Advice from the old lady:
Communication is crucial in LTRs or marriages. But nobody much starts out there, right? First you go through this weird introductory phase where the term “game” is more literally accurate than most people want to admit, you know, all the who contacts who first, trying to assess whether someone likes you for real or not, the basic “Get to Know 101” conversations, etc.
How do you know someone likes you and is being real?
1. They agree to spend time with you
2. They express a willingness and desire to learn about you by encouraging you to share about yourself.
3. They are willing to share about themselves.
Early on you can overshare. That’s not good and does not indicate healthy boundaries. She could also overshare of course.
But for an interaction to blossom into a relationship with legs there has to be a continual, progressive, reciprocal sharing between two people, about who they are, about what they desire, about their goals & aspirations.
It involves the ability to listen. Good listeners are hard to find, men or women. When a person feels heard it goes a long way toward that person feeling understood and even loved.
My fiancé is a software developer. He goes on sometimes about whatever project he is in the middle of, goes on about the people involved and the problems he’s trying to solve. I am not in that field but through listening I have learned a fair bit of the vernacular and I pay attention when he needs to air something out. He feels heard and appreciated and understood. That translates into him feeling warm and fuzzy about me.
And communication goes both ways but a wise partner pays attention to the communication style of the other person and makes the effort to accommodate that.
I have learned a hack that works when I need to air something that he is not willing to discuss in a direct manner. I call a girlfriend or my sister, go in the other room and an amazing thing happens….
He eavesdrops. He doesn’t interrupt because of course he wants to hear what I’m saying ABOUT him because he doesn’t directly want me to discuss it WITH him. That’s fine & I get that. The information gets conveyed and that’s the point. And I know damn well he’s listening and that’s all I wanted in the first place.
And then later he will say or do something that makes clear he was listening. And you know what? If that saves him sitting through what he thinks is going to be some heavy conversation? Perfect. Everybody is happy.
Smart women listen and figure out how best to interact with their man. I’m perfectly willing and able to be very succinct and direct. My father drilled this into me, but his communication style is more indirect when he thinks there might be conflict…he is at times conflict averse, I am not.
My point is that the crux of good communication is listening and paying attention to the other person and how they relate to the world around them. Women typically are better standard issue equipped for this than men. So modeling good communication falls to the woman usually.