What is this lady after? Is she tying to use me?

[cordoncordon]

After canceling dinner with Amy last Tuesday(details in the thread...) there was no contact with her. Before I continue, I'd like to stress some points about Amy that really bother me.
1. I have called her twice and she doesn't pick up. When I confronted her about this, she gives some excuse and follows it up with the generalization "I don't like phones!"
2. The only way we have contacted each other outside the bar is through FB and MSN messages(she never goes online to chat).
Anyway, Amy was DJ-ing on Thursday night(as usual) but I didn't go as I had other plans. However, I popped in for a drink late Friday night(after 12:30).

Her first reaction was to pout and act disappointed and asked why I hadn't come on Thursday..I reply "well, I was busy...but I'm sure you had many other friends here, so I bet you were OK"
She replies "It was OK, but I really wanted you to be here and I had CD's you liked and stuff to play for you..."
There weren't too many people present at this time, so we sit together at the bar and talk.
In all honesty, we do connect when it comes to conversation and it is fun to talk with her, however all sorts of stuff happened.
At some point I notice a mark on her shoulder and she asks me to "kiss it and make it better..."
Of course, there was no way I would do such comply with this and told her she'd have to get somebody else to kiss it... Then , funnily enough, she almost burns my hand with her cigarette....then just grabs my hand and kisses it. Continuing, we talk about all sorts of issues and it comes up that she will be in London for a concert in 2 weeks. We both live in southern Europe, and I comment that I had been to London recently. She then says she'd love it if I came along. When I ask about accommodation, she says I can stay in the hotel room with her.
Furthermore, I notice that almost all night, she touched very often and liked to keep her hands on my legs. I also leaned on her thighs....
Interesting note is that there was this guy(with another group of people) treating her to shots.
At some point, she just asks me to dance and we dance. She laughs and comments that the guy is really jealous so I tell her maybe she should go keep him company....She says she wants to stay with me but says that she'll go over and "play" him for more shots. We keep talking and he makes a couple of efforts to get some action, but she just talks to him a bit then leaves him(after drinking up all his free shots...) After a while, he just departs....

At some point, it was late, so I get ready to depart. She was talking with the DJ(not my friend Chris, another DJ who works there..) about something and I said "goodnight". I am surprised to see that it is almost as if I am not there... She doesn't respond, she just seemed emotionally involved in something the DJ was saying.
Talk about incongruent behavior or what?

Saturday Night

Last night, a friend was having a small birthday party at the bar again, and as I was on a date, I pass by late, around 2:30 AM.
The atmosphere was fun and Chris(the DJ who is also seeing her) was spinning on the decks.A lot of my friends were there, as was SANDRA(Chris's on and off GF;although I really don't know what kind of relationship they have now that Amy is in the picture....)
Me and Amy greet but we soon start bugging each and teasing each other.... At some point I call her a Biatch and she calls me a "Biatch"(girl has a mouth on her) and I tell her that I can prove I am no such thing....she says she wants to see that up close and personal....
Anyway, alcohol is flowing and I am having great fun with Sandra(Chris's GF, 25) and Elli(a friend, 26).
I was very flirtatious towards both of them;they seemed to be enjoying it and reciprocating.
Amy was working but spent time talking to a "regular" at the bar. Howver, she did come over once or twice to check out the situation with me and the girls. This was an interesting point, because Amy(who is seeing Chris) talked with Sandra(Chris's GF)... I thought sparks would fly, but it was OK. I can't believe how Chris has set up such an arrangement!
AT some point , I move a bit further away from my group, and Amy comes up and says she wants a hug. We hug and she buries her face in my neck. She then says she wants to tell me something. She then seems to think it over and says she really shouldn't. I get a bit angry because she pull sh*t like this often, so I ask what is up with her?
Again, she says it is nothing.
After that, I remain cool, but I spend the remainder of the night having fun with Sandra and Elli, mostly ignoring Amy.
In fact, I leave with them at around 7am.
Leaving, I say goodbye to Amy but just touch hands...nothing more.

Anyway, from what I can tell, Amy has serious issues. She is an attention Ho and likes to play push-pull, hot-cold and mystery lady.
Yet at the same time, I am pretty certain she does dig me, and I should definitely be able to -at least- get her in bed.

How do fellow DJers recommend I proceed with her?

BTW, Sandra made a pass on me while I was taking her home so I guess she is really starting to get pissed off with Chris.
Finally, he and Amy didn't seem so lovey-dovey either...methinks things are cooling down....

Man this seems like a miserable situation. Hanging out a bar almost every night with your typical bar regulars...dealing with crazy people..dealing with people cheating on their significant other like its no big deal. Just the thought of it makes me depressed lol.

Get out of that entire situation imo. NOW.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Squirrels, Kailex and Danger are spot on mate.
It shouldn't be this hard to get laid. Do what they said, next time she flirts, suggest you go to another bar or back to yours or a fvcking hotel room or whatever. Call her on her bullsh!t and walk with your head held high if she declines. Good luck but she's a complete nutter by the sound of it.

 

[FrancoPUA]

What is going on with this woman?

Has she been in a MMF 3some before or would this be her first time?

 

[Zarky]

There is no way you're getting this girl ever. Attention ***** all the way, she makes strippers look like wallflowers. If you want to have a fast crash and burn invite her to some place private. She will never go. The bar is her stage, as I said before, and she loves to perform. I don't understand how the OP is not seeing this.
-->You will never sleep with this girl<--
Date other women, why are you wasting your precious time?

 

[The Grue]

I'm not really spending any time on her....We haven't messaged in over a week and I haven't been over to the bar. In the meantime, I've been busy at work and have dated another lady with whom I went out last night.
As we have established, AMY is an AW at best...at worst she has sort sort of personality disorder. It is clear that NC is the right way to handle this.

I will update if anything extraordinary happens....
Thanks for reading!

 

[The Grue]

UPDATE

Not much contact with Amy during the last two weeks. I didn't pass by the bar a couple of weeks ago. Nothing to do with her really, just spending time at other places...
Anyway, I arranged to see a young lady(Fay 21) last Friday. Fay and I have been intimate but she has been abroad the last year and was in town visiting. She used to be a regular at the bar I frequent(where Amy works) so we arrange to go there about 1pm on Friday;When we get there I introduce her to Amy(who was very demonstrative in her greetings towards me). So I sit with Fay at a tall table(with bar stools) and a friend of ours(who hadn't seen her in a awhile) also joins us. A few minutes later, Amy sets her drink down at our table. We all talk about this and that, but at some point Fay has to leave because she was going to also see some other people. Amy and I talk for quite a while that night, and she keeps talking about getting together at her place to watch a movie or stuff. Lots of Kino and towards the end of the night as I was leaving we hugged and she whispers something about going to her place to "fukk". It seemed as if she was going to say something else, but "fukk" came out...Freudian slip or intentional...who knows?
Saturday I was out with Fay again and Fay starts to rip into Amy, telling me about how she looks unusual and sort of like a guy....(I laugh at this because Amy is very feminine.....)...
I just think Fay was feeling a bit jealous... Anyway, we end up back at the bar late in the night but while there, AMY is very friendly with Fay. In fact at some point, the gals gang up on me over some issue we were talking about and Amy tries to get Fay to turn on me calling me "a jerk". I just laugh her off and Fay sets her straight on the matter.
Although she acted friendly with Fay, Amy was VERY antagonistic towards me the whole night. Of course, the interesting bit is that I was a bit dazed as I'd only had about 3 hours of sleep in 2 days. So while being antagonistic she was also asking if I was Ok.
I depart with Fay at around 4 or so, and I take her to my place where we have sex. On the way home, she again rips into Amy saying that it is horrible how she speaks and tries to put me down...
Fay is leaving in a few days, so I plan to call Amy up and take her up on her offer of a movie at her place.

MAIN POINTS

- Introducing Fay to Amy was probably a good idea. Fay is younger, cute and Amy probably knows we are screwing.
- Amy spent almost all her time Friday and Saturday with me and Fay at our table...and there were a lot of other people there who wanted her company.
- Amy stance was quite unusual on Saturday, defiant yet ready to fold....
- DJ friend and AMY are history....only buddies now.

Long story and I would appreciate all assessments on how I should proceed,

 

[Tazman]

She seems like a hassle, is it really worth it to you? I'd say there's nothing wrong with taking her up on the offer (if it was genuine), but if she flakes in any way, shape or form, I'd drop her for good.

 

[The Grue]

I understand your point, but she is fun to be around and I like the dynamic when go at it back and forth. So, it is a nice sort of hassle which I am enjoying actually...

 

[Zarky]

Fay is leaving in a few days, so I plan to call Amy up and take her up on her offer of a movie at her place.

This attempt will fail. With all due respect, you clearly haven't digested the advice given to you in this thread.

 

[jophil28]

Fay is leaving in a few days, so I plan to call Amy up and take her up on her offer of a movie at her place.

,

You are not really 'getting it' yet.

Amy is a hardline AW. When Fay leaves town and you approach Amy to take her up on her offer to "fukk", she will withdraw the offer.
Of course she will do so in a way that leaves you confused but still hopeful and you will post another update here and so on...

Grue, get a grip . Amy is a hardcharging mindfuker and you are never going to see her naked. Move on before you get caught up in another round of her adolescent stupidity .

 

[Kailex]

I understand your point, but she is fun to be around and I like the dynamic when go at it back and forth. So, it is a nice sort of hassle which I am enjoying actually...

Oh man, what are you doing???

Has my advice gone in vain? Did you not remember the part where I said she was a BARTENDER so that automatically qualifies her as an attention *****.
And as Jophil said, as soon as she sees that the competition (Fay) is out of the way, she's going to turn you down SO badly. And even if she DOESN'T, she'll just pump and dump YOU.

This is NOT going to end well.

STOP GOING TO AMY'S BAR.

You aren't going to enjoy it when she decides that she has absolutely NO need for you.

IN fact, this is what might happen:

-Amy finally decides (she has control of the frame, not you, btw) that she'll bring you home.
-You guys will have sex
-She'll decide that she can get it out of you at any point
-She'll start talking to other men in front of you the way that she did it to you
-You'll get jealous and start yelling at her at work
-She'll play you off as the jealous fling that was a mistake in her life

Even if it's not to a tee... it'll be similar.
I saw this happen ONE TOO MANY TIMES when I was a bartender. My partner in crime did this to a LOT of men and I hated watching all these saps fall for it over and over.

You're next.

 

[boomerick]

Read this 'cause I was bored....

It's been going on for more than a month...

No fornication only flustration.....

Hardcore AW..

Hardcore denial boy.....

Keep yourself availible orbiter....

Maybe someday............

She'll be impressed by the light of her little moon (YOU!)

Maybe someday..................(sigh)...........

Over and Out.

 

[Zarky]

The only way I can see OP getting this girl in the sack is if he walks in with Fay and announces that the two of them are in love and are going to get married. He leaves Fay and Amy alone to go to the bathroom and Fay tells Amy how much she loves him and how happy he makes her and how they're going to have a billion babies together and live happily ever after.

This just might make Amy, with her AW ways, have sex with him to douse that happy engagement and shift his attention back to her. She would need to believe that she'll have the opportunity to tell Fay about it personally, though, because nothing would make her crazy AW self more satisfied than telling another woman that she just screwed her beloved fiance.

But it's a long shot and would require Fay's help.

 

[The Grue]

Again, thanks for the posts and the advice. Positive or negative, I appreciate the effort you guys put into reading and commenting on matters.

Yesterday, after my update here, Amy and I exchanged messages. I then call her(cell phone) and she calls me back on my land line number.
We end up talking for about an hour...
All the time I am thinking that it is a bad idea to be on the phone with this woman for an hour, yet we touched upon matters we never had before; conversation flowed with ease.
At some point she says that she connects with me like with no one else. My reply is to acknowledge that there is something there...
(I understand that this stuff will be anathema to most of the people here, but I have made a vow to be painfully honest in my posts)
She mentions that she is not in the best place in her life psychologically. She is looking for new work because the bar is closing for summer and there are some serious health problems with members of her immediate family(she went into the details but I will refrain from doing so here...).
She mentions the DJ, saying that they do see each other from time to time, but there is nothing formal about it.
Amy also seemed to have a misunderstanding about how close he and I were/are.
I explain to her that he and I are friends, but not buddies. We don't talk or socialize outside the bar.
She asks if we have talked about her and my truthful reply is that we haven't.
My take on this is that she has feelings for him but she is also seeking other options as he is not satisfying her.
She spoke neutrally about him and so did I.
I don't feel she mentioned him to stop my advances, rather she wants to come clean about what the situation is before we proceed...
Of course, I could be way wrong in my assessment.

Finishing up the call, I told her we should go out this Friday night. She replied that she may be in hospital on Friday(the health problem her mom has) but asked if we could do it on Saturday.
I told her we would talk tomorrow.

Again, I know a lot of you will say I am setting myself up for a let-down and you may certainly be right!

But, I feel I must give this a try, come what may.
My needs now are not for sex, I have that in my life.
My need is to be with a person who I am attracted to both sexually and on a mental/emotional level.
Am I entering "LJBF territory?"
Possibly, but there is a strong sexual element present when we are together and I always work to amplify it when I see her.

As for using Fay to get Amy(as Zarky advised), I think Amy already suspects that Fay and I have been intimate. But Fay is leaving in a few days.

Finally, I don't want posters here to think I am disregarding advice. I take everything written very seriously; at the same time, I am the one in the situation and I must proceed as I see fit.
Your input is still relevant and it helps mold my behavior and stance in invaluable ways.

Will post with any new updates,

Thanks

 

[jophil28]

She asks if we have talked about her and my truthful reply is that we haven't.
My take on this is that she has feelings for him but she is also seeking other options as he is not satisfying her.
She spoke neutrally about him and so did I.
I don't feel she mentioned him to stop my advances, rather she wants to come clean about what the situation is before we proceed...
Of course, I could be way wrong in my assessment.

Women ask new guys if they have had a convo with their previous B/f to uncover what the previous B/f has said about her sexuality and her slvtty ways.
Amy was really asking you if the DJ had told you about how many times he had banged her. Why? Because she is about to LIE to you about her sexual past. Why? Because she is setting you up to expect a hot night of some serious fukking and then, at the last moment she will " ...have second thoughts because I am not that kind of girl" and then she will likely bolt out the door.

However, you do seem determined to step into this trap, so have at it.

 

[Kailex]

No kidding Jophil.
It's like watching a guy in the forest, looking a HUGE, steel bear trap that hasn't been tripped yet. And he sits there, for weeks, looking at it, wondering if it can still trap bears, wondering if it's defective, wondering if he jumped into the trap and triggered it... would it go off?

In this case, the trap is Amy, and he's about to step right into the middle of it.

Grue, let us know how those steel teeth feel across your chest in a week or two.

And I'm sorry, but if you come back here saying that she's the love of your life and she admitted the same and everything is all nice, fluffy, and pink... I won't believe you. I've seen TOO much of this upfront to know how this will end.

Here's the HUGEST RED FLAG yet:

She mentions that she is not in the best place in her life psychologically. She is looking for new work because the bar is closing for summer and there are some serious health problems with members of her immediate family(she went into the details but I will refrain from doing so here...).
She mentions the DJ, saying that they do see each other from time to time, but there is nothing formal about it.

You willingly want to go out with a girl who ADMITS to not being all there PSYCHOLOGICALLY.

Grue, why not go out and find a BPD chick while you're at it?

My guess is she stops working at the bar, and then all of a sudden, you stop hearing from her.

And the girl basically admitted to banging the DJ. You want your DJ acquaintances sloppy seconds???

When this thread first started, I thought this was a case where we could help someone who WANTED to be helped, but now as the thread develops even further, I see, there is no helping you. You WANT to get killed by the bear trap. It's almost like jumping in front of a train thinking you might be the first one to survive the hit.

Keep doing this to yourself, Grue.
All this time you could have wasted, you could have spent with other quality women.

Now, before I finish this thread, let me revisit one more thing.

My need is to be with a person who I am attracted to both sexually and on a mental/emotional level.

She mentions that she is not in the best place in her life psychologically.

So you're saying you are attracted to crazy women.
Yeah, okay, she's hot... but yeah, okay, she's NUTS.
Is that the kind of person you truly want to be with?

 

[boomerick]

Yes Jo....

She will "bolt" ....

After the free dinners, after free drinks, after free clubs, after free movies, after tons of attention from OP and the other guys she'll come on to in front of him, after screwin other guys secretly while "dating" OP ......

Then finally the big pay off......

OP gets an almost life threatening dose of humiliation that he bought, paid for, and stood in line to get ....

Along with the STDs as a consolation prize......




To the OP....

There are sooooo many other women out there who won't emotionally RAPE you yet you are gonna show everyone that you're different and that she's different......

Have at it champ....good luck......




EDIT----to Kailex---(and everone else really) ----when I read this "deal" I was thinkin' BPD or HPD right out of the chute but I always try to temper that due do to probably being hyper sensitive to that crap ....

However the more I read about "Dearest Amy" the more waif crap I think I see.....

Nightmares !!!!!!!!

 

[boomerick]

I think it's the miraculous (and sudden) "connection" and the need to be rescued from her current situation....

Also the branch swinging and lack of stability in her personal life.......

Monster red flags for me !!!!!!!

 

[DMSR76]

This situation is an inevitable train wreck, but a good "Exhibit A" thread for those who are in the early learning stages.

 

[Kailex]

EDIT----to Kailex---(and everone else really) ----when I read this "deal" I was thinkin' BPD or HPD right out of the chute but I always try to temper that due do to probably being hyper sensitive to that crap ....

Highly unlikely that this girl is BPD or HPD but to be honest, he might as well be involved with one.

Every female bartender I've met (of experience) turns out to be one of the biggest teases on planet Earth. Granted, they were all great people, when it came to men, it seemed like they were very different people. For two years I saw my co-worker be one of my best friends (no sexual tension) and be one of the best people I've ever met, but I also saw her play with so many men's hearts.

It's like they stand in a giant spotlight with a huge neon side that says: "Come try to screw me and get shot down!" I'm sure Amy is a great person outside of the bar and people who know her NOT from the bar, get along with her pretty well.

But Amy-Bar is most likely a different person and anyone she meets WITHIN the bar, automatically becomes a part of her Amy-Bar personality. That's why Grue is doomed. He's going to be strung along for the ride. That's why it will never be able to transition outside of the bar, because she already has an identity as Amy-Bar and not as Amy-Real World to The Grue.

That's what he is failing to see but will get to see very soon.
Even if they do begin to embark in a relationship, it is most likely doomed because there is no longer the dynamic of Sexy bartender temptress .vs. Patron and instead something real clashing with her bar world.

Grue is wasting his resources on an unlikely partner. That's why I say, for all of this mental anguish, he might as well be with someone who is BPD.