"We have to talk. I'm moving out."

[Lexington]

One of the side effects of her old birth control is weight gain.

This is rationalization to the max. Oral contraceptives cause only a small amount of weight gain if any at all....usually temporary. They caused more weight gain back in the day when they contained lots of estrogen, but the amount has been greatly reduced in modern formulations.

Depo-Provera, which is a shot given once every 3 months was found to cause an average of 11lbs over 3 years and a 3% increase in body fat (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090304182111.htm). That's the worst offender.

It's very unlikely that birth control would account for 40 to 80lbs worth of weight gain. It's more likely that this girl is fat because of poor dietary and lifestyle choices. Is it possible she'll turn things around at age 37? It is, but it's unlikely.

 

[cordoncordon]

This is rationalization to the max. Oral contraceptives cause only a small amount of weight gain if any at all....usually temporary. They caused more weight gain back in the day when they contained lots of estrogen, but the amount has been greatly reduced in modern formulations.

Depo-Provera, which is a shot given once every 3 months was found to cause an average of 11lbs over 3 years and a 3% increase in body fat (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/03/090304182111.htm). That's the worst offender.

It's very unlikely that birth control would account for 40 to 80lbs worth of weight gain. It's more likely that this girl is fat because of poor dietary and lifestyle choices. Is it possible she'll turn things around at age 37? It is, but it's unlikely.

My fiance has been on birth control for years and weighs 115 pounds. Then again she eats well and works out 5 days a week.

Again I think he is rationalizing. People don't gain 40-80 pounds unless they massively overeat and live the docile life of a turtle.

 

[Bible_Belt]

She was on the nuva ring, not the pill. The maker of the nuva ring lists weight gain as one of the common side effects:

http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/risks-and-side-effects/

 

[Zarky]

Sorry BB, you're convincing no one but yourself.

Congrats on your almost-9000th post though.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Bible Belt,

First, much RESPECT to you for all the wisdom you’ve dropped on us here at So Suave for YEARS now. It’s much appreciated and not taken for granted.

On the subject at hand, I only have two questions for you:

1, What makes you believe that your “second chance” at having a relationship with this particular woman will be happier and more fulfilling to you than your first go around?

2, “If” this woman (and your relationship with her) NEVER improved---or if it just went back to the same, unsatisfactory way that it was---do you think you’d be happy staying tied to her (via children and/or Marriage) for the rest of your life?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Thanks.

What makes you believe that your “second chance” at having a relationship with this particular woman will be happier and more fulfilling to you than your first go around?

Because now I understand that the difference between being happy and not being happy is all in my head. It's the same relationship, but I can choose to hate it and be miserable, or to make the most of it and be happy. I had the same issues in previous relationships and never did seem to learn.

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship. Tonight was wild. Forgive me for being graphic, but it has been several years since she was horny enough to beg me for anal sex. I was joking with her later that I'm pretty sure that's not how babies are made.

“If” this woman (and your relationship with her) NEVER improved---or if it just went back to the same, unsatisfactory way that it was---do you think you’d be happy staying tied to her (via children and/or Marriage) for the rest of your life?

It has improved tremendously right now, for both of us. I think I will always be tied to her in some way, even if we broke up, because we both live in the same small town and know so many of the same people. If she had my kid and then we split up, I still don't think I would regret it. I don't even think she would turn me in to child support. We've know each other over twenty years, and I think we are at the point of always at least caring about each other even if we do not end up together. That's part of why I want to be with her.

I see people denying who they love all the time. Exes pretend to hate each other. Every guy thinks they have to hate their ex-wife. Even people who have never been together will stay apart because they deny their own feelings out of fear. People are scared to admit who they care about, because it makes them vulnerable.

 

[Lexington]

She was on the nuva ring, not the pill. The maker of the nuva ring lists weight gain as one of the common side effects:

http://www.nuvaring.com/Consumer/risks-and-side-effects/

Yeah it's a side effect but it doesn't account for 40-80lbs. Perhaps the birth control was a minor contributor. The worst offender for weight gain is Depo Provera and even that caused an average of 11 lbs over 3 years. A lot of women use birth control as an excuse, but their weight gain is more often than not more attributable to poor lifestyle and dietary choices.

 

[Married Buried]

I see people denying who they love all the time. Exes pretend to hate each other. Every guy thinks they have to hate their ex-wife. Even people who have never been together will stay apart because they deny their own feelings out of fear. People are scared to admit who they care about, because it makes them vulnerable.

I really do hate mine. It's the "Thank god every day I did not get stuck with that woman for life" kind of hate. I really want nothing to do with them, and wouldn't care if they died in a horrific car crash and burned to death.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I believe you that you feel that way. It's a coping mechanism, though, maybe an effective one too, but the hate is a way to deal with a lot of other feelings regarding both her and yourself.

 

[Zarky]

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship.

Happens every time there's an acrimonious separation and then a reconciliation. Extremely common in relationships. Some couples repeatedly break up and then get back together to re-experience those types of feelings. Unfortunately it doesn't last very long.

Ah well, I think this thread has received enough of my time. But I will continue to monitor it to see my predictions come true. Carry on.

 

[muscleman]

BB, I read through this thread and it's painful, but I understand how you feel, I really do. I've been in enough relationships to 'get it', the connection that's hard to break despite the rationale behind it. I could post a very lengthy reply, and I may, but for now I'd like to give you a little primer, or a refresher if you will:

1) How to get over your ex. As you read this, I'm sure a few points will ring a bell. Things you stopped doing, etc.

2) The basic core of relationships.

3) CH's 16 commandments of poon - read them again.

4) You both basically got 'fat and happy' together. You said yourself you gave up on a bunch of stuff. Women have a way of domesticating men. They say they want it, but they really don't. It's something YOU have to fight because it's a choice YOU make.

5) Whatever your relationship is, or will be, with her - just ask yourself if it's helping you achieve your higher goals or not. That is, if you have higher goals. If you don't, you need to get off your ass and make some.

Good luck.

 

[Married Buried]

I believe you that you feel that way. It's a coping mechanism, though, maybe an effective one too, but the hate is a way to deal with a lot of other feelings regarding both her and yourself.

What are you talking about? Most of my exes are fat now (no offense), knocked up, collecting child support, making the lives of men miserable. Why do I need a coping mechanism? I thank god it's not me they are making miserable.

Hopefully it won't be you being miserable.

 

[Die Hard]

What BB is going through reminds me a lot of the typical BPD cycles guys go through with a BPD bytch.

His situation is just a lot less extreme and not as explicit, but the same underlying dynamics are at play. The same dynamics between the guy and the woman, but also the same dynamics inside the guy's own mind.

"If I just treat her better, we'll live happily ever after. And everytime she starts acting up, I can solve that by treating her better..."

Yeah right......

 

[Married Buried]

What BB is going through reminds me a lot of the typical BPD cycles guys go through with a BPD bytch.

His situation is just a lot less extreme and not as explicit, but the same underlying dynamics are at play. The same dynamics between the guy and the woman, but also the same dynamics inside the guy's own mind.

"If I just treat her better, we'll live happily ever after. And everytime she starts acting up, I can solve that by treating her better..."

Yeah right......

If she is 80 pounds over NOW, imagine what she will be after she has a kid.

 

[Boilermaker]

We just went from sex once a month to almost twice a day. I have never heard of such a thing happening in a relationship. Tonight was wild. Forgive me for being graphic, but it has been several years since she was horny enough to beg me for anal sex. I was joking with her later that I'm pretty sure that's not how babies are made.

I hope you realize that this is a transient period, and you'll revert back to whatever your sex "norm" is, in no time. I have expressed sympathy to your sentiment, but the "data" you are providing to defend the health of your current relationship is not very reliable, right now. Come back in 6 months and try to remember the last time she "begged" you for anal sex.

All the best,

 

[Married Buried]

I think Bible is sitting there WITH his woman when they made this thread, and are now probably laughing at us for believing it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

My 21 y/o cousin lives across the street from me. He got married last summer to his only girlfriend ever, dated since high school and lived together the past three years. She's a beautiful blonde, maybe not the brightest light on the tree, but she loves him. They were fighting today. He was screaming at her in the front yard. She's a horrible driver and had just had another flat tire. He kept calling her "stupid" and "dumbass." I kept thinking, "even if she is stupid, calling her that is not helping your cause."

I remember his father and mother (my aunt & uncle) fighting exactly the same way at that age. They stuck out marriage for a long time, but she eventually left him, and within a few years, he killed himself with a pill overdose. He couldn't stand to be alone, so he would pick up any ghetto pillhead who would talk to him. It was some skank's morphine that killed him.

So it turns out she left him right after that fight over the flat tire. They've been together since they were 15. She brought a female friend over yesterday to move her stuff out. She deactivated her facebook page; his has a post about how whiskey isn't killing the pain.

She has an abusive skank of a stepmother who threw her out at age 16, mostly I think over jealousy that her step-daughter had become more attractive than her. I can't help but think the stepmother probably called her stupid about a thousand times, and that would give her a low tolerance for such a thing.

 

[evan12]

his has a post about how whiskey isn't killing the pain.

I had a friend like that, and I just used a transitional way in shaming him that some conservative societies use and it worked with him .
so I told him : "Is this a man of how should be? to cry over a girl?, she have more guts than you , didn't hear "today is her tomorrow is another woman " ,stand as a man and never cry again over her "

it seem that worked , the brain wash of Hollywood was telling him the right thing to do is cry to show his love and his princess will return back , but now he got a new instructions and I never found him sad after this and he continued he life .

 

[Three]

I have to say this is one of the best threads I've ever read here. And, of course, perfect for the Mature Man forum.

BB - I've been through a very similar situation and it definitely ended badly. Very badly. I truly hope that your situation is different, but I suspect that ultimately, it will not lead to eternal happiness.

AFC confession: After each breakup or announcement of an intention to breakup, the foremost emotion I remember feeling other than utter devastation, was REMORSE. I felt so fucking bad that I had been such an asshole. The truth was that this is a phony emotion that we channel our sorrow into because our first impulse is to blame ourselves after our anger and shock subsides. I suspect this has something to do with the stages of grief.

One observation: As has been mentioned already, when women break up/move out, they almost always have a replacement lined up. Keep in mind that this doesn't mean there is a guy she's been fucking behind your back, but it almost certainly means there is a guy she's been talking to.

Beyond that, you have the bitches coven of all her friends lining up behind her ready to pounce on you at a moment's notice. Judge by their reactions already: They can NEVER be trusted again and, it goes without saying, that your gf can never be trusted completely again either.

This whole episode is a gigantic breach of trust. I feel your pain and also your excitement at the renewed passion. You may remember that I've been divorced twice and went through similar things. I loved both of my wives and tried to save my relationships, but became a useless AFC in the process.

I hope this one turns out differently for you. I'll say again here that getting her pregnant right now is a HUGE mistake. Go ahead and fuck like bunnies for now, but until you at the very least have a hard sign of commitment from HER part, other than this silly thing of proposing and her accepting (what's her risk? what's her downside? --she holds all the cards!), don't even think about making a decision that will change your life forever and forever chain you to someone who has breached your trust in a very big way.

Until you have heard your child, your own flesh and blood who you watched being born in the hospital and who has your eyes, your ears your mouth, until you hear that child call another man, "Dad," then you have no fucking idea what it feels like to have a breakup with a woman who has your child and then moves on with another man.

Again, I'm pulling for you man, but this has the greatest chance of becoming your reality in the future.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It is at least a very true story.

We have been seeing each other about every other day. I usually go to her place, rub her back as we watch the end of the Cardinals game on her tiny TV, then we have Sex Olympics until we pass out. About once a week I cook dinner at my place. I make a caprese salad with homegrown tomatoes that I think would romance any woman.

She chose the rental she's in now largely because it has a fenced back yard for her dogs. But she didn't actually walk around the fence and look at it - like a man would do. It is full of holes, and she's had to chase her dogs across town a half-dozen times. I have to admit that I am laughing a little at her struggles living alone, but I keep it to myself. She was walking around my now almost empty house talking about how the place looked huge without her stuff cluttering it up. It is much bigger and nicer than her new place.

I have bought her several small, thoughtful gifts, just things she said in passing that she needed. She was grocery shopping today and buying me coffee. She has started dressing slvtty for me again at my request.

I was supposed to go to her place tonight, but her mom is visiting a dying friend in the hospital and invited herself to come sleep at her place. I consider that the type of thing that used to make me mad. But when things are going well, not fighting over small stuff is easy.

She has been cutting her own hair for the past year because she's broke, and needs to have it done, so I talked to the stylist who cuts both our hair, made an appointment for her and picked out the way I like her hair from an old picture. With a fat tip for my smoking hot stylist, it will cost me about $120. I still haven't told her about the appointment; I just told her to be free during that time. She calls not knowing "torture," but it is the good kind. I could only get an appointment just before she leaves for her family reunion, the one that we agreed it was too soon for me to go to, so she will show up with a drastically different hairstyle that I'm sure will make every woman envious. They also all know she's broke and can't afford something like that, so they'll end up finding out that I paid for it.

I asked her if sex was so much better because we were getting along better, or because she was off her birth control. She doesn't know. We changed two things at once. I can tell a huge difference in her though. We always had great sex, but it is at a whole new level right now. The night before last she said she came twelve times. And we only did it once that night.

So that's my story. I don't see anything changing about this relationship any time soon. She only signed a 6-month lease, but I doubt she would move back that quickly. At some point I will knock her up and buy her a ring, but that may take a while.