Warning: long! Thoughts from the abyss after 2 years between posts and an LTR

[thecurtainfalls]

Hello all,

I haven't posted on SoSuave in 2 years. Before that, I mostly lurked since about 2002, gaining as much information as I could. I started out reading this board as a shy high school student who had major approach anxiety and difficulty manning up to actually make a move. My first girlfriend broke up with me when I was 16, and I feared that I would never be able to get another girl again. Hell, I could barely even figure out how I'd managed to get one in the first place. I thought that my fear/anxiety problem when gaming beautiful women would be a challenge for me for the rest of my life. Luckily I gleaned so much good advice, and was so inspired from my visits here that I actually improved and developed more wholly as a person psychologically. I forgot and got over the couple of girls who I had BAD one-itis for in high school, and I started dating a little bit again after I graduated. Before I knew it, I had actually built up the most impressive track record of all of my friends.

Things were firing on all cylinders. In my first few years in college I managed to bed or at least hook up with a handful of girls, all while using the principles preached on this site. My social proof was creating a self sustaining, endless cycle. Since I actually HAD options, I was never desperate or needy. I went from being the guy in high school who secretly pines for the girl he's in "love" with while she bangs the quarterback, to doing pretty damn well for myself. Needless to say, this was an unexpected and pleasant development in my life. I thought that I had it all figured out, that I had cracked the code (with the help of SoSuave) and made myself different from the AFCs out there. I'm a short guy (5'6" - go manlets!) and had finally figured out how to use this to my advantage instead of mentally tearing myself down for being short and talking myself out of the approach.

In short (no pun intended), I was feeling great. I had a couple of relationships that lasted maybe 2-4 months each, which I ended when they proved to have run their course. In the meantime, I kept meeting new women and working on my game, and before I knew it my biggest problem was figuring out how to completely reel in an HB 8.5 whose tittays I had already sucked on (hence, the other two threads I had created here in '06/'07). I was never and still by no means claim to be a pimp or the most successful PUA in my zip code, but nor did or do I want to be. My reputation among my friends was notable not for the quantity of my conquests, but their quality. I have been extremely blessed to be able to cavort with some very beautiful women in my life (living in Cali has its perks). And yet, my goal had never been to get as much strange pvssy as I possibly could, but rather to develop the game/ability to land a beautiful, high quality woman in an LTR.

And so it was that I received some very good advice here when I posted about the HB 8.5 that I was pursuing at the time (two and a half years ago). Victory Unlimited and a couple other experienced DJs advised me that rolling my interest level WAY off, and being emotionally prepared to NEXT if necessary, was my best chance moving forward with this girl.

How ironic, that the tactic used to try and get the girl more interested in me (spinning plates, disinterest, scaling back of communication) actually led to me finding the longest and biggest relationship of my life thus far with someone completely different... one that ended four days ago. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

While I was spinning plates and, frankly, probably at the height of my DJ mindset as far as combining techniques with actual genuine healthy perspective on my love life, I ended up meeting "Laura" (as we'll call her). Since HB Perfect Tittays needed to be on the backburner for a while, I ended up taking a trip across the country to visit my friends and family in another state. On this trip, a friend of mine wanted to meet up to go bar hopping. He mentioned that he had a surprise that he was bringing -- it ended up being Laura, a girl who I had never met, but I had actually talked to online/on the phone before on account of her being friends with my buddy.

Even though my primary "plate" I was spinning was with HB Perfect Tittays back home, Laura blew me away immediately. She was even hotter than the other HB, she was fun, smart, sexy, brunette, huge tittays, great body, gorgeous face, the whole package. Of course, being in full DJ mode at this point (or at least as close as I ever got to it) I literally completely forgot all about HB Perfect Tittays back home. Not an easy feat considering I wanted to **** that girl so bad that at the time, I broke a 4 year lurking streak on SoSuave and registered just to get personalized advice about my situation with her. But that night, in the city with Laura, the girl back home was as good as chopped liver.

Long story short, I ended up kiss closing Laura that night, after kino escalation including holding her hand or walking arm in arm-- I had qualified with kino early on and gotten nothing but positives, but even more than that, Laura and I just had an immediate chemistry and attraction that neither one of us tried to hide. I found out she had broken up with her only boyfriend (of 5 years) about 6 months earlier, and now she was looking to transfer universities out of state... to California (where I live). I was shocked. How cool would that be?

But I didn't think anything else of it -- I had a flight home in the morning. We parted ways that night, and I felt a weird pang come over me like it was painful to watch this girl who I felt this connection to walk away in a city 3,000 miles from home. And yet, I simply pushed aside this feeling and urged myself to toughen up and keep spinning those plates.

Time went by, and I ended up feeling so disrespected by HB Perfect Tittays' mixed signals that I NEXTed her. I found out later that this was driving her wild, by the way. Meanwhile, I stayed in friendly, flirty touch with Laura, letting her know that she could even come stay with me one time while she checked out the city and visited potential schools. She seemed to like the idea but neither one of us took it too seriously. But we continued to talk, and I found a connection with her that felt like what I had been searching for thus far. Here was an extremely beautiful woman who also possessed the qualities that I wanted in an LTR -- or at least, that was the impression I was getting from our regular (and increasingly flirty) phone convos and IMs.

She ended up taking me up on the offer to come visit (her first time out here) and check out schools. She stayed with me for two weeks. I banged her the second night, and we never looked back. We had the most passionate, sex-filled, memorable two weeks imaginable, and I showed her the best of what my city has to offer. At this point it was a slam dunk for both of us, and it was a very very hard goodbye for both of us when her trip was over.

She visited twice more, and I visited her again, before she decided that she wanted to transfer out here for sure. We weighed many options and in the end, decided that if she stayed in the dorms she would probably A) end up hating it and feeling like she made the wrong choice by transferring or B) just end up sleeping at my place every night anyway. And so I offered to let her move in with me.








I know what you guys are thinking, that being 22 and moving in with someone who you have only known for 6 months and spent maybe 2 of those months with together total is a bad idea -- but even with how things worked out, I still maintain that I would have done this over again, for two reasons. Firstly, I had never lived with a girlfriend before and had access to the frequency and quality of unprotected sex that this provides. I probably had had sex about as many times total in my life up til that point, as me and Laura banged out in her first couple of weeks here. The other reason moving in with her had to happen was because of money/logistical issues to make everything make sense for her because of all the other costs associated with moving and out of state tuition. We mutually agreed upon an escape clause, though -- if things didn't work out, she would either bite the bullet and move to the dorms, or move back home with her parents. Although this all seems a little sudden, we had established a very strong connection over the prior 6 months before she moved, and we both felt we were very right for each other.

As I continue telling this story, you may notice a distinct erosion on my part of DJ actions, mindset, or thoughts. This is entirely relevant and will tie in nicely with the moral to this incredibly long story.

When she moved here, I flew out with her so that we could drive her car and all her belongings cross-country. This trip was huge -- it let us know we really could be in close quarters, constant company, under stressful situations, and still be compatible. On top of that, it forged some life-changingly good memories and experiences for me that I had been missing up until then. Right away I knew my relationship with Laura would be my first "big one".




Continued.....

 

[thecurtainfalls]

And so, she moved in with me and it was GOLDEN. We fvcked probably 5 times a day on average at first, which was quite the experience for a guy who had fvcked about 150 times total in his life before that. We did everything together (RED FLAG), and I found myself in a new, strange, and wonderful life where I was helping a person I loved very much and was incredibly attracted to adjust to life in a new city. I was making many sacrifices at the time (primarily financially and in terms of a time investment) to make sure that she didn't feel isolated or left on her own. I didn't think it would be right to move in with someone in a city where they didn't know anyone (except my friends) and then ditch them all the time (RED FLAG). I stopped practicing and playing shows with my band so that I had time to spend with her at night or take her places. Our relationship was not strained because of this in any way -- in fact, I relished my role as protector. She was completely dependent on me (RED FLAG) for so many things and I was more than happy to do whatever I could to make her adjustment to a new city easier (RED FLAG). I think being so dependent on me intensified her bond with me even more that first year, and it just felt like we were so meant to be together.

Our first year together was 95% positive, with no serious fights to speak of. But one of the first warning signs I saw was that Laura began feeling like she wasn't making many new friends here, and she was getting down about it. She had had a fairly active social life back home, and she missed having a best girl friend to confide in, regardless of how well we were getting along. This issue continued to manifest itself throughout our relationship (RED FLAG), but I didn't know what to do. She just wasn't meeting anyone at school that she really clicked with, and most of the girls I knew were previous "plates" or not really girls I'd necessarily think she would have gotten along with. To compensate, I spent MORE time with her, tried to find MORE things for us to do, I BOUGHT her **** that I could barely afford like a phat TV and xbox 360 for our bedroom to try and make her feel comfortable in our living situation.

But as time went by after that first year and a half, something invisibly changed one day. I noticed that Laura's personality after about the 14 month mark in our relationship or so had dropped a couple of notches from the bubbly, happy, and loving person that I had known. She was still affectionate towards me, but I knew it was bothering her that she still wasn't making more friends. She was withdrawn occasionally and depressed for seemingly no reason at times-- then the next day she would act completely normal and I would convince myself nothing was really wrong. I took this as a sign of normal transitional difficulty and didn't worry myself too much over it (WHOOPS).

By that 1.5 year mark, things had simply changed. We'd needed to move to another (smaller) apartment. We'd adopted two dogs. We both had new jobs. She had finally started making the friends that she had wanted so much, and it finally contributed to her sense of independence, after almost two years of being around me constantly, and really only meeting people who were already my friends. We had good days and bad days, but the emotional distance was really setting in. I could tell she wasn't happy a lot of the time, but when I'd ask her about it, she would say everything was fine. At this point we were fvcking about 4-5 times a month probably. I noticed that Laura was gradually changing. For the duration of our relationship, I had been in the driver's seat in many ways, but this was beginning to change. Laura got more irritated more easily, she was getting stressed about school and her grades for the first time in 4 semesters out here, and she was making hanging out with her new best friend and other friends a large priority in her life -- which I had NO problem with whatsoever. I thought, like a dumbass chump, that now our relationship might start improving since she had developed the social life and her own independence that she had missed from back home.

But somewhere along the way, men, and the REASON and MORAL to why I have typed this epic novel which no brave soul will actually read in its entirety;

Our roles reversed. She, who was once so dependent on me for everything that it takes to move across the country to live with a significant other, was now finally growing and becoming independent on her own out here, and I had ceased to be a CHALLENGE. Especially in the last 6 months (although I laid the groundwork for this early on in our relationship), I was beginning to feel MORE AND MORE dependent/attached to her as she began to slip away more and more (in terms of both her physically being home and the emotional distance that was setting in).

I had invested my TIME (over 2.5 years including suffering through a long distance relationship!!), my money (thousands of dollars for dinners, trips, gifts, all of which she showed no appreciation for during the last 6 months), my emotional well-being, in this person. I sacrificed the quality of my family relationships, lost touch with and time with some of my friends, missed time spent practicing with my band, missed a Dodger playoff game (absolute blasphemy)... all the things that used to be big important parts of my life. And I had done it all willingly out of my real love for Laura. But somewhere along the way my investment became so great and my fear of loss so pervasive that I metamorphosed back into an AFC, which only served to push her away farther I am sure. What began as our seemingly magical world together finished as a bizarre scene that felt like I was trying to tame, cage, or hold onto this girl as tight as I could so she wouldn't escape.

Earlier this week, we were still together. But Laura had become very, very distant in the last 6 weeks. We no longer shared very much closeness -- largely because she was very closed off to me at home, responding with very limited enthusiasm in regards to anything dealing with a display of affection, such as even wanting to give me a hug and kiss unprompted. I couldn't understand it. I knew that there were issues that we would need to talk through. We had been in an enormous fight over nothing that almost broke us up 2 months earlier and I was so scared of losing her from that experience that I wanted to do something pro-active to help our relationship. There was simply no communication or intimacy left -- I'm sure some men who read this have been through a similar situation. So I sent her an e-mail which was extremely fair and balanced saying that she doesn't seem to have the time or the desire to really make some time for us anymore, and that I wanted to really put some effort back into our relationship because I loved her and I believed in everything we had created and been through for the last 2 years, a relationship unlike any other I had ever been through, with staggering highs and memories that will undoubtedly last a lifetime.

And so it was that I found myself 4 days ago absolutely devastated, blasted apart emotionally, and in psychic shock when Laura broke up with me. She was crying a bit while she did it, but she said she "needed space" and that "the chemistry is gone"... that she still wanted to be friends but she didn't want ANY boyfriend right now. She said that she isn't seeing anyone else, nor does she want to right now. She said that after reading my e-mail, she realized that she had turned into a sh!tty girlfriend, and that she was feeling tremendously guilty for what she had put me through (which was basically acting aloof towards me for a couple of months and pretending everything was fine when pressed about it). She did have some good points while she was breaking up with me including that her family (who she is very close to) is fully expecting her to move back home when she finishes school.

But what I was most shocked by was the callousness with which she was able to say "I just don't think it's working out... I know you can tell we don't have that same spark that used to be there". She said she thinks we moved in together too young, and that she just can't be in that kind of a situation anymore at this point in her life.

It crushed me, men. The very principles that allowed me to land such a beautiful and extraordinary young woman in the first place were forgotten as soon as we were living together and I was banging her daily. I was so naieve to think that once you have the girl, the work ends. Sure, there are many very unique aspects and facets to the relationship we shared and it might not have worked out anyway -- but right now I feel like I let this happen largely by letting myself get too comfortable.

Right now I am dealing with a tremendous amount of pain, and by typing my whole long story I am hoping to provide some guy out there with some insight that might save his relationship, or cause him to re-examine his actions. Because I am now a living reminder of the fact that the DJ way cannot end once the relationship begins. I allowed myself to begin basing my value, my self-worth on this person. People I would meet would be impressed by what a hot and cool girlfriend I had, then they'd be even more impressed that I was living with her. I fed off of that. I rested on my laurels, I let my relationship consume my life, and here I am 2 years later with an absolutely shattered heart because I allowed Laura to define me and DOMINATE THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE in a way that I never should have.

Continued....

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Of course, while she broke up with me I pulled many AFC moves -- allowing her to see me get emotional, pleading with her to reconsider, asking her to take more time to think about it, and worrying incessantly immediately after about whether we could still be friends so I could at least still have her in my life.

Thankfully, that first night, she stayed at her best girl friend's house (I still believe her on this one... yea, she might have another branch lined up but I don't believe she is doing the panky yet, because she would have told me) and I was alone with my grief, trying to figure out what to do. I googled some lame thing like "how to win your ex back", and imagine my shock when around 3am I stumbled onto SoSuave, a site I had visited as much as 8 years ago, a site that gave me a lot of the tools I needed to get an LTR in the first place.... and now the site which is providing a wealth of resources to help me get over this huge chapter in my life. Suddenly I realized everything that I had done all at once... the AFCisms, allowing dependency to overtake me, and losing sight of the idea that I am the prize.

And so, 2 years since my last post, I am here to simply tell my story so that perhaps someone out there will get something useful out of it. I do not think that my chump-ish actions alone led to the end of this life-altering relationship (she does truly have some issues that she needs to work on), but I believe that they were a major part of the reason. Especially since I was confronted with the whole "the spark is gone" talk. Sounds like I blew it, but there is no reason to pine for a girl that doesn't feel love for me after all we have been through together. These lessons which I have learned will help me greatly as I continue my journey.

Dudes, the journey does not end once you snag a girl that you think is the one for you. Protect your heart, maintain some sort of sane emotional distance, and above all remember that you are the prize -- your value is in NO way tied to any other person.

Cheers,

thecurtainfalls

 

[Lion]

A very insightful post thecurtainfalls, you sound like you are at peace with what happened. What now? Keep on moving.

 

[pjtheman]

Good man, you take a long time to get to the point but what you mean is clear and you get across a point that many fail to get: even when you've got the girl you have to work hard. The tests will never stop (I don't mean that in a sinister way it's just that there was an article that i can't remember the name of that said something about an ongoing active test that's always being used by women)

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Thank you for your reactions. I apologize for being long-winded but writing this was very cathartic for me.

Lion, although the wound is fresh I do feel like I am coming to terms with it all. You're right... time to keep on moving, keep learning and growing. There is no way that I won't look back on this chapter of my life without remembering how much it made me grow and improve as a person.

 

[WhtRbt]

Great post man, I went through the exact same situation as you pretty much (without the long distance component).

I think it is a very valuable thing. I too knew some pickup stuff, but I didn't REALLY SERIOUSLY NO BULL**** fix myself until after my 2year live-in girl of my dreams and I broke up. It completely devastated me and pretty much shattered my reality.

So I think you've taken a very important step, and had a very important life experience, and now you will be able to REALLY get your **** handled.

 

[Premium]

Kudos for seeing the positive in all this because there are better situations ahead. You need to get that band back out there!

 

[Lenni]

Bro, that story in a LOT of ways relates to my own. At one point, my ex was so dependent of me that I never would have thought she would break things off, just like you had mentioned. But sh!t happens, right? Anyways, that was a great post. Keep strong.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Wow, thank you guys so much for your responses... it really helps to know that other guys have been through this too. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read all that, too. I am glad I created this thread.

 

[bukowski_merit]

bukowski has been there as well - although with me, it was over 9 years ago!
all i had read on seduction was a david deangelo book...
i was 19. she was 18. started out fbs... ended up lovers within a month. moved in together within 5 months... and yes it was absolute paradise.... like you said - wed fvck 4-5 times a day, and she would initiate the sex 90% of the time (which i cant remember the last time i let a current girl do the same - but im wiser now.) we too had made each other our lives... abandoning all our friends and i even abandoned my musical aspirations... never looked back or thought twice about it because it was in the name of keeping each other happy and safe...

with us it stayed pretty good for 3 years.... the sex slowed down to about 4-5 times a week...

about 3.5 years in something happened... to this day - with all my knowledge - i cant put my finger on it... but suddenly ALL the attraction she had for me died down.. she began to nag me about dumb stuff and cut sex down to 1-2 times a month. i stupidly responded with logical questioning, to which she also said 'nothing is wrong,' and if pressed about sex she'd do the good ol' 'is that all we are? sex?' and like a fvcking wimp of wimps id get emotional and say 'no, i just want you to want me like you used to want me =( why dont you?' or 'but a man has basic needs and sex is one of them.' and we made an agreement to do it once a week and i'd have to ask for it because she couldnt tell when i wanted it.......gentleman - i am getting sick to my stomach with disgust at how i used to be.... but i THOUGHT HER TELLING ME WE COULD DO IT ONCE A WEEK IF I ASKED WAS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD!!!!!! LOL sickening!

to cut down on this - we ended at about 4 years in... over some real dumb stuff.... i got a head start though =) i found this site and a few others BEFORE THE BREAKUP! (mostly to stop it from happening)

that still didnt stop it from happening.. but when it happened and she finally said 'we're through' - - - i feel a big change in me happened.... i smiled, acknowledged she said it - grabed my pillow off the bed... went into the basement (my video games, workout stuff, hangout area was down there) and played madden until 3am in the morning! without one tear... without one care...

LARGELY BECAUSE OF SITES LIKE THIS... BECAUSE I KNEW THAT MY LIFE WAS ABOUT TO BECOME AMAZING! I KNEW I WAS GOING TO SOAK UP EVERYTHING I COULD AND BECOME A LOT MORE HAPPY THAN I HAD BEEN THE LAST YEAR...

and i havent looked back...

currently juggling 4 women... 2 ive been in rel with for over a year... the other two - over 6 months... happy as a fairly unsuccessful (business wise) man can be lol....

and the best part - my ex has repeatidly tried to get me back... my social value has passed hers by a ton... she regularly dates scum bags now... texting me some lonely nights telling me im the only sure thing she ever had in her life and shed do anything to have me back... and how shes sorry and she made a big mistake taking me for granted... blah blah...

but i have no interest in her... not because i want to punish her... but because ive moved past her...

this was 4-5 years ago... it took me about a year to get back in the groove... all i can say is GOOD LUCK! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP... AND REALIZE YOU HAVE A WHOLE NEW WORLD IN FRONT OF YOU! PLAY SOME MADDEN ON THAT 360! THE ANGER FROM OPPONENTS USING GLITCHES TO WIN GAMES WILL MAKE YOU FORET (IM JOKING OF COURSE.... JUST =)

 

[thecurtainfalls]

lmao, great post bukowski! I see a lot of similarities in our situations. I can't even tell you guys how much better I feel already after reading your responses. It helps to know that you're not even close to the only one that's been through this kind of ****.

 

[LittleRiverBand]

I notice a common trend with all of these "LTR gone wrong" posts. The girl is always "so hot"..."she had perfect tits, perfect ass, but she really liked me." And "we had monkey sex 5 times a day then it stopped and the attraction faded."

Successful long term relationships aren't based on lust and sexual attraction. They're based on two people that are compatible and have similar mindsets/values/goals in life. While there has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, I'd take the 6/7 that I really click with over the 8/9/10 that's great in bed but has emotional baggage (that can usually be sniffed out from the start.)

 

[thecurtainfalls]

I notice a common trend with all of these "LTR gone wrong" posts. The girl is always "so hot"..."she had perfect tits, perfect ass, but she really liked me." And "we had monkey sex 5 times a day then it stopped and the attraction faded."

Successful long term relationships aren't based on lust and sexual attraction. They're based on two people that are compatible and have similar mindsets/values/goals in life. While there has to be a certain amount of physical attraction, I'd take the 6/7 that I really click with over the 8/9/10 that's great in bed but has emotional baggage (that can usually be sniffed out from the start.)

I do see your point there, but in my case we were in a long distance relationship for 6 months before she actually moved, just due to the logistics of paperwork, transferring schools, etc. Although we did make a few visits in that time period, we went as much as 3 months straight without seeing one another, totally dependent on AIM and phone convos. We had a lot of commonalities and similar dispositions or we would not have survived that period. One of the reasons this breakup is so painful for me is remembering how well we got along because we always wanted to do the same stuff for the most part.

Also, I only mention that she was hot because it really adds to the "fvck with my head" factor, as I had never sexed a girl that hot before, let alone sexed her for 2 years. Also, it may explain some of the ridiculous lengths I was willing to go to for her.

 

[LittleRiverBand]

Also, it may explain some of the ridiculous lengths I was willing to go to for her.

Exactly. You were so focused on her looks and the sex that you didn't want to lose her and she probably noticed that.

 

[SickAgain]

Dude this is Cali man! Get back out there! Give her her space and see if you guys can rekindle but don't expect anything. But you can't get down about it, it seems like you were a great player at one point. I believe you can find that kind of heart again. I really enjoyed your long azz post, you should be a writer.

 

[drak_ool]

dude, been there before...

for me though everything started crumbling when we went from seeing each other every day, sleeping together every night, f.ucking constantly and all, to her moving away after school and the start of a LDR.

that didn't work and I turned into a huge chump in order to try to patch things up, then basically begging her to stay with me when she mentionned a break.

However, as my trust in her eroded, I found the balls to cut her loose myself. I had dealt with a lot of pain up until I came to that decision, but needless to say, that was a turning point in my life!

I felt so relieved, not sad at all, actually happy to put all the drama and bs behind me. That very same night I had 2 chicks spend the night at my place... never looked back, never talked to this girl again, even though she still tries to contact me (it s been 2 years since we broke up)!

One question for the OP: do you still live with this girl? how did you work out the logistics part of things?

and good luck, you got bigger and better things in front of you

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Dude this is Cali man! Get back out there! Give her her space and see if you guys can rekindle but don't expect anything. But you can't get down about it, it seems like you were a great player at one point. I believe you can find that kind of heart again. I really enjoyed your long azz post, you should be a writer.

thanks a lot for your support! I do have some writing aspirations. I'm glad to know there are people here with the attention span to read that whole thing and then give valid advice on top of that.

To drak_ool: it is actually quite a difficult living arrangement right now. She is still living here for the moment but she has been shacking up with her girlfriend so she is hardly around. She is about to visit her home state for a pre planned two week stay, so that will give me some breathing room. After that who knows... I'm already looking into alternate living situations.


As an update, I'd like to let you guys know that my tactic right now is to be as politely distant as possible. When she is home I pay no attention to her and make sure I have a friend to distract me. I think it is starting to get to her because it's a complete reversal of the douche gold medal I won myself while she was breaking up with me. I think she thought that she would be able to use me to pump up her ego a bit more or reassure her that she made the right decision by pulling more chump moves. Instead, I think she is seriously weirder out over how well I seem to be doing. And what's great is that it's not an act. Thanks largely to the information and support I received here I am healing way faster than I ever expected to.

What's terrible is that we still have to share a bed on occasion, like last night. She thought I was asleep and I could hear her fake coughing while she was sitting up in bed to try and wake me up. She did it a couple times and when I didn't budge she laid down close to me, so close that my heart started racing. It was tough to pretend to be asleep. Didn't know if this was going to be her "I'm regretting this" moment. A big part of me was annoyed by this, like what the fvck kind of mixed signal sh!t is this. After a minute like that as if she was hoping I would wake up and notice her, She sighed and went in the other room. When she left I opened my eyes and saw from the indent in the pillow that she had been laying closer to me than I thought. I started entertaining all sorts of horrible ideas like trying for one last fvck. But now that he moment has passed my weakness has subsided.

Anyway I don't know what's going on, but either way my sudden acceptance and adherence to no contact (as much as possible obviously) is seemingly affecting her. I will continue to update the thread if any more developments or learning situations arise. Thank you all again for your support, it means more than you know during this tough time.

 

[DJDanny]

wow, this reads almost word for word the last 3 1/2 years of my life. Well except the fact she made me marry her about 2 1/2 years in.

She was from out of town and moved in after a couple months, sex was frequent, she never made many friends out here. I kept being a challenge and her interest level stayed high but she was dependant on me for absolutely everything(RED FLAG!) We rarely fought, got a dog together, she lost contact with the few friends she did have out here.

She ended up proposing to me after 1 1/2 years and we got married last August but even then things were clearly on the downhill, i had gotten tired of being everything to her and started to become the AFC again. She finally started making friends out here again and as soon as that happened our relationship turned ice cold.

I of course instead of being a challenge turn into the biggest, most chumpiest AFC i could imagine. Begging, pleading for her to remember the good times with me. I too googled things on how to save our relationship and in the end i ended up back here somehow making this my first post in over 3 years.

For me the one big thing i noticed in the OPs post was

But somewhere along the way my investment became so great and my fear of loss so pervasive that I metamorphosed back into an AFC, which only served to push her away farther I am sure.

This was exactly what i feel happened to me and doomed our relationship.

And I am a couple months further along then you, my recommendation, get over it, I wasted 2+ months trying to get a relationship back that was gone, further more, it will never be the same relationship you remembered from the start even if you do mend things. It's hard to do but put it in your mind you deserve better and you're going to have fun.

Personally, I am renting out my house for the next year or more and am moving in with friends closer to the inner city so I can get back in the game, sometimes the best way to move forward is to completely change your situation so you aren't burdened by the painful memories anymore.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

DJDanny, that is really crazy man. I never thought in a million years that other people would have experiences so similar to mine. It is really helping me continue to cope, although I am finding myself confronted with a new challenge.

If any guys here have any advice about the pros or cons of trying to get one or two last good fvcks in before it's all over, I'd like to hear it. Unfortunately we do have to share a bed for the next week and last night I found myself retardedly horny and frustrated that I couldn't touch her. Thoughts started flying through my head about all the times we'd fvcked and how unbearable going through the rest of my life without seeing her naked again would make me feel. Although I am still having a very difficult time with this split, I am at least happy that I seemed to have turned a corner in that sex, and not my AFC delusions of trying to win her back, is what is occupying my mind.

For now I'm keeping contact to a bare minimum. Probably said two sentences to her yesterday and she was the one who approached me.

Any of you worthy DJs feel like there's anyhing to be gained by trying for that one last fvck? If so, is it better to try in he next week before she visits home for two weeks or when she gets back? We will be looking into living situations pretty soon after she's back but due to logistics it may take a few extra weeks of sharing the bed with her.

God I miss fvcking her already :-(