Trying to "mold" her

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I am creating some extremes, specifically to better understand how to establish them.

Let's put it some other way then, so you understand what I mean with 'establish boundaries/standards right at the beginning':

You have a hot new lover.

She starts sucking your penis, but she really sucks at fellatio.

When will you tell her you want her to fellate your penis the way you like it?

 

[jhonny9546]

The example is not clear because You react to her actions; you don't establish them in advance. If she is not good at performing oral sex, then you react by establishing a standard by telling her how to do it. The next time, she will perform better.

But what happens if she cheats on you? You cannot establish boundaries after the fact.

 

[The Duke]

How do you establish boundaries?


Here's a great list from Google AI:

-Self-reflection: Understand your own needs and values to identify areas where you need to set boundaries.

-Identify specific behaviors: Clearly define what behaviors are unacceptable or cross your boundaries.

-Choose the right time: Pick a calm moment to discuss boundaries with the person involved.

-Communicate assertively: Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs directly, without blaming or accusing.

-Be clear and concise: Explain your boundary clearly and simply, avoiding ambiguity.

-Set consequences: Discuss what will happen if the boundary is crossed, and be prepared to follow through.

-Practice self-care: Be mindful of your emotions and prioritize your well-being when enforcing boundaries

Here are a few personal examples I've had with former girlfriends:

1. I used to pick my girlfriend up for our date and we would go eat somewhere. She had a habit of getting on her phone and checking her social media on the 20min drive to the restaurant. I hadn't seen her all week, and I wanted her undividied attention and wanted to have good converstion with her. So the first time she did it, I said in a funny tone "hey, are you on a date with me or that phone?" She got the hint and put her phone down. The second time it happened, I said "I haven't seen you much this week and I'd like to have an undivided conversation with just you, not you and your phone. My apologies for not making that clear the last time. If this happens again, we will just stay home". I got some attitude this time. And guess what, this happened a third time over the course of 2months. The third time I turned my truck around, went home, made myself a sandwich, then enjoyed my hobby the rest of the evening. It never happened again.

2. Another former girlfriend was complaining about our relationship and how she wasn't happy. blah blah blah. I listened to her and told her I would try and do better. This all played out during a 30min conversation in the car on the way to eat. When we got to the restaurant she kept complaining. I told her she had 5 more minutes to say what she had to say and after that the conversation needed to change or I would walk out and leave her there. I interjected at the 5 minute mark, even reminded her she needed to wrap it up or I was leaving. I ended up leaving her. After a few minutes she blew my phone up non-stop for 2hrs and I ignored every attempt. She went outside the restaurant and cried her eyes out. A few hours later an Uber dropped her off at my house. Never had any more problems like that again.

With my current girlfriend whenever she tells me a story of another girl acting out, or we are somewhere and a couple is having an argument and one of them is getting out of hand throwing a tantrum, I always share my thoughts so she knows that schitt isn't acceptable to me. I let her know that if she wants to pull that crap and have a melt down that she can find a new boyfriend.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Here are a few personal examples I've had with former girlfriends:

Great post, both and

 

[jhonny9546]

How do you establish boundaries?

Thanks for sharing your experiences this is really clarifing.

These are boundaries that you set when the situation presents itself to you. These are things that I do as well. I’ve noticed that when I'm alone with a woman, it’s unconsciously easier for me, as if I become more of a man. Does this happen to you too?

Now, there are larger boundaries, such as not cheating, not going out with friends to certain places, maintaining cleanliness and taking care of the house, and looking after my clothes. Additionally, when you want to make her understand that she is doing something wrong, you need to communicate that you wouldn’t accept her behavior in the relationship if she continues to stay on the couch and neglects her health by not engaging in physical activity.

Here, we encounter more "sensitive" limits. How do you put them into practice?

I liked your approach. You gave her three chances. In short, when you want to set a boundary, you provide her with three opportunities, and on the third infraction, you withdraw your complete attention.

For example, if she starts using her phone in the car again after a year, what would you do? Alternatively, she might ask for your permission to use it.

We're human after all

 

[The Duke]

These are boundaries that you set when the situation presents itself to you. These are things that I do as well. I’ve noticed that when I'm alone with a woman, it’s unconsciously easier for me, as if I become more of a man. Does this happen to you too?

Yes being alone with her its easier for me to deal with issues. I don't have to contend with how others might perceive and influence our interaction. Her girlfriends and most others always side with the cute girl that is upset.

Now, there are larger boundaries, such as not cheating, not going out with friends to certain places, maintaining cleanliness and taking care of the house, and looking after my clothes. Additionally, when you want to make her understand that she is doing something wrong, you need to communicate that you wouldn’t accept her behavior in the relationship if she continues to stay on the couch and neglects her health by not engaging in physical activity.

Here, we encounter more "sensitive" limits. How do you put them into practice?

That stuff needs discussed up front. Don't worry about being sensitive. Some of those can be major deal breakers. You don't compromise on that stuff. Be direct and stern. I'm usually pretty direct and open with my thoughts and expectations. As a result, all of my ex girlfriends have always said they always worry about pleasing me. Its not hard to know what I like and don't like, I've most likely shared it from the start. Set the bar where you want it set, they can meet your expectations or fall by the wayside.

For example, if she starts using her phone in the car again after a year, what would you do? Alternatively, she might ask for your permission to use it.

I'd ask her why she keeps disrespecting my boundary. She won't have a good answer I guarantee that. Then I tell her, that her disrespect is a problem in our relationship. That disrespect will manifest in other areas. And thats why ended up breaking up with this chic.

One of the first signs a woman will display when she isn't into the relationship like she used to be is when she starts acting disrespectful(after you've made your expectations clear). They are subconsciously telling you they aren't happy with the relationship and things aren't headed in a positive direction.

 

[jhonny9546]

One of the first signs a woman will display when she isn't into the relationship like she used to be is when she starts acting disrespectful(after you've made your expectations clear). They are subconsciously telling you they aren't happy with the relationship and things aren't headed in a positive direction.

Oh! I can actually see this in my friends' LTR's from both sides. It seems like they are trying to work on something they've discussed, but they still can't seem to make it happen. When you have a marriage, a child, and a very exhausting career, it becomes even harder.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]