Trying to "mold" her

[jhonny9546]

I'll tell you a short story about how I changed her behavior, towards me, by not validating her.
I was inspired by a friend who did this with his girlfriend.
In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.
One day, at lunch, instead of thanking her, I simply didn't validate her. I said, "Why don't you heat it up for me? Do you want me to eat it cold?" She became upset and responded rudely, while I remained silent.

She continued to make me cold meals, but after about a week, she started to heat them for me. Then I validated her efforts. Now, most of the meals are warm!

Since I'm a nice guy, this thing doesn't come natural to me, and hurt me, but this is what I've done to make her change her behaviour. What do you think, could I've done it better?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Since I'm a nice guy, this thing doesn't come natural to me, and hurt me, but this is what I've done to make her change her behaviour. What do you think, could I've done it better?

Yes, but it's a beginning. At least you understand that your attention and validation are your currency, which becomes more valuable when a woman has to put effort in acquiring. That's why you don't need to worry about women getting free attention and validation from orbiters - their freely given attention doesn't carry the same value as your attention and validation that she has to earn.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Don’t try to change her everyone here will tell you the same thing that it’s a waste of energy and it will never work. You are going to have to figure this out for yourself. It may take six months. It may take longer than that, but there is a real scientific principle, called Neuroplasticity that you should look into, especially as women age or any human. It’s very hard for a leopard to change its stripes that saying has been around since the beginning of time for a reason. I just dealt with two years of it myself this board more than eight out of 10 times is right. Trust it trust the process I can’t stress that enough.

 

[BaronOfHair]

In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.

Are you allowing whatever grub your eating to get chilly, THEN expecting her to heat it up for you? If so, that brings us back around to a prior observation https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/anger.283121/#post-3137037 Toddlers in adult bodies indeed

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Find someone who already is what you want and stop wasting time and energy trying to change someone. It won't work.

 

[Ricky]

I disagree that people dont change. The problem is that people often change for the worse

it takes effort to make ones self better. Alot aren’t willing to put in the effort

 

[The Duke]

I'll tell you a short story about how I changed her behavior, towards me, by not validating her.
I was inspired by a friend who did this with his girlfriend.
In short, my girlfriend makes me food, but I always eat it cold, and she never puts it in warm.
One day, at lunch, instead of thanking her, I simply didn't validate her. I said, "Why don't you heat it up for me? Do you want me to eat it cold?" She became upset and responded rudely, while I remained silent.

She continued to make me cold meals, but after about a week, she started to heat them for me. Then I validated her efforts. Now, most of the meals are warm!

Since I'm a nice guy, this thing doesn't come natural to me, and hurt me, but this is what I've done to make her change her behaviour. What do you think, could I've done it better?

So let me get this straight.....you sat there eating cold meal after cold me and never told her you prefer a hot meal until now?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

So let me get this straight.....you sat there eating cold meal after cold me and never told her you prefer a hot meal until now?

He doesn't know you should establish boundaries and standards at the start of the relationship.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Find someone who already is what you want and stop wasting time and energy trying to change someone. It won't work.

He needs to leave his country to do that

 

[BillyPilgrim]

OP you will continue to be obsessed with intergender power struggles until you leave you home country's toxic society. What's your exit plan?

 

[jhonny9546]

OP you will continue to be obsessed with intergender power struggles until you leave you home country's toxic society. What's your exit plan?

From what you say it would seem easy and painless.
Because finding her feminine and submissive takes me little to go to the Philippines, the problem is that you have to stay there, and not bring her here.
From your experiences what have you discovered?

He doesn't know you should establish boundaries and standards at the start of the relationship.

When and How you do it, it's my biggest issue.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

When and How you do it, it's my biggest issue.

You should know your boundaries and standards before you even start interacting with a woman. When internalised, these standards and boundaries become intrinsic with your self-esteem and suffuse your entire being. A man with self-esteem walks tall with head high and upright posture. When interacting, the tone of voice used shows you're not a person to trifle with and people will assume you have boundaries and standards, because this self-esteem doesn't come out of thin air.

 

[jhonny9546]

When interacting, the tone of voice used shows you're not a person to trifle with and people will assume you have boundaries and standards

My brother-in-law actually has a "bad guy" attitude, and there are people around him who say he is petty or appears to be a scoundrel. For example, he enters both formal and informal settings with the same demeanor: he never says "Hi everyone," but instead starts with a simple "Hi" or makes an assertion like "So the dog is doing that again," or just says "Ehhh," often while doing some trick.

My sister actually goes mad for him because she told me he shows that he has "no fear" of anything.

He certainly intimidates people with this "bad guy" attitude, but what you're referring to is something more akin to a "Berlusconi" type of behavior (do you know about the Italian politician's demeanor?). Or perhaps it's just typical of any politician.

For example, my uncle enters a room with a voice that is usually low but strong, as if he’s using his diaphragm to sing. You can really hear the power in his voice.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

My brother-in-law actually has a "bad guy" attitude, and there are people around him who say he is petty or appears to be a scoundrel. For example, he enters both formal and informal settings with the same demeanor: he never says "Hi everyone," but instead starts with a simple "Hi" or makes an assertion like "So the dog is doing that again," or just says "Ehhh," often while doing some trick.

For example, my uncle enters a room with a voice that is usually low but strong, as if he’s using his diaphragm to sing. You can really hear the power in his voice.

I'm talking about commanding respect, not about bullying and intimidating. I'm pretty much always friendly and kind, but people realise that if they treat me wrong, I can quickly become unfriendly and unkind. So, more like your uncle and less like your brother-in-law.

My sister actually goes mad for him because she told me he shows that he has "no fear" of anything.

No offence, but your sister sounds like a fool. Blatant disregard of social settings because 'this is how fearless I am' actually shows insecurity about how to behave in public.
As to the 'showing no fear of anything', only a suicidal psychopath feels no fear, but fearlessness is not to be respected from a risk management perspective. You should have a modicum of fear in order to be a combat pragmatist, or you would blunder heedlessly into dangerous situations.

 

[jhonny9546]

So, more like your uncle and less like your brother-in-law.

I would come back in time and be born to my uncle.
With Him as a father I would have 50% of my current problems fixed.

 

[The Duke]

@jhonny9546
Your remedy for this problem is passive aggressive. Its very feminine.

like AA said, you need to set the boundaries from the start.

A man that is passive and doesn't say what he means because he is worried about being nice isn't attractive to women. Its what they do. Then they sit their in regret and display passive aggressive behavior and expect a man to read their mind.

They want a strong man that stands up for what he wants and is sticks to his convictions.

Its a struggle to try and put the cat back in the bag. Best to always define expectations and set boundaries early on.

 

[jhonny9546]

set boundaries early on.

As I mentioned before, it’s not like you read a contract to her or set an appointment to list all your boundaries.

It’s more about making her aware of the boundaries as you navigate the relationship.

For example, a friend of mine was having a conversation with his girlfriend and some other friends. During this conversation, the topic of "cheating" came up, and one of my friends loudly asked him, "What would you do if your girlfriend cheated on you?" He replied, "She'd be out immediately."

In this case, my friend established a boundary in an indirect way.

How do you usually estabilish em?

 

[Vanderdonck]

As I mentioned before, it’s not like you read a contract to her or set an appointment to list all your boundaries.

It’s more about making her aware of the boundaries as you navigate the relationship.

For example, a friend of mine was having a conversation with his girlfriend and some other friends. During this conversation, the topic of "cheating" came up, and one of my friends loudly asked him, "What would you do if your girlfriend cheated on you?" He replied, "She'd be out immediately."

In this case, my friend established a boundary in an indirect way.

How do you usually estabilish em?

Personal boundaries are not there to control other people's behaviors. They're for you to rely on so you can trust yourself and be as c0cksure as that brother in law of yours. Doesn't mean you have to be a boor either. Just rock solid on your personal principles.

No matter how "in line" your woman is she will do something eventually that runs afoul of your boundaries. I don't care how sweet and innocent and virginal and demure a woman is, they all respond to the same prompts. And nobody is perfect. People will do what they want at the end of the day, so your boundaries are for you to be secure knowing you'll do what you want.

With the cold meal example I don't know if she was even aware of your preference for heated meals. If not then she did nothing wrong. I would have said something more direct ("This is great but I prefer it heated"). Now if she had kept serving it cold, then yes she's crossing a boundary. Otherwise it's just a meal preference and she probably wondered why you didn't speak up sooner.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

As I mentioned before, it’s not like you read a contract to her or set an appointment to list all your boundaries.

How do you usually estabilish em?

You keep asking the same thing. We've explained it to you before.

You should know your boundaries and standards before you even start interacting with a woman. When internalised, these standards and boundaries become intrinsic with your self-esteem and suffuse your entire being. A man with self-esteem walks tall with head high and upright posture. When interacting, the tone of voice used shows you're not a person to trifle with and people will assume you have boundaries and standards, because this self-esteem doesn't come out of thin air.

It's like 'house rules'. Everybody knows that you leave your shoes by the door and you don't leave skid marks in the toilet bowl. The moment someone walks into your house with their shoes on, you tell them to leave the shoes by the door. If someone leaves skid marks in the toilet, you send them back to clean up their sh!t. If they don't behave / give you lip, throw them out of the house.

If anyone serves you cold food that's supposed to be heated, you don't eat it, but you tell them the food is cold. If you eat the cold food, you're telling them you don't give a sh!t. This is you establishing your boundaries, essentially giving them permission to give you cold food. Suddenly going 180 and telling them they cannot serve you cold food shows you don't know your own boundaries.

I hope you're not a father, because your inconsistency in boundaries and standards would be confusing to a child. If a child takes a sh!t on the floor instead of going on the potty, you don't just clean it up without reprimanding the child, otherwise they will think it is okay to sh!t on the floor.
Same goes with lovers, or you'll have Amber Heard sh!tting in your bed.

 

[jhonny9546]

I hope you're not a father

I am creating some extremes, specifically to better understand how to establish them.

The fact is that when you set limits or enforce them, you will encounter reactions. How do you usually manage these reactions? Once the limit has been established, you know that you do not have to bend to any reaction.

Also because I see people trying to set limits, and then when their children cross them, they get furious, go there and beat them up.