Trouble with wife 2

[Latinoman]

And there you have it.... she does that because it gets a rise out of him because he's inherently insecure. A woman wouldnt even try that with me for that reason, because why would someone do something that is definitely going to have no effect. It'd be a waste of time.

Sure i might use a powerplay like that on a weak person too...... The the quesiton becomes, whats the problem; the person doing the powerplay or the insecure person reacting like an insecure person?

She is his wife. Not some LTR girlfriend. She should have respect for the relationship and communicate accordingly.

And has nothing to do with insecurity...but if I'm with a woman that ALWAYS wear her ring...then suddenly she start playing her game by implying she is going to act single. Then I would view that as a clear sign of disrespect. I don't compromise respect for a few bucks as drunk men would tip goodlooking women regardless of ring or not. (Note: I rarely wore my wedding band. So, I understood if she was the type that rarely wore hers. That's not the same as somebody always wearing one and then out of the sudden decide not to).

My approach would be different as I would tell her that I find it disrespectful.
I won't stop her...if she continues...then I will start taking the appropriate precautions.

I would start getting my finances ready. And I would start looking around for other women too as I won't be unhappy because of ONE woman (regardless if she is a wife). And at the end, I might even dump her...when the time is correct. As I won't care. As there are no children involve.

That's how I might do things. But I cannot advice that, because he is not me.

 

[speed dawg]

danny62,

What type of context was she using when she told you about the ring? Was it obvious she was crying like a sore tail cat? Or was she being respectful about it and letting you know the situation? That's the question, and will determine whether Latino's or Anazon's advice is worth taking. Please respond.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...My question is: Am I overreacting or not? One side says I have a good reason to be mad, other side says I'm immature. What do you guys think?

Specifically, why are you mad? Finish this sentence in detail:

"My wife not wearing her ring makes me mad because..."

 

[azanon]

You have to look at the history of their drama and apply your advice based on what has beeing going on.

Ive already said my very first advise to him in his first thread was to move on. He hasnt said anything yet that would change my overall opinion. I agree, i'd cut my losses with her. Its much easier to move on than to change someone.

So, my comments were strictly based on the wedding ring situation, taken alone. But ive said that once in this thread.

 

[azanon]

She is his wife. Not some LTR girlfriend. She should have respect for the relationship and communicate accordingly.

I agree with all of this. I think we're disagreeing on what constitues "respect" and communicating that respect though.

And has nothing to do with insecurity...but if I'm with a woman that ALWAYS wear her ring...then suddenly she start playing her game by implying she is going to act single.

I thought there was a valid reason; so she could make more tips.

Then I would view that as a clear sign of disrespect. I don't compromise respect for a few bucks as drunk men would tip goodlooking women regardless of ring or not.

So we just disagree on what constitutes respect. I'm ok with disagreeing, if you are too.

I would start getting my finances ready. And I would start looking around for other women too as I won't be unhappy because of ONE woman (regardless if she is a wife). And at the end, I might even dump her...when the time is correct. As I won't care. As there are no children involve.

I'd dump the marriage first before finding a new one. No need to give her lawyer a reason to rape you in court.

 

[Latinoman]

Specifically, why are you mad? Finish this sentence in detail:

"My wife not wearing her ring makes me mad because..."

Good point.

 

[Latinoman]

danny62,

What type of context was she using when she told you about the ring? Was it obvious she was crying like a sore tail cat? Or was she being respectful about it and letting you know the situation? That's the question, and will determine whether Latino's or Anazon's advice is worth taking. Please respond.

Good point too.

 

[NewMan]

there are bigger problems here than her decision to wear the wedding ring. Taken in isolation, in a healthy relationship, replies would be somewhat different.

She's being extremely passive agressive towards you - hence the decidion to find the the job and situation you'd dislike the most.

She's obviously pi##ed about you telling her to take responsibility for her bills. my thoughts on that are:

1) you shouldn't have married someone so financially inept to begin with.
2) if you did marry her, you should have gotten a pre nup.
3) Once this situation materialized, you should have told her to fix it or your out.


You have 2 choices, counciling or divorce.

 

[danny62]

To answer the question on why I'm pis*ed off is because she came right out and said she was going to do it. No asking me something like "How do you feel about that?" Yeah, I take that as disrespect and I think she is seeing what she can get away with. I do understand the business side of not wearing a ring. I know a bartender who does not wear her ring either because of the tips. I've dated a stripper in the past also and the common thing between the two is that they put on an act to get more money. Am I insecure? Admittedly, yeah: a LITTLE bit. As I said in my previous post, anything is possible, but I'm definitely not obsessing about that(her cheating)Anyway, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I also realize that yeah, I've crossed into AFC territory, but not far enough where I can't find my way back. I apreaciate EVERYBODYS response although Latinoman, I think you said it perfectly: Preparing myself- taking the necessary precautions. I actually started doing that around the time of my original post.

 

[danny62]

Also...I am lining up a KO punch(to borrow Joekerrs hilarious idea) and if this deteriorates any further I will do it- you can count on it. Admittedly, I am pretty laid-back, which I like, but if you push me too far then I bring down the thunder. She will just get some papers in the mail one day.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

To answer the question on why I'm pis*ed off is because she came right out and said she was going to do it. No asking me something like "How do you feel about that?" Yeah, I take that as disrespect and I think she is seeing what she can get away with. I do understand the business side of not wearing a ring. I know a bartender who does not wear her ring either because of the tips. I've dated a stripper in the past also and the common thing between the two is that they put on an act to get more money. Am I insecure? Admittedly, yeah: a LITTLE bit. As I said in my previous post, anything is possible, but I'm definitely not obsessing about that(her cheating)Anyway, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I also realize that yeah, I've crossed into AFC territory, but not far enough where I can't find my way back. I apreaciate EVERYBODYS response although Latinoman, I think you said it perfectly: Preparing myself- taking the necessary precautions. I actually started doing that around the time of my original post.

Y'know, even though her not wearing the ring does merit the feelings you are having, your response tells me that the ring isn't the major issue. I bet that you can probably rattle off a few instances where she has done something similar to this that pissed you off. This is just a symptom of something bigger.

Insecurities aside (we all know nothing good comes from it), I'm guessing that your wife had made unilateral decisions on more than a few occasions and it has pissed you off. In an attempt to continue to feel like a good guy you've justified her actions with logical reasons but that's not the issue; it's that what she is doing feels disrespectful and it's not helping your insecurities one bit. She's not engaging you in the marriage and you feel alone. This is probably why you are getting mad.

 

[Mr.Positive]

I think this is the time to protect yourself. If you call her on her game and let her work:

1) The credit card debt will start to go down (good if it comes to a divorce)
2) She will be employed and making good money (also good if it comes to a divorce).

This is the ultimate test of her faithfulness, waitressing in a jazz club with no wedding ring. If she cheats, you'll mostly likely know because she will become "distant" all of a sudden. Just be mentally prepared for the worst.

Also, the wedding ring, I'd hid it if you see it lying around. See how she reacts when it turns up missing. That should tell you a lot about her.

Men can test too..

 

[Bonhomme]

Geez, this is a sticky one. At first I wondered why she even told you she wouldn't be wearing her wedding ring, but then I figured that was insurance in case you stopped in some time.

I think the best thing to do is to tell her how annoyed you are that she didn't ask you what you thought before deciding she didn't want to wear her ring. As far as I'm concerned, the ring is yours as much as hers, at least in an emotional sense. Also, ask her what her schedule is, and see if she comes back on time. This looks like too easy a setup for extracurricular activities.

Damn good thing there are no children involved.

 

[Sir Drinksalot]

SHE doesnt really matter in all this.

the real question is why are you with her? you dont seem happy with how she lives her life or the decisions she makes.

why are you staying with someone that you obviously aren't compatible with.

i'll tell you why. like always you either perceive that you have no other options or that she is the PRIZE and you are lucky to have her.

and because you think this way now your worried that she's going to come across some dude while waitressing with a bunch of money who will let her spend like a spendthrift in exchange for f*cking her up the *ss. THAT is your real fear about the ring - that you are going to lose her.

Guess what - if you're afraid your woman is going to leave you its probably already a done deal, the only question is when and where.

your situation ain't going to get better until you stand up for yourself and know what you want in life and know whether that is truly her.

because i can tell you this. lets say someone gives you the perfect advice on this ring sh*t, guess what, next week its going to be something else. and after that something else. the "tell me what to do guys" scenario is NEVER going to end.

Dead, b@lls-on accurate :woo:

She's a pain in the @ss, she's always been a pain in the @ss,and she WILL always be a pain in the @ss.

If you don't like this kind of thing, bail before she makes it worse. Who needs this attention-sucking garbage?

 

[penkitten]

sure theres alot of guys who would tip a pretty woman more if they thought they had a shot at her , however, a good waitress is going to make pretty good tips with or without her wedding ring on in the food biz.

i think she is lying to you about making better tips without the rings.
i think she is flirting it up with other guys, and might even be becoming very social with someone while she is at work.

committed married women dont take off their rings when they go to work.

come on, there are strippers wearing their wedding rings and making tons of money, so if they can... how come your wife has to take off her ring?

 

[Sinistar]

I'd pawn it to pay down the credit card bills. Interest is a M'F'er.

...I was late to this thread and suprised it took the number of posts it did to offer that single perfect piece of advice above

She's making unilateral decisions and she lives under your roof. Forget the finances and waitress sh!t. It's simple. You are her manwife

Sell the friggin' ring while she's still naive enough to leave it with you. You can guess what my advice is regarding the relationship.

 

[Last Man Standing]

And there you have it.... she does that because it gets a rise out of him because he's inherently insecure.

The above doesn't make sense!!! Is this how a wife treats a husband?? So it is his fault now??? Put the blame where it belongs!!!

Your wife is choosing profit over principle!!! You got a keeper!

Don't marry a woman because of her looks - marry her because of her character - her past is the key to know her character!!!

She is gravely disrespecting you by encouraging other men to flirt with her -- divorce her now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't divorce her now then you are her lifetime chump biatch!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care if she decides to wear the ring afterall - her mindset is still there -- she is cheating on you bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[azanon]

The above doesn't make sense!!! Is this how a wife treats a husband?? So it is his fault now??? Put the blame where it belongs!!!

It doesnt make sense to take advantage of someone? You mean "sense" from a framework of utopian honesty that exists in your mind or your bible you read every night, but not on planet Earth? On earth, the animals tend to go for the most lame prey. On earth, it is common for a man to be kicked while he's down.

Darwinian principals do have a purpose, and there is a method to the madness. Only the most well equipped survive and the weak are weeded out. Think spock, LMS; the needs of the many outweight the needs of the few... or the one.

Your wife is choosing profit over principle!!! You got a keeper!

Yep, no doubt she has the basic principles of power mastered. Worse, ....... he doesn't. There's essentially two solutions; become more powerful than her or find one weaker than him. I'd probably do a combination.

Don't marry a woman because of her looks - marry her because of her character - her past is the key to know her character!!!

Character changes with the shifting of the wind. Anyone who thinks one's character is static is naive. I'm at a significant advantage when someone thinks I dont have many options on the table and only judges me by my past selections.

She is gravely disrespecting you by encouraging other men to flirt with her -- divorce her now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't divorce her now then you are her lifetime chump biatch!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care if she decides to wear the ring afterall - her mindset is still there -- she is cheating on you bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I actually agree that he should divorce her. She's not necessarily cheating though. Not wearing a brand signifying an outdated, religious ceremony doesn't constitute cheating.

 

[Wyldfire]

Guys, you are looking at this all wrong...

If she is going to cheat on him she will do it whether she wears the ring or not. Right now she got credit cards charged up way too much. If she doesn't pay it, as her husband it can fall back on him and hurt HIS credit and he might even have to be responsible for it depending on where he lives. Whether he chooses to leave or not he sure as heck shouldn't do it prior to those cards being paid off and it's in HIS best interest that they get paid off as quickly as possible. If she doesn't wear the ring at the waitress job it WILL mean getting those bills paid off quicker. Then, if things do get worse and they can't hold it together any longer the bills will at least be paid off and he won't have to pay them or have them hurt his financial standing. Sometimes you guys just don't think beyond your own pride and/or insecurities. Be smart when it comes to money...

 

[penkitten]

wyld, how much more can she make without the ring on an average night?