This is my last stand against unhappiness- An honest letter

[ima str8 up pimp]

Despite all my efforts guys the last thing Ive been able to do is to conquer my fear of approaching. I'm fat but a good looking guy or at least I have some kind of vibes, I get looks from the girls I'm into all the time. This has done nothing to my confidence though as I've discovered I have a fear of being alone with the girl I want - that I won't be able to perform from the point I say hi to the point we're ****ing.

To me those are both arbitrary points, because I've never reached any of them. I have no problem asking girls for things like homework or something to copy but when it comes to conversation I'm afraid to get my beak wet. I've found that it is a fear of what people will think by proxy - the content (who is judging me) is irrelevant, and so are the number of people around. One of my first fantasies was just me and my first crush in a room alone together and we got to know eachother, yet when I see a girl alone on a secluded street, I'm afraid still.

Here is the kicker that is twisting me up in knots - I've been taught how to deal with things like this. I was constantly bullied in grade 5-10 and it really got to me, then I learned to care less and less now when people say bad stuff to me or laugh/make fun of the stuff I do really I don't care because I learned what an emotional vampire is and that I can just create happiness within me. So when it happens, their opinions don't even phase me - if so not for more than an insignificant moment. Despite this knowledge, and experience based on this knowledge, something is still stopping me from approaching girls with intent of sexuality in mind. I am sick of where I am in life.. I want more friends and most of all I want more girls at all times. Please, from what you have read and know help me with my problem.

I love you all, I hope one of your 10 posts can make my tomorrow a better day.
Bless us all,
loving

Attack your problems head on, don't be lazy, and most importantly look out for player hating, advertising yourself the way you are on a site like this.One word. You need to look at the big picture. Don't get crazy and watch every action you make because it has a consequence, responsibility. I'm obviously a smart, and self aware cat by letting you know this, so use it and use this.

 

[itachi]

CapedCrusader08-
I'm hungry. Why am I hungry? What is the cause of my hunger? Do I need food right now, or am I just used to eating right now? What if I don't want to eat a small snack? What if the food doesn't taste good? How do I qualify good food?
None of those questions are relevant to the actions necessary to satisfy my desire, to eat.

loving-
The defense mechanisms aren't the problem, they're used when you can't deal with reality. The problem is whatever is distorting your perception of reality. The thoughts/beliefs are present now. You don't need to reinterpret past events (another defense mechanism) to understand the problem. Raise your self-awareness, don't diminish it by ignoring the present.

-----
These kinds of issues usually start at home when parents become overcritical of the child's failure to meet their standards. The criticisms and standards are internalized and the child comes to accept that as who they are, their self-image.

If the issue affects more than one aspect of your life, go see a psychologist.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

So what? I ask too many questions? I worry too much? I overthink? My game is lacking,or is replaced by something else perhaps?

 

[DonJuan11]

So what? I ask too many questions? I worry too much? I overthink? My game is lacking,or is replaced by something else perhaps?

Dude make some friends and stop bugging us. We are not your friends and we cannot pity you anymore. You've started so many threads about how you are jealous, you can't approach, life is unbearable, your game sucks.

You should join the Iraq War, they need you.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

no. no Iraq.I know what happens there.hah. I do not want pity,I want a way out,but find myself caught up in my own cycle(s). As for freinds,idk,I am weary of people,and don't like the idea of going along with the group/everyone else. I have something missing it feels like.

 

[itachi]

So what? I ask too many questions? I worry too much? I overthink? My game is lacking,or is replaced by something else perhaps?

Well, since that didn't seem to get through to you, seek therapy.
Your thoughts and questions are defensive moves and you don't even realize it. It's perpetuating the problem.

Social interaction isn't a one-sided game between you and a non-responsive agent/doll.
The same reason a 5 (defining that as "regular") isn't appealing to a 9 or 10 is the same reason that a 1 isn't appealing to you.

The environment won't revert its structure for you. You can either adapt to the changes, or become vocal about your discontent with cultural norms. The latter is maladaptive.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

What didn't get through? I do realize it is all perpetuating the problem. I am worried about the impact of all this. Esp if I have some sort of mental illness.

Is it a lack of social interaction? How do I adapt? What is the difference between adapting and following everyone else? What is wrong with discontent over cultrual norms?

 

[itachi]

Apparently, nothing did.
You realize you have a problem but nothing past that. The constant questioning over trivial details isn't getting you anywhere.
What good will result from having these answers, better-informed decisions? There won't be any decisions until you stop overloading on information (attention is a limited-capacity process). Regain some sense of tranquility? That's what makes it a defense mechanism.


* Koreans love drinking. If you ever visit the country, drinking will be almost unavoidable, especially if you go there on business. If you pass the bottle when someone holds out their glass, fill your own glass, or refuse a drink handed to you, the person(s) you're interacting with will inform you about the cultural norms. Ignore them and you risk rejection.
* Then again, if you never visit Korea, their cultural norms are irrelevant and you don't have to worry about rejection.
* Changing the focus: if the possibility of being rejected scares you that much, don't visit Korea. If you have to, find out every possible detail about the culture to minimize the risk - including why collectivism is so important, how capitalism shaped the country over the past several decades, and why they're so obsessed with StarCraft.

 

[loving]

Apparently, nothing did.
You realize you have a problem but nothing past that. The constant questioning over trivial details isn't getting you anywhere.
What good will result from having these answers, better-informed decisions? There won't be any decisions until you stop overloading on information (attention is a limited-capacity process). Regain some sense of tranquility? That's what makes it a defense mechanism.

We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable. ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn
I like this quote!

CapedCrusader, I think you will visit this thread again sometime soon and I must say setting your goals is not all you need to do.. Taking in specific lessons as you seek is necessary too with your new-found consciousness.

That is to say, and importantly so, from this point on. Do not decide to think about the past, because then you are only setting yourself up for more of it. Sure it is all important, but what is more important is what is ahead for the future. There is so much material out there and to limit yourself only to your past - well I have never seen a greater epitome of the word futile.

Instead notice when the past comes up - not why it did or how so or any of these 5 W questions that if I recall correctly I haven't even studied about since elementary - and use your brilliant hindsight to automatically choose the best response a.k.a. "what I should have done," and use that as a starting point for a new pathway of thought.

I am here with you on this journey, realize that! Kindred is the word I believe used to express the bond between all humans. Expression, this is how they find those who can see it in themselves too. As is true for everything. See the best in you in everyone. I did this assuming you were not you - you were not. You were your problems like everyone who has problems is, because that is what a problem is. Make yourself your solution and as long as you are you it will never be taken from you.

Dis-identification is not the removal of personality of self, rather the removal of what is not true, the rest being inherent and innate, shining through.

I have never heard the following question asked by or of anyone in my entire life, nor do I know the answer: How did it feel when you were a child?

My mind can only tell as far as isolated incidents. The truth is I had no idea how me feeling as a child was, and in fact, no idea how I will feel in the future. I know one thing and that is everything is dictated by my feelings. I can only feel now. There is no time like the present to feel and do because the present is the only time we have control over.

Fixation on the past is suffering and fixation on the future can be positive and negative. Positive only in the sense of looking towards a desired outcome and planning actions towards it. Even this has a negative possibility, as people with "small" perceptions of consciousness will only focus on, invariably, those "small" perceptions. I.e. What should I say?

Those of you studying outer game might ask me what I think about. Well, outer game being the very first thing I studied when I joined the community, I can tell you I took absolutely 2 lines from that, and I can't even recall what they were. What outer game should teach you is an inherent sense of social dynamics. I give massive credit to Mystery - the man has spawned possibly the two largest pickup franchises in the world - something must be right.

The problem lies in the misinterpretation of his material as "routines." Those who memorize routines are focusing on the literal interpretation. To those I ask you how did it feel when you were watching listening or reading to him?

Awareness of feelings is the most basic awareness. It is our most primal awareness, and it is still here, thus it is obviously our most useful.

"In front of the almighty god, we are all the same" - Bob Sinclar - "Love Generation"

There are those that have reached enlightenment. We are all the same thing, why haven't you today?

The power is out there.

One love,
loving

 

[DonJuan11]

Is it?

If I remember correctly, it was scientifically reported that single men tended to die earlier, or something along those lines.

So can people who were born into have poor families. Yet these people work their ass off and become successful. They don't go to jobs and complain why they haven't hit the lottery or why they don't look like Brad.

Long-term male virgins were reported as being extremely vulnerable to depression and likewise, more prone to sickness and earlier death.

No girl is going to be your gf because they want you to live longer. No girl is going to be your gf because they feel sorry for you. No girl is going to become your gf because you are a male virgin. Your mentally is all "me, me, me". What can a girl give me? What can a girl do to make me happy? If you are this selfish before you even get a gf, what are you going to do when you actually have one? It seems you are confused about the order of things.

No, women are not "necessary" to live one's life, but I'd say they are an extremely strong "want" that does indeed come very very close to being a "need".

Me? I've lived 27 years of my life without a single girl in my life. If anyone's managed to adjust living life without having to "need" a woman, it's me. The same way someone who's been born without legs has adjusted to living without legs. That hasn't helped at all in getting a girl though.

It seems you are very bitter, confused and angry. If you that concerned about your biological purpose, you should go knock up a prostitute. She'll be your friend and keep you company, and maybe even carry your genes to the next generation.

You have not given us one reason a woman why a women should be with you other than you want them to, and that type of power is reserved for dictators and Presidents.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

Hmm,well,isn't the point to carry on the genes with you're offspring? Tell me,do I come off as selfish? See,that's one of the contradictions I find on this site,you say ask yourself,what can she do for me,I need to qualify her etc,the opposite of that is you need to give,but in doing so,run the risk of getting used and walked all over by people,which is a turn off to her. I mean,once you get her,what do you do? This is my dilemma. I mean, you talk about dictators and presidents, so if you are not,what's that mean? No wife,future,family for you?

I mean,I realize those who aren't on high status power level either need to work harder or have they're looks to go by right?

 

[CapedCrusader08]

Why can I not give up the past? I don't know,cause I still feel like I am the same I was 5,6 years ago and everything has seemed so uneventful to me. I mean, everything has felt so stagnant,I mean,I am starting to worry that I may be losing sense of reality in some ways, as in everyone else is so better than me and so ahead,and I am this clueless guy,esp when it comes to women. You say women are illogical? ok,so how do I make that work for me? I mean,my game,if any,feels little to none,oh sure, I can see a chick and say I want her,but getting her as always seemingly been the problem,perhaps I feel unatractive,or lesser perhaps. I mean,this is all becoming obsessive stuff for me,as well as other things Ill visit the same websites,read the same thing over and over,always in this trap. Idk,maybe I need cognitive therapy. I am worried about possibly how much watching porno over the years has affected me over the years,as in regards to sex drive,I just can't stop,it's a habit,and is affecting me.

 

[loving]

Hmm,well,isn't the point to carry on the genes with you're offspring? Tell me,do I come off as selfish? See,that's one of the contradictions I find on this site,you say ask yourself,what can she do for me,I need to qualify her etc,the opposite of that is you need to give,but in doing so,run the risk of getting used and walked all over by people,which is a turn off to her. I mean,once you get her,what do you do? This is my dilemma. I mean, you talk about dictators and presidents, so if you are not,what's that mean? No wife,future,family for you?

I mean,I realize those who aren't on high status power level either need to work harder or have they're looks to go by right?

Here's your answers,
1. Thats your choice if you wanna have kids or not. you're getting way too ahead of yourself, who says that girls are gonna even let you impregnate them? Why worry? If you think its not their choice than thats rape not pickup, youre on the wrong forums.

2. "Giving" is not the same as "giving uncontrollably with no ability to decline another's request of you". Obviously. Make this distinction.

3. Girl's aren't something you "Get," girls are something you "experience" together with them. There truly is no border, it is all an experience and let me ask you how do you plan to "get" her? By doing more of what you're confused about and think you can't do after? By your very definition once you "have her" shouldn't it be less work? Look at your own behavior for insight into your negative and mistaken beliefs. Ask yourself all these questions and question your motives and attitudes if they are not working.

4. "I mean, you talk about dictators and presidents, so if you are not,what's that mean? No wife,future,family for you? " Honestly this I found just stupid. What are you asking us for? Do you think that only politicians are getting laid? Is your goal finding a girl to be your wife or just having as much fun as possible? You can't go eating a cake you don't have yet. You're just putting too much value in every girl if you consider them all wife quality. You gotta get to know them and things will go from there... So talk to them on the basis of what you want in your life. Want a **** buddy? Be romantic and stimulate that in them. See a whole package you like? Entice them that way. Girls just react, to us.

I've been told I'm a good looking guy and that brings a lot of attention my way. this is good because I naturally get to play and experiment with no pressure and bring my findings to everyone's table without worry - and thats an attitude, it wasnt always like that and its definitely not only for those of us with "good genes" as "they apply" to physical appearance. One of the biggest results I've gotten is women always react to how you are feeling.

Are these really your problems too or are you projecting something?

Make sure the answers to the questions you ask will actually get you somewhere or you are just wasting everyone's time. If you want to discuss the philosophy of women great but can't you see you're wearing us thin? I think you need to take a step beyond and go learn some things for yourself.

There's two ways to do this, both equally good. Either go out in the field and have some fun or stay home and read/watch/listen to pickup material. Personally I know both are useful and good in moderation.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

First off,I am not talking about rape ok. I am talking about how much things have changed in society and back in the day,things were expected of you,rules were followed,and you had a better shot at starting a family. Then women forgot they're place and have been given an upper hand,something alot of men don't like. Deal with it.

I can give,I can say no. But it seems the messages on here are mixed. I mean,it's sometimes like say one thing and do another on here.

Well,my own attitudes and beliefs have been the problem. It get's to the point were I get angry at something,and blame it all on that one thing or thing(s). Well,how does one experience it all with girls? I mean,I am on this site for many reasons,some most already figured out,some such as myself still have yet too. How do I get her? That's the question I have been asking myself,a few years ago,I resorted to meeting women online,it worked. Met one,slept with her,and did everything wrong. Clingyness,putting self down,saying dumb things,etc. It was bad. I did learn alot from that though,but I still feel the same with women. Whether it's meeting and dating them,or getting them to sleep with me. When you get her,shouldn't it be less work? idk,but from what I have seen and heard,it's been the opposite.

No,I don't think it's just politicians,dictators etc getting laid/women,but the whole power thing,it's appealing to women right? I want to find a wife,get married,and start a family. I don't know why,but I feel alot of pressure about alot of these things. Hmm,for getting a girl,whether it be for romantic reasons,or for an f-buddy,doing all that stuff seems to contradict alot of the advice given on here,not that I blindly follow it,but again,another contradiction I have noticed on here. I mean,getting out and talking to them has been the problem for me,it seems like they are only attracted to the whole package,not some guy who still lives at home,works a part time job and goes to a community college and is struggling educationally. I mean,maybe I am still in high school mode,so it could be a maturity thing perhaps.

Yeah.These are really my problems. Plus this sense of emptiness and loneliness,something I hoped would be cured by finding someone,but even then,they weren't. I have some deep rooted issues. Over things that would probably be seen as dumb by some,but have affected me. I am trying to find a way to both in moderation,but with my lifestyle/schedule as is,I find it hard to even go out at times.

In all honesty,what I am worried about,is my inexperience,and how much I will be judged on it,it seems today,that you are expected to be on top of everything,otherwise,you don't have a shot. So that means you gotta have that thing that draws chicks in. Sports,music,cars,high paying job etc. And I am currently,just a regular guy. Plus,I am not one to keep with the joneses,so current trends in anything I really don't care about. I like what I like and don't like someone telling me what to like,or snootily,condescendingly looking down at me. Know What I mean? And when it comes to sex and women,it seems the more you have had,the more women you get. This has bothered me since I was like 16,17.

 

[orly]

No girl is going to be your gf because they want you to live longer. No girl is going to be your gf because they feel sorry for you. No girl is going to become your gf because you are a male virgin. Your mentally is all "me, me, me". What can a girl give me? What can a girl do to make me happy? If you are this selfish before you even get a gf, what are you going to do when you actually have one? It seems you are confused about the order of things.

That sounds like the very antithesis of what this forum and other "pickup" boards espouse.

But for what it's worth, no, I am not selfish. I'm actually afraid that I am/will be too unselfish with a girlfriend. AKA, put her on a pedestal.

It seems you are very bitter, confused and angry. If you that concerned about your biological purpose, you should go knock up a prostitute. She'll be your friend and keep you company, and maybe even carry your genes to the next generation.

Sex is the last thing on my mind, otherwise yes, maybe I would have already visited hookers. I would not mind a girlfriend who is chooses total abstinence until marriage (which funnily enough, I see a lot of guys here complain about).

You have not given us one reason a woman why a women should be with you other than you want them to, and that type of power is reserved for dictators and Presidents.

What reason do I need? Because I'm a guy? Because I'm a great guy (though apparently the womenfolk think otherwise)? Because I think I'd be a great boyfriend, far better than many of the other guys I see out there (again though, apparently the womenfolk think otherwise)?

I don't think any women owe me anything. However, I do think statistics do. No matter how screwed up I may be, you'd think statistically I'd have had a girl interested in me at some point or another during my life, even if the interest wasn't mutual. That this is a "numbers game" is something often brought up in this community, is it not? Well, it's a numbers game that I've reliably been on the losing end of no matter what I do.

EDIT: Case in point: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=153070

You'd think if THIS guy can have a girl attracted to him, I would too? Sure, maybe his weight is his only problem, but that's one helluva only problem.

Also, place yourself in my situation. If you can that is - because honestly I think I am a very extreme statistical outlier. Even other male virgins - including those older than me - can at least claim to have had girlfriends, or a kiss, or at the very least, female interest in some way, shape, or form. I've had none of that. Then ask yourself - would you honestly not be not even a little jaded?

It's like war. We glorify it in movies and video games. We laugh and go "OWNED!" when we blow someone's head off in a game. But to someone who's actually been in a real battlefield, I'm sure those things aren't as trivial or comical or "cool".

Or take my native country. To outsiders, we're pretty culturally jaded, and fiercely nationalistic to the point of irrationality sometimes. However, if you look at our history, we've been invaded, conquered, occupied, manipulated, and otherwise toyed around by foreign powers throughout the centuries. You might go "HA HA, look at those stupid people!", but you probably wouldn't understand - even if the reason is in fact, stupid.

girls are something you "experience" together with them

It takes two to tango. What if no girl ever wants to "experience" something with you?

 

[DonJuan11]

That sounds like the very antithesis of what this forum and other "pickup" boards espouse.

That's because you are not understanding the point and repeating your story over and over and over and over again. The "pickup" boards are about improving your quality of life, improving your standard of living, improving how you feel about yourself so eventually you can get a gf and build a relationship with her. They are not about banging a different girl every night and trying to trick her into sleeping with you.

But for what it's worth, no, I am not selfish. I'm actually afraid that I am/will be too unselfish with a girlfriend. AKA, put her on a pedestal.

You are so concerned about not having a girlfriend that you think its the end all and be all that you are missing the point again. If you are were not selfish, you would be thinking, "how can improve this girls life so when she's with me, she leaves happy, she leaves with a smile on her face, what can I do to improve this girl's life, what can I teach her so she feels better about herself?" instead of "why can't I get a girlfriend at age 27 or get laid?" or "How can this girl feed my ego?" "Why do all girls hate me?" That is the definition of selfish.

What reason do I need? Because I'm a guy? Because I'm a great guy (though apparently the womenfolk think otherwise)? Because I think I'd be a great boyfriend, far better than many of the other guys I see out there (again though, apparently the womenfolk think otherwise)?

Your problem is so transparent its not even funny. Read your paragraph again. It reads: Why isn't she choosing me? I'm better looking than him, I'm richer than him, I'm more muscular than him, I'm nicer than him. Again, its all about you, what you feel, what you think. Girls don't care about how you feel, girls care about you make them feel. It's going to take us 5 years before you understand this. If you want to make girls you're therapist, you're doing a good job.


It takes two to tango. What if no girl ever wants to "experience" something with you?

If the pity card works for you and it makes you feel better, keep playing it.

 

[CapedCrusader08]

Hmm,I get what you are saying in the last post. You have to make her happy,but isn't that her being selfish? I have been the guy that get's on people's nerves,that they don't want to be around,and it sucks. I don't know whether to blame them or me.

I too am and have been worried about not having a girlfreind,yes it's felt like the be all end all,but how do you get over that,esp when feeling so behind in that area everyone else seems to be so up to speed with? It's not about banging a different girl every night? then what about the guys that do that? I mean,I realize it's all about options and all that.

 

[loving]

i give up sry

 

[mfd1830]

The problem isn't girls, it's you. You obviously need therapy, but before you spend all that money, you should know that the end goal of therapy is to realize that you are in complete control of yourself and have the tools to fix your own problems. So if you're not open to that concept here, where it's free and you have like-minded people doing the same, then therapy won't help you.

You need to gain control of your emotions. Stop watching porn and masterbating. Take it one day at a time and soon you should see how you have control over your urges. Take control of your body and your negative thoughts; turn every negative thought into a positive one. Refuse to allow negative thoughts a place in your mind. Everything negative you feel now is learned from a lifetime of bad experiences; it can be un-learned and reversed with alot of hard work and dedication.

 

[orly]

That's because you are not understanding the point and repeating your story over and over and over and over again. The "pickup" boards are about improving your quality of life, improving your standard of living, improving how you feel about yourself so eventually you can get a gf and build a relationship with her. They are not about banging a different girl every night and trying to trick her into sleeping with you.

I'm repeating my story over and over, because it doesn't seem like people are getting the fact that I've tried a lot of the tricks in the book and none of them have worked.

I've tried the confident angle. I've tried the passive angle. I've tried the pursuit angle. I've tried the aloof "I don't care" angle. I've been the AFC, I've been the aggressive badass who doesn't care about what others think. I've tried thinking positive at any cost angle. I've tried the depressive emo angle (which I'll admit I'm once again at).

I've tried focusing on my hobbies and interests. I've tried focusing on my career and ambitions. I've tried working out, losing weight, gaining muscle. All of which I'm still doing BTW.

I've tried "not looking" and letting "love find me". I've tried taking things into my own hands and approaching left and right.

I've long since stopped masturbating or looking at porn. I'm religious, and I had hoped that doing this would rack up some karma points with God and maybe he'll throw me some scraps. Apparently not. And yes, I've done the whole prayer routine too.

So I ask you, WTF do I do from this point?

You are so concerned about not having a girlfriend that you think its the end all and be all that you are missing the point again. If you are were not selfish, you would be thinking, "how can improve this girls life so when she's with me, she leaves happy, she leaves with a smile on her face, what can I do to improve this girl's life, what can I teach her so she feels better about herself?" instead of "why can't I get a girlfriend at age 27 or get laid?" or "How can this girl feed my ego?" "Why do all girls hate me?" That is the definition of selfish.

Again, then what do I make of those threads I see often here that go along the lines of "Live only for yourself/you owe girls NOTHING!!!", which usually are followed by replies going "YOU DA MAN!" "PREACH IT BROTHER!" and so forth?

And for your information, questions like:

"how can improve this girls life so when she's with me, she leaves happy, she leaves with a smile on her face, what can I do to improve this girl's life, what can I teach her so she feels better about herself?"

do in fact cross my mind every time I become interested in a girl. Of course, I never get the opportunity to act upon any of them.

Your problem is so transparent its not even funny. Read your paragraph again. It reads: Why isn't she choosing me? I'm better looking than him, I'm richer than him, I'm more muscular than him, I'm nicer than him. Again, its all about you, what you feel, what you think. Girls don't care about how you feel, girls care about you make them feel. It's going to take us 5 years before you understand this. If you want to make girls you're therapist, you're doing a good job.

So why can't I make them feel good when every other guy apparently can? What is so profoundly wrong with my psyche that no girl - not even girls who are so royally messed up - find me attractive?

I really have two main questions though:

1. What do I do from this point forward? Like I said, I've tried nearly everything. I don't want to give up, but I am at a loss for ideas.

2. No has yet answered my question as to why I am such a statistical outlier. It's a numbers game right? And even totally screwed up guys can get girls right? So no matter how screwed up I am, why can't I?