The Ultimate Red Flag List

[decades]

If you think she is the kind of girl that had a lot of abortions, and you have to ask "how many". That's a Red Flag. :kick: Mine avoided answering that and instead told me she had a child after graduating from high school, but gave it up. I never did get that questioned answered.:nono:

 

[jophil28]

The type that there is not much hope for to change is the borderlines and the histrionics.

.

AND don't forget the Narcissistic wenches. These NPD women (sic) are not merely vain and selfish, they are cold ,ruthless, users and abusers who will essentially live an adult life as a legal ,glorified prostitute.
These are the 50 year old goldiggers and the 'trophies' who are still looking "blond and beautiful" in the passenger seat of that Mercedes convertible. These women will run out when the money does.
These are the leeches and the chameleons.

A dangerous sub-species

 

[jophil28]

Yup I tried that, but didn't know about her distant / absent father before we got togther.

I didn't understand why when I was cold & distant to her she liked me more than when I was warm & affectionate. It made so much sense to me after I found out about her distant / absent father.

One day she's gonna be a single mommie just like her mommie was, and she'll never know why...

Yep, these women have NO CLUE how to BE an adult in an adult relationship.
They play mind-games and flirt games to endlessly "test" you - just like high school chicks. IT is as if there is a huge part of their personality that is stuck back in their early adolescence.
The problem is that they have the looks, the hormones and the desires of a grown woman. No wonder they cause so much damage.

 

[lookyoung]

Some good points on this thread. My ultimate redflag list would be. (These are not deal breakers)

1. Has been raped.
2. Has breast implants.
3. Has a child. (especially if she was never married)
4. Former drug user.
5. Clubber.
6. Has a bunch of guy friends.
7. Works or used to work as a bartender.
8. No education.
9. On antidepressants.
10. Has been abused physically by men.
11. Never knew her father.

I am sure there are plenty more but this is the list I came up with for now.

 

[*mattster]

The ULTIMATE warning sign of a bad candidate for an LTR-

She had an alcoholic, abusive, distant, cheating, addicted or absent father .
Women with this history have no healthy model to work from.
Sign up with her at your peril..

had that once... that was by far the most screwed up ***** i have ever met. lived with her mother until she was 24, it's kind of like she took on the role of the man of the house, bossed her mother around and was SOOO disrespectful to everyone it was amazing... everything was a red flag with her, except the daddy-issues sex which was... ummm... well you know
she at one point tried to turn me against my parents (who are two incredibly cool people, even were towards her - guess she might have resented me for having them, i don't know, different "family" values in the end probably)
i stayed in that one way to long... if i only knew then what i know now...

oh yeah... other red flags...
- dog sleeps in her bed (thats really fu<ked up... nearly impossible to have sex at her place)
- disrespectful to people working service jobs (bank tellers, waiters, ...)
- bad with money (cant save a penny to save her life - imagine how she'll be spending yours)

*m out

 

[MR_PERFECT]

I'm not sure I get what you mean by the first one. Certainly a spouse should have stronger romantic love for their partner than they do for their child (ick!)...

But, if it came down to it and my future wife had to either allow me to die or allow our child to die, she should let me die. Anything else would be bad parenting. And yes, I'd do the same to her.

As for self-destructive behavior. Hell yeah, stay away from those kind.

Here's the correct answer to this question: You and your child are both hanging from a cliff. Your wife, the love of your life, only has time to save one of you, which one does she save? The correct answer from your point of view is the child, but your wife should want to save you over the child. You should always be the most important person in her life, no matter what! A woman that values her child over you is a woman that married you to get the child and the status.

 

[jophil28]

You should always be the most important person in her life, no matter what! A woman that values her child over you is a woman that married you to get the child and the status.

Correctomundo - give the Perfect guy a cigar.

 

[Latinoman]

I don't know if there is such a thing as the RED FLAG list on this site, but I think we should have a list of things to avoid when dealing with women we want to have relationships with. I have a friend that says a woman that is into you will make you wait for sex, when she would have a one night stand with a guy she doesn't like as much. I disagree, I think a woman that will have a one night stand with one guy or more, but made you wait, will cheat because there are guys that excited her more than you did, initially. As the relationship gets into a comfortable phase, she will come across one of these guys and think they're exciting.

Red Flags:

- Has slept with other guys faster than she slept with me. I had to grow on her.

- Makes innocent eye contact with another guy for a beat too long.

- Has a child. I'll never be first in her life.

- Broken home, or abusive home. Parents had a perverse relationship, like not having sex for 20 years.

- Has a strong attraction for women. Not a curiosity, but a strong attraction. Trust me, when your woman cheats with a woman, it'll hurt the same, if you love her.

- Promiscuous. A promiscuous woman doesn't place any value on sex and will cheat sooner or later.

I actually agree with you 100% (generally speaking of course).

 

[decades]

Some good points on this thread. My ultimate redflag list would be. (These are not deal breakers)

1. Has been raped.
2. Has breast implants.
3. Has a child. (especially if she was never married)
4. Former drug user.
5. Clubber.
6. Has a bunch of guy friends.
7. Works or used to work as a bartender.
8. No education.
9. On antidepressants.
10. Has been abused physically by men.
11. Never knew her father.

I am sure there are plenty more but this is the list I came up with for now.

Nice list!

1. Has been raped.
true. Ask if they reported it. I bet she didn't.
2. Has breast implants.
yep for sure. Insecurity. And Never ever buy a woman implants..
3. Has a child. (especially if she was never married)
Not necessarily. It depends. Out of wedlock, for sure it's a red flag.
4. Former drug user.
or current. actually any substance abuse. watch out for periods of sobriety followed by an incident of binging. Watch if this cycle repeats. It's trouble.
5. Clubber.
yep. beware of women who don't want to let go of "being single". they aren't ready to commit, despite what they tell you.
6. Has a bunch of guy friends.
true. I would also emphasize One or two special guy friends that they invariably run to at the first sign of relationship trouble.
7. Works or used to work as a bartender.
yep. the profession is a breeding ground for histrionics..
8. No education.
goes without saying. but a good education does not guarantee a high Emotional IQ.
9. On antidepressants.
True. It could be the tip of the ICEBERG. Take note if they also say they have some kind of "anxiety disorder". That's code language for somethings a bit "off".
10. Has been abused physically by men.
Yes but also beware of the woman who likes it "rough" or fantasises about sex with anonymous strangers. It may seem exciting but it will come back to bite you.
11. Never knew her father.
Major. This is probably the root cause of their issues, along with a troubled mother.

 

[maranathaman]

I define Yellow Flags as "Proceed with Caution"
(Keep a watchful eye on this situation to see if it gets worse). Yellow Flags to me are: Mostly Guy Friends,
unemployed, is on meds, has symptoms of eating or other disorders...

I define Red Flags as "STOP"!
My Red Flags are: Cheating with other guy(s)
Curent Drug or Alcohol Abuse, Disrespect,
criminal activity, has kid(s) unless she's SUPER HOT!

 

[Sinistar]

The type that there is not much hope for to change is the borderlines and the histrionics.

A girl that developes Histrionic or Borderline personality disorder was raised by her mother without enough empathy, caring and appropriate attention when that girl was still a baby which then in turn causes the baby to become traumatized and damaged for life as the trauma then gives them one or the other or both of these disorders. They spend the rest of their lives acting towards men how their mothers acted towards them as babies.

Loving one minute, cold the next and then utter disinterest which causes so many victims to chase after these types much like they themselves chased their mothers attention and love as children only to ultimately get it when they did the most outrageous things for her amusement.

...You have great insight on this topic dude!!! Although I can never be positive, I am quite sure I ran into one of these myself. They are the ultimate mind fvkc + emotional vampire somehow wrapped up into the same individual.

We all discuss the father's role in the daugher's development, but their mothers have such great potential to wreak havoc. In the case I speak of I knew the woman's grandmother was a wicked alcoholic. My guess is that her mother in-turn raised this woman in the way you describe above (although I never met her to confirm it). And every time this chick got herself into trouble it was always the guys fault for not taking care of her and *doing the right thing* especially when there was alcohol involved (and there always seemed to be).

These types are the ultimate mind fvck because when you meet them it's as if they are exactly who you want them to be. And they typically need rescuing/saving so when she crosses paths with the AFC (with this mentality) it's like the match was made in he11. Then as soon as the guy reveals his feelings (most likely first, AFC) that mirror stops reflecting and you see what's really behind it.

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent, easy going guy. However, had I known then what I know now I would have given her a much different ending. These types are crushed by receiving their own treatment. I wish I would have just started dating someone else and never revealed my feelings. Then eventually, almost as if on a whim tell her i found someone better and then vanish. They are programmed to do this. They are not programmed to receive it. Ironically, it is probably only experiences extreme as this that might lead them towards help because I swear 101% of them will deny it.

A great way to dig a bit deeper early on. Ask them the last time they got together as a family and what they did together. Believe me, it won't take long and you'll start hearing "my brother doesn't talk to my mom any more", or "I haven't visited my mom in years", etc, etc, etc. Some covert digging into the family will not sit well with them. With a decent woman who has a decent family she won't be able to wait to have you meet them and do things together.

There is one positive outcome to this though. Experiencing this is stressfull enough for a guy that during the sh!tty part afterwards, his receiver is open to DJ programming - the AW'ish wackjobs are like subprograms in the matrix who's purpose is to destroy AFC's with the unexpected side-effect of unplugging a few along the way.

 

[Desdinova]

I don't know if there is such a thing as the RED FLAG list on this site, but I think we should have a list of things to avoid when dealing with women we want to have relationships with.

Right here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30558

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Right here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30558

Wow!

 

[Colossus]

...You have great insight on this topic dude!!! Although I can never be positive, I am quite sure I ran into one of these myself. They are the ultimate mind fvkc + emotional vampire somehow wrapped up into the same individual.

We all discuss the father's role in the daugher's development, but their mothers have such great potential to wreak havoc. In the case I speak of I knew the woman's grandmother was a wicked alcoholic. My guess is that her mother in-turn raised this woman in the way you describe above (although I never met her to confirm it). And every time this chick got herself into trouble it was always the guys fault for not taking care of her and *doing the right thing* especially when there was alcohol involved (and there always seemed to be).

These types are the ultimate mind fvck because when you meet them it's as if they are exactly who you want them to be. And they typically need rescuing/saving so when she crosses paths with the AFC (with this mentality) it's like the match was made in he11. Then as soon as the guy reveals his feelings (most likely first, AFC) that mirror stops reflecting and you see what's really behind it.

I like to think of myself as a pretty decent, easy going guy. However, had I known then what I know now I would have given her a much different ending. These types are crushed by receiving their own treatment. I wish I would have just started dating someone else and never revealed my feelings. Then eventually, almost as if on a whim tell her i found someone better and then vanish. They are programmed to do this. They are not programmed to receive it. Ironically, it is probably only experiences extreme as this that might lead them towards help because I swear 101% of them will deny it.

A great way to dig a bit deeper early on. Ask them the last time they got together as a family and what they did together. Believe me, it won't take long and you'll start hearing "my brother doesn't talk to my mom any more", or "I haven't visited my mom in years", etc, etc, etc. Some covert digging into the family will not sit well with them. With a decent woman who has a decent family she won't be able to wait to have you meet them and do things together.

There is one positive outcome to this though. Experiencing this is stressfull enough for a guy that during the sh!tty part afterwards, his receiver is open to DJ programming - the AW'ish wackjobs are like subprograms in the matrix who's purpose is to destroy AFC's with the unexpected side-effect of unplugging a few along the way.

Excellent insights guys.

As I was reading your post it really struck a chord with me. I recently came out of a relationship with a girl who is very much like what you described above...so much becomes clear when the storm blows over.

I was with her for 2 years and our relationship was consistently tumultuous. She had MAJOR family issues from day one, which I was too AFC to acknowledge at first, and too emotionally wrapped up in her after that to leave her. But, even as an AFC, i realized that there were HUGE red flags in her family life. Her mother was extremely passive-aggressive, and they would fight almost daily when she was home. Often they would go weeks without speaking to each other...in the same house!! Her dad seemed to be a good man, but he never spoke. He was good to his daughters, but had no active role in helping anything, he just stayed quiet and did his thing. One of her sisters was a certifiable bipolar/alcoholic, and they hung out all the time. The others were either moved out or constantly at odds with their mom.
In retrospect i have noticed that when she did hang out with her psycho sister on a daily basis, our relationship went to sh!t...she got this flippant b!tchy attitude with me and we would fight about ridiculous issues.
She also had an abusive past with an ex-bf, which played a huge role in our dysfunctionality as well.

But far and away the most impossible hurdle to overcome was her family. I was with her for 2 years and was NEVER invited to come home w/ her to meet her family. I met a few of her sisters casually, and her dad once when he dropped her off...but in two years i went to her parents house ONCE, and that was when they werent home. I would often ask her about it, and she usually told me that she didnt want me to meet them, for vague reasons. Also, her family had TERRIBLE communication skills, which she assimilated and carried into our relationship.

Not to say that every minute with her was hell, because it wasnt. When she lived up here at school, our relationship was 10x better. But every time she made that weekend trip home, she would come back with a load of baggage and a chip on her shoulder. It usually took us few days to get back to 'normal'.

There were other issues too, but looking back i think this was the crux of why it was such a difficult relationship.

If you do become aware of red flags, i have learned it is ALWAYS better to jump ship than to 'wait and see' if its really a concern.

We have been split for a few weeks now, and somewhere along the line I took that red pill. Even though i still miss her and have roiling emotions at times, i cant help but see things now for what they really were, and are. I had all of this DJ knowledge while we were together, but i wasnt a self sufficient MAN; i never made that internal transition to manhood.

Deep down, I think i looked to her for validation as a man, to a degree, and that's part of my own piece that i have to own. My father actually pointed this out to me, and i knew he was right.

More is revealed every day. Good thread.

 

[Latinoman]

Here's the correct answer to this question: You and your child are both hanging from a cliff. Your wife, the love of your life, only has time to save one of you, which one does she save? The correct answer from your point of view is the child, but your wife should want to save you over the child. You should always be the most important person in her life, no matter what! A woman that values her child over you is a woman that married you to get the child and the status.

I agree with ALL your list...but I STRONGLY disagree with this quote.

A woman (or man) should always put ahead a SMALL child over their partner. However, the partner should slowly start becoming the priority to the point that when a child is a teenager...that partner is ALMOST at even terms and when the child becomes an adult the partner (e.g. spouse) takes the number 1 role.

 

[Latinoman]

Nice list!

1. Has been raped.
true. Ask if they reported it. I bet she didn't.
2. Has breast implants.
yep for sure. Insecurity. And Never ever buy a woman implants..
3. Has a child. (especially if she was never married)
Not necessarily. It depends. Out of wedlock, for sure it's a red flag.
4. Former drug user.
or current. actually any substance abuse. watch out for periods of sobriety followed by an incident of binging. Watch if this cycle repeats. It's trouble.
5. Clubber.
yep. beware of women who don't want to let go of "being single". they aren't ready to commit, despite what they tell you.
6. Has a bunch of guy friends.
true. I would also emphasize One or two special guy friends that they invariably run to at the first sign of relationship trouble.
7. Works or used to work as a bartender.
yep. the profession is a breeding ground for histrionics..
8. No education.
goes without saying. but a good education does not guarantee a high Emotional IQ.
9. On antidepressants.
True. It could be the tip of the ICEBERG. Take note if they also say they have some kind of "anxiety disorder". That's code language for somethings a bit "off".
10. Has been abused physically by men.
Yes but also beware of the woman who likes it "rough" or fantasises about sex with anonymous strangers. It may seem exciting but it will come back to bite you.
11. Never knew her father.
Major. This is probably the root cause of their issues, along with a troubled mother.

Another great list and great analysis too.

Good job guys!

 

[MR_PERFECT]

I agree with ALL your list...but I STRONGLY disagree with this quote.

A woman (or man) should always put ahead a SMALL child over their partner. However, the partner should slowly start becoming the priority to the point that when a child is a teenager...that partner is ALMOST at even terms and when the child becomes an adult the partner (e.g. spouse) takes the number 1 role.

I completely disagree. A woman is not going to suddenly become closer to you because she feels her job is done with the kids. What will happen is she will put the children first, not out of obligation, but because she prefers them to you. When they are teenagers, guess what? She will still prefer them to you. By that time, your relationship will be disjointed and never get back on track. When they are adults, guess what happens? She calls the adult children. She confides in them. She wants to do things with them. At this point, you pay the bills and escort her somewhere if needed, that's all you'll be good for at that point.

 

[DjVelvet]

I'll list the opposite..

Green Flags

- Do not fall in love so easily, and once they fall in love slowly, they do for a long time.

- Always support the man from behind, not hindering his main role as a man, and respects him as a man.

- Gets jealous Occasionally Hey occasionally jealous is a good thing.

- Know how to say a FIRM NO to other guys.

- Do not look at other guys often.

- Respect your interest/hobbies (Unless bad habits)


I always believe a woman should always support the man, bringing out his FULL Potential.

That's what i call a quality woman.

 

[Latinoman]

I completely disagree. A woman is not going to suddenly become closer to you because she feels her job is done with the kids. What will happen is she will put the children first, not out of obligation, but because she prefers them to you. When they are teenagers, guess what? She will still prefer them to you. By that time, your relationship will be disjointed and never get back on track. When they are adults, guess what happens? She calls the adult children. She confides in them. She wants to do things with them. At this point, you pay the bills and escort her somewhere if needed, that's all you'll be good for at that point.

My point is:

Putting MINOR children ahead of anyone is what a healthy person does.
Putting spouse ahead of ADULT children is what a healthy person does.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I like to think of myself as a pretty decent, easy going guy. However, had I known then what I know now I would have given her a much different ending. These types are crushed by receiving their own treatment."

Yes, but not to the extent that normal women are hurt by the walk away method so brilliantly posted about in a topic by Str8up recently.

Borderlines will stalk a guy for months who walks away but this supposed "love" on their parts doesn't stop them from sleeping around, drinking like crazy and every other bad behaviour they did to cause the guy to walk away in the first place while they stalk him telling him proclamations of their undying love for him.

As for the histrionics their mourning process for a guy that walks away lasts roughly anywhere from 30 minutes, to a week or two weeks and then since their world is an ever changing daydream literally they get lost in a new one and forget the guy that walked away ever existed as their love interest.

For example I sought one out because I had not learned my lesson from my first horrible histrionic experience and got her to be my girlfriend right after a guy walked away from her. Do you know how long she told me that pain lasted? Only a week. She cried locked up inside her closet for a week and then was as happy as could be and she told me she couldn't give a damn about that guy now.

So yeah their emotions empathy and all that stuff is just extremely lacking and damaged. They have emotions and empathy certainly but not in the amounts needed to be a truly loving and caring human being.

"I wish I would have just started dating someone else and never revealed my feelings. Then eventually, almost as if on a whim tell her i found someone better and then vanish. They are programmed to do this. They are not programmed to receive it. Ironically, it is probably only experiences extreme as this that might lead them towards help because I swear 101% of them will deny it."

Well they unfortunately cannot be cured just helped a bit or a lot and there is no gurantee whatever help they get will last or even help them to stop hurting people.

The only help psych docs can give them is to stop hurting themselves when they themselves view the disorder as hurting them and preventing them from functioning on a daily basis.

Histrionics tend to be high functioning in society so will usually never see the inside of a therapist's office unless they get frustrated with how every relationship of theirs ultimately seems to fail.

Borderlines have a better chance these days because dialectical behavioural therapy seems to help them a great deal and the out of control nature of their disorder can at times scare them and when they are tired of being scared they may just seek out the treatment that can stop their pain.