not clinically retared, rather mentally disturbed ;-)
Presenting destini's "History Of Sexual Dynamics: 3 Parts" (from her website):
The events that led to the "unfolding" of Sexual Dynamics spanned a period of 18 years and fundamentally was always experienced in light of an intense spiritual awakening. I got "the Calling", basically. I had "The Vision".
It began in 1985 with a profound encounter with one I could only describe as a "mystery man". The experience itself is completely relative to this specific topic of "Seduction" and will be addressed elsewhere, but the purpose of the encounter was, in fact, to present me with a few little seeds, or keys, that would later sprout, or unlock, the enigma of compulsive human evolution, of which Sexual Dynamics is a useful, if not crucial, by-product.
At the time I wasn't even remotely on that page. I was a shallow, superficial, and clueless young woman as self absorbed in my life's perspective as any other 21 year old. I was not spiritual in any sense of the word, and while I was always fascinated by psychology and all the human sciences, majored in psych in college (note - I didn't go thru college. I dropped out and became a stripper instead), I had no clue that the encounter with the mystery man would serve to kick me headlong into a future unlike anything I could've possibly conjured up in my wildest fantasies - tho there have been plenty that to this day expect that is what happened.
In a way, they're right. But they're right in the wrong context. I did indeed "conjure" him up - this mystery man that I knew only as Crete, not intentionally, but unwittingly, and he delivered unto me a prophecy inside a set of strange, enigmatic instructions, and assured me we would meet again very soon. To argue the meeting itself was "imagination or dream" is moot - I was 'asleep' and this meeting took place astrally. At the time it happened, I didn't know what "astrally" even was but never, from that moment to this, have I known that experience to have been anything less than quite literal and quite real.
For this purpose, the point is that the Message was effectively delivered. The "mystery man" is - and always was - just as real as I am. Literally. From that moment the course of my life would be transformed. The road I thought I would be on for the rest of my life was over. The goals and ambitions I'd had for myself and my first son were stripped to the bone and I was plucked from my reality and handed the keys to something well beyond my mortal comprehension. My time of "deciding" was over. If ever there was a more perfect analogy, I was thrown into a deep dark pit to blindly face some shadowed, ominous Unknown entity directing this Game, and I was without anything but a set of instructions and an "agenda" of "execting Crete's return" - having to figure it out each step of the way. I was on my own. AND I was completely clueless. The ONLY thing keeping me in this was my own mortal anticipation of his return.
A return that I fully, cluelessly expected meant like, "next week or so".
The first week after the experience I understood how it was Crete had appeared. By the end of the first month I'd broken up with my boyfriend at the time in full anticipation of Crete's return so we could "be together". Ha. I only thought it'd be so simple. (Note, we got married 11 years later...) By the end of 6 months I was completely obsessed and overwhelmingly stumped. I'd followed the instructions...where is he? By the end of the first year, I'd finally begun to temper down, revert back into the previous "groove" of my life, which by then had all but disintegrated around me, both because of deep rooted depression to which I was oblivious, and because I was clinging to the "anticipation" of his return. By the middle of the 2nd year I had all but dropped it, assuming I was either wrong, or had misunderstood...but whatever it was about I had no idea and no way to find out either way. So, I let it go and got on with it.
At no time, however, did I dismiss any of it as my imagination, hallucination or otherwise. I knew, without a doubt, it was always very real. I literally had the experience. I just couldn't make heads nor tails of it. What else could I do?
"Things" had been happening to me all along but I never made the connection back to anything Crete had told me until years into the fullness of the experience. I was being prepared for something. What I didn't know then, but that I know now, was that I had encountered - face to face, the actual, genuine, literal manifestation of MY own Archetype Ideal in 1985, and what he gave me were the keys to Understanding the reason for his existence - as well as my own - and the fundamental threads of Life, itself.
He lifted the Veil between my Conscious and Unconscious being, and showed me the absolute structure of the manifestation of Life, in order to be able to manifest anything I wanted...but before I could manifest anything I wanted I would first be required to do the work...I'd have to go thru a horrendous extrication process and "find my way back" - all of which I took completely out of context - same as any 21 year old without a clue would do. Crete already knew and anticipated that I would do precisely that. With the delivery of the prophecy, he stepped back into the shadows from whence he came and decreed,
"Let the Journey begin..."
It all went completely over my head. The only thing I focused on was how brilliantly, compellingly, astoundingly, beautifully perfect he was, how much immediacy I felt in a profound and overwhelming love for him, the most perfect Male I'd ever encountered, an acute sexual Awakening unlike anything I had ever comprehended, and his promise that "soon we will be together." I was entirely entangled within the romance of the experience, the long wait for his return was no more and no less different than awaiting my mystery lover on the shores of a dark Sea, the Beacon of my Soul Mate flashing in time with my capacity to comprehend his existence at all...
Three years later, in 1988, I looked into the eyes of a stranger - someone absolutely the polar opposite of everything Crete was, and the moment I did, the prophecy he delivered began to manifest. It never dawned on me it was even related until a few months into the experiences, the Encounters with the stranger. Crete made several cryptic references to something I would experience with him at some undesignated point in my future, and to my astonishment, when they began to manifest for me directly related to the stranger, it was revealed to me the first reckonings of Crete's true identity. But I was still clueless... I got the pieces. I just didn't know what the hell to do with them. Such is the way for the "accidental warrior".
The story with the stranger spanned 6 years, to the exact day - February 28, 1988 to February 28, 1994. In that 6 years, from a spiritual stand point, I was completely stripped of who I was - down to the core nothingness and then rebuilt, restructured; I was given Life. Prior to that point I was being consumed by dangerous depression, suicidal up until 1987, when my one, and only attempt to co opt the farm, failed. I was already being shown, the Veil was already being lifted as of 1985 and the encounter with Crete, but I had no conscious awareness anything was connected. It never occured to me until years later that the suicide "failure" was an act of Divine Intervention.
"IT" didn't want my Death.
"IT" wanted my surrender.
I didn't die, but the depression remained. In fact, it only got worse because I saw that my fate must be to remain here in this agony...I wasn't even allowed to die. I wallowed in it for another couple months, until 2/28/88 and that supreme moment I looked into the eyes of the stranger. When this experience kicked off, with a series of the most bizarre telepathic encounters with him, I was so astounded and in such magnificent awe of the Lifting of the Veil for me, of the incomprehensible demonstration of Power behind the scenes visibly manipulating my entire reality, that I scarecly even remembered I was depressed. It was a process, a long one, but no doctors pulled me thru depression. This was pure Self recovery. The hard way.
The Encounters of 88-94 were an active, visible, blatant demonstration of the lifting of the Veil for the sole purpose of "making me consciously aware" of "ITS" existence, that led me, again unwittingly, down into the depths of pure human compulsion. I was being shown things by something outside myself, some external force that I could only perceive as the absolute Creator, God, or a direct agent thereof.
I didn't know what "IT" was but "IT" repeatedly and consistently made "ITS" presence known thru such jaw dropping manifestations, leaving me in a suspended state of "What The ****?!" that I just called it "IT" until "IT" decided to let me behind the curtain. After only 2 or 3 of these first astounding demonstrations, I didn't even need to argue about what "IT" was, I didn't need a "name". "IT" was validated by undeniable physical manifestation reality that left me hungry to Know and Understand.
And because of the nature of the manifestations, literally bombarded with them as a direct result of looking into the eyes of this individual, and for the next 6 years, all being outside my ordinary reality, being psychic, telepathic, paranormal - the only thing I possibly COULD think was that anything with this capability and innate unseen power must be what we assume is God, the Creator, the Giver of Life, The Source, the Great And Powerful Oz - whatever "name" we give "IT", "IT" was kicking my ass ALL over this creation. And that was plenty enough proof for me. "IT" proved "ITS" existence. "IT" had my attention.
Over those 6 years I learned a great deal about myself, about what makes me tick, about other people, about the entire nuance of attraction, compulsion, desire, Creation, Evolution, psychology, chemistry, biology - it was as tho I was being put through a "crash course" in Human Existence 101 directly by God.
I don't mean this symbolically. I mean this absolutely literally. The difference between me and a PhD in psychology or any other human science is that they went to class and read books. I was taken by the hand and shown this BY this literal force itself. Experientially. All the way.
I was suddenly able to recognize patterns in experiences, in nature, to understand the dynamics of synchronicity, the nuances, or dynamics in everything, every experience...but I had one burning question that would, not the least bit ironically, be the key that unlocked the vault to the Holy Grail...that one last piece of knowledge I sought...
You see, the stranger was my first Beacon. Crete predicted him. He predicted all of what happened to me in 1988 - 1994. He told me about the extrication process, he told me about having to be prepared for the realities he'd ultimately show me, he told me about Integration and about manifesting the Ideal Archetype, how to do this for myself, consciously, which would also, inevitably, be invaluable information for the world at large - to be able, literally - not symbolically, but literally manifest the in the flesh human mortal The One - actively, consciously, all these things I later came to experience with the Beacon, and still I focused only on the drawing of the Ideal. He said his return would follow my discovering who he is and finding my way back...and throughout all of these amazing manifestations, I was still absolutely conscious that my sole reason for even following these experiences was because they were leading me back to Crete. Otherwise, I really didn't understand OR care why I had the experiences. I was "in it" for the mystery man.
When was HE coming back? Who is HE really? Where is HE?
In all I had learned, I had enough knowledge at my fingertips to be able to manipulate anyone into anything. I understood a deeper, more complex reality that even a majority of psychologists don't know exists - not being pompous, but this cavern of knowledge isn't even taught in traditional psychology. I was, quite literally, being taken by the hand by some unseen force and led into the deepest reaches of the Core Nature. Using traditional models of psychology, and various others in various other sciences, including the spiritual science of the "God reality", I had the newfound ability to, and could, manipulate even the most intelligent into doing whatever I chose.
It soon became as second nature as playing chess. In fact, over the last 2 years of the Beacon encounters, I couldn't attribute the dynamics any other way. It's literally "playing chess" with people, based on a set of very comprehensive, but unbelievably simplistic variables that can be manipulated - literally manipulating forces of nature from within and without, including telepathy, into a full fledged physical manifestation reality.
And that is precisely what I, in my self indulgent human, mortal little ego set forth to do. By 1995 I had compulsion manipulation down to an art. Nothing was left up to chance. Every move I made was a calculated, deliberate, strategic offense...positioning people in my life precisely where I wanted them, manipulating scenarios so effortlessly that I became drunk on it. I had - absolutely literally - more power in my hands than I honestly believe anyone had ever obtained.
It became as simplistic as stepping back and observing someone, paying attention to a clearly structured, defined set of criteria and making a calculated determination on what he or she would do if put in X position, and my countermove, and their reactive move, and mine...etc. and playing out scenarios until I had inevitable victory - which always made room for inevitable "jokers" - those wild cards and wrenches that "unexpectedly" get tossed on the table and wreak havoc, it's all part of an overall, predictable, flux and when you KNOW exactly when these wrenches are designed to happen you're always in conscious control of everything. You ARE the Puppet Master.
And for the first time in my life...I was precisely that.
My first - and only - indulgence was the "seduction" of a married man. I didn't "seduce" him. After learning what I know, I understand that there is no such thing as "seduction"...it's ALWAYS a case of manipulating compulsion. I had that knowledge base...I had it for a reason and this I was about to do was NOT IT, but it nevertheless applied, so I decided to use it for my own selfish indulgent agenda. Mostly it was my first real time, hands on the wheel, driving without supervision shot at conscious human evolution (the benevolent polarity of compulsion manipulation) and I did it, piece a cake. It was second nature.
HE thought it was always just a case of he's unhappy, unfulfilled, shouldn't have got married, doesn't wanna **** up his ****, let's just slip a few off and be done with it, back to life as we knew it, little fling.
I knew from what I knew to look for that I represented to him his doorway to freedom and independence; he was married and miserable, he was entirely too young to have done it in the first place, and he felt trapped, his life was over, his wife was a "supplicating" little frump who shoved her head up his ass and basically they played out the father/daughter compensation issues. He was laid back, dutiful, reliable...what most of you call the "boring nice guy" with dreams of being free. Alive. Vibrant. Who he should've been.
With just that much information I had all I ever needed to compel him into doing whatever I wanted. I devised a role, much the way actors do, and determined his AI based on the above observation. The AI is always hungry for its day in the Sun. I "became" the one woman he could not control...I became for him his in the flesh AI. I was free, defiant, alive, independent, everything he wasn't, and fed it to him in calculated increments. He was playing chess only he didn't know it.
He lived his life by rules and schedules. I openly defied and broke every one he set up and dared him to get pissed off and walk away. I manipulated his lust - probably one of the most unconscienable things I've ever done - for no other reason than because I could. I had that much power over him and the entire experience. I fed him a fantasy of threesome (bait) and he hung himself on it. He was so out of control he actually talked his frigid, uptight, virginly wife into agreeing to a threesome, (which, of course surprised me - I truly didn't think he could pull it off) and I "met" her and did the same thing to her.
By description alone, the notion of a single, attractive woman seducing a "stuck" and unhappy married man into an affair is obviously no big feat. It happens constantly, I did nothing "unique" in and of itself. I could have just as easily accomplished this by simpler means. Having an affair with him, however, was never my "agenda". It had been the mechanics of the dynamic I was interested in wielding. I wanted to see how much power I had over another human being.
I didn't simply want to tease him into an affair, I wanted to go down into his psyche and manipulate his very core motivations, overtake his mind, and harness his compulsions myself. I wanted to be his puppet master from within. I wanted to create a deliberate dynamic chess game, with one pre-designed, pre-determined outcome and then control every possible factor to ensure that the outcome was precise and manifest. Exactly what I decreed every single step of the way...down to literal conversations. And I did it. Easily.
Then one day I got this phone call from his wife, who now, even tho she was completely threatened by me, was compelled to me the same as he was, and clung to me like a sister, crying her heart out about all that was wrong in their marriage, how many things she'd tried to turn his head, and that nothing worked...she was even actually conscious now of his unfathomnable desire for me, that he'd put me on some kind of pedistal that she just couldn't compete with. And the only thing left she could do was throw herself at the mercy of "the other woman". It made her literally sick to her stomach to even experience this, but she'd been compelled against all she knew was rational.
Just exactly as I'd planned for her to do. Not because of her husband, or an affair, or threesome. But simply because I could.
I began to "help" her, literally teach her the very things I was doing to her husband so she could "get him back". It was a bizarre Summer of Consequence and before it was said and done I began to realize these were real people. They weren't puppets for my amusement. I knew that he wasn't going to "put me down" without a direct threat to his ego or his security. His AI was being fed - he literally couldn't put it down. I knew it had gone too far for her to ever take back her power as a woman and "get her husband" back. Ever.
I don't mean, "back" in the sense he goes back to work on their marriage, I mean that as a direct result of this he was permanently changed, no longer in the same reality he was when he was "just the unhappy married guy doin his thing". That "husband" she knew was dead and never coming back. Their marriage was disintegrated permanently, regardless of the expected "let's work thru it" promises he'd inevitably make to keep from the inevitable consequences he faced with her directly as per their marriage. I'd shoved him into a whacked obsession I don't think even he quite understood. The pain I saw in this girl about broke my heart. I never anticipated it because I never thought it'd be an issue. This was always a chess game.
I was already ****ing him behind her back long before any threesome, and continued to afterward, in their house even...it got to the point where she was so cornered that she could only stand there and watch me openly, in front of everyone we both knew, tease and flirt with her husband in her face, touching him, taunting him, luring him, and basically doing **** that any other female probably would've kicked my ass for doing...but she was as compelled as he was.
I fed her AI the same way....as a "sister" a mentor, a teacher, a strong, competent woman making conscious choices, leading life instead of being led by it - everything she knew she wasn't and she clung to me in spite of her own husband's lust until I just snapped out of it and realized how extraordinarily ****ED UP this entire scene was across the board. I let it go far out of control, but I still had 2 very real people who were eaten alive within their emotional vacumes directly because of me, both oblivious as to why. Yeah, they both made conscious choices, they allowed it to happen, yeah they were receptive to the compulsions all along, but none of it would've ever happened had it not been because I engaged it. I never had to "go there".
I saw that neither one of them were gonna let go of it, they didn't know how, so I had to make a choice. She knew deep down I was ****ing him - same as they all know, but he never admitted to it outside the threesome - they never do. I promised him I'd never tell her unless she asked me directly.
She wouldn't have asked me directly even if she was taking her last breath because she didn't want to know. She knew...but she didn't want to KNOW. She wasn't prepared to face it, she was consumed by denial, guilt, anguish. Nevertheless, I made her know. I told her I was ****ing her husband and had been. This girl was so ****ed up by this **** she actually thanked me for telling her. I knew that deep down inside her somewhere, she despised me, but she still felt the influence of this manipulation...and forever remained humble, timid, compliant.
He, on the other hand, was devistated. He never saw it coming. I continued playing the game right up to the moment I took out the sword and sliced him in half with the same, familiar, defiant smile on my face. When, and only when I saw the extent of the emotional damage that little act had caused him, the acute reality of that kind of confusion and pain in his eyes, it just straight toppled me.
I assumed, wrongly, however, that the revised "ending" would be that they'd get pissed and tell me to **** off and I could exit that ****ed up scene being the sleazy *****. I was quite cool with that, so long as it was OVER with. We'd all get on with it. I'm the bad guy, no problem.
Never had I even remotely anticipated the repercussions would slam ME so hard. I loved both of them deeply tho...my emotional connection had long since engaged.
Instead, I saw the reality. I was the one who created for these two people who truly didn't deserve it, more emotional and psychological damage than anybody they would likely ever encounter. I truly ****ed this girl up so bad, she'll be carting baggage for the next 30 years, never able to fully trust either a male or a female close to her again - or until she gets thru it. I ruined her for anybody else for a long, long time. What I did to him was far worse. The sting and pain will have long since subsided, even the memories will have faded...but the damage is sustaining. He'll never forget it. Ever.
Because I'd fed him his AI - this core and fundamental force that was his "whole" self, and bastardized it, he may never be able to reach it again. I wasn't just "some girl" playing head games with them. I had literally taken the Archetype Ideals that were their polar opposite, that essence that would one day make them whole, complete, thru a natural urging to embrace it and destroyed their trust in it. His Perfect Woman will now always inspire in him pain, betrayal, heartache, anger...when it was always supposed to be perfect.
Anytime he sees a woman who walks the earth that embodies this woman, he will cringe, associating her with cruelty and pain. In short, I managed to toss a wrench into his own personal evolution, blocking him from the integration he needs to BE everything he always wanted to be. If he ever reaches a place of self awareness of the time to take conscious control over his demons, the battle will be more harsh than he could possibly imagine. His AI was always subconscious compulsion. He never even knew it was there. The point being, he has no idea at all of the psychological damage that is nevertheless affecting everything in his life from that sole experience.
I have no idea what she's doing these days, but he has since gotten remarried...to a girl exactly like her, only uglier, dumpier, fatter, and void of personality. They have a child now.
I remember, back when he was ignited by his AI that all he wanted was the freedom to live and be vibrant, to embrace adventure, to be in his life instead of chained to it. I did feed him that at first. I cannot help wonder how many women he'd encountered since then that pulled the AI from his pores, and he slammed it back into the darkness, defying her even a breath of light. He took several backward steps in his "selection" of lifemate. Even worse than the first one.
He didn't free himself. He's petrified of freedom...to the point he's blocked the compulsion of his AI altogether. He never wanted children "until" he was later on in years, financially solid, and had experienced all the things in life he wanted to experience. He didn't want to bring a child into the world and not be able to provide for it. In fact, he didn't want children so much that he literally told his wife - the first one - that if she ever got pregnant, he'd divorce her.
Everybody says he's happy. But I know him. He didn't 'evolve' from that experience, he regressed. He's not happy. He's complacent. He's living the same lie he was always living. Same girl...different name, different address. He's rejected his own AI. The consequences of this on his psyche, his soul even, are severe. And as he will never forget it, neither will I.
Thru that I paid a mindboggling price. I learned what that reason was. Your AI is there for a reason. The reality check kicked off another bout of severe depression and the longer he wouldn't get around me, the worse it was. I just wanted to undo everything. I shut down completely, constantly made aware of it.
To give you even a vague idea how horrendous a fire this was for me - how much agony I felt for them both at my hand, recall the news story not too long ago about that woman who was videotaped beating her child in the car/parking lot. You know how you felt, not toward the mother, but FOR that child - that innocent child that didn't deserve that malicious, abusive attack by her own mother's hand. You could almost feel every punch - feeling what that little girl must have been feeling as she winced away from her own mother. How that sickened you in your heart and in the pit of your stomach.
I saw, for the first time in my life, the genuine pain and agony someone else felt. Not how I perceived it - but literally felt what they both felt. I was the mother (not literally) beating her own child, a child that trusted her, a child that adored her in spite of the bruises, I was that mother destroying the beautiful flower that I created...and it nearly killed me to know I was capable of such cruelty. I discovered I did indeed have conscience. And it was most displeased with my behavior.
Eventually I danced the dance, tho. I had to go thru the fire and learn what happens when you don't know how to drive and you steal the keys to the Porche. Not only did I wreck, I ran the whole thing smooth off into a canyon. And then I got to climb back out by myself. The hard way. I was stripped of much Grace, for sure. And it's NEVER allowed me to forget what I did.
When I had paid enough dues, "IT" began to open the next door and pull me back onto the previously scheduled "Path". So now I had two of the final pieces to the prophecy. I had been given all the elements and then given the freedom to use them. I understood the severity of my actions acutely enough that it was just a given nothing like that would never happen again. I would never allow myself to take what I know and allow it to be manipulated for selfish intent. I began to embrace the true value of everything I'd learned and experienced when I recognized the 2nd piece to the puzzle: who Crete was all along...
Crete is Love. He is the most perfect love we can have for both ourselves and other people. The AI in each of us, that IS
Love.
That IS the place we were always programmed to reach. The ultimate integration of Conscious with Unconscious, with ourselves. That's why it's always about "relationships", why it's always about "desire" and "soulmates" and "someone to share it with". You see, we spend our lives down here feeling so unloved, so broken, so in need of the "perfect touch" - hungry for that one connection we can call our own, that one person that can make us whole, so that we will be inspired to reach for something higher, grander, more beautiful...something that will give us the quality we so crave, but we can't see beyond the Veil to know how to manifest it. We are unwittingly misled by our conscious egos that it's all about superficialities, money, power, looks, appeal, so we miss it time and again.
The full dynamic of Love and Life, the balancing of these polarities as directed by the AI. Love. We were always shown how to accomplish it. If only we would just look. If only we could just trust...we'd all find our ways home.
Those two people would never, in a million years, believe you if you told them how deeply I loved them both. They would swear by all that is Holy I don't even know the meaning of the word. What they don't know is that I came to know that love thru knowing them, thru the experience of being on a more intimate level with them than simple carnal indulgence. Because of them, I am no longer even remotely capable of exploiting weaknesses and devouring everything around me for my own baseless agenda. And assuredly, there's not a married or otherwise attached male on this planet that would ever entangle me in another affair. Not on my watch.
It took some time, another year, before he would talk to me again, and I eventually told him the truth about the whole ordeal. I don't know, even now, what the residual damage has been but he genuinely forgave me and we parted ways on relatively solid and compatible terms. He got his divorce and moved on. Changed, contaminated, loved...by me.
By 1997, I got my diploma and the final piece to the puzzle and headed west to Arizona...where I knew I would meet The One.
The Ultimate Beacon, the literal manifestation of my Archetype Ideal in the physical flesh. Just as Crete had predicted.
No sooner had I reached my destination did I encounter several guys that ignited my passion for life again...but they weren't the Beacon. I played and indulged on the sandy shores of that dark Sea, waiting for the next level manifestations to begin. Enjoying the most astounding time of my life and watching all I wanted land in my lap. I was face to face with my consciously determined Holy Grail. The Ultimate Reward for loyal service and a job well done. I was Home.
One night at work, I went to clean off a table back by the pool tables and looked up to ask my stock question, "Can I get you anything else?" I looked up, casually, mechanically, routinely, into the greenest eyes I've ever seen...and realized I was face to face with Crete himself.
From that moment, my world exploded all around me. I knew, from just sight alone, that with him the Dance was going to be harder and more intense than any so far with the lesser AI muses. It was no longer about strengths and weaknesses, no longer about checks and balances, moving into my potential. I had attained the Integration. I was now the whole woman I was supposed to become. Or...was I?
This time the Dance was for the ultimate Win. Double or nothing...all I had learned, obtained, experienced against one final battle, this time with the Alpha Demon...and I was fated to do it blindfolded apparently because as soon as I looked into his eyes everything just short circuited. Everything I had learned seemed to just slip away. I was completely without arsenal. Stumped. Unable to call upon all that knowledge that had always been forefront in my mind. I was lost. Powerless. Had he had a mind to, he very easily could've destroyed me...I was completely at his mercy.
And I didn't even know his name. We had several encounters - half a dozen - during the course of my job, one encounter at the post office, and because of the rest of the events happening, and mostly because it was getting closer to the drop, I got overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of all of it that I just straight ****ing bailed. Not only did I bail, I managed to do it clear across the country to a tiny little island off the Virginia coast that was being relentlessly battered by winter nor'easters. I guess I figured that was far enough away from his "spell" I could get a ****ing grip. Any farther and I'da drowned.
Nope. There was nowhere for me to run. No place far enough from the Beacons. It's always an inside job. I bailed a long time, tho. Couple years. Even had my 3rd son in the mean time. It wasn't until 1999 that I finally came to terms with what I was always supposed to do. I hadn't wasted the last 15 years of my life to just throw in the towel in the home stretch. I was more embarrassed that it never occured to me I was bailing until after I'd gone.
For me, the Great Bail Out was always my first instinct when it came time to dance with the Beacons. Run. I thought I'd overcome that subtle impulse with the first one back in 88-94. I thought I'd slayed the Great God Bail Out demon successfully which was why I was ever allowed to get to Arizona in the first place. I'd advanced. I'd evolved. I'd learned. I'd done the work. It never occured to me at all that I'd fall for that one again.
The Alpha Demon slithered up inside me and fed me a perfectly reasonable, legitimately valid motivation for "moving" across the country and abandoning my course to to meet the Beacon. It baited me and played me worse than I'd ever played the married couple. I was clueless I was being manipulated away from this Dance. I always thought it was my idea to leave.
Once I recognized how subtly this Alpha Demon had scored a tremendous strategic victory point, I knew this was going to be par for the course in the Big Dance. I would have to be on my toes a hell of a lot better than that if I was gonna come thru this with the Win. If I was supposed to come face to face with Crete then this is what I had to do. Else my whole life would be a lie. And I fell for the oldest trick in "our" little Game.
By the summer of 2000 I packed my **** and returned to Arizona for no other reason than to dance with the Beacon. This was either Crete's prophecy manifested, or as a direct result of this Dance with him he'd lead me straight to him, but I had reached the final destination. The entire experience with this one, the Beacon I call Riverboy, would be more than just an integration process, a coming together or a polar balancing act. This time it was also a Test. Literally. I had everything I needed at my disposal. I had the elements and the knowledge and the arsenal but this time the rules changed...I had to do it blind. And the "chess board" was completely mundane. No more mind blowing manifestations. It just is what it is.
In this experience with him, that is laughably mundane to everybody else - and to me too when I am outside of it, it was no less profound than a Warrior's Journey...he was my Ideal Archetype in the flesh...I wasn't the least bit intimidated - confidence was never the issue. I have plenty of confidence. This dance was a Soul Dance, for my beautiful AI manifest would also be the in the flesh the Alpha Demon. They were always one in the same. (They always are...)
Riverboy was everything I loved and everything I feared in one single individual. I had evolved. I had grown and grown up. I was on a different page these days than basically everyone else I knew. I was bold, confident, strong...still am. None of it changed. I'd long since understood who Crete was...I'd accomplished, successfully, everything he revealed for me.
But there was always one immobilizing fear I have carried all thru this Journey...one deeply held anxiety that still had perfect, whole, power to literally destroy me, to send me back into the depths of hellish depression, to undo everything I have accomplished like snapping the Rewind button. This Beacon, completely oblivious to the Dance here, has in his hands the absolute power to control my entire fate and destiny. Even worse, he has no ****ing idea he does. Or WHY he would.
I have a ton of questions to ask him one day...eventually, when I get my ass back home, but only one that really matters...only one that he has the answer to. The last question that requires its answer before the total Soulmate AI manifestation is revealed to me, for me. All that stands between me and the AI manifestation is the answer to one last question, one final piece to the puzzle that rests somewhere in the beautiful, swirling green eyes of Riverboy the Beacon.
And as "fluffy and melodramatic" as that no doubt sounds, the reality is no less acute. I've been locked inside a dark cave with only a book of magic spells, a sword, and a couple of crystals. In the darkness looms the Alpha Demon...or...is it the Beacon, my AI in the flesh?
One question only he can answer. To make matters worse, getting him to answer this one little ****ing question has been astoundingly difficult. Or, getting him in one place long enough to ask the question has been next to impossible because of the nature of the Dance itself. It squared us both off in that dark cave - almost literally - from the very beginning. It was most unexpected. Things were sailing smoothly along. I was proudly patting myself on the back for a job well done. I was certain I knew what was to come of the union between us, and amused at how insanely easy this all turned out to be in the end almost anti-climactic. This is it? This is what I've been afraid of? HA! Piece a cake. He's just a guy...
In the moment it takes to open your eyes, the entire dynamic shapeshifted, placing us both squarely in opposition with one another...but nevertheless compelled by the Dance itself. He left several times...but he always returned. I defiantly protested NO MORE I AM DONE, but I always returned. Riverboy and I have the Soul Mate Dance we both, each in our individual lives, are now required to dance. Right now, he's still compelled. Right now, in spite of every beautifully solid piece of this mystery I have unraveled, so am I.
It's the Dance with the Beacon precisely as much as it's the final battle with the Alpha Demon. Crete told me years ago all I ever needed to know - when it comes down to it. "The only armour you'll ever need is trust. The only demon you'll ever face is fear." But he never told me the nature of that fear. It's been this precise dance with Riverboy that would ultimately reveal to me what, exactly, that fear always was. It put to task every element I had learned solely in order to validate or invalidate each and every element itself once and for all. In short, all that I had done during the Summer of Consequence "because I could", I was thrust into doing again in the Game for which it was always intended. This is the prophecy manifest...this dance with Riverboy the Beacon was exactly what I was always being prepared for. This *is* the "big one".
Drawing forth the AI in the flesh.
Playing chess with the AI itself...challenging every bit of knowledge I had obtained, in a calculated, systematic, deliberate Game for the Holy Grail. Me and Riverboy. I have the knowledge, skill, experience, awareness of the Game. The "expert marksman", so to speak, standing on the white square, just a few perpendicular spaces away from a black square occupied by the Beacon, Riverboy, who is completely clueless, and yet who holds one final piece of knowledge in his perfectly chisled hands, that either validates everything that is Me, or destroys it as the Ultimate Delusion of all time. One fear. One Answer. And only one, pre-designed outcome...already determined in a place called the Twi- Light Zone.
Meanwhile, the full scope of the knowledge itself is what is important here. NOT my own journey, even tho this is how you're getting fed the information...so oh well. I never, in a million years, thought I'd live to see the day I quoted two references to Spiderman in one website, but here goes...
"With great power comes great responsibility."
Other sites can try (and fail) to teach you how to get a woman into bed, how to light his fire. What I am going to show you, aside from the extraneous bait of "seducing women" is something you already want above and beyond "scoring" with anybody. I'm going to teach you what I know. I'm going to show you how it works. The purpose of using this knowledge is to consciously manifest, in the flesh, your Archetype Ideal Counterpart. Not just for men, but for women too - this education, this knowledge, applies for all humans. If you ever wanted to know how to absolutely, literally manifest your Soulmate, I'm about to show you thru the pages of this site and on this board.
You can use it for the greater good or you can use it for selfish agenda...ultimately the responsibility - and the accountability - lies with you. Just remember...there will always be a price. This knowledge, by its very core nature is *designed* to induce the fires of transformation, destroy weakness and frailty and replace it with a perfect Wholeness. I can assure you, from direct experience as well as by the nature of the knowledge itself, should you decide to use this for the wrong purpose - which is basically to do what I did to the couple previously mentioned - you WILL pay the price.
I don't care whether YOU think you can handle it, I know you can't and that it's inevitable you **** things up. This Integration instills acute awareness, acute self awareness, consciousness...so go ahead and play with fire if you must, but be warned, you are equally guaranteed to also experience pain of whatever damage you cause. You will be literally attune with them. When their heart breaks, your heart breaks.
I know this all sounds "poetic" but it's all quite literal. I'm not speaking metaphorically in any sense, tho it may sound that way. With just the basic elements of this knowledge I am going to show you here, for free, you are also opening up a very real door to your psyche. Be careful. It's compelled you your entire life, it's run you around by the nose and you never had any idea it was even there. Imagine what it'll be like when you meet it face to face and it feeds you back your ****edupness.
You can't imagine.
Once you know it, once you grasp it and know it, you'll see the transformation happen right before your eyes. You'll never want to go back to the way things were before you got a clue (not that you can) until the moment of conscience comes and you wish to undo something you did in indulgence...then it's too late.
Fortunately, it'll manifest a huge dose of humility in even the ****iest of you so I'm not sweating it. You'll have to try it out. This is inevitable. Field testing, market research, whatever you call it, you're gonna take it out into your world and play with it. That's what you're supposed to do. Enjoy it, have fun...but remember at all times WHY you are doing it and that pretty soon you're gonna have to put it to its proper use.
Once you KNOW it, you can't un-know it. And once you KNOW it, you will have no choice but to Dance with it. You will have to do the work. The difference is, instead of subconscious compulsion and total unawareness of why you feel things you feel, why others affect you the way the do, why your life or experiences always seem to disintegrate, you will KNOW why, and in that knowing you will have profound confidence...and that is when you will have total power to consciously integrate the hidden with the manifest, to BE the puppet master, and you'll realize, with great excitement and anticipation, that it was always for the sole purpose all along of getting The One you have always believed was nothing more than a figment of your imaginations. It was always real. And always within your grasp.
"The greatest mystery is that
the universe is comprehensible."
~ Einstein
--------------- THE END ---------------
So what does this say about destini? Is she ... a seer? A prophet? The Messias? A female version of Morpheus from "The Matrix"?
Or she just a girl, who is living her family dynamic over and over again, which is symbolically being her father's lover, in rivalry to her mother, and compensating missing motherly love by overgenerating it herself?
So "Crete" would just be her father, her disturbed minds manifestation of the ideal man. Damn no, this would be way too easy and boring! Heck, this IS THE MATRIX!
[This message has been edited by Marquez (edited 12-11-2002).]
