The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[dustmuffin]

I don't know what day it is but its been over a year. I still miss her. Im a big p ussy. I have a date tonight with sure p ussy. I have a date tomorrow too. I can pull all sorts of women whenever I want....but I still miss her.

Had some of the best sex last week I have ever had. I went a little overboard and fisted her. She liked it at the time but I scratched the inside of her *****. She said no ty to any further dates. Note to self.....fisting might not be a good idea. Anyway that was a downer becasue I was looking forward to fuc king her in the ass again. She loved it. There are more women out there like her I just have to find them.

I still don't know why I miss my ex. The sex was bad but I enjoyed her companionship immensely. She has tons of red flags. I should be happy she is gone. This is just a little bump in the road. I will improve with time. I have already made great strides.

On a side note my oldest joined the national guard on friday. His mos is heat and air. He will be in the rear....a good place for him.

 

[BigD80]

What?
This girl hacks your phone, hacks your facebook, then hacks your phone again. Has a total fit about you using Tinder when she herself is using it. Has constant fighting with you over some senseless stuff...

Is this honestly the kind of relationship you want for yourself? I thought relationships are based on mutual trust and understanding...

I know and i told her that. She swears up and down she kept it only to keep our chat conversation...how it all started. She celebrates our relationship. Has been single since 14 years. I believe her. So today she called and i picked up. We talked for 3 hours and she cried. She said i just dont care. I moved on already. She knows i would have never called and probably already went to one of my other women....enila....emma...jenny and who else...all my tinderonis....so in her opinion i didn't give a **** because she is replaceble...
She said she cant go on like this anymore. I said. Ok alright. She is like: ok alright? That's it? You know what i expected? I was hoping you gonna tell me: baby i love you please dont go. Lets try this. I need you in my life.

I was like: mmhhhh ok.

She is like: see daniel. You don't give a ****. You have all those girls and i was never the one. I was only a placeholder until you find the next one. You dont want me.
Me: but i want you. So.....did you look at planetickets for September?

Her:mhhh yea. I saw one...
Blah blah

Basically i ignored her and just continued with the planning. Then she told me about how she plans her ftiends wedding and how they got drunk at the bar when she was crying to her about me not contacting her and just dissappearing for days to look for new women. We talked and laughed like nothinh happened and talked about when she comes to germany....then she switched again to talking about my ex and that i can still go back to her because i loved her so much ( i didn't) and how i was deep.inside of my ex and carresssed her everynight. Again she said she wished I would have chased her after she broke up 4 days ago.
Her: i give you a chance here and all you have to say is alright ok? I am serious i will never contact you again.
Me: ok alright...silence.
Ok daniel. I guess i was right. You dont care.
I need somebody who really loves me and tells me that everyday (a beta?)
So anyway. Then at one point she made me mad because she said she will not come to germany so i hung up. 5 minutes later she calls again and we talk again. Half an hour later she books the ticket. We keep talking fo another 2 hours. She didn't show up at work and instead asks if she should go in the shower to 'powerwash' ( masturbate with the shower head) i said ' sure' and we have phone sex....afterwards she gets ready to go to the funk fest in santa ana. So yes. The NC was a success in my case. After just 4 days...

Sorry for my typos. I am typing fast..

 

[Gaysha]

It was a great feeling seeing what she wrote, this is a first of that kind since starting NC.
The thing is - I still keep her blocked because it hurts knowing she has someone else. It would be much different if she hadn't jump into a new relationship, I would at least feel like I meant something to her. I was so easily replaced. What does she want? She wants me to unblock her and be a part of her audience for her posts on that dating site/forum? She wants me to watch how she wrote that she is in a relationship with her? We didn't break up 2 years ago, we broke up 2 months ago. It's hard.
But she just doesn't get it. She saw she lost my attention and now wants it back.
I am not unblocking her, I won't respond to her post, I won't be weak. It will send her a message I don't need her in my life and that I'm better off.
If her life is so great now with new girlfriend, why would she write something indirectly for me?
She just doesn't get a thing here. I'm moving on, I'm doing great. I won't ruin it.

In a hypothetical situation, if we talked now, I would probably tell her it hurts knowing she has someone else. And I don't want to be telling her that. I want to reach the state when I'll be able to say "You are now a part of my past. I am not interested in anything you want to tell me about your life. I have nothing in common with you anymore. Wish you all the best."

If she had enough insight in human behaviour, she would have known that me blocking her was because I'm in pain, that it's a defense mechanism.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 11

@Gaysha

One thing I've realised about this whole thing is how universal the branch swinging is. Almost all of us in this thread have had this happen, often within a VERY short space of time post break up.

Here's something very important to remember. She knows what she is doing and does not care. I tried to do the same thing. Explain away the behaviour. Don't bother. You can't explain it because when you do, you try and look at it from how YOU would behave. These women are functioning on a completely different moral landscape to you and I. Never once did my ex accept responsibility for any of the horrible things she did in and out of our relationship. Even when she gave her faux apologies, eventually her true beliefs would come to light - that it was all my fault apparently. Which is why she could go out clvbbing with 2 guys she'd been texting, literally hours after I grew suspicious of her behaviour, asked to see her phone and then dvmped her when she refused to show me. Normal people don't function like this man.I would think "Hmm, she's found out I was entertaining orbiters (or worse), I feel bad...I'll give her a day to cool down and then apologise". She thinks "fvck him it was his fault anyway. I did this because heeeeee hurt me. May as well have some fun tonight" It's pathological. My ex is deranged and your ex also seems to have similar moral / mental deficiencies.

They absolutely know how much it hurts you. Don't spend a single moment more of emotional energy pondering her psychotic behaviour. A part of you still clings on to the idea of you two reconciling which is why you are attempting this psychological schema that turns her faults into virtues. She is simply a "victim of circumstances". All she was doing was "trying to mend a broken heart" Its bullsh*t. My mind is doing the same thing but everyday I go through NC the power of this delusion weakens and is replaced with another growing realisation - that she was an EVIL FVCKING PERSON. Remember a few days ago when I was in the bargaining stage? Thankfully that mindset is slowly beginning to pass. This is why NC is so vital and you are doing great so far. Make sure you keep it up.

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I had a dream last night that my ex and I reconciled, when I woke up and realised it wasn't real I didn't get that sinking feeling in my stomach as you might expect. I simply got up and went about my day. As you can see from above I am realising that reconciliation in the short term (and possibly in the long term / forever) is not an option anymore. I won't allow myself to fall into such company again.

I did have a couple of pangs of sadness last night where I "wanted" my ex. The cure seems to be masturbation (lol). That nut really provides you with perspective.

I wrote down a list of the things I want to own or have accomplished by the end of the 60 days as the focus should always be in you and not the ex

1. On my way to eliminating the anger and dealing with impulse control - self help books and therapy (to start on day 31)
2. Intermediate Spanish speaker - finish the Pimsleur method and start Platiquemos
3. Improver / Intermediate level for Salsa
4. Rolex GMT Master II
5. Emerging side business - ideally in a position where I can extract a salary/dividends of c $3,000 a month
6. New job or on path to building a solid rep with current company (ideally with a promotion in hand)
7. Few more lbs of muscle
8. New chick(s)
9. Larger social circle
10. Better wardrobe and grooming (e.g. getting my teeth sorted)
11. More well read

 

[Gaysha]

"She knows what she is doing and does not care. I tried to do the same thing. Explain away the behaviour. Don't bother. You can't explain it because when you do, you try and look at it from how YOU would behave. These women are functioning on a completely different moral landscape to you and I. Never once did my ex accept responsibility for any of the horrible things she did in and out of our relationship. Even when she gave her faux apologies, eventually her true beliefs would come to light - that it was all my fault apparently.
They absolutely know how much it hurts you."

Yes, this is it! They know it hurts us but they don't care. They've never been in this situation, they can't imagine it. They think they deserve attention and that they didn't do anything wrong.
When we broke up, it was because she wasn't ready to change for the better (I told her what she was doing wrong). 2 weeks later she's saying how it's all my fault, how I didn't trust her blabla. But she gave me reasons not to trust her, she didn't know how to keep her word.

We deserve better than this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Up and down again today. Felt great this morning and afternoon. More new potential business coming in and browsing for rolex watches put me in a good mood. Then slumped later in the day due to missing my ex.

Message to my future self at day 60.

Well done bro! Do not discount the fact this a mountain you've climbed. Yes you've had to overcome much worse obstacles in life but this was still an achievement and something you should be proud of - it wasn't easy to stay strong through all the emotional fluctuations - after all three years is a long time. You made me proud!

 

[BeTheChange]

Salsa heals the soul. Great vibe. Vibrant music. Cool guys. Women from all countries of the world hotter than my ex. What's not to love?

Every single time I go to Salsa I'm reminded of how positive an experience it has been for my recovery. Where have you been all my life!

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 12

Quite a symbolic day as 12 days is the longest we've ever been without speaking - when we broke up last year in March she went 11 days before contacting me and trying to reconcile the relationship. I'm about half way there to truly accepting that the relationship is completely over. I think I'll be fully there by day 30.

Two quotes that are close to me at the moment, from this thread, and that I remind myself of as much as I can:

"Indifference will hurt more than anything else. The best revenge is a life well lived without her in it"

This is what is driving me to WIN at life at present. Not going to lie. Right now, there is no image sweeter than the thought of her seeing me a few months from now in a nice car with the top down, left hand on the steering wheel, Rolex on my wrist, a hot chick to the left of me, and a big smile on my face. The thought of her regret knowing that she "let a good one get away". That I'm finally healed, finally fixed, finally a well adjusted guy and now she CAN'T benefit from that. Yep! Makes me feel good. It would take one hell of rebound relationship for her to not be affected by something like that. And in her crazy moments this woman has told me to my face if she can't have me she doesn't want anyone else to have me; that she'll "either destroy me or destroy herself" (looks like she opted for me!).

I remember previous relationships and oneitises, back in my AFC days. If I saw them now I would have no care for them whatsoever. I thought they were the BEST girls in the world. Now I see them for what they are. Normal women....I can't wait until I feel that way about my ex. You think your loss is the worse thing in the world...until something better comes along. I'm more attractive and successful than I've ever been in my life. I know once I fix myself I will be able to find someone better than my ex. Even if my ex is BPD (and if she is, I don't believe its extreme) she still "loved" me as much as someone of her psyche is capable of and I think long term this will affect her more than me even with all the rebound guy(s) she has at her disposal.


"Be free to get mad, but don't send her your anger. She must never know she had that power over you"

I can honestly say in the grander scheme of things I never messed up the pre-breakup frame. I only faltered on day 1, just before implementing NC. I basically phoned her repeatedly, after kicking her out my place. She hung up almost every time and when I did speak to her she was rude as hell and I just took it because I felt bad about kicking her out. I also threatened to tell her Dad about her coming back over if she tried to see me again. That was my one weak move (ultimatums come from a position of weakness) and I relented. Then I invited her back over and when she was reluctant I kind of had this mini epiphany and just said "Look, doesn't matter what happens. No-one speaks to me like that, least of all someone who has done what you've done. So I owe it to myself as a man to put the phone down now". And I hung up. Haven't heard from her since nor have I contacted her. No chasing, no emails, no calls, no "I want you backs". Nothing. Not many guys can say this. And it gives me strength that I walked away on my feet and not on my knees.

 

[BeTheChange]

Odd. I'm thinking with more clarity and objectivity today than any other time since initiating NC and yet my desire to contact her has never been greater than it currently is now. Obviously I won't. Just an observation.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 36.

On this day last year we started chatting. It was a tough day for me, I have to admit. I cried 4-5 hours ago but I'm feeling good now.
I got another laugh from her!
I was chatting with some girls on that dating site where ex and I met (she can't see my posts but she can see the posts of the girls because they tagged me).
And then she wrote again in the thread "I want to tell you", she wrote "One day you're gonna be sick of limiting me, you'll see. I hate that I left you there alone." (limiting as in blocking her of seeing my posts)

Does she have ANY respect for me? Writes stupid messages when she knows I can't see because I blocked her (but my friends see), wow she is in so much pain she left me to deal with all the mess after break-up, but also posts to her gf how she's cute etc.
She probably thinks I cry all day in the corner, cut myself or God knows what because she dumped me. She left me, but she didn't leave me ALONE. I have great friends who help me each day and I already see my bright future without her.
Can't believe this s***.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

You need to eliminate her from your life completely. That includes staying away from websites and places she frequents. The way things are now you are still having these quasi conversations with each other by proxy. All this serves is to have the knife twisted in your back even deeper. It's been 36 days now. You'd be a lot further along if you cut ALL ties but you're still holding on to her - in a very masochist way.

I understand. It's hard to let go, but it needs to be done or it will take you significantly more time to heal. For example I have no chance of bumping into my ex until Day 29 but I've already planned alternative routes to work to make sure there is practically no chance of me seeing or interacting with her in ANY way until I am completely over her.

 

[Asmodeus]

She probably thinks I cry all day in the corner, cut myself or God knows what because she dumped me

Remember what I told you...
She wants to see you fail... She wants to see you miserable... She wants to believe that she was right in leaving you, she wants to believe that it was justified. She wants to believe that she was the better one and that her choice was the best choice.

Do not let her win.

 

[Gaysha]

You are right guys. I could have done this better.
No more info on her posting on that site (that was the last remaining thing) from now on.
I've accepted the fact that she has someone else now.

The future is bright for all of us because we will become stronger and better after this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 13

Today is a celebration of something special. Looking back at the last three years, I can honestly say the pain and sorrow that I'm experiencing now and during the relationship was worth it. Shakespeare was right. It is better to have loved and lost...Honestly, I've never experienced something as potent, life affirming and joyous as love. I've had whirlwind romances and passionate relationships in the past and believed myself to have been dealt with "heartbreak" in the aftermath of some of those relationships. But it does not compare to having someone in your life who cares for you deeply and knows you better than your own family and friends. Someone who literally gives all of themselves to you, who is willing to leave everything behind to build a life with you, who is brave enough to be completely vulnerable with someone else.

This is not an homage to my ex and like anyone else she was plagued with negative qualities that would make any future serious relationship between us untenable at this point. But I feel more free now that I'm ready to acknowledge these feelings. It's funny how the mind works. I haven't watched a single video or gazed at one picture of her since we split up and yet today I received a letter from John Lewis and it instantly took me back to the day when we moved in together for the second time and went furniture shopping - simple memories but fond times and a reminder that things weren't all bad and that perhaps neither of us were the worst people in the world.

Some want to believe a Don Juan must restrict his feelings in order to protect himself from the unpredictable nature of women. I believe this site teaches us to ultimately love responsibly with eyes wide open. To miss out on love would be to deny ourselves a truly wonderful aspect of the human condition. I see the present and the future as an opportunity - one from which to heal, learn and grow and know, truly know, that the next time I meet a woman worthy of being my partner, things will be better.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

I'll repost from another thread but I am on day 44 NC!!

"I agree with the no contact. I am/was/is in a similar situation, except we have had sex once, but she keeps me on the back burner, and like the OP hides or lies current relationships but wants me to mop up when they end. She goes dark or gets snippy every time she is in a relationship, so it's not too hard to tell. I've sort of allowed myself to be in the on deck circle for years, mainly because I don't have to put much in to keep the back burner status. Add to that, she's an HB8 and 31 - I am 50, plus a freak in the sheets so I do tend to put up with a little more to stay in her orbit.
Lately, and being inspired to continue it by these forums, I have had her in NC for 44 days today. That's a personal best. Usually they go no longer than 2-3 weeks before she chirps back in but this time she has an ex-convict boyfriend (who she denies is her boyfriend because "I hate labels") who spends at least 3 nights a week with her. So she has done the normal liking of my occasional social media post, just to sort of kick test me to make sure I'm still in her orbit. I'm like her Personal Floatation device.
I do want to see if I can make the full 60 day NC. Also, full disclosure - she is a side piece and I am married. I've been way too beta with this one, in hindsight, which is why she keeps waving in these alpha, bad-boy, white trash dogs. She's a single mom whose mother is raising her kid mostly so the guys don't have to deal with the normal single mom BS. That's why they stay longer than most but even the trash moves on eventually - or mostly she nexts them because she is super shady and always has a flock of Tinder weenies orbiting her."

 

[BeTheChange]

Just thought I would add some recent contributions to another SS brothers thread. I put them here because they actually help me a lot. Sometimes it feels as if I'm writing to myself in order to keep me resolute.

I can tell you from experience the best thing to do is NOT take her back immediately.

My ex and I used to breakup semi annually. She would go off and do her thing. I would go off and do mine. And eventually she would come back, whether after a few days or a week. She would always be the one to reach out and attempt to reconcile. From my initial perspective I believed that this therefore gave me the power. It was an illusion. Let me explain why.

She breaks up with you. She goes off and does her own thing. We know women cannot stand to be alone and you already admitted she was on tinder within days of the breakup. If she was truly heartbroken I would bet my house on the fact she has slept with at least one person to attempt to fill the void (a capital offence as far as relationships are concerned).

Now if you get back with her under these conditions what does this communicate to her.

1. She can break up with you and do what she wants during the "breakup"
2. As long as she comes across as "sorry" you will eventually take her back

That communicates to her that she can have you whenever she wants you and if you take her back now I guarantee she will dump you again and pull the same bait and switch where she goes off for a week to wh*re herself out, only to return to the familiar. I did not have this realisation until very recently, but the reality is that is how they think and this was the pattern of my ex's behaviour.

The only way you can nip this in the bud permanently is if you make them believe that they have lost you for good. There have to be lasting consequences. She has to truly believe that you have no intention of getting back with her. You say you were a d*ck during the relationship and serially unfaithful. Well so was I. And I would not take back my ex immediately under similar conditions for the reasons above.

I would recommend you:

• Don't respond. Let that anxiety build up. If she is serious she will come and see you. I doubt she has forgotten where you live in the last 3 weeks.
• At the point when (and I believe she eventually will) she comes to your home pull the same garbage these women do - "I need more time", "I'm not sure about this anymore", "I see things differently", etc, etc. She should come away from that conversation believing it's game over. That she has missed out on a good thing due to her own impulsive behaviour. Her fear of loss will go through the roof and if she cared about you at all she will experience the true pain and emotional turmoil that you have had to deal with these past few weeks
• Wait at least a month and then give her a call to reconcile - she will feel like she won the lottery. Then you will have yourself a gf who truly values the relationship going forward. Plus it gives you time to fix yourself and work on your own issues

The last time a woman said to me we weren't having sex was three weeks ago. We went on to have sex that same night (and this wasn't even my girlfriend). Point being, pay no attention to what she is saying. You are in a very enviable position during this period of NC. One I hope to be in within the next month - if not within that time frame then I have to accept she has truly moved on.

As a veteran here, you know this rule better than most brother. A woman's imagination is your greatest weapon. Say nothing. Your silence will provide a thousand times more ammo than anything you say to her. Let her imagination be the architect of her eventual obsession towards you.




Classic delayed withdrawal. She wants to ween herself off you. Employed by many women. She can tolerate loosing you as a lover (for now) because she can quite easily find someone else to satisfy that itch, but having you out her life completely is much more difficult to comprehend. A random guy can't simply replace the connection built over the course of a relationship. Two years is a fair bit of time.

Don't buy into it. All or nothing. You deserve more than the role of back up boyfriend / orbiter. She will either crack or move on. But responding to her now will only worsen the situation. There is very little upside to you breaking NC at this point.

It's up to him if he wants to get back with the ex in the long term as long as he weighs all the facts - the reality is he knows a lot more about himself and his girlfriend than we do. If a severe break up happens it is my belief that as men we need to detach completely from the woman, which is why NC is so vital.If bradd actually followed through with NC and after at least two or three months of complete radio silence wanted to get back with this women, then I would not fault him (although based on what I've read I doubt he would). At least then he can make an objective decision because ultimately no-one here is as close to the situation as he is.

Right now, bradd is acting based on his emotions. That isn't doing it the right way and is the fundamental reason men must stay resolute during NC.

As it stands, it appears he can't even manage much more than a week and that's the problem. bradd, I recommend you continue to post updates here or in the NC thread. I am going through something similar (now on day 14 of zero contact) You don't think I want to message her? Tell her how I feel. Whisk her away in some Disney style fantasy? I understand mate. Of course but I have to look past the emotions and realise that I would be doing myself a great disservice if I did. Your red pill mind KNOWS contacting her won't work but your emotional heart prompts you to do it anyway. Think of it this way? What does it demonstrate if you can't go a week without contacting her even though you said you wouldn't. I would rather rip off my nutsack than validate to her the idea that I need her more than she needs me - just imagine your ex getting your message and then lying in bed laughing in satisfaction at how weak you've become. If you value yourself as a man you would never allow such a thing to occur.

At the very least bradd you HAVE to finish NC. Do not contact her. It won't be easy but I promise you by the end you will be better for it.

 

[BeTheChange]

You know how I know I am starting to get over my ex (or that she wasn't really all that special)?

Every time I am around a beautiful women who stimulates me both physically and mentally I completely forget about my ex. This evening it was the teacher of my Spanish class. Young, energetic, intelligent, a captivating voice and a fantastic body to go with it. Shame she has a boyfriend though!

Well I return from my holidays in August I am going to be seriously on the hunt to find the next lover in my life.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 38.

@BeTheChange speaks the truth.
The girl I mentioned previously, how we started chatting and she came to my city - we had a beer last night (with our mutual friend) and she is so sweet and cute I can't believe my eyes!
She made me totally forget my ex, like COMPLETELY. I'm going on a date with her (only her & me) again today because she is here til Friday. And she told our friend something very positive about me because my friend told me to ask her on a date haha.
I just can't believe I met someone so great in so short after the break-up because gay scene here is so small...

 

[john1234]

When you fall, pick yourself back up... Do not take it to hard on yourself that you fell, falling is a process of life. He who makes no mistakes never makes anything. Mistakes offer us a chance to learn and grow.

Today:
8 Missed calls
4 Texts "I am on the way to your place"

When I broke no cotact before I sensed that she felt very insecure...NC seems too difficult to do now after I broke it, dunno how to do it? She almost cried on the phone today when I picked call 9. She is trying to talk about issues in her life (I say nothing)

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 14

Two weeks already. Went quicker than I expected but hasn't been smooth sailing all the way. Couldn't sleep much last night stressing myself out about a few business ventures but was also pondering on the ex. Had to go to the 24/7 corner shop to bum a single cigarette, since I'm not really a smoker and I find buying full packs an unnecessary temptation. Settled me down, but thoughts of the ex spilled over into the morning. Woke up despondent. Let myself feel the pain for 10 minutes, cried for 2 minutes and then pumped myself up with some motivational music.

I still have this underlying sadness. There are far more moments of optimism and happiness than in the first few days, but sometimes when my mind isn't occupied I do think about my ex and it does dampen the mood. I find reading through some of the posts on the NC thread does help or engaging in something life improving like the gym. Whenever I get upset I force myself to text or message a girl(s) to keep the ball rolling. I'm not really interested in pursuing anything until after I get back from Italy because I still need time to heal and have no desire to start any kind of relationship with a woman until after I start therapy and anger management. However it's always good to lay the groundwork.

Overall there are more happy moments than sad ones so I'm optimistic about the next few weeks and I have other girls gunning to see me this week and when I'm back from Italy. Things will be alright.