The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

I've realised the reason I'm still harbouring these thoughts is because in the back of my mind I'm still hoping she sees what she's done. That she understands what she is and actually makes a serious effort to change.

Unfortunately with society, family and friends all telling her she is blameless and a superstar who deserves much better than me it's unlikely she will change at all. I'm fact, she will probably get worse as a lot of the bad stuff she did has now been normalised.

 

[Optimus04]

Man, this **** is hard.
I'm tempted to reply the message she sent a long time ago, it seems she's finally moved on.
I'm thinking of just asking if we could talk tbh, I don't wanna play games anymore

 

[LiveYourDream]

Man, this **** is hard.
I'm tempted to reply the message she sent a long time ago, it seems she's finally moved on.
I'm thinking of just asking if we could talk tbh, I don't wanna play games anymore

You are not playing games. You are getting on with your life. Remember this..

Joined this because of this thread. I was seeing some girl, we had sex then I started liking her a lot.
Then she changed and I asked her what she wanted and she told me friendship.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 30.

Make yourself busy.
Today was all about music for me. Lots of albums on my computer, waiting for me to listen to them so I cleaned up a lot and downloaded lots of new ones... I'm really looking forward enjoying them.
I haven't done this in months (precisely - since the start of our relationship), I couldn't find time for it.
I'm gonna become a better person, with more experience, better taste in music, more movies watched, more everything.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

We'll done! 30 days NC is a huge milestone.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 7

I’ve decided that under no circumstances will I ever contact her again, even after NC is over. If we ever have a chance whether a few months or a few years from now it has to be because she wants to change and because she wants this to work more than anything, although given her own psychological issues and inability to accept responsibility for her own actions I doubt this will ever happen. Nonetheless,these are my conditions:

1. Completion of the 60 day NC challenge

2. She has to have tried to reach out to me during a crisis moment and I must wait AT LEAST a month until after this point before speaking to her again and entertaining reconciliation

Let me explain this point. “Hey. How are you?” texts don’t count. She has to literally be begging to get back with me and even then I must let that anxiety stay at a peak.

One issue that I am now fully realising (and ironically I thought I was the one in control here) is that we would break up and I would not hear from her for anything from a day to a week or two. She would then be the one to come back, begging and crying and I would ALWAYS eventually take her back – normally at that moment or within a few days. So in her mind she BELIEVES that she can have her cake (commit all these sins against me, h*e around, etc) and as long as she grovels enough she can have me back because she is aware of the guilt I have for my own sins. And then she doesn't need to take responsibility for her own behaviour because it was "BeTheChange's fault anyway".

Without realising it, I have communicated to her that she can have me whenever she wants me on her terms. Yes, I may have been the instigator behind the decision for her to end the relationship several times before (e.g. anger, violence, etc) but ultimately she made the choice and any of her post breakup “pain” has been a result of missing me, something she has traditionally filled with at least one guy, rather than a genuine fear of loss.

IF she comes back, she needs to have felt true pain. She needs to genuinely believe she has lost me, possibly forever. I see nothing else that may motivate her to change. And if we do reconcile I want that to be a scar in her psyche that acts as a will to power and deters future poor behaviour, which brings me to my next point

3. She HAS to get therapy – I am pretty sure she may be Cluster B. If she shows a genuine desire to fix herself I may be willing to proceed with caution

4. I have to be emotionally involved with another woman (not necessarily exclusive) - I owe it to myself to give someone else a try

5. I have to have started my own therapy and anger management programme

 

[Gaysha]

Day 31.

@BeTheChange
You're doing a bargaining. It's normal in the early phase of getting over break-up. I did the same thing - I was thinking would I accept her back if she asked and under which circumstances.
But after 31 days, I am really good at accepting things as they are. Our lives were intertwined for a certain amount of time but not anymore. I have my life so does she has hers. I can do whatever I want, she can do the same.
If we are really destined to be together, we will meet again under different circumstances (In 5 months? In 5 years? No one can tell.), after we've grown more, learned more, experienced more.
And that would be the perfect story for me. But I don't think about it. I am focused on myself now and trying to improve. So should you.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 31.

@BeTheChange
You're doing a bargaining. It's normal in the early phase of getting over break-up. I did the same thing - I was thinking would I accept her back if she asked and under which circumstances.
But after 31 days, I am really good at accepting things as they are. Our lives were intertwined for a certain amount of time but not anymore. I have my life so does she has hers. I can do whatever I want, she can do the same.
If we are really destined to be together, we will meet again under different circumstances (In 5 months? In 5 years? No one can tell.), after we've grown more, learned more, experienced more.
And that would be the perfect story for me. But I don't think about it. I am focused on myself now and trying to improve. So should you.

Perhaps it is the bargaining stage. So presumably by Day 31 I won't want anything to do with her?

My reasoning behind the above is that in the past she has come back (which I explained in the post) and it has been a bit of a deer in the headlights type of moment for me. This time I think she may not come back because we have at least a month away from each other but IF she does I want to be prepared this time. In the past I have not been prepared and as a result have taken her back when I probably shouldn't have.

Now I have a concrete plan for such a scenario that best serves MY interests but is still fair to both of us.

And I'm definitely focused on me. 7 days in and I've hit the gym almost everyday, well on my way to that beach body, been to salsa classes, spanish group classes (and learning Spanish again), brushed the dust off my guitar, have multiple plates interested in seeing me (I'm not too concerned with females until after Day 30) and even struck up a random conversation with a pretty woman at the train station. We were waiting at the station together and the train was delayed. We ended up getting the same train too so all in all our conversation lasted for about 2 hours. Ended up getting her number and she wants to meet me so she can "finish off the rest of her story", as I left the train before she could complete it. Just didn't want to bore you with details

 

[LiveYourDream]

I'm definitely focused on me.

That's the story you are telling yourself. Your posts indicate your mind and thoughts are her/her/her/her/her/her. Spin it how you want. I suggest you be honest with yourself.

To me it seems you are trying to control your experience breaking up, including how it feels, how long it will take, what the future is allowed to hold. I personally see it all as a defense mechanism against letting yourself FEEL the loss, the grief, the disappointment and against allowing yourself to process it. It seems, to me, like you've put it all in a box, in a closet, up on shelf somewhere, out of the way, or so you think. To me, it seems like you are going through the motions and speaking words on the surface. I am not buying that it matches your deep inner experience.

I am not calling you on what I see as a shame or as judgement. That's not my game. I am offering my perspective for your consideration so that you can check and see what is really true for you. Healing comes from honesty, ruthless honesty with oneself.

My sense is you are, whether you know it or not, focused on not feeling the hurt that is underneath everything. I could be wrong. Again, I am not here to be right. I am just offering my perspective, in case it helps you heal now rather than carrying the baggage unprocessed, and heavy, with you for the rest of your life.

 

[BeTheChange]

@LiveYourDream

I appreciate your analysis but I'm not sure you're entirely right on this one. Of course I think about her often. I have not pretended otherwise. And yes some of the things I do for the feeling of her bumping into me in 6 months time and seeing a better man. Why wouldn't I get joy from knowing she regrets her decision?

And I experienced and processed the grief in a REAL visceral way the last time we broke up (about a month ago, remember when I saw her with her new drug dealer bf). There was real hurt and grief even quite recently (my Day 5 conversation with @Asmodeus will give you a sense of the fact that I am not shying away from processing the pain) I am not lying when I say I feel nowhere near as sad this time round because I have accepted who she really is NOW. I am thinker by nature and have spent A LOT of time in the background almost like a computer with all of this. That's just how my mind works. I have a clear idea of what needs to be done to heal. Maybe I'll think differently in 3 weeks.

But all the things I am doing are for me to get back to the person I was and to improve myself for my own future happiness. As much as I miss her I am not pretending about not caring as much as perhaps I should given it's only been 7 days. I really don't care that much beyond the occasional pangs of sadness and am pleasantly surprised about how functional I've been.

And yes I completely accept that being the logical person I am I have tried to manage this breakup in the most effective way possible - gym, friends, hobbies, even going as far as to buy "How to get over a breakup in 30 days". It is not in my nature to dwell on things that can't be changed. I am a very A + B = C type of guy. I want to do my 60 days of healing, start on the path of self transformation and get on with my life.

 

[Asmodeus]

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@LiveYourDream

I appreciate your analysis but I'm not sure you're entirely right on this one. Of course I think about her often. I have not pretended otherwise. And yes some of the things I do for the feeling of her bumping into me in 6 months time and seeing a better man. Why wouldn't I get joy from knowing she regrets her decision?

And I experienced and processed the grief in a REAL visceral way the last time we broke up (about a month ago, remember when I saw her with her new drug dealer bf). There was real hurt and grief even quite recently (my Day 5 conversation with @Asmodeus will give you a sense of the fact that I am not shying away from processing the pain) I am not lying when I say I feel nowhere near as sad this time round because I have accepted who she really is NOW. I am thinker by nature and have spent A LOT of time in the background almost like a computer with all of this. That's just how my mind works. I have a clear idea of what needs to be done to heal. Maybe I'll think differently in 3 weeks.

But all the things I am doing are for me to get back to the person I was and to improve myself for my own future happiness. As much as I miss her I am not pretending about not caring as much as perhaps I should given it's only been 7 days. I really don't care that much beyond the occasional pangs of sadness and am pleasantly surprised about how functional I've been.

And yes I completely accept that being the logical person I am I have tried to manage this breakup in the most effective way possible - gym, friends, hobbies, even going as far as to buy "How to get over a breakup in 30 days". It is not in my nature to dwell on things that can't be changed. I am a very A + B = C type of guy. I want to do my 60 days of healing, start on the path of self transformation and get on with my life.

Do not shy away from the pain... In psychology and psychoanalysis they say pain is something people need to release, this is called catharsis.

If releasing it on here and talking about her helps, then by all means proceed. So long as it is done as a release, and so long as your are not pining for her. I am not good at understanding emotions, only inferring... However, I think a psychologist in this instance would tell you to just let it out. To keep all these feelings inside of him have more potential for him to ruminate and lead him to make a mistake (like returning to her which would be a horrible mistake).

Though I will be honest with you @BeTheChange ... There is no sense in bargaining as she is never coming back, and even if she did nothing will change. This may be difficult for you to make this transition... But it has the potential to benefit you in great ways. I have found that pain and torment is the thing which forges us stronger. You will withstand her, you will withstand your pain, and you will learn from your mistakes. In the future, you will look back on all of this and laugh about it but always remember the lessons that it taught you. You and her are incompatible, you have already described all the tribulations which you had to endure to be with her... You may call that love, but I would objectively call it torture, almost masochism . I am not well acquainted in this emotion called love, but I can say that it should not be like that... Do you want that to be the grand love story of your life? A love filled with resent and pain? Is THAT a situation for which you desire to spend the rest of your life in?
You have a chance now... A chance to improve, to grow, and to find something better. This is a gift, a blessing of sorts. Someday you will realize that.

 

[BeTheChange]

As I've said I don't think she will come back and i have accepted this but IF she comes back I would like to be prepared. In the past, I have sold myself short because I did not adequately plan for these contingencies. Now I have. I am learning from previous mistakes.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've realised the reason I'm still harbouring these thoughts is because in the back of my mind I'm still hoping she sees what she's done. That she understands what she is and actually makes a serious effort to change.

Unfortunately with society, family and friends all telling her she is blameless and a superstar who deserves much better than me it's unlikely she will change at all. I'm fact, she will probably get worse as a lot of the bad stuff she did has now been normalised.

The may come to the realization, but you cannot explain it to her. The best thing you can do if you want her to realize it is to stop talking about it. She will get into identical situations with others and it will be bad and she will hear what your saying. It takes 3 months to a 1 year for them to start to get clarity.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 8

Had a dream last night where she came over. I challenged her about an incident where it appeared she may have been unfaithful. In real life she claimed this was not the case but in the dream I managed to trick her into admitting the truth. Then I got angry. She cried for a few minutes but then her reaction changed to one I am so used to seeing - one where you can see that she doesn't really believe she has done anything wrong or mentally trying to reshift the blame to something or someone else. Then her demeanour changes and she switches to that blasé almost indifferent look. I lose it and throw her out the house but I am reluctant to let her go and continue to shout at her. Then I wake up.

I wouldn't describe my current mood as sad this morning.

I have found it helps to try and embrace logic and truth as much as possible.

Do you think she is hot? Yes.

Do you think she is the hottest chick you could ever attract? No.

Do you think she was loving? Yes

Do you think her bad behaviour was a price to pay for this "love"? No.

Do you think you can attract another woman of equivalent value to feel the same degree of "love" for you? Yes.

Then it's time to move on.

 

[BeTheChange]

Just so I don't look back on this time and imagine myself as the Terminator I thought I'd mention that I am feeling a bit sad at this moment.

Can't really quite place the reason for the sadness. Not so much missing someone; more a state of despondence about how things turned out. To know that "things will be alright one day" doesn't really help alleviate it either.

 

[Gaysha]

Day 32.

^ It doesn't help, those are just empty words but with time they will get their meaning.

And look what happened to me last night!
I was surfing the gay dating site where I met my ex who is from another country (which is populated with the same nationality as my country) and I 'liked' a profile of one girl... she sent me a message, she is also from that country but studies in the capital of my country! And the best thing is she knows my friend here in my town and is coming HERE next week so we'll meet.
As I mentioned previously, I'll move to the capital next year for my first job... she will be there too. Who knows what happens. This showed me how little is enough to forget about all the pain I experienced with my ex even if I don't end up dating this girl.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

I feel like such a bum and a sucker. I have trouble sleeping most nights, so on the worst of nights I take something like melatonin, which is effective but induces vivid dreams.Last night I had a dream where I was "bargaining" with her in different settings - outside a restaurant, in her house, the scene kept changing, but I was always chasing and she was ice cold. Similar dreams are now recurring where I have 1 or 2 every couple weeks, and they're never pleasant.

I can't believe how long it's been and that I am still going back to these very dark days of 2012-2013, which were the worst. We started off hot in 2011, and by 2014 into mid-2015 we had rekindled that passion, before she finally left. But there were 2 years of pure hell in the middle stages that I'm still processing, as she's only been truly gone with zero contact for 12 months.

I've had one rebound girlfriend and a handful of dates this past year. The last girl I actually liked a lot and had momentary hope that I could have feelings for a woman again, but I didn't have much time to get to know her because she was foreign and going home shortly. And so old memories crept back in.

I have some serious trust issues now. I don't "cold approach" women at all anymore because I have such a cynical view, and only meet women incidentally through circumstancial day game or social circle. I've become much more introverted and only speak to my male friends in tiny doses about it, because they had their fill years ago. And I refuse to talk to some feminist therapist or "life coach" who'll charge buckets of money for awful advice. I mostly deal with this alone now.

I know this is simply unproductive and we're simply incompatible, I just wonder if I ever cross this witches' mind...

 

[BeTheChange]

Going to be real here guys. I still want her. I still love her deeply. I've always been relatively "distant" on the surface, in terms of showing my affection towards her but I did care for her. Even I was eventually taken in by the euphoric "love" she had for me and the way she made me feel like I was all she ever wanted. She gave up so much to be with me so it does hurt to think she was only ever in love with the idea of being in love with me - if she is indeed BPD.

But it's not really her I want. It's an idealised version. A version of her that accepts what she's done and wants to change, so we can both live happily ever after.

Regardless of what she does I will continue to the end of the 60 day challenge because I HAVE TO KNOW that I can survive alone. It is the one thing necessary to allow me to walk away in any situation.

However I would still, in the future, take her back if we could achieve this. I know it's just fantasy but it's the truth.I don't know what to do with this realisation accept continue to walk alone and live my life. There is no going back to the beginning.

 

[Firestar786]

14 days today

 

[john1234]

Need advice! I broke no contact after 30days
She got me back to her flat, she was wearing a tight dress, hair was curly blond and smooth and she created the right condtions,I was weak , I fvucked it...What do I do 30days NC down the drain.