The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[S. Aureus]

How should I act about a friend trying to going out with my ex? One made out with her and is trying to get her more and another one got date with her later.
Yeah my friend sucks
I ask to DJ friend to teach me and going out to another ****ing social circle

 

[Carpathian]

@LiveYourDream, brothers and sisters in this community,

We post for good and bad. And I confess, I went weak and I fvcked up. I was doing quite good, with an occasional bad day, and got to day 60 of NC. We are both 48, fit, good looking, lovely families who adored each other etc. Two years together, had a great physical relationship, no arguments, said "love you" to each other daily, we all got on etc, but she dumped me twice during it for a month each time for inexplicable reasons. I have no idea why she dumped me, we got on great, had fun, I was never needy or beta with her - I had sense and purpose, successful career/hobbies etc. Somehow we always seemed to gravitate back together after a month or so. We were both like rabbits and fvcked each other's brains out.

Then at the end of March she text dumped me again for a third time. I ended badly, swearing at her, telling her to fvck off. Never heard a thing from her in10 weeks. Been dating other women I met online - not hooked up with any as yet - but none of them "do it for me" like my ex did. I have been missing her but I stuck to NC. Girls told me I am fit, slim, muscular and very attractive. I earn good money, dress well, I am a professional (cardiac doctor). But I have the odd day where I am down and depressed, missing her and her laugh and smile. Is this normal after this time?

She then emailed me two weeks ago (after ten weeks NC) apologizing for how it ended and the way she had acted. I'd been feeling bad about this as well and I emailed back after a two days of ignoring her, apologizing likewise and closing off after two sentences close-ended. She emailed me back a week after that saying glad her son keeps in touch with me about being a cycling nut but she would tell him not to if it was awkward for me. I said it was great he did so. A few more emails where I did the "if you change your mind, give me a call and come round my place with a bottle of wine and we'll make dinner together" that Corey Wayne says. She says she often thinks about this most days but knows she must not and will stop herself and wishes me well. We used the "babe" term of endearment to each other during this email exchange.

Guys, What the heck????? I was not intending in getting back with her, too much damage done now, but why did she reach out after that length of time??? She's not a kid, she is a mature, intelligent woman of 48! This episode has set me back, I was doing quite well. Why the hell did she email me after ten weeks? TEN weeks!!!!!! To achieve what???? Why should she care about me??? Possibly because she does still but does not want to be involved romantically? Email was the only mean of communications I had not blocked. Could an ex be in the picture lurking in the background and "confusing" her causing her to to and fro from him to me?

She was given depression tablets by her doctor but wouldn't take the tablets. Maybe she's a BPD? This is not my area of medicine but I think she could have this.

Reason for this contribution from me is to look after yourself in the NC. Man, I was so gullible for opening back up or was I just being human???. I said I never would do so even though I missed her terribly. But, so hard not to reply when it appears to be an authentic opener from her.

Brothers and sisters of the community. What do you say to me? For bad or for worse - I appeal to your wisdom. I can take the flaming if I deserve it!

 

[Glassguy]

Carpathian-

Move on. Dont break the No Contact or this is what happens. No Contact is not for you to magically get an ex back, its to get on with life without them so they arent doing this hot and cold crap.

Delete her email address, tell her that its best for her son to disconnect with you and move on.

We have all probably done this to some degree and this is what we get when we break NC. We ask for it and then also act surprised when it happens. Maybe your ex is depressed but its not your job to fix her. Go permanent NC and fix yourself.

Oh yeah, you say none of these new women "do it for you like your ex did" but your not giving it a chance. Your not even smashing any of them yet. Act as if the ex is gone and go have fun. You'll be surprised how well one or two of them can "do it for you" and probably better than your ex ever thought about doing it.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian

You are seeking a logical explanation that simply doesn't exist. There is no logic behind one womans mind. With all due respect to the women in this community, both of the genders know that as a fact!

As for her reaching out after 10 weeks of NC...that wasn't about you pal, it was all about her. To see how she feels, to see how you feel, do you want her back, would you have her back right now etc etc..and honestly mate, u failed that sh!t test by saying to her that stuff about her coming to ur home with a bottle of wine etc etc... You could've just replied to her message with " thanks for the apologies, but lets move on now, we're grown up people".

I completely understand you. I am also in my 10-th week of NC, broke up at the end of march this year. But I had a relationship with a BPD girl who had daddy issues for 2 years ! Get under my skin, feel my pain, logically ofcourse, and you will see that u are simply not alone. I am in pain also. Everyone in this community is in a some kind of pain, otherwise, we wouldn't be here.

My advice to you: spend as less time as possible with her son, and tell her that u are going to cut all of the connection with her, not that u can heal yourself, u wouldn't want her to know that she has hurt you, but because you got some new things and obligations that she is not aware of and familiar with.

As u said, u seem like a man with a high status. Cardiac doctor ?? Every girl wants to fvck and be with a cardiologist. Why grieve over just one girl ?? You think she is a special snowflake ?? Unicorn ? The best sex u've ever had ? huh... NONE OF THAT!

But you, my friend in pain, YOU are the best thing that has ever happened to her. Yes, because YOU loved her more than everything, YOU fvcked her brains out like no one did! YOU are the PRIZE that she stopped paying for because you are a GOD DAMN expensive motherfvcker. She chose to break up ? Alright, fvck off. She chose to apologize and sh1t test you ? Alright, okay, fvck off. She is seeking now closure and validation from you ? Alight, okay, mhm, FVCK OFF !

Continue NC, if u see her on the streets just say hello, or wink at her, or do ur bad ass alpha move, and move one, dont stop and talk, be casual, be busy, be bold, be a MAN of value, just like u are, but now that u are not a couple anymore..huh, believe me when I tell you, she is seeing you now from a whole different perspective. She is seeing you now with a clearer vision and a different point of view. In a short period of time, you will be the ONE that got away and the one that dodged a bullet. YOU will be grieved over, not the other way around.

 

[Carpathian]

Brothers Alex and Glassguy, sincerely I thankyou from my heart. Yes I am doing well and high status (but down in the earth of course, I am ordinary guy). Your words are kind and meaningful and I am grateful, I am an eager student to learn from the experts of this forum, one is never too old. Yes indeed. Thankyou. Yes, we just have to recognize, sad that it is, that some people are just fvcked up and they bring not happiness to our lives but fine wine that eventually turns to poison.

@Loveyourdream What say you to this set of prevailing circumstances please that I recently have undergone? Your words of wisdom resonate like fine music on these pages and I would value your contribution too. As indeed @Bluealpha.

Brother Alex. I am saddened that you are also going through this also my friend. I hope that providence gives you the strength to complete your mission. It sounds like, by reading your story that you find yourself in a improving position and place. And that makes me happy.

English not my language so apology if I sound a little strange in my writing.

 

[Glassguy]

My 3 yr LTR and fiance broke up February 11th. I should have told her to pound sand up her @ss the second she handed me the ring back and left without ONE more word being said....period! But I chased for 2 weeks thinking "we have a wedding planned that is only 3.5 months away, I am sure this will work out". And you know it might have, if I had done what I should have from the get go OR gladly excepted the ring back with a smile on my face like she was doing me a favor. That would have left her scratching her head now wouldnt it!

Now looking back, I know for a fact she will later look at me as the one that got away and be remorseful. Hell, the few times I have seen her around she looked completely different and there was nothing there on my end. I see a totally different person now that I used to see.

Give it time Carpathian. Go have fun and focus on you.

 

[Carpathian]

@Glassguy, wow that is so sad to hear of the travesty that she did to you my friend. Truly, words fail me how something that was once so fine can resemble what gets left in the toilet. I am very sorry for you brother but it sounds like you have charted a steady course to a finer place where which you find yourself this day. Well done Glassguy and may your dreams shine and come true in due course.
Yes I shall focus on my own self, thankyou for extending your kind words of encouragement. I am quite good at talking to ladies anyway but I shall become more a student in those ways and learn a greater proficiency. Yes I am sad at the unfortunate circumstance of being dumped, part of me thought such juvenile games were left far behind at my age, however, I see that is a forlorn hope. If I could fathom a reason or some sort of explanation I think it would make it more easier for me to comprehend. Alas, I was never extended the common courtesy of such an explanation.

 

[Fireballs]

Not sure of the day number of NC but it's been about 11 weeks since the breakup and I'm having more good days than bad days.

Had an absolute horrific first date Thursday night that it was quite comical. Quite attractive but had a potty mouth and was very negative and also non receptive to my sense of humour. Politely excused myself after 1 drink and she texts me after saying she wants to see me again?.....

On the other hand had a great second date last night with a girl who has the same sarcastic sense of humor as me and is smart....had a swim at the beach in the afternoon..few drinks watching the sunset..heavy make out..probably could have banged but I had plans later that night with the boys..silly me but will invite this one over for dinner soon..

Anyway stay strong brothers, it DOES get better.

 

[Carpathian]

@Fireballs, brother I have encountered several dates like that my friend of late! Yes, the thing is with bad dates is it makes one contrast the two extremes of your ex in the "good old days" and the dating predicament you find yourself in on a bad date! Strange though isn't it that your ex is no longer in the "good old days" when she dumped your @ss she was a b1atch! So it helps to remember the ex at the end of the relationship, when he/she was mean and horrible, as opposed to the "rose tinted" view of her/him.
Yes I had a "car crash' date last week. Fortunately it was a lunch time date at a coffee shop near the hospital where I work and I could rapidly excuse myself. The woman looked nothing like her pictures on her dating profile. Ugly!!! Yuk!!!!!!

Stay strong comrades. We will endure this together!

 

[Carpathian]

@Alex,
It is uncanny what you said in one of your recent posts where you discuss her liking the Instagram post that reawakened something inside you that you thought you had conquered, aka the previous romantic feelings you had. Brother, this is how I am feeling now too. Ever since the exchange of email messages last week she has been on my mind again. You said it made you think you loved her again. This is how I feel now as well! She is obsessing my thoughts these last days. But I take comfort from your last post where you say that ultimately SHE is the one who will be grieve,not that I actually would wish her unhappiness. Does she grieve now I wonder?

How can it be that us rational, highly educated and intelligent people can harbor these feelings when we know they do us no good? But I cannot help or control how I feel, I do feel I love her again. Maybe this is a well known condition after an ex reached out without reconciliation and that is the whole purpose of NC so one does not continue to get these feelings by the contact from the ex when such contact is made so easy via today's electronic means. If they REALLY wanted to find us and weave their way back into our lives they could show up at the door. I now have everything blocked.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian

Brother, thats why i told u, to cut out all communication with her. No matter how smart and rational we are , the hope of her coming back to us will wake up again. No matter what we speak to ourselves, the joy of her grieving over us is still present in our minds.

But believe me, time heals everything. And others puss!es ofc

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Today is my birthday which marks day 365. The last text I got from her was a year ago today. Some whirlwind of emotions. Admittedly wondering if she even remembered.

No big deal. Going out with the boys tonight to enjoy myself.

 

[Carpathian]

@BlueAlpha1
I hope dearly that you enjoy a fabulous evening brother. May happiness and good fortune rain down on you. And lots of lovely ladies of course!

 

[S. Aureus]

Brother, thats why i told u, to cut out all communication with her. No matter how smart and rational we are , the hope of her coming back to us will wake up again. No matter what we speak to ourselves, the joy of her grieving over us is still present in our minds.

But believe me, time heals everything. And others puss!es ofc

Even if it isnt for me, it helps.
But it is difficult seeing her nearly all the day and she being her (giving hug, being flirty and all to my friends).
The only thing that it helps its that she wants to have me at least as a friend, and I dont give her the chance

 

[alex_in24]

@S. Aureus Don't give her that satisfaction of being you friend. She doesn't deserve you. End of story.

DAY 54 here..

 

[BlueAlpha1]

The birthday night was OK. Had plenty of support. I love my boys, but am not a big fan of strip clubs.

I am now on Year 2. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to power myself forward in the letting go process. I was holding onto hope that her knees would buckle and she'd say hello on my birthday. But if it didn't happen yesterday it's not likely to for a long, long time.

I am human and the ego is a dangerous thing, but I would guess it gets easier from here.

 

[alex_in24]

The birthday night was OK. Had plenty of support. I love my boys, but am not a big fan of strip clubs.

I am now on Year 2. I am going to try to make a conscious effort to power myself forward in the letting go process. I was holding onto hope that her knees would buckle and she'd say hello on my birthday. But if it didn't happen yesterday it's not likely to for a long, long time.

I am human and the ego is a dangerous thing, but I would guess it gets easier from here.

That's the thing with BPD women. Literally one day you are the best thing that has ever happened in her life, and the next day the hypergamy kicks in and forgets about u in a matter of seconds.

I broke up on 25 march this year and I am doing pretty well honestly. I fought with a lot of emotions the first month and a half but eventually i got to a state where i feel happy about myself every single day.

But there is this one thing that I just can't get rid off my mind. I understand that BPD women get over break up and branch swing much much easier than the rest of us, but WHY is that ? Literally the first 30 days, i didn't even want to look at other women, I thought that as a disrespectful thing to do. But my ex didn't even bother fvcking my neighbor in just days after we broke up. And I was "the love of her love, and she couldn't imagine her life without me".

I simply can't accept the fact that she got over me that quickly. It's not about loving her, or missing her anymore, none of that. It's about my ego i guess.. This thing bothers me, nothing else. Because if she could fvck some other guy just DAYS after an awful break up, did she ever love me like she said she did ? Thats fvcked up..

 

[BlueAlpha1]

That's the thing with BPD women. Literally one day you are the best thing that has ever happened in her life, and the next day the hypergamy kicks in and forgets about u in a matter of seconds.

I broke up on 25 march this year and I am doing pretty well honestly. I fought with a lot of emotions the first month and a half but eventually i got to a state where i feel happy about myself every single day.

But there is this one thing that I just can't get rid off my mind. I understand that BPD women get over break up and branch swing much much easier than the rest of us, but WHY is that ? Literally the first 30 days, i didn't even want to look at other women, I thought that as a disrespectful thing to do. But my ex didn't even bother fvcking my neighbor in just days after we broke up. And I was "the love of her love, and she couldn't imagine her life without me".

I simply can't accept the fact that she got over me that quickly. It's not about loving her, or missing her anymore, none of that. It's about my ego i guess.. This thing bothers me, nothing else. Because if she could fvck some other guy just DAYS after an awful break up, did she ever love me like she said she did ? Thats fvcked up..

I think it just comes down to impulsivity and recklessness, and having never been held accountable for their actions. Pretty girls get away with murder. Plus the abandonment paranoia. They cheat on you/move on before you have time to do it to them, as a defense mechanism. But from everything I read about BPD, it doesn't last with the new guy either. But I could be wrong.

I don't worry about my ex banging other men anymore. She definitely is. I've banged other women since she left. Last night I was humping strippers, bartenders, getting shots transferred by mouth, been with escorts, had another gf since then, whatever.

Loss of great sex is only one aspect of the pain of a breakup. It's not about jealousy for my replacement anymore. But I do have this narcissistic ego tendency where I want to know that no matter how many c0cks she rides, I haunt her dreams the way she's haunted mine. That she stares at that tattoo for a split second every day before getting up. That she cried on my birthday yesterday. That knowing because she's 35, two kids and thunder thighs, and me 27 and with no baggage, she knows that one day she'll be sorry for her choice. She may have a few good years left in her - some women don't hit the wall until after 40. But there will be a day where she's 42 and I'm 34, and if there's such a thing as SMV, she will realize I was the best she ever had. I've traveled the world and have many more places to go and offered to share that with her. It's not likely she'll do any of that without me.

 

[Glassguy]

I think that I'm past day 60 now. Not sure because I really don't keep track anymore.

I did see my ex on the golf course yesterday. She was playing with her new bf, her parents and her brother. Her mother and brother actually came over to say hello to me before they started their round. They were a hole and a half behind us, but still awkward. I noticed that she was glaring over my way several times and when she knew they were in my view she would go out of her way to grab his arm, obnoxiously laugh really loud......very corny and childish to be honest.

I just shook that sh!t off and kept focus on my game since I was under par and honestly past the point of giving a fvck. I am down 20 lbs, athletic and have a great tan going on right now and I am sure that she noticed that lol.

One thing that stuck out is that she cut her hair so short that it was just to her neck line. Very odd. Good for her because that stuff doesnt phase me anymore.

 

[finality]

Day 35 or something.

The ex sent an email yesterday saying sorry for how she behaved.