Lurker here and this site is definitely been a HUGE help for me coming to terms with my break up. Get ready for a long one....
Rather than wallowing I thought I’d add my story as it does help talking about the history of my predicament. I miss her dreadfully as we had a very close relationship but in hindsight I have been blinkered (I loved her passionately and cared for her 100%) and the relationship revolved around her needs more than mine, and I bloody let it. She was a manipulative, cold, self centred biatch. BPD? Tick. Narcissistic traits - tick. These are all topics I've researched and identified in her character trait.
But it still doesn't change the way this chump still feels.
We are both fair looking people, and have great careers and little baggage. We dated for 18 months and had some amazing times - big holidays, weekends away and generally enjoyed each other's company. We were best mates and things had been rosy, I got on with her parents amazingly, they adored me and her friends did too.
We are both in our young/mid thirties, having assets in the form of two homes and neither of us had kids or ex marriages. We would have had to have sold both homes to get the combined one, and this was the intended plan for mid 2015 (that would have been 2 years together, a fair time). Then it would be RING, MARRIAGE then KIDS. Clock was ticking and I could feel the pressure but I was invested enough to do it, but not on her demands.
She broke down and claimed the relationship wasn’t working because we were “too different” and we should break up. Sex had been limited over the last couple of months and she never smiled any more, bickered and was generally unhappy, and I (naively) put this down to stress in her job combined with the dark British winter period. In response I'd also distanced myself a bit, as I was concentrating on all the other things in my life. I curtly said, "fine", promptly left her house and went into no contact. (yay for me and having learnt this was the way to go from previous relationships).
I promptly blocked her from my Facebook, Strava, Instagram etc. BANG: Ghost mode.
Fast forward 2 weeks and I weakly broke NC and declared via text on a Saturday morning (the worst times for me) that I "missed her". This resulted in a series of cold messages “not interested, we were two different people with no common interests”, “we should have moved in together sooner”, “should have moved things to the next level sooner” etc. The stream of texts went on for an hour, mostly her on the attack and defending her choice for why she ended it. She also berated me about being the “weekend boyfriend”. To be fair she was round mine a lot in the week as she travelled with her job so used my house as a base. I assured her this would have changed and I'd spend more time at hers and we'd start looking for a combined house in the Spring. She wasn't having any of it. She even claimed I should have chased her when she split with me. And I didn't.
*Cue ****head moment* I even dropped the bombshell that it was my intention to propose this year as I’d been saving for "the ring"and we should have discussed our problems before splitting up so dramatically. I said I wanted kids, I wanted the home and I wanted to wed as this was always what she had pushing for the entire time, but her hot headedness me-me-me attitude had fooked this up.
She then got REALLY nasty. Declaring her hatred for my mother, about incidents where I wasn't there for her (all ridiculous) and general blame pointing.
I ended the text barrage with how she had always been a horrible, cold, selfish, ungrateful girl, and I had done everything for her and got feck all back. I reiterated that you GIVE in a relationship to GET. We WERE heading there but her cold, unsupportive attitude and pulling the plug on us was HER choice. The girl had proved she was an utter spoilt narcissistic wannabe princess, jealous of everyone around her, her married friends and why she hadn't got their lifestyles (Incidentally her parents are very rich and still cook, clean, iron her washing and treat her as if shes a teenager even when she has her own home). Her behaviour was unacceptable and my outburst stopped her barrage of rants in its tracks. She then apologized. Back into NC.
Move on a couple of weeks and bingo - text from her highness "Can we meet to talk in person". I arranged a date to meet up at the weekend. I then received a series of texts admitting how horrible a person she is. How she needs to change and how she is the problem, not me. She wanted to meet as she had a doubt and was still unhappy regardless of our breakup. I should have told her to get back in touch when she "WAS SURE" but no, I ended up meeting her.
We arranged to meet for a lunchtime drink. She turned up, looking absolutely terrible (no effort into the way she dressed, had put on a bit of weight and looked p*ssed off) and the she cried incessantly throughout. Fortunately in the month since we'd separated I'd pretty much lost a ton of weight and gone back to how she'd met me (I'd dropping 7kg in a month, mainly due to being pretty distraught and losing appetite), bought some new duds and had prepared myself mentally to show her that I appeared pretty happy with myself.
Long story short, I f*cking nailed it and didn't come across as the needy dumped person, looked quite upbeat (I usually am anyway). She was depressed, claimed she hadn't even looked at dating let alone meeting anyone else, had been hanging out with her friends and parents, and wanted to be on her own for the first time in her life and didn't want anyone. She realised she was a horrible person and had treated me really badly, and had treated her ex's in a similar way with her demands in the past. She was an unhappy narcissist. I left her in tears with me walking her to her car.
That night - received the "Dear John" txt. "You look great etc but the spark has gone and I've treated you badly and you deserve another girl who would appreciate you and your good deeds" type of stuff. I was cool and said "yep, take care, let me know if you change your mind but I'm getting on with my life, now leave me be." She finally added "I will now. This is why I didn't want to see you its so f*cking hard"
And now here I am. I'm in my 14 days NC. Doing ok. I wont be making contact and if she does (which I feel she may) I'll ignore. As I've learnt if they want you back then they need crawl.
I have had 3 ok dates since and one 5/10 girl desperately throwing herself at me. I don't want any of them but at least its making me feel more alive than I have in the last 2 months of our break up. Felt like I was going to die over the last month and still feel like I've lost someone I adored. I don't tend to grieve very well.
Now I've found this forum, and read all about being a Don, how to be more of a man rather than a docile 'nice guy' pleaser, it's boosted my mental strength than any other self-help book. Onwards and upwards. Need to get off the cigarettes and booze and start bulking up again.
