Hi. Im a stupid spineless AFC and I need to write this **** down somewhere as my personal penance.
Last year I met a girl (23) and we hit it off great. She was funny, intelligent and pretty and seemed like everything I could ever wish for in a girl. There was a minor problem however. She was in an LTR. She would only see her bf in the weekends though, because they live quite some distance apart. He also had some serious personal issues and it seemed like their relationship was cooling down. The old me would have probably waited for their break-up before making my move, but I've been burned doing that previously: waiting for a relationship to end only to see another guy moving in, her only then ending her previous relationship and seeing myself left standing on the sidelines. Figuring that this was the modus operandi of most women and deciding not to be a dupe again I decided to make my move.
As I said we hit it off great. We shared interests and did everything couples normally do: cooking, shopping, cuddling, joking, laughing and for the first time in quite some time I felt happy. The sex was phenomenal too. There wasn't a thing she wouldn't do if I asked her to and in the rare instances where she seemed a bit reluctant she would do it to "make me happy". Of course this was only on weekdays. In the weekends the bf would visit her or he would visit him and I had to be out of the picture. I told myself this would just be temporary and hearing her complain about him it seemed like they were growing further apart. I of course pressured her a bit to put an end to her relationship, but she was still reluctant. She said she was afraid to hurt him and to add to his issues. She acted pretty torn-up about it, so I decided it was best to be patient.
He wasn't the only one with issues though. She used to be a cutter and had the scars (though not very many) on her legs to prove it. This happened when she was 16-18 in her emo/goth-phase and seeing as how that was some time ago I decided to ignore it. She had also had an eating disorder at that time, but assured me she had grown out of that. She still had a rather obsessive relationship with food and with her weight: calorie-counting, weighing herself several times a week, cardio 3 to 4 times a week and getting really beat-up when she for some reason hadn't gone to the gym or when she had gained weight. I figured that this wasn't too out of the ordinary for most women nowadays. She also admitted to having ****ed 12+ guys (she couldn't exactly be sure and wondered if *******s counted) and 2 girls before she turned 21 and got into her LTR. And although she still checked their facbook-pages sometimes I was told not to worry, because the guys were all *******s and it had meant little. Well I chose to ignore this too and even saw a silver lining in it: her being bi meant I finally had a shot at a MFF-threesome.
These of course are huge huge huge red flags, but she still made me grin like a stupid idiot every time I saw her so I decided to ignore it all. However I slowly grew frustrated with her not ending her LTR and during christmas we had out big first fight. I was to go visit my family alone, while she toured hers and her bf's families like nothing was out of the ordinary. It didn't seem right for her to tell me she loves me and then do that to me. I tried to change her mind and she told me she loved us both and that she wasn't willing to end her LTR. After that she tried to friendzone me. Being crushed by her confession of what I alread suspected and her admission of her actual priorities I told her to **** off and walked out, with her crying and sobbing, telling me I never actually loved her that noone loved her and saying she would be better of dead because "she only caused hurt".
She contacted me a few days later, told me she was depressed and lonely, that she loved me, missed me and really really needed to be ****ed (seems to work on dumb old me) and being spineless and feeling sorry for her and for myself we then got together again. Deliberately ignoring her LTR things were great for a while again until she and the bf were expected to on a week-long vaction with her parents. We ignored this as long as we could but tensions grew and exploded the day before she left. Things got emotional, I got angry, she cried a lot and it ended up with her locking herself in the bathroom cutting herself (although superficially) again. I made sure she was ok, and my emotions being all over the place didn't know what to do and just left.
That should have been it, but stupidly we got together again after her vacation. She mostly seemed to grow more and more depressed however. She started cutting and throwing up her food again. I ignored it for some time (best as i could) hoping it would get better and some days actually were, but she basically told me that she couldn't bear the guilt anymore; both towards her bf for cheating on him and towards me because she thought I deserved better than her. So after seeing little improvement I offered her to end things. I should have, but she actually wasn't willing to and then blamed me for giving up on us and for walking out those times. Again lots of emotions and crying and me walking out.
That again should have been it. But again she told me she was depressed, needed me and didn't want to be alone and spinelessly I went over again. When I got there late in the evening she was just lieing on the bed being depressed, started crying and then asked me to leave because it was "all too painful". When I refused (just having arrived after she asked me come over at a time where I normally already would have been asleep, having been blamed for not loving her for walking out before and seeing that she cut herself again) she became malicious: a barrage of nasty remarks like how I only was with her because I could get noone better than her etcetera. Then threatening to kill herself if I didn't leave. When that didn't work she actually started punching and kicking me and I had to restrain her. This lasted on and off till 3AM. Finally things settled down and I decided to sleep in the other room. I'm actualy a pretty laid back guy and I was kind of shocked by my own thoughts, but that evening was the first time I sort of got an insight into the circumstances under which men resort to domestic violence.
I went to work the next day, still kinda shocked and worried how she was doing. She apologized, told me she was ok and that it was ok for me to come over. She was still depressed though. I cooked and tried to cheer her up, but she didn't eat and later in the evening she broke down again. Again telling me to leave. Again being obnoxious. Again the punching. Again the threatening suicide. At one point she actually grabbed a butcher's knife and came at me threateningly. I'm still bigger and stronger so I took the knife away and pushed her on the bed. She tried to fight me again and then I kinda lost it. Basically (while still trying not to yell) called her a stupid borderline *****, blamed her for everything, emptied a nearby mug of water on her, threw a plant against a wall, took some time to calm down, got my stuff and left. The thing that I can't get out of my head is that she looked pretty terrified when I threw the ****ing plant. Like I was actually going to hurt her. It made me think she maybe was before.
So yeah this was all a ****ed up rollercoaster and in the end I can't really blame anyone but myself. I feel drained but I guess I learned a lesson. I've been NC for four days. Deleted her on skype, whatsapp. No spine though, so wish me luck.
