The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
Hi all.
I gotta say this is an awesome thread. It's been so helpful. I thank each of you for your wisdom.
Short version of the story: Almost 4 years invested in the relationship. She cheated on me several times (7 guys). I took her back each time. We got engaged in Nov last year. Engagement lasted 95 days. Day 96 she slept with some House music DJ. At day 55 she went out on a date with some dude she met in her hotel lobby bar. 2 days ago went to meet her to talk it out and finalize things, and walked in on her with the DJ (smooching/rubbing). Got the ring back.
Day 1. Here we go. I should be on day three but she baited me into an argument. It's hard. I know logically she's bad for me and not who I should be. She's so cold and bit&h to me. The ego is what's so bruised.
Be strong together gents.
I gotta say this is an awesome thread. It's been so helpful. I thank each of you for your wisdom.
Short version of the story: Almost 4 years invested in the relationship. She cheated on me several times (7 guys). I took her back each time. We got engaged in Nov last year. Engagement lasted 95 days. Day 96 she slept with some House music DJ. At day 55 she went out on a date with some dude she met in her hotel lobby bar. 2 days ago went to meet her to talk it out and finalize things, and walked in on her with the DJ (smooching/rubbing). Got the ring back.
Day 1. Here we go. I should be on day three but she baited me into an argument. It's hard. I know logically she's bad for me and not who I should be. She's so cold and bit&h to me. The ego is what's so bruised.
Be strong together gents.
I'd throw it out. If you're not ready for that. Box it up. Tape it shut along with ANY other reminders of her stuff in your house. Put it in the garage and forget about it. When your mind clears (60 - 90 days), if you come across the box, then throw it away. DO NOT SEND IT TO HER! DO NOT SEND IT TO HER FAMILY/FRIENDS! That breaks NC. She or her new guy can always buy new stuff.
Day 3
I almost cracked a few minutes ago... But one member on here I won't say his name but he is pretty much coaching me through my process. Something he said just made complete sense.
I wasn't in a serious serious relationship like some people in this thread. And I thought I don't need the NC. But after really understanding it you don't wanna come off NEEDY. If she cares enough she will contact you. The last thing you wanna do is bother the girl you liked/loved.
I wish I found this place before things began to get rocky because I probably would've made some smarter choices.
I almost cracked a few minutes ago... But one member on here I won't say his name but he is pretty much coaching me through my process. Something he said just made complete sense.
I wasn't in a serious serious relationship like some people in this thread. And I thought I don't need the NC. But after really understanding it you don't wanna come off NEEDY. If she cares enough she will contact you. The last thing you wanna do is bother the girl you liked/loved.
I wish I found this place before things began to get rocky because I probably would've made some smarter choices.
Thorninmyside
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My personal tip for getting through NC and oneitis... Sign up at dating sites or get Tinder... Not specifically for hooking up unless you want to, but just the very step of window shopping will
a) facilitate moving on
b) keep you occupied
c) show you that the world keeps turning and there are others out there
d) you might actually like who you see.
a) facilitate moving on
b) keep you occupied
c) show you that the world keeps turning and there are others out there
d) you might actually like who you see.
days since break up: 17
days since phone contact: 12
days since text contact: 10
been breaking the no facebook stalking rule. fuhhh. really want to contact her for my roissy three weeker (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/10/how-to-win-back-an-ex-girlfriend/), but I keep remembering how she had all these beta exs that were still calling her while we were together. don't want to be another guy that pumps her up. it's impossible for us to be together again as we did long distance, but damn I want her back. still tough to get over her.
words of encouragement would be appreciated fellas.
days since phone contact: 12
days since text contact: 10
been breaking the no facebook stalking rule. fuhhh. really want to contact her for my roissy three weeker (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/10/how-to-win-back-an-ex-girlfriend/), but I keep remembering how she had all these beta exs that were still calling her while we were together. don't want to be another guy that pumps her up. it's impossible for us to be together again as we did long distance, but damn I want her back. still tough to get over her.
words of encouragement would be appreciated fellas.
Day 4, it sucks cuz at this time we would be on the phone talking. I really enjou talking to her I could talk to her about anything, and she always kept the conversation going. I just can't believe how can someone just cut you off like that... that's what makes me mad, is not even the fact that she didn't want me no more to be honest. She is such a hiprocrite. However even after that... I still want to talk to her, and know how she doing... I reallt cared about her. Idk why I always get attached to girls but I do. I know you are supposed to spin plates but I can't do that. I really want a relationship with a girl. But I think im going to have to bury my feelings and **** everything I see
Thanks Lj orozco. I will just throw it out and play stupid if ever called on it. I am in a good place now, and will not let this ***** break my stride. I just wanted to know what the protocol was for that kind of stuff? Now I know. Thanks again....Peace
ljorozco said:
As you enter your 60 day no contact challenge I would like to just say that infidelity is absolutely the worst thing a woman can do to you. The ramification of this fact is that if you can emerge from no contact successfully you will be very strong after this experience. Stronger than others that are starting no contact for reasons that don't involve infidelity.
If you can bounce back from a girl cheating on you, moving forward, you can handle literally ANYTHING a girl might throw at you. you will bounce back STRONG. This is a big opportunity for you.
sorry to hear this happened to you and you are in the right place.
Bling said:
Hey bling:
I read this same heartiste post when I was about half way through my no contact period with my ex. I was pretty convinced that my ex was still pretty attracted to me and read this post and was sorely tempted to give it a go. I resisted this temptation however and it was a good thing.
why was it a good thing? I found out relatively recently about what was going on with her during this first month of no contact. she had literally dozens of guys come out and start texting her and calling her once it was clear that we broke up. I was the only one not doing it and I raised her perception of me.
My suggestion is that you continue to let "the mystery" build maintaining no contact. you could probably make something happen now if you followed the advice of this post but you could probably make a lot more happen if you wait another couple of months.
don't be a normal guy.
The great thing about this heartiste post is that is serves as a reminder of the primary importance of attraction in your interaction with your ex and females in general. Use no contact to maximize your attractiveness, both to her but also to other females. If you are going to reconcile with your ex it wont be because of some stellar personal quality you have, you will get back with her because she still wants to fvck you or she decides she likes fvcking you more than other guys. its that simple but so easy to forget.
Create self-fulfilling prophecies. Always assume the positive. Assume she likes you. Assume she wants to talk to you. Assume she wants to go out with you. When you think positive, positive things happen.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.
Day 7.....
Woke up with her on my mind and keep playing over and over why she texted me. Who thought a simple "hi" could put me through this. Been two days since the text and I have not responded. I know per NC I should not but for some reason feel like not responding is immature and feels like I'm playing a game. Holding strong but it isn't easy.
Yonggg.... Hope your're doing well man. Hang in there.
Woke up with her on my mind and keep playing over and over why she texted me. Who thought a simple "hi" could put me through this. Been two days since the text and I have not responded. I know per NC I should not but for some reason feel like not responding is immature and feels like I'm playing a game. Holding strong but it isn't easy.
Yonggg.... Hope your're doing well man. Hang in there.
Day 7.... Continued
Just posting out of pure frustration and confusion. Driving myself crazy today. No matter how hard I try to focus on other things my mind keeps going back to text her.... I just want to say what's up. To see if there is a response and if there was a reason for her contacting me. It's obvious that the reason was nothing of importance or she would have said more or tried to contact me again... I think. Or by me not responding does she think I'm done and she is going to giveup?
Not going to text her but need to vent..... My head is going buts right now.
Just posting out of pure frustration and confusion. Driving myself crazy today. No matter how hard I try to focus on other things my mind keeps going back to text her.... I just want to say what's up. To see if there is a response and if there was a reason for her contacting me. It's obvious that the reason was nothing of importance or she would have said more or tried to contact me again... I think. Or by me not responding does she think I'm done and she is going to giveup?
Not going to text her but need to vent..... My head is going buts right now.
Day 8...Since I broke NC.
Day 3...SInce she texted. (I have not responded)
Day 16... since break up
No different than yesterday. Can't get her out of my head no matter what I do. What seems to bother me the most and I know is doesn't matter either way but is she missing me too? I almost want to feel that if she doesn't I can move on easier. Since her text, I'm back at the is that her? everytime my phone goes off. I feel like I'm back to the first couple of days. That text set me backwards.
Day 3...SInce she texted. (I have not responded)
Day 16... since break up
No different than yesterday. Can't get her out of my head no matter what I do. What seems to bother me the most and I know is doesn't matter either way but is she missing me too? I almost want to feel that if she doesn't I can move on easier. Since her text, I'm back at the is that her? everytime my phone goes off. I feel like I'm back to the first couple of days. That text set me backwards.
i think you should stick with nc, try as hard as possible to focus on urself, improving urself. dont think too much about her text.HW1984 said:
at least now u can get more closure that she is the one texted u first.
we dont know if she really miss u or not,
if she does, and u didnt respond it will drive her nuts.
ah i dont feel like im good at giving advice, since im the one who is also suffering now.
its day 18 now.
and she havent text me first,
if only she text me first, i would get closure. i hope i can get in same situation like u,
she textes u first.
i now think less abot her, but still sometimes that feeling come again, hate, desperate, miss her, etc.
i just hope that she will text me first, not im ngoing to reconcile again, i realize quiet clearly that i can have a better one, who will respect me more, i know how ungrateful she is so i wont reconcile with her, i just want closure.
Backwardsman
Don Juan
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Thats exactly what it was meant to do, set you back!HW1984 said:
Your ex text you knowing this, but keep NC, it will do the reverse back at her.
She will be wondering why you havent responded, and be driving her crazy, but dont think for one minute that her text is reaching out to get you back, it isnt - Its for her own benefit in knowing that you still want her back, to keep you chasing to feed her ego.
A few pointers i have learned over the years -
Your relationship ended because it was meant to, If it wasn't, you would still be together.
A breakup should be viewed positively, learn from it, better yourself for the next one. Think of it as a lesson for yourself.
Most, if not all relationships these days are some form of emotional attachment to someone, like a drug, when the drug (girlfriend) is available you are happy etc, when the drug is removed (dumped etc) you want it more and are unhappy - Is this love? i dont think so......
further to my point above, NC is like going into rehab, getting clean from the emotional attachment you had with this person, and is the best way to heal and make you stronger - Be the man and walk away!
Better yourself, become active, go out with friends, staying in waiting by your phone for a text/call is wasting your life, put your self first, not an ex.
Always look forward, never backwards, you will have plenty more relationships in your life time, trust me.
A quick story before i go.
My first proper girlfriend, went out for over a year, did loads together etc thought she was the one (naive). She ended it, and i was all over the place, texting, showing up at her house, when she went out to clubs i would be there - What do you think this looks like ? loser right.... i cringe looking back at my actions, but in a way gave me lessons on how not to behave after a breakup....
Fast forward to now, my last ex i actually finished 4 weeks ago, going out a year, but she still lived with her ex and no matter how much i asked her to sort it, nothing got done, so i simply ended it, deleted her out of my life and walked away, best thing i have ever done and i feel empowered doing it - She texts from time to time, but i simply ignore, delete and get on with my life.
In a nutshell, Your relationship ended, not your life....... Hope you all get on ok, any questions please ask
Backwardsman
Don Juan
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Cheers dude, i learnt the hard way, but now its paying offPairPlusRoyalFlush said:So much wisdom here
Day 3 NC - DONE!!
Now some of you may feel hopeless and like this NC thing isn't working. But it does!!
Here's some advice from a guy that was having major problems. MAJOR PROBLEMS!!!
GET BUSY!! Keep your mind and your body active! Bike, Gym, raquetball, swim...ANYTHING!! Just get active.....and go to bed exhausted. What this also does is keep you from checking your cell every 30 seconds. IT WORKS TRY IT!!
Next....find somethings that you're thankful for. Appreciate people and things in your life. Health, breath, dogs, kids, job, family, car. But look at the good you still have in your life...not what's seemingly walked out of it.
This one's important::!!! Make a pact with someone that you'll call them or text them when you're feeling weak and want to break NC. This is where you really find out if you have good friends. Worst case scenario...call a crisis line. It's not a matter of who you talk to....it's who you're NOT talking to!
Let's face it...these women hold the upper hand right now by walking away from us. They WANT us to grovel and call them and text them and bug them. And make no mistake about it...if you call or text when they're with their friends you're being Muther Fu*ked! And they're laughing and talking crap. Hold our dignity together.
Tonight I just received a goodbye email from my ex....and I know she's expecting a groveling response. But I won't give it to her. She's reaching out right now and hurting...trying to elicit a "But I love you....".
Here it is:
I just want you to know that i love you with all my heart. I ALWAYS have and always will. You hold the most precious place in my heart. You gave me everything you could. Im sorry that I am so difficult. but i am whom i am. I believe that we are just two different people from two different worlds. Since I've moved on, i feel like i brought myself back down to my own level. again, you were too good to be true. I wasn't able to keep you happy and sane. You need a real women to take care of you. to Love and respect you. You will find her. i know you will. It hurts and breaks my heart to think that i couldn't be the one. But only because i know how good of a man you are. And how happy you will make that woman.
The one thing that hurts me the most is that after everything, you still have this nasty image of me. That im sleeping around. It hurts the most deepest parts of my heart. Im sorry that i never got the chance to prove to you that i am not that person anymore. But i know im not, and that's all that matters.
Im truly sorry for the mistrust i gave you. Im sorry for hurting you. Im sorry for not being able to make it better. Im sorry for not loving you enough, not respecting you enough. not trying hard enough, not being able to wait for you. Im sorry for the pain i put US through.....
Goodbye, I love you.
The truth this....it's all bull^&ST!!! She's "moved on" with the dude I walked in her with. And she's still not taking responsibility for her other actions.
The anger stage of grief is a wonderful place to be. Get there guys! And stay there!!!
Now some of you may feel hopeless and like this NC thing isn't working. But it does!!
Here's some advice from a guy that was having major problems. MAJOR PROBLEMS!!!
GET BUSY!! Keep your mind and your body active! Bike, Gym, raquetball, swim...ANYTHING!! Just get active.....and go to bed exhausted. What this also does is keep you from checking your cell every 30 seconds. IT WORKS TRY IT!!
Next....find somethings that you're thankful for. Appreciate people and things in your life. Health, breath, dogs, kids, job, family, car. But look at the good you still have in your life...not what's seemingly walked out of it.
This one's important::!!! Make a pact with someone that you'll call them or text them when you're feeling weak and want to break NC. This is where you really find out if you have good friends. Worst case scenario...call a crisis line. It's not a matter of who you talk to....it's who you're NOT talking to!
Let's face it...these women hold the upper hand right now by walking away from us. They WANT us to grovel and call them and text them and bug them. And make no mistake about it...if you call or text when they're with their friends you're being Muther Fu*ked! And they're laughing and talking crap. Hold our dignity together.
Tonight I just received a goodbye email from my ex....and I know she's expecting a groveling response. But I won't give it to her. She's reaching out right now and hurting...trying to elicit a "But I love you....".
Here it is:
I just want you to know that i love you with all my heart. I ALWAYS have and always will. You hold the most precious place in my heart. You gave me everything you could. Im sorry that I am so difficult. but i am whom i am. I believe that we are just two different people from two different worlds. Since I've moved on, i feel like i brought myself back down to my own level. again, you were too good to be true. I wasn't able to keep you happy and sane. You need a real women to take care of you. to Love and respect you. You will find her. i know you will. It hurts and breaks my heart to think that i couldn't be the one. But only because i know how good of a man you are. And how happy you will make that woman.
The one thing that hurts me the most is that after everything, you still have this nasty image of me. That im sleeping around. It hurts the most deepest parts of my heart. Im sorry that i never got the chance to prove to you that i am not that person anymore. But i know im not, and that's all that matters.
Im truly sorry for the mistrust i gave you. Im sorry for hurting you. Im sorry for not being able to make it better. Im sorry for not loving you enough, not respecting you enough. not trying hard enough, not being able to wait for you. Im sorry for the pain i put US through.....
Goodbye, I love you.
The truth this....it's all bull^&ST!!! She's "moved on" with the dude I walked in her with. And she's still not taking responsibility for her other actions.
The anger stage of grief is a wonderful place to be. Get there guys! And stay there!!!
hahahahahah...........they are all barkin mad................you walked in on her with some dude and she writes you this............
its a way of her easing her concioncence and also to try and create a little drama in her life...............i bet your really glad this happend when you look back in a few years ............
getting to a place in your life where you couldnt give a fvck is great..........keeping busy is the key.............buy a house that will keep you busy , start jogging , get a hobbie , decorate your house , anything to keep your mind away from the poision a lot of these chicks bring to the party......
always best to have the strength to walk away.............and then disapear off the face of the earth...............leave them in the abiss where they belong........
good luck ...........really enjoyed the last post...........made me smile.....
its a way of her easing her concioncence and also to try and create a little drama in her life...............i bet your really glad this happend when you look back in a few years ............
getting to a place in your life where you couldnt give a fvck is great..........keeping busy is the key.............buy a house that will keep you busy , start jogging , get a hobbie , decorate your house , anything to keep your mind away from the poision a lot of these chicks bring to the party......
always best to have the strength to walk away.............and then disapear off the face of the earth...............leave them in the abiss where they belong........
good luck ...........really enjoyed the last post...........made me smile.....
Day 9....
Hit the gym yestrerday for the first time in a while and felt great. Not to mention al the eye candy and with spring coming... Men, it's a great time to be single. I've been taking all the right steps and it is going to get easier. Gym, working two jobs and rebuilding a motorcyle. It all helps but I still can't deny the fact that I miss her. It will pass in time.
Yonggg - Keep it up. Her textin will not bring you closure, just f*s with your mind. Better off with nothing.
Backwardsman - Awesome words and knowledge. Thanks
ljorozco - Thanks for posting that email. Almost exactly what mine said when she left me. You're too good for me and all that BS.... Thanks for helping me see that.
Hit the gym yestrerday for the first time in a while and felt great. Not to mention al the eye candy and with spring coming... Men, it's a great time to be single. I've been taking all the right steps and it is going to get easier. Gym, working two jobs and rebuilding a motorcyle. It all helps but I still can't deny the fact that I miss her. It will pass in time.
Yonggg - Keep it up. Her textin will not bring you closure, just f*s with your mind. Better off with nothing.
Backwardsman - Awesome words and knowledge. Thanks
ljorozco - Thanks for posting that email. Almost exactly what mine said when she left me. You're too good for me and all that BS.... Thanks for helping me see that.
Create self-fulfilling prophecies. Always assume the positive. Assume she likes you. Assume she wants to talk to you. Assume she wants to go out with you. When you think positive, positive things happen.
Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.