The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[JohnnyStorm]

Day: Can't remember. have started and failed this challenge too many times lol.

Haven't seen her in 2 months, haven't texted her in 15 days, which was just to say happy new year.
She come's up in the meeting today and I instantly feel sick to my stomach . Her manager mentioned that she is leaving to do some volunteering overseas, this I already knew, but the reality that she'll be leaving and that maybe I'll be seeing her at some leaving party made me sick.

The fact that she will actually be gone will be excellent for me in terms of actually getting over her. No longer will I hear of her at work, nor occassionally work with her. I can freely go out wherever I please and not awkwardly run into her.

She was never my girlfriend, we ran into each other on occassion and would end up in bed together or end up kissing etc.
I think that the reason I fell for her so much was that she was that a) I had never had "casual" sex before, so wasn't really prepared for it.
b) She was the first girl that I ever really "fancied" that I had had sex with (my ex and I just sort of ended up together, I never pursued her in the same fashion or desired her as much)
c) Low self esteem from a toxic home environment and a former relationship with a BPD person meant that I clung on and took value from the tiny bit of attention that this girl gave me.

I just want this to end and to not think of her, but I'm depressed and probably need therapy of some sort. It's insane that I still have feelings for a girl that I last had sex with 11 months ago...

 

[Reptile]

NC for 8 months, and I feel MUCH better, I have learned alot on how to feel better without my ex.


Here are my tips:

Eat every 3rd hour - It doesn't matter HOW MUCH, but keep it healthy most of the time. Don't make the mistake of eating "only when you're feeling hungry" because how hungry do you feel when it feels like you have a big rock in your stomach? When you starve yourself you feel only worse, therefor every 3rd hour is a good rule to keep. Lunch and dinner should be bigger than the other meals.
If you eat let's say dinner at 4 and then at 7 you're not feeling hungry, then 2 sandwiches are enough, as long as you keep feeding yourself regularly.

Bonus: Have a "eating day" once a week like a saturday or something where you eat pizza and chips, this will make it easier to keep the rest of the weeks food healthy.



Exercise - You don't have to go to the gym. Pick up a sport, do what you like as long as you exercise, but I prefer the gym.

Bonus: I've got about 8-10 kilometers to my gym and I cycle to it, and you should too! It's refreshing and with a good audiobook it makes you wanna do it more often.



Update your look - Buy new clothes, cut your hair, get rid of the acne etc. Look at magazines and movies for a style that will fit you, everybody's copy everyone, it will help you alot to know what fits you. Make the best of yourself you can ever be!



Contact your friends - You probably shut them out when you where in a relationship, we all have, so contact them again. And do stuff they wanna do, if they are single they know how to live the single-life.

Bonus: While you are going out with your friends, meet new people and show your best! This is how you will higher your chance of meeting a new (wo)man in your life.



Small tips:
Don't beat yourself up - You've made mistakes in your life before and survived, why is this such a big deal? Everybody does it, you've learned something new.
Try not to stay inside all the time - Go for a walk if you feel bored, and remember that audiobook.
Cry out - You are human, you have feelings, and Yes men also cries. If you don't let it out, it will take longer, trust me I tried this.
Don't rush - You don't need a new partner right now, you need to be yourself again. Work on your self-esteem, and babysteps are the key here.
Shower every day - Refreshing and will make you feel better about yourself.


You will feel better everyday as long as you keep NO CONTACT with your ex.
These tips made me feel better and today I'm happy without my ex, I had a life before her, and I have one after.

Now I am hanging out with my friends every week, partying (without alcohol) and keep my head high. Women are starting to look at me, everyday!
I've started to take my workout more seriously, and going to study this spring.

It will get better, time heals all wounds.

 

[j0504s]

Day 20, it feels like an eternity since i lost spoke to her...prob a good thing...still missing her alot tho...i hate that my mind always thinks about her having sex with this knew guy she is with...its disturbing...I sleep a little better these days but i still have the Emotional exuastion when i wake up...I deff. lay for an hour or so at night thinking about her and try and do everythign with in my power to try and distract it...It still shocks me that she can be head over heals for someone one day then dump then the next...BPD for ya at its finest...so i guessi am still heated over this...but a little better then i once was...it also sickens me still how she could just jump into a new relationship so damn fast...I wish it was as easy as saying shes super sick i dont want her...but it really isnt...still trying to figure out if i should goto the event on thursday my friends are telling me you always go you have a right to be there your alpha there and people dont like her for what she did dont let her run your life you arent even with her...just dont want to see her parents b/c im obligated to say hi, which may lead her to try and speak to me...my plan would be say hi to them and just compleltly no acknolledge her? is that innapporpriate i do not want to break No contact for her to do her BPD **** I miss you I cant get over you blah blah which she did 20 days ago, shes ****ing dating another guy she should leave me alone. It also makes me wonder if she knows her number has been blocked, B/c i dont know if shes been trying to contact me...shes deff. the type of person to make a scene over it if she found out.....

 

[Purefilth]

NC for 8 months, and I feel MUCH better, I have learned alot on how to feel better without my ex.


Here are my tips:

Eat every 3rd hour - It doesn't matter HOW MUCH, but keep it healthy most of the time. Don't make the mistake of eating "only when you're feeling hungry" because how hungry do you feel when it feels like you have a big rock in your stomach? When you starve yourself you feel only worse, therefor every 3rd hour is a good rule to keep. Lunch and dinner should be bigger than the other meals.
If you eat let's say dinner at 4 and then at 7 you're not feeling hungry, then 2 sandwiches are enough, as long as you keep feeding yourself regularly.

Bonus: Have a "eating day" once a week like a saturday or something where you eat pizza and chips, this will make it easier to keep the rest of the weeks food healthy.



Exercise - You don't have to go to the gym. Pick up a sport, do what you like as long as you exercise, but I prefer the gym.

Bonus: I've got about 8-10 kilometers to my gym and I cycle to it, and you should too! It's refreshing and with a good audiobook it makes you wanna do it more often.



Update your look - Buy new clothes, cut your hair, get rid of the acne etc. Look at magazines and movies for a style that will fit you, everybody's copy everyone, it will help you alot to know what fits you. Make the best of yourself you can ever be!



Contact your friends - You probably shut them out when you where in a relationship, we all have, so contact them again. And do stuff they wanna do, if they are single they know how to live the single-life.

Bonus: While you are going out with your friends, meet new people and show your best! This is how you will higher your chance of meeting a new (wo)man in your life.



Small tips:
Don't beat yourself up - You've made mistakes in your life before and survived, why is this such a big deal? Everybody does it, you've learned something new.
Try not to stay inside all the time - Go for a walk if you feel bored, and remember that audiobook.
Cry out - You are human, you have feelings, and Yes men also cries. If you don't let it out, it will take longer, trust me I tried this.
Don't rush - You don't need a new partner right now, you need to be yourself again. Work on your self-esteem, and babysteps are the key here.
Shower every day - Refreshing and will make you feel better about yourself.


You will feel better everyday as long as you keep NO CONTACT with your ex.
These tips made me feel better and today I'm happy without my ex, I had a life before her, and I have one after.

Now I am hanging out with my friends every week, partying (without alcohol) and keep my head high. Women are starting to look at me, everyday!
I've started to take my workout more seriously, and going to study this spring.

It will get better, time heals all wounds.

Bloody good shortlist there - Have +rep

 

[sadonomspa]

Been NC since NYE when she contacted me.

I compiled a list of all the crazy things she has said or did so that when I am feeling like something was my fault I look back and say "wait most of this was her doing and her fear of commitment" also her diagnosis of mania by her therapist when I met her should have set off an alarm.

I figured if shes getting help things are good. But when she stopped therapy thats when she turned into a different person or maybe the real person she always was.

My mind thinks about her but my body no longer reacts in pain anymore. This NC stuff is good and this support forum is even better.

 

[j0504s]

Day 21, feeling neutral today, Still consuming alot of my thoughts. woke up alright today, I think im getting better but only time will tell...still got to make my descsion whether or not i will attend the event i know she will be at with her parents...thats all i got for now...

 

[lamobatsman]

this is a really great thread and i wish came here a lot lot sooner. This girl wasnt my gf and i have posted many threads on what happened. A girl i reli liked and thought she liked me too.
I tried NC initailly after she messed me around but then i caved in and sent her many AFC messages trying to say sorry and wanting to talk and fix things, saying i miss u etc and all the afc ****. 4 Weeks of writing her long messages about my feelings and asking her why she kissed another guy and if she was still mad and no reply from her. So i deleted her off fb and sent her a nice bye message.

She writes me saying why u delete me etc. i stupidly reply and we start writing again. she drags me in again and i know its bad. i dont want to be friends and she does. so then i block her and she gets aggressive. I have deleted her number, watsapp. fb blocked etc and i dont go on fb anymore as im trying to keep busy.

It has been officaly 5 days of NC. 55 more to go!!! Is it crazy that i have feelings and reli liked a girl i didnt actually go out with and nothing even happened between us ( not even a kiss i wish!!)?

 

[Purefilth]

It's called oneitis, you just need to collect options mate

 

[Thoma]

Been about a month. My oneitus rejected me in a way that I found rather shocking. My reaction was less than awesome and she removed me from FB. I'm following her on Pinterest so I get to see her pin stuff about how depressed and conflicted she is and how it's not worth it to focus on a guy in her past. On New Years Eve she's making posts like this even though she's with another guy (that she never mentioned, despite having plenty of chances to do so). Yesterday she pinned something that said you should just punch the guy who broke your heart. She's the one who rejected me! I unsubscribed from that yesterday and that's that.

I'm about 99% sure she was stringing me along, watching me improve my body (lost 73 pounds with another 45 to go) and grow in confidence. My career is taking off, I'm getting much better socially and I'm becoming quite the prize. I think she planned to wait a few more months and then make a play for me. I spoiled her plans by not wanting to wait. I didn't wait, because she's transferring within the company (Same city) out of our group in a few weeks.

I'm focusing on the weight loss and will likely stay single until April. I'm using this as motivation to show her what she's going to miss out on. I know our mutual friend has already set me up to try and get some dirt for her which was adorable, so she'll get to hear about it.

Having said that, I want to ask her why she had become so secretive about her love life. I want so badly to point out to her that she knew I was following her so she wanted me to know how she was feeling. I want to point out when all eyes were turning towards speakers in the room we were in, she would turn and lock eyes with me. I want to point out to her how she always chose seats so she could look at me. I just want her to be honest and admit that she wants me, or the future me.

But I can't, and I won't at least not anytime soon.

I'm considering taking another run at her in August of this year once I've got the kind of body I know she likes. However, I'm already seeing how some very attractive girls are reacting to me. Once I'm done with the weight loss, get my fashion right and keep improving myself, women shouldn't be too scarce. I might not have time to pursue her (I hope).

 

[SDM28]

First post here. After being dumped from a 3 year relationship, i spent a long time reading through every single page on here and decided to post myself.

I'm 20, my girl was 35 (Big age gap i know) And it was also a long distance relationship. Sounds like a complete recipie for fail but we made each other very happy. We never argued or fought and we was both extremely in love.

After her 35th birthday, she had a crisis. She felt like suddenly the age gap was a problem, that she was running out of time in her life and wanted to settle down with somebody. I couldn't settle down with her, we was very secret in our relationship. Her family didn't know and nor did mine. Suddenly she shut me out of her life completely and found a new man. I was destroyed by this, and after much difficulty i went 30 days no contact.

30 days in she contacted me and i spoke to her. She was crying to me saying she made a huge mistake. She also told me things i never expected - she couldn't pay rent and out of desperation of not being homeless she through herself at the first guy she found. She said they are in a loveless relationship, and that she is still madly in love with me. However she says she is trapped. She either has a home and stability with somebody she doesn't love, or risk losing everything, have no home and be with the person she really loves.

She says she has no options but to stay with this guy. She said she is so upset at what she's done and how shes treated me. She says she wants me so badly but cannot have me, since she has no money (Nor do i, still living with parents)

Everything tells me i need to back away for good, the age, the distance, what she's done. But im so hurt, i was in love with this girl. To think she's in a fake relationship and stuck there is something unbearable for me to take. Despite what shes done, it kills me seeing her like this. I asked her to leave him and sort something out, but she says she cannot go homeless. We phoned this afternoon and cried our eyes out to eachother for an hour, we said our good byes and that was it.

I'm struggling to live with it. I went 30 days NC before and felt a lot better. But this time, i know she's unhappy aswell. I don't know what to do. I love her so much and want her so badly, but cannot be 2nd to another guy.

Thanks for listening.

 

[lamobatsman]

It's called oneitis, you just need to collect options mate

i had options but i genuinely reli liked her. she was the only one i actually talked to properly and got to know. all teh others i ****ed but they were not as hot or/and i didnt get to know them more than just the sex.

so does that mean im stupid for having feelings and getting into this position pure filth? or its normal to reli like a girl like this by just chatting even though u have other options? i cud have had 20 girls on teh go but it still wudnt have made a difference u know?

 

[sadonomspa]

Day 18, going out with some Latin chicks tonight. Dont want to go but I am forcing myself.

Still thinking about her but cant keep the bad things constant! which sucks because I am just remembering the good.

 

[dosquito]

I haven't talked with her since the middle of the summer. I almost feel like friending her on facebook and asking if she's wants to talk...I've been more successful with girls lately but after having some prospects fall through I'm feeling a little down...What we had seemed good and I wonder if maybe she truly was afraid because she felt she was falling in love...But then again, if that's the case would she have let me go NC so easily? Our contact ended with her texting me to go jump in a lake if I didn't want to talk to her. I told her not to contact me again. In retrospect I handled the situation poorly and should have given her the talk she deserved...

 

[Skalioppe]

I've done the 60 NC days challenge before, felt cured, then bit by bit ended up back in contact with *her* again. Spent time with her, we were getting on, communicating a lot, even lent her some money to help her out of a tight spot (what a mug I was).

She invited me to visit to celebrate her birthday (a few days before it), bought her flowers, a lovely present (jewellery), expensive meal and paid for drinks all night - but she didn't seem very appreciative. Next day she was cold and snappy, she was laying next to me, I was tickling her for ages and she just laid there like a sack of spuds, cold. I asked her to tickle me and she point-blank refused. I just thought what an ungrateful b1tch. Told me she had to shoot off at about 2pm didn't say why, so I asked - turns out it was date. Then proceeded to put on the jewellery I'd bought her on ready for her date. That was the last straw! Am I justified to think that is out of order?

She texted later thanking me for coming etc., but I said she wasn't very welcoming (I was quite controlled), she said she was PMT and sorry, but I'm sorry that's not good enough to be impolite, so I ignored her for over a week. She texted me asking if I wasn't talking to her, then for the first time with her ever, let her have it angrily telling her I don't like rude, insensitive, ungrateful, users. She was shocked, never done it to her before. She apologised for upsetting me and suggested it might be better we don't see each other and even contact again but would pay my money back somehow. I was annoyed I'd lost my temper which was pent up, not cool, not controlled, and I hadn't explained why calmly. So I emailed her explaining why I said what I did, calmly spelling out why I thought that of her, her selfish ways, but nothing more - no counter to her "not see each other again" thing, no retraction of my opinion of her. She hasn't replied, acknowledging she was out of order and she's a b1tch, deliberate. That p1ssed me off. A female friend reckons it's because she's angry, as no-one likes being told their faults. I'm not so sure, I reckon it could be humbled shock.

So that's it, back NC again day 3. I have about 5 other plates spinning, some lovely women, fortunately I always do OK with women - but this b1tch is my nemesis, my Achilles heel - I have a major weakness for her. Aside from being stunning and having one of the best bodies I've ever seen, I think much of my attraction is down to her complexity, she's a manic depressive and I reckon also be BPD (a rare combination), she can be the loveliest person ever, but also the most evil b1tch known, yet she's intelligent and deep.

I'd welcome any thoughts on calling b1tches out on their rotten behaviour, and losing your temper. Is it the best way to make them realise the error of their ways or is it a pointless act?

 

[Dali_tx_o]

"I'd welcome any thoughts on calling b1tches out on their rotten behaviour, and losing your temper. Is it the best way to make them realise the error of their ways or is it a pointless act?"


From my experience, unless you are very close (either as friends or as a couple for awhile) and in very good terms, this will not do anything;

I remember telling one of my long time female friends (well, it's a long story, for some other time), when she was on a phase where was pretty much hitting on me again that I could not date her, ever. When she asked why, I tried to explain to her nicely that she's just too shallow and manipulative for me to be attracted to her. Boy, never have I seen such a shocked expression in anyones face before.

I think every girl thinks that she's a little princess, and doesn't matter what she does or how bad it is, she still somehow twists everything in her head so that she's same innocent girl and that whatever happens is not her fault. If someone calls her out during a fight or and argument, it's easy for her to simply say "Oh, he/she was just trying to hurt me because he was angry, I'm not really a shallow manipulative *****". The only way to actually get this thought through to her is when you two are getting along very well. Two things will happen -
a) Since there is no *perceived* reason for you to call her out on being rotten at the time, she will have to, for the first time of her life, think that maybe she's not as innocent as she thinks.
b) She will most likely hate you for shattering that illusion.


And even then, the odds of her changing are.. well, small, I'd say.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Day 50.

God help me.

 

[dosquito]

so I did end up sending her a facebook message. Probably not a good idea, but not the worst. I haven't seen her in months, anyway, and I'm not secretly hoping to have her back in my life. i Just felt ****ty about how things were left of and gave some closure in my message. Apparently she saw it last night according to facebook. I figure I really don't have anything to lose. If she doesn't reply to my message, then that's actually more than enough closure for me. If she does reply, who knows what could happen

 

[lamobatsman]

do you mind me asking what you sent her dosquito?

 

[dosquito]

I'm sure that it's quite "beta", but go ahead, if you're curious:

"Maybe it's the Winter frost that has me thinking of things I probably shouldn't be thinking of; thoughts I thought I'd put away.
Regardless, as I sit here and reflect, I simply cannot help but feel discontent about how things were resolved (or lack thereof...) between us.
I don't claim to know enough to judge your actions, but I know that my own actions did not adhere to the principles to which I hold myself and others. I want to apologize for that.
Foremost among my regrets is that I feel it was either hurtful or otherwise unfair that I did not accept your offer of closure when you offered to talk. By that point I had given up on the prospect of obtaining any real answers, but the situation warranted a more serious effort.
I still have many lessons left in life, and I'm sure you know that I can be a rather slow learner; but the lesson sticks. This was an important and valuable lesson for me.
Finally, I hope you know that I harbor no ill will toward you. Whatever your situation exactly was, I know that it must have been very confusing and stressful...
Well then... I thought you should know those things, at least. I'm sure there could be much more, but I think that this suffices.
-
Sincerely,
But one of your former suitors
[this was a reference to a text she sent me about how 'multiple people have confessed their love to her' over the summer]"

 

[lamobatsman]

I'm sure that it's quite "beta", but go ahead, if you're curious:

"Maybe it's the Winter frost that has me thinking of things I probably shouldn't be thinking of; thoughts I thought I'd put away.
Regardless, as I sit here and reflect, I simply cannot help but feel discontent about how things were resolved (or lack thereof...) between us.
I don't claim to know enough to judge your actions, but I know that my own actions did not adhere to the principles to which I hold myself and others. I want to apologize for that.
Foremost among my regrets is that I feel it was either hurtful or otherwise unfair that I did not accept your offer of closure when you offered to talk. By that point I had given up on the prospect of obtaining any real answers, but the situation warranted a more serious effort.
I still have many lessons left in life, and I'm sure you know that I can be a rather slow learner; but the lesson sticks. This was an important and valuable lesson for me.
Finally, I hope you know that I harbor no ill will toward you. Whatever your situation exactly was, I know that it must have been very confusing and stressful...
Well then... I thought you should know those things, at least. I'm sure there could be much more, but I think that this suffices.
-
Sincerely,
But one of your former suitors
[this was a reference to a text she sent me about how 'multiple people have confessed their love to her' over the summer]"

i think it may be beta but i dont care its nice. i sent quite a few beta messages of the sort but i never got any replies. they were nice messages likes the one u sent.
dont expect a reply. they dont care about u like u care about them. thats the cold hard truth.

what happened between you two? and who wanted closure? sorry im confused