The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Mr.Mac55]

I'm SO GLAD I found this forum! First post ever and let me tell you why - I was dumped today!

Girlfriend of 9 months. Great relationship. Had more ups than downs, great sex, but there was always an underlying feeling that it couldn't work long term (for reasons that no longer matter)....but today she basically gave me the "I'm not good enough for you speech" (over text no less) and how everyone in her life hates her and she doesn't want to drag me into her drama because I deserve the absolute best.....I probably made a few nice guy mistakes during that exchange (told her it made me sad, reassured her, blah blah blah). But in the end I told her I was going no contact until she felt like talking. Then I went dead silent. She didn't respond the rest of the day (All this took place around 10:00am). It's not 10:00pm and I just found this forum.

So now I shall embark on the No Contact challenge. Tomorrow will be Day 1. I already have a list of things I'm going to do with all my new spare time (and money.... haha)....funny thing is my birthday is within that 60 days and so was a trip to Florida we were planning to take. Not anymore!

well, I still get to have my birthday....

 

[Mr.Mac55]

Day 1

This is much harder than I thought it would be. Only 12:30pm but I haven't tried to make contact, nor will I. Radio silence from her. This will be the first time since I've known her, in 9 months, where we have not exchanged a single message. Spending my thoughts wondering what I did wrong, if she cheated, if she went back to an ex, just the overall WHY.....Also started chatting with a different gal which is definitely helping. Also trying to stay focused on the fact that we both KNEW this wouldn't work long term and that a breakup of this type was exactly how I wanted it to end. But since it has ended, the reality really hurts. Just a hard punch in the gut. Gonna hit the gym later, then dinner with family. If I can get through the day I'm hoping tomorrow will be easier.

 

[RonWithAnA]

Day 5 (I think): I ve been thinking mostly about the fact that I gave a piece of myself to her, and not really about her, and my small ego has been hurting about the fact that her gratitude might haven been false... but hey the hardest part of making a change for the better is starting.

 

[Mr.Mac55]

Day 2

More than 48 hours in and it's very, very tough to hold off on contacting her, especially since just yesterday she sent me an "I miss you!!" text. I have been so tempted to reply to it but don't really know what to say and know it will only lead into a spiral that takes me nowhere. I'm going to hold off.

This guy Brad Browning has a great video series on No Contact that's really helping, and he talked specifically about the "I miss you" text....

He talks about the "I miss you" text right here....

 

[Mr.Mac55]

Day 2 (Part II)

Not 10 minutes after I wrote that post she sent me a text saying she just read a recent article that I wrote and really liked it. She had to go out of her way to get this article, and had no idea it was even on my blog, which means she consciously visited my blog which means she is thinking about me and checking up on me. That makes it easier but also MUCH harder!!

 

[Mr.Mac55]

Day 2 (Part III)

Damn this girl. Making it hard for me!!

Blows up my phone with "Hello?" "Ok fine...." type **** because I wasn't responding to anything. Then asks me a legit question about something unresolved from last week that was fairly important. I debated ignoring this but realized not responding would make it worse so I sent back a short reply, sticking to the facts and that's it.

Figured that set me back all the way and got her back in her comfort zone of having her safety net until she replied with....."I miss you!!!"

No reply from me, yet I instantly felt the balance of power shift back to me. Went out and ran 5 miles, had my best run in a month, and now I'm gonna drink a beer and so some writing. I figure I should go back to Day 0 since I replied. My head's in a good place so I think I can start fresh tomorrow on Day 1.

 

[finality]

Day 3 or 4 or something like that. Broke up 3 weeks ago and then I spent 2 weeks dkingbti most cringeworthy stuff... telling her she was perfect...sending videos apologizing..then telling her I’m so heartbroken and damaged not to text me because I lost 15 pounds and can’t wait and am barely handing on...

Lol...it’s amaxing the pathetic things you do when you are in the situation.

When she broke up with me all I said was ok if that’s you feel then all the best..

Then she started to send out feelers and i lost all frame and became a puppy

She is already seeing someone intbink

Pretty much don’t see her ever in a million years reaching out after I lost frame like that so no need to even count the days of NC.

Hard hard hard learning lesson..I’ve been on this situation so many times but always lose me **** when a girl walks away..

I think it triggers some kind of abandonment issue or opens old wounds of an ex cheating on me because I become obsessed with finding out if there is another guy..there always is but you don’t want to believe

Anyways so of course I’m having irrational thoughts like..I’ll never like someone as much..I’m never going to get laid again..I should just end me life because I’m worthless...

I know in a year from now I’ll have my heart broke from a different chick but when youbate in this spot it’s never easy

 

[Murk]

Saw my ex again on Saturday in a club/rave. She was with some guy, seemed like friends and look so scared/paranoid to see me. My friend said she kept watching me and was close to me lot of times of the night but I was completely oblivious. Second time seeing her, actual words exchanged since January: 0.

I feel more over her than ever, even seeing her with guys had no impact, maybe if they were kissing or whatever... I dunno. I feel fine though, she looked ugly to me, drugged out of her mind with bloodshot eyes, no a good look. My friend went up to her and her friend while they sat, she told him to go away, I walked over and told my friend, to leave them alone, she couldn't even look me in the eye lol. I feel I won this battle. The previous time she followed me to that event but I didn't end up going, she clung to my friends all night forcing me to pen a harsh email telling her to back off. She reacted angrily and defensive and now cold shoulders my friend.

*****.

 

[Murk]

Hi Reykel

 

[Soflobro#3]

Ok you may have seen in my thread, my ex has made contact with my friends 2 weekends in a row (while I haven't been there) - it's thrown my head out of whack.

I can't stop thinking about her now, I actually despise her though and would never want to get back with her.

I feel the same way. I did lot of wrong sh1t in my last relationship, but in the end she jerked me around emotionally hard. I mean she was kind of just a b1tch sometimes in general, but she did take care of me and let me use her car, ect.

Something happened though after I moved out. I'm not sure if I was hacked or what, but some people were ****ing with me. I'm not sure if she had anything to do with it, but she at least knew and didn't warn me or tell me. Because of this I have no remorse and I honestly i felt so angry at times i wanted to.put a bullet in her head. She is very lucky I didn't do something crazy.

I don't care what I did wrong in the past because the way she treated me the last couple months and her not warning me is betrayal and far worse than anything I did.

At this point she deserved everything I did to her, because you know what? She was kind of a negative, bad attitude, disrespectful b1tch that would withold love and affection and disrespect me and say "if you don't Iike it leave". No wonder why i ended up getting fvcked up all the time. She knew I went to Florida for rehab and was homeless before.

And when she asked me to move out because her parents were coming to visit and she didn't want them to meet me, and I just said ok, and I looked at places, found one, and put a deposit down, and I didn't tell her anything because she wouldn't even talk to me or look at me, when she found out two days before I left that I was indeed leaving, she all of a sudden acted interested in me and like she cared and had feelings again.

This stupid cvnt. She made me feel worthless. My confidence was shot. I was so unhappy and hurt, then she was telling me that I didn't have to leave because her mom had to take her dad to the hospital. When I said I'm leaving anyways she suggested I don't move so far, that there are apartments right around the corner from her. I thought this b1tch is out of her crack smoking mind.

Women like this deserve to be fvcking choke slammed. I have no remorse for anything I did, and honestly I was to knock her the fvck out. I don't give a fvck. She had a huge upper hand that whole relationship and she used it to torment me sometimes and then act like I'm bad.

B1tch i dont give a fvck what you did for me, or how much money you invested because when you start disrespecting me, and throwing up a wall for no reason, gaslighting me, then fvck you. I now am justified in not respecting your feelings or property, and Taking advantage of the whole situation.

You think you can be mean and spiteful? I'll fvcking show you the meaning of cruel, you illiterate hood rat.

She never really withheld sex from me though. When she was being emotionally cruel I didn't even want to fvck her, I would just not even try. She push and pulled me hard, sometimes I did it too.

Fvck that b1tch. My only mistake was not working on myself and dating other women to soften the blow of the break up. I should have cheated on her tbh. Women who are sneaky, and try to manipulate you emotionally because you allow yourself to get attached deserve to be treated like sh1t and used. NEVER feel guilty because i promise you, if she ever acts b1tch she is doing something sneaky even if not cheating.

Treat these women however you feel like and don't show any remorse. Assume she did you or is doing you wrong. That b1tch is lucky I don't want to get locked up. Real lucky.

Most women in this post modern DECAYING society where feminism is the norm and accepted by society, are trash human beings.

 

[Soflobro#3]

Not true. At all. Most humans in no offense are pretty trash. They lack a true north and moral compass. Keep looking. There are GREAT google out there

I mean i made mistakes too. I didn't do sh1t for like the first 6 months I lived with her. But I fell back into addiction, and she would subtly put me down, or just give me random silent treatment. Im a very affectionate person and I don't act petty or passive aggressive. I'm fun loving, ****y, humble and I'm great in bed. She would always cvm. More than once and be snoring withing a few minutes after.

But something was weird about her. Even her brother told me once "we have had to put up with her smart a$$ mouth for years" and "s isn't the hold your hand and walk through the park type of girl, she is a love you from a distance type of girl" she even told me once that she and her Brazilian best friend are. Sometimes mean or not good. Girlfriends I'm terms of like they will sometimes reject your affection, or basically little b1tch behavior like this. She had to have known what she was doing and how it affected the other person.

She claimed her babys daddy, her last ex, stole like 30k from her for drugs, tried to rape her, and she had him locked up and ran to another state. The dude came looking for her, broke her parents windshield and stalked around her families homes looking for her.

I can understand why he would be resentful and maybe snap like that, even if he was wrong. Women like this choose men who are in an insecure point in life and antagonize them and fvck with their heads.no one should be putting their hands on anyone else in general, but women like this deserve to get hit if they behave this way. They are emotionally abusive vampires, they try to upset you and cause you pain. This is why i say we shouldn't act so horrified everytime we hear about a man hitting a woman.

I even watch this woman emotionally abuse her son. I even tried to talk to her about it, but she seems unable to control herself or change. That boy is going to have real major issues with women when he grows up. He's going to be a major nice guy who will get probably used because his mother was so domineering and push and pulled him / ignore so much. He is 14 and doesn't know better. He was sheltered and never had many friends or social interaction outside of school.

The next guy will probably beat her bad, because she won't go for a guy who has success and is financially secure.

She was lucky to even meet me, because im attractive, but I was poor as fvck and struggling when I met her. When I left her I just hadess happiness and confidence.

I doubt she cheated because she was still doing me favors after I moved out and financed a phone for me and paid the bill.

Shes probably alone again, just like when I met her. Her family used to always bug her about dating and were surprised when she met me. I mean she got burned by me too, but I don't give a fvck.

 

[Mds29]

One week in now. Our last correspondence was her asking "how did the eagles lose to the buccaneers". I put my phone on airplane mode, read the message, then deleted it. So it still appears that I haven't even opened it to her. Maybe that was childish, but idc. I miss talking to her but it was unsustainable, I would have just been put in her orbit and taken for granted. Each day is easier though, naturally I wonder if she misses me or if she is getting anxiety. Probably not, but I don't care anymore.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 8

A week since we split. Her choice. My fault. Not rectifiable in a reasonable period of time so have to write this one off and hope for the best somewhere down the line. Few major things to work on but solid plan ahead.

Expecting this to be one of maybe five posts in the next 60 days. Always best to just live your life. Writing daily posts as if you're on the road to recovery only perpetuates a victim mentality. We aren't victims.

As much as I'd like to reach out I'm rational enough to recognise it wouldn't help at this stage. I already pleaded my case on day 1, apologising for being an *******s, etc. She didn't accept it. Fair play to her I suppose. When I apoligise for poor behabiour only repeat the same thing the next week it makes sense you'd give up. She made the right choice for her given the objective facts. The funny thing is I actually think this is the big one. The call to action that ironically will see me becoming the man she would have wanted. Im confident. Dont want to go into too much detail but its very likely ill have these kinks worked out by this time next year. Only thing that could make this work again is time and the reality is we will probably have met other people by the time we might have been open to giving things another go.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 11

Ups and downs throughout last few days but generally content and optimistic of the future. Forward planning always energises me.

Hooked up with first plate since the breakup tonight. HB7. Another Italian. Mind automatically compares every girl I date to the ex HB8.5 but it's hard to be objective at this point as I am likely underrating other plates and overrating my ex due to the inevitable onitis that sets into a monogamous LTR. Trick to get over the hump is to spin plates and emotionally invest in other women, which takes the ex of the pedestal.

The next 4 to 5 months are the best for finding women. All my best LTRs have come through women I met in the last 3 months of the year. Have more attention from women than slots available but the quality isn't there. My plan is to keep a steady rotation of the 3 hottest at any one time and just keep upgrading until I find someone cool who is atleast as attractive as my ex. As long as I keep smashing salsa, going out and hitting tinder I'll eventually find someone on that level.

 

[DirtBagAFC]

Make a long story short. Married 22 years. She told me she wanted a divorce for the nth time. I left her with two kids 14 and 16 on April 27, 2018. She filed May 10, 2018. May came with email/text insults directed my way and I responded with a few windy emails basically saying that we are adults, we both choose each other, and we should walk away maturely. All conversations were terse from my pov and attacking from hers as divorce mediation developed. Divorce finalized Sept 13, 2018. All conversations are terse from me and waiting from her. She wants to know where I am in the domestic orders. She wants money. She wants to punish me. I have until 11/13/2018 to fulfill legal agreements. As of 10/5/2018 my agreements have been meet. I started no contact 10/5/2018. She has emailed twice. I never want to talk to that ***** again.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 16

Acceptance. I have never felt like this during NC, which reflects the growth I've made since joining this site 10 years ago. I don't care about my ex. I don't care about finding a hotter girl, which really was only a means to address a bruised ego from being dumped. This thinking only led to outcome dependence and wasn't addressing the fundamentals. How I see myself. Beautiful women will come and go from my life. This can not be a concern.

My aim over the next few months is to remember my ex and think "her loss" and genuinely believe it 100% of the time, not just after pumping myself up with some affirmations and podcasts. That means internalising an extreme level of confidence, which takes time, practice, replacing old debilitating beliefs with new transformative ones and repeating and cementing these methods of thinking and beliefs over months and years. I want to believe I am the prize for myself.

To paraphrase Jophil, "my self value is my raison d'etre".

It's not to say I don't need to change or grow. Of course I do. But it needs to be done for myself, not to become a better Ken doll for the next chick. I have no intention of ever contacting my ex again and that is something I've never had the strength of conviction and frame to declare so quickly after a breakup before. Feels good.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 19

Great weekend. Do miss the ex from time to time but more the memories and the good times than anything else. Reality is she no longer gives a crap about me and I'm ok with that. She disregarded my feelings and doesn't see the value I know I have so she really isn't worth thinking about or even acknowledging as a problem. Disdain things you cannot have. Ignoring them is the best revenge.

Seeing a new Italian chick, a former aerobic gymnasts champion. I kid you not. She was doing things in the bedroom I've never seen before. Her flexibility is outrageous. She isn't as physically attractive as my ex but the sex is far better with this new plate. Like banging a pornstar. Hooked up on Friday and then again on Sunday so we've had four dates now and I've fvcked her three times. Bedding beautiful women definitely helps with the inevitable oneitis you develop within an LTR. I am lucky that my spidey senses were tingling in the last few weeks of my LTR so I started innocently talking to a few other girls including this gymnast.

Our first date was three days after the breakup and I absolutely didn't want to be there. All I could see was how different she was from my ex and so for this reason I wasn't attracted to her at all initially. It wasn't until the end of the date when I kissed her that I thought something might be there. First few days after the breakup I literally had eyes for no one else but the ex. But push through it gents. Force yourself to go on those dates. It may take a few weeks but as long you don't compromise on your standards you will find yourself attracted to these new chicks just as intensely, once the post-breakup fog clears.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 20

Has been by far the easiest break up I've experienced, although quite difficult in the first few days. I have almost no negativity towards the situation anymore and I'm actually grateful for the opportunity to get some space and work on myself. What has really helped was:

• Allowing myself to grieve in the first few days. I legit shed tears
• Lifting constantly
• Meditating atleast once a day
• Directly working on the issues that led to her breaking up with me through self help cognitive behavioural techniques and weekly therapy. This really helped with the ego because I no longer see it as her leaving me but instead the person that I used to be, not the better version of myself I am developing into
• Reframing situations as positive
• Daily affirmations
• Going gung ho on relationships with family and friends. I've been speaking to my parents, siblings and friends much more regularly than usual basically replacing my ex
• Pursuing hobbies like salsa and language learning
• And of course spinning plates as soon as possible even through the pain and numbness of the first week or so. I am reaping the benefits and managed to meet a great girl who is actually better than my ex in a lot ways. I also have multiple other girls lined up over the next few weeks so this is shaping up to be a great month. My intention is to be sexually non exclusive for the next 12 month's regardless

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 21

Just a note on reframing and how it worked for me. My thought process works as follows:

• I recognise that I have incredible value while acknowledging a continuous necessity to better myself personally, mentally and financially. I’m not improving myself in order to be a better Ken doll to these Barbies but because life is brilliant when you have a positive attitude, great social skills, an awesome network of friends and money to fly around the world and enjoy the finest things in life.
• Even if she felt she had a legitimate reason to leave, this is no longer a reflection of who you are now and who you will be in the future. What happened in the past is done. Take an honest look at yourself, acknowledge any flaws, learn from it and grow.
• It is a shame she wasn’t able to see your value or potential, because if she had she wouldn’t have left, but it’s for the best. You only want to be with woman that genuinely recognise your true capabilities and LOVE the idea of being with you because of this. I don’t even like my tea lukewarm, let alone my women.
• Someone’s opinion of you does not have to become your reality.
• She is free to come back and hop on the BeTheChange growth train any time she chooses but there’s only so many passengers the train can hold and if she doesn’t buy a ticket then some other lucky lady will

This last point is really important. When I broke up with my ex briefly back in June I talked through it with my cousin. I mentioned she met me only two weeks after moving to the UK and he said “wow, she’s pretty lucky she found someone like you that quickly”. It wasn’t said in an artificial or non-authentic way, but more like a nonchalant afterthought. He had looked at her and what she was doing with her life and mentally made the same comparison with me and had not even considered the possibility of me being the fortunate one in this relationship. He saw something that I had failed to see in myself by the end. That I was “the prize”. I didn’t believe it when things ended again three weeks ago otherwise why would I have spent two days trying to convince her to stay with me. But it’s true. There are more women like her than there are guys like me. That is a fact. If she doesn’t see it that’s her problem, not yours. I am internalising this prize mentality now and I look back on those days like I was crazy. It’s actually insane when you think about it. Why should I have to convince her to be with me??!! If you gave someone a million dollars would you need to convince them to take it?? High value people know their worth and behave accordingly.

We preach “Be the Prize” so much on this website but genuinely internalising this belief is paramount to one’s success and should be the focus, before anything else. Thankfully I am moving further towards this state and it feels great.

 

[Spaz]

Make a long story short. Married 22 years. She told me she wanted a divorce for the nth time. I left her with two kids 14 and 16 on April 27, 2018. She filed May 10, 2018. May came with email/text insults directed my way and I responded with a few windy emails basically saying that we are adults, we both choose each other, and we should walk away maturely. All conversations were terse from my pov and attacking from hers as divorce mediation developed. Divorce finalized Sept 13, 2018. All conversations are terse from me and waiting from her. She wants to know where I am in the domestic orders. She wants money. She wants to punish me. I have until 11/13/2018 to fulfill legal agreements. As of 10/5/2018 my agreements have been meet. I started no contact 10/5/2018. She has emailed twice. I never want to talk to that ***** again.

You should open a thread in the mature section.

And get some advice from the gents there or just to let out some steam.