The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jrbak7]

Cold

Yeah that's some cold stuff buddy. It sounds like you're doing better. So nice to know we have each other through this.

I think I'll just hold on to it for now. Her current setup only lasts a year. It's in the basement with my tools and I'm not working on any projects. So I won't be down there anytime soon. I'm already at the "big man" point. And if she ever asks for it back I'll let my roommate handle that dialogue. He was pissed to keep it anyway, and even more so knowing how it's played out.15 days in and I feel like I could see her and not be devastated. I realize I deserve so much more in life than to be a doormat. I'm actually holding the letter in case she ever contacts me. I don't want her to hurt, so I wrote some nice things in there. But, I won't be exchanging any words with her. If she reads that letter and still reaches out for some contact I'll probably cave. But, that's me. I care too much about people, even ones that are toxic and selfish. I'm a rescuer, I've always wanted to help people. And in relationships like this, it ends up burning me.

I just can't wait until day 60. I'm confident that I'll be in a much better place then. I know I will never be with her again. I have 0 interest in that. Unless I know absolutely that she's changed. And guess what, looks like a duck, quack quack. She's not changing anytime soon. She's just going to keep playing the victim and leaving helpless men in the ashes. I was such a "bad BF" bc I didn't cater to her every *** **** wish. Bishes be difficult. It's not like I have a job and dog and other responsibilities to balance. <drops mic>

 

[Lozboss]

Yeah that's some cold stuff buddy. It sounds like you're doing better. So nice to know we have each other through this.

I think I'll just hold on to it for now. Her current setup only lasts a year. It's in the basement with my tools and I'm not working on any projects. So I won't be down there anytime soon. I'm already at the "big man" point. And if she ever asks for it back I'll let my roommate handle that dialogue. He was pissed to keep it anyway, and even more so knowing how it's played out.15 days in and I feel like I could see her and not be devastated. I realize I deserve so much more in life than to be a doormat. I'm actually holding the letter in case she ever contacts me. I don't want her to hurt, so I wrote some nice things in there. But, I won't be exchanging any words with her. If she reads that letter and still reaches out for some contact I'll probably cave. But, that's me. I care too much about people, even ones that are toxic and selfish. I'm a rescuer, I've always wanted to help people. And in relationships like this, it ends up burning me.

I just can't wait until day 60. I'm confident that I'll be in a much better place then. I know I will never be with her again. I have 0 interest in that. Unless I know absolutely that she's changed. And guess what, looks like a duck, quack quack. She's not changing anytime soon. She's just going to keep playing the victim and leaving helpless men in the ashes. I was such a "bad BF" bc I didn't cater to her every *** **** wish. Bishes be difficult. It's not like I have a job and dog and other responsibilities to balance. <drops mic>

You need to read: No more Mr nice guy by Rob Glover.

I made the same mistake- you can't be anyone's saviour or emotional tampon. Supportive is fine but if you try to be their therapist then you'll destroy your relationship.

 

[Cejay]

+100 on reading "No more Mr nice guy" by Rob Glover.

You are not responsible for her feelings, she is. (One of the things I learned when I read it. )

CJ.

 

[Jrbak7]

I hear you. I'm going to read that for sure. I really don't see harm in holding on to it though. I know that my roommate will take care of it when the time comes. All I have to say is that I can't deal with it, and he'll step up and mail it, with a personal heap of poo in it. Lol. I wouldn't let that happen, bigger man! but a few friends jokingly said we should **** in a box and mail it. Haha.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 16

I'm doing better with each day. I think having this forum gives me a designated grieving time. So my grieving doesn't interfere with work. The only time I can't Concentrate is when I'm at the gym.

I went to dinner with my roommate and his gf last night. We talked much more candidly about it. They both told me that they're sure we'll talk in many months, due to the social situation and shared friends and her insecurities. But that they are really hoping that if she does reach out I ignore her completely. They said they're seeing progress and challenged me not to bring it up for a week. That might help.

Today on the way to work I cried when I heard a song that reminded me of her. But it was a different grief. I sang along, changing all the words we used to change. And then at the end I cried for maybe 30 seconds, it all washed away and I smiled. I'm doing much better. It helps that I've been through this a couple times before. I've always heard you have to have your heart broken 3 times, and you have to break 3 yourself before you're truly ready for the commitment of pair bonding. This makes 3!

Going to keep spinning plates and enjoying my free time. I'm so busy now that I have no idea how I had a gf before. I literally wake up, go to work, come home do chores or activities all night. Then call it a day. Where did she fit in?!

How's everybody else doing? Stay strong!

 

[Cejay]

Solid post/thoughts JRbak.

Women kick our asses at this type of recovery because they have emotional support groups set up and have it engrained to talk about their feelings. We don't (usually.)

On time, I found this too, women take a lot of time and energy. Its easy to make chasing them or having them the focus of your life. Avoid this mistake.

I don't think there's any harm in keeping her stuff for a bit as long as it does not remind you of, or cause you to think of her.

I do think you should talk to someone or some people (here then?) as much as you feel that you need to but don't obsess.

In my case, the past few days I found my thoughts drifting to my ex and consciously pushed them out. They are unproductive and pointless. Lead your mind.

Keep going.

CJ.

 

[Lozboss]

I'm struggling today- having three weeks off means I'm invariably not as busy as I would be.

Not tempted to get in touch. Just a feeling of sadness that she hasn't tried to contact me in 6 weeks. I can't and won't rationalize why she might have not got in touch as I'll never know.

 

[Spinach]

Will

 

[Lozboss]

Will be a year in a couple weeks. Must say that waves of memories and jealousy continue to sweep into my mind on almost a daily basis. Time heals, but the scars remain and run deep. I guess it is like grieving the death of a loved one....as in truth she moved on within 2 weeks of stating she was not going to invest more time and emotion in to our relationship. Her daughter is to be married in October...I was going to walk her down the aisle. I am afraid the pain will continue as long as I exist. Sad but true.

Spinach you need to realize that connections are never lost but they dwindle.

You need to look at it positively as hard as that is.

My view- take it or leave it:

From reading your posts your sadness comes from not having someone in your life. This scarcity mindset and the fact that you aren't happy alone is killing you.

You need to realize that you WILL find someone, it doesn't happen overnight and it may take years before you find the right person to commit to long term. In the meantime you need to concentrate on your life and enjoying it.

 

[Spinach]

Thank you for the reply. Your words speak wisdom.

 

[Jrbak7]

Scarcity mentality is a terrible thing to have. You need to figure out if you miss her or the idea of her. I agree that it stinks to lose a sense of family. I've never had that in a relationship until this one. I miss her dog like crazy, she was the greatest dog in the world. But you have to know that the dog will move on. It will be fulfilled, and that gives me peace. So. After a year. Do you still miss HER? Or are you lonely? There's an easy solution to lonely. Learn how to meet new women. Some have natural talent, if that's not you, then give it your best and get used to rejection. As cold as it sounds, practice makes perfect and you can get better at making friends. And granted you might only be able to give these new plates 60% of your mental and emotional self. But if you're patient, you'll find the greatest women in the world. If someone takes you at 60%, then they understand the meaning of love. Love isn't about what somebody else does for you, it all about giving yourself completely to your complement. So many people wonder why they can't find love, and it's because they don't love themselves. If you practice self-love and better yourself, then women will throw themselves at you.

Also. Pick up a hobby. Aka better yourself. I've found that reading occupies my mind and I can't think about her when I read. I want to learn to play guitar, but that's a bit harder than reading. lol. 16 days in with no contact. I'm ok with not being with her forever. The part that hurts is not knowing if she'll ever contact me. But, do you really want a self absorbed, selfish person in your life. They might make you feel good now, but the hurt afterward is too real. When you give them yourself and they throw that away, that's not easy. Don't be a victim, get better by choice, and meet the woman of your dreams. Best of luck spinach! We're here for you buddy!

 

[Spinach]

Appreciate

 

[Jrbak7]

6 years is a long time. After reading that and knowing what I posted I felt a little insensitive. Sorry buddy. Just stay strong. It will get better. The no contact from her will be helpful!

As for me, I really have no idea what my ex is thinking during this time. I know we're both dating, I'm assuming she's sleeping with someone. I have been. And she was super needy and had some emotional issues. So it's really hard to predict what happens next. I'm just letting go of the wheel and focusing on me. Everyone familiar with us and our situation seems to think she'll resurface at some point. They all also hope that I don't even respond if she does. This includes some of her friends as well. They didn't like that I put up with her ****. I think that's a huge indicator. If you're own friends think I could do better and deserve to be treated better, hint hint. Some women make us powerless, I'm hoping time heals that.

 

[bathman]

6 years is a long time. I wish you well with the loss. I too lost the love of my life a little over a year ago. My sole mat, my love, my world. At least your ex is still alive, mine took their own life. No note, no phone call, just no more. I would rather have the knowledge of being told that I'm an ass or that they no longer want to invest any emotion or time in the relationship versus the unknown reasoning why.... The ultimate way to end a relationship... Does time really heal all wounds? I doubt. We were also together for 6 years, we were to wed...

 

[Spinach]

Sorry for your loss. Makes all I said rather shallow. I wish you well.

 

[Jrbak7]

Day 17

Today sucks. I had awful dreams last night. I can't decide what part of the DABDA Cycle I'm in anymore. I experience anger, then I exercise and feel decent but emotionally am depressed. I know I'm done bargaining. I gave her one phone call and a chance to redecide. After that, I've maintained complete nc. But then that nc has me in denial. "Do you bro, you didn't harass her, you asked for 15 minutes to discuss what happened. She'll respect that and your ability to move on." And then I turn that thought into, "just give it 6 months" and you can test the waters.

She's gone guys. It's better for me. I can't be angry. She took advantage of me, and that's my fault. I didn't treat her perfectly at the end and there was a lot of fighting. In order for us to coexist, we'd both need to do a lot of growing. I've learned from this and I realize people rarely change. She'll always have her insecurities that I couldn't conquer. So for that reason, I have to know that my confidence will lead me to bigger and better places.

Saddest thing ever put on this forum. I don't think about her when I'm jerk it anymore. I stopped all together because I was watching old clips and pics of us. Deleted all that crap and stopped all together. Now that I'm spinning plates I'm getting through the sexual issues. I just hope I can handle this without hurting some of these plates that seem more interested in serious relationships. Clearly not ready for that.

My life goals will still be accomplished! just gotta find someone that shares those same goals. And can push me in the right way.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Jrbak7]

Bathman. I'm sorry buddy. That can't be easy. If you need anything we're all ears. You can get through it! Stay positive!

 

[Cejay]

Good points. Thanks for the perspective bathman.

CJ.

6 years is a long time. I wish you well with the loss. I too lost the love of my life a little over a year ago. My sole mat, my love, my world. At least your ex is still alive, mine took their own life. No note, no phone call, just no more. I would rather have the knowledge of being told that I'm an ass or that they no longer want to invest any emotion or time in the relationship versus the unknown reasoning why.... The ultimate way to end a relationship... Does time really heal all wounds? I doubt. We were also together for 6 years, we were to wed...

 

[Cejay]

JRBak,

Getting over an Ex is really "funny." I was over my Ex wife pretty quick but this Ex GF is a doosey.


I've been struggling again, and did some reading last night. This helped me. http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/finally-get-ex-even-feels-impossible-hesaid/

Its all decent, but its the last point that really helped. I recommend giving it a read and some thought.

Here's what it lead me to:

I miss my ex gf and I couldn't put my finger on why I am having such a hard time getting over her.
I realized that it was how she treated me and made me feel. Now the point I'm suggesting to you says "make yourself feel that way" and I can't, but its really helpful for me to have figured that out. Now I know more about what I'm looking for in my next LTR partner.

It also means I'm going to be dropping a plate (and searching for a better replacement.)

I'm past my 60 days. I am tempted to email or text asking if she would like to discuss things and seeing if we can work them out. However our main issue (I'm not a church guy - but I am assuming she told me the truth, she may not have) remains so the reality is that I would be setting myself up to be rejected again, or, to get hurt again if we resume. There are plenty of guys here who have gotten back with the Ex only to have it go up in flames again.

Every situation is different though - or is it really?

The other part that helps me not contact her is picturing what the next step would be like if she actually said "OK." How would I feel about that? Do I really want that? What would that first date be like?

I'm not sure I do because it won't just be the same. Thats when the negative issues I saw in our relationship re-appear in my mind and that is very important. They need to be recognized and used, when I start to miss her, which I do.

I don't miss HER though, I miss having someone in my life who was like her. There are other women who will treat me like that and make me feel that way, I just need to find her.

Hope that helps.

CJ.

Today sucks. I had awful dreams last night. I can't decide what part of the DABDA Cycle I'm in anymore. I experience anger, then I exercise and feel decent but emotionally am depressed. I know I'm done bargaining. I gave her one phone call and a chance to redecide. After that, I've maintained complete nc. But then that nc has me in denial. "Do you bro, you didn't harass her, you asked for 15 minutes to discuss what happened. She'll respect that and your ability to move on." And then I turn that thought into, "just give it 6 months" and you can test the waters.

She's gone guys. It's better for me. I can't be angry. She took advantage of me, and that's my fault. I didn't treat her perfectly at the end and there was a lot of fighting. In order for us to coexist, we'd both need to do a lot of growing. I've learned from this and I realize people rarely change. She'll always have her insecurities that I couldn't conquer. So for that reason, I have to know that my confidence will lead me to bigger and better places.

Saddest thing ever put on this forum. I don't think about her when I'm jerk it anymore. I stopped all together because I was watching old clips and pics of us. Deleted all that crap and stopped all together. Now that I'm spinning plates I'm getting through the sexual issues. I just hope I can handle this without hurting some of these plates that seem more interested in serious relationships. Clearly not ready for that.

My life goals will still be accomplished! just gotta find someone that shares those same goals. And can push me in the right way.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Cejay]

Update

Alright, I have it together. I don't know what came over me. Seems like every time I get really busy with work, and don't think of her, when I return home (I live and work alone) I get hit with a lot of emotions.

More good reading:

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advi...-call-the-ex-stop-drop-and-roll/#.VcOAOyZVhBc

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...ct-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion


Anyways, I have it together. I did not contact her and I do not want her back.

My divorce papers came in today (not the same ex). Woo hoo.

Dropping that other plate and I have a date with a new chick Friday.

Life is good. Back to improvement goals.

CJ.