Got back from date. No sex, not even a kiss.
We had the best time racing the go-karts, she bought us coffee, I made a lot of DHV, some kino
Suggested we move to my place to laugh at our exes and watch a movie (thanks, beatjunkie), she said she must go home and babysit her brother later (whatever)
We were walking, I suddenly stopped her and told her to close her eyes. She said "I know what you're gonna do!" - I asked her what, she said "you want to kiss me", then I said "like this?" and started pulling her only to receive a rejection. Well, at least she was nice about it.
Afterwards, some more DHVs and kino - I did the whole kissing fingers magic trick and she seemed very uncomfortable to kiss me so I asked her if she's nervous because of me. She said she's still not over her ex and she doesn't want to confuse me. I told her I'm a big boy and won't get hurt that easily. She said she would like to move slowly. I told her that if we move slowly I'm afraid that she might fall into
my friendzone.
The 3rd time she was looking at me licking her lips, her body facing me while mine was turned outwards and looked disinterested so I asked her "do you want to kiss me?" to which she responded "I don't know" and then I said "let's find out" and then she goes again about her ex and confusion.
Don't blame me for over-verbalizing the kiss thing, I did give it a few more tries but it just felt awkward. I wasn't even that nervous.
**** THIS ****. Why my ex is such a ****ing slut that goes and sleeps with anyone a second after we break up, and I can't even pull a girl that is HIGHLY INTERESTED ?!!!!
This is the first time I got rejected in a date. I feel like I'm broken, emotionally. Ex is on my mind 24/7...I don't even know what I want anymore. Such a helpless feeling.
Today is our 4 years anniversary, I can't stop but thinking of her even if I know it's ****ING BAD and unproductive.
I can't deal with rejection. I can't deal with loss. I feel alone all the time. I even try to get sympathy from strangers (whatever I'm doing right now!), no ****ing wonder she left me, GOD DAMMIT I feel like such a LOSER it's making me wanna cry like a little *****. I just need to talk to somebody.
End of day 15 and the beginning of a sleepless night