Well, would you look at that...didn't think you were still around.
I appreciate the reply, and it's funny you mention just "dropping it all" because my mom keeps saying she thinks that's what I, and to a lesser extent, my brother, could use. That's also why I was considering visiting parts of Miami or Arizona around my birthday a few months ago to try and get a feel for whether I would like to live there. The problem I see with this is that I don't have a plan...like yeah maybe that's the point but USUALLY people at least have some sort of job lined up so they know they'll be able to eat and can afford rent or something. I find her approach a bit romantic, but maybe unrealistic. What I will say is I don't think I'll be far outside my comfort zone when it comes to meeting women and making new friends, since most of that happens cold or by association at the gym anyway.
What I'm excited about right now is actually the garage flooring business...because if I can absolutely kill it...I can make good money with that. I already know how to reach commercial entities and businesses because I had to do that for my email campaigns, so I'm thinking I might be able to tweak that to get more commercial rather than residential clients - since that 10% commission applies the same. I think I mentioned the other sales guy got $3,800 in commission for one job at a wedding hall. If I can get something like that or MULTIPLE somethings like that, I'd be making almost half of what I made all year working for the marijuana spot, each and every job.
But yes, the fact that I'm in this position still does grind away at me. I remember talking to my parents when I first moved back and told them in October how I thought I would be moved back out and working somewhere by Spring...and now it's years later...
I do post in my journal from time to time - it's a good read, should you have the patience.
I just so happened to browse the forum and see your journal pop up for the first time in 8 years, so.
The thing about the plan is that it doesn't reveal itself to you before you commit.
Moreover, leave the country, not just your state.
Because then you don't need a plan or a job lined up. Worst case you work at a hostel for food and lodging.
The only risk is that of not being able to let go of old desires and expectations, of refusing to receive what's being given to you.
What's the bigger risk?
To uproot yourself and plant yourself anew,
or to double down on the same efforts that got you here?
In your own words you say that you don't want to rely on other people, but what I'm hearing is that you want to go into another commission business, all of which you have been tirelessly disappointed by your reliance on other people that you have no relationship with.
I'm not pushing the "moving away thing" too hard, but it's a theme in your life, being in Delaware and doing your thing.
I just wonder what'll happen to you when your beauty falters and the ground that you've built for yourself falls apart.
Because it will. And by that point you better either be equanimous, ready to grieve, or have built another sandcastle to hold you up.
But I feel like I understand the big picture of why you make the choices you make.
There are two quick ways out of your situation, and they are either a big success or a relinquishing of your efforts and admitting defeat.
Defeat, my Defeat, my solitude and my aloofness;
You are dearer to me than a thousand triumphs,
And sweeter to my heart than all world-glory.
Defeat, my Defeat, my self-knowledge and my defiance,
Through you I know that I am yet young and swift of foot
And not to be trapped by withering laurels.
And in you I have found aloneness
And the joy of being shunned and scorned.
Defeat, my Defeat, my shining sword and shield,
In your eyes I have read
That to be enthroned is to be enslaved,
And to be understood is to be leveled down,
And to be grasped is but to reach one’s fullness
And like a ripe fruit to fall and be consumed.
Defeat, my Defeat, my bold companion,
You shall hear my songs and my cries and my silences,
And none but you shall speak to me of the beating of wings,
And urging of seas,
And of mountains that burn in the night,
And you alone shall climb my steep and rocky soul.
Defeat, my Defeat, my deathless courage,
You and I shall laugh together with the storm,
And together we shall dig graves for all that die in us,
And we shall stand in the sun with a will,
And we shall be dangerous.