So I have a wife and kids...

[Heynow999]

To be brief

Married 14 years, two boys under 10. Our relationship has become more like brother and sister rather than husband and wife. She is not interested in sex. Reluctantly does it but tells me to go out and get a girlfriend. So I am going to. I am not going to announce it and will keep it low key. I have a job that requires overnight trips occaisionally and late nights often and I often just go out on my own so I can make time for this.

I have actually started to do this a bit and went on an overnight trip with a women I met, but it has not panned out. I was upfront with her about my home situation, she did not say how she felt about it but she lives with a BF and that stopped her.

I am not leaving my wife. My prime concern is my two boys and maintaining a somewhat normal home life for them. I would leave my wife for another woman, but that means I would have to leave my kids, and I won't do that.

Any suggestions on how to spin this story to women as I met them? I have an ad on POF and I have been chatting with several women and should be meeting some soon.

thanks

 

[Albatross953]

Why not game your wife? I have some experience with this topic. Its a rough road you are turning onto.

 

[grayclif]

Why not game your wife? I have some experience with this topic. Its a rough road you are turning onto.

http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

 

[Desdinova]

I can't guide you on what you should and shouldn't do with your marriage, as it's entirely up to you. Personally, I think the best method is to end it yourself and get a separation agreement done up ASAP.

But if you think that you need a little fun on the side, get this free e-book. Not only does it follow a lot of the techniques on this site, but it'll give you some pointers on subjects that you may have never thought of before with regards to the risks of cheating on your spouse.

Here's the link.

 

[Heynow999]

Why not game your wife? I have some experience with this topic. Its a rough road you are turning onto.

While I agree that that may be the easiest way, It is as I say. She is not interested. I have been sleeping with a cold uninterested person for the last several years and I want more than that.

I am NOT cheating. She has told me many times that she does not care if I find a girlfriend. I actually can see us breaking up when the kids are older, bbut until then I need to persever.

As for ending it, I have a responsibility to my kids. I need to provide them with as stable a family life as possible. Breaking up with my wife is not going to make things stable for them.

I guess I can do one of two things if I go out with someone new. Either lie outright, or tell the truth. I tried the truth already and honestly, the woman was not that shocked. I still plan on pursuing her as I know her boyfriend will be leaving the country. I think if I had better skills, it would have worked with her as she gave me many indicators of interest after knowing I was married.

 

[Desdinova]

Breaking up with my wife is not going to make things stable for them.

I beg to differ. A child is going to thrive much better if the parents are separated and happy than if the parents are together and miserable.

Again, get the ebook I posted a link to. It will be a good foundation for finding yourself a mistress.

 

[st_99]

So what are you going to do when you find out she is banging another guy???

Most likely will happen.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Heynow, would you be happy in your marriage if you did have a healthy sex life?

My question is from wondering if a mistress will really help your situation, or just complicate it even more...or worse destroy something that can be fixed.

The lack of sex is an easy thing to focus on as the "problem" with any relationship.

Have you discussed your unhappiness with the situation with your wife? I believe, if she truly cared about you, she's make an effort to work on bettering the relationship.

That will help test her on how she values you as a man. If you make your concerns known, take charge...and she's apathetic. There's your answer.

I'd be bold, blunt, to the point, and call her out on this.

 

[Warrior74]

It sounds like you've made up your mind about doing what you want to do in regards to meeting and dating other women while married, and since I've never been in your situation I really can't offer any good advice. But. If you are interested in gaming your wife while you date other women this is one of the most informative posts you can read about this.

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/relationship-game-week-a-readers-journey/

As for other women, my gut says to only explain when they ask. And then tell them that you have an open relationship or make it your wifes fault for being a cold unattentive woman. It's the same justifications they use when they cheat so they will understand. Good luck.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

While I agree that that may be the easiest way, It is as I say. She is not interested. I have been sleeping with a cold uninterested person for the last several years and I want more than that.

I don't comment too much on here, but your story and your response is making my blood boil, dude, only because I was in the same boat years ago and I wish I had done it differently.

First of all, if she is "not interested" there is either extreme medical issues or she is definitely cheating on you. All healthy women love sex just as much as men if not more and if she's not putting out its a sign of a huge problem. My guess is she wants you to go find a mistress so she can justify her actions, or have ammo in court to find cause for divorce. Don't fall for it.

Trust me when I tell you this, I would take every asset of yours and liquidate it...i.e. 401K, cash out and give it to someone you trust, otherwise she'll get half. Also, start removing any/all of your valuables and put it in storage.

After this amount of time in the marriage you can try and game her but I would opt to try and get her to leave. She has made up her mind; it is going to be a bumpy ride from here. "Staying in it for the kids"...you will hear that a lot, however becoming a white knight for the sake of your kids is an expensive and painful proposition. Your kids will respect you way more by seeing you happy. If you arent happy in your marriage throw her ass out FIRST before entering into any affairs.

 

[Zunder]

While I agree that that may be the easiest way, It is as I say. She is not interested. I have been sleeping with a cold uninterested person for the last several years and I want more than that.

I am NOT cheating. She has told me many times that she does not care if I find a girlfriend. I actually can see us breaking up when the kids are older, bbut until then I need to persever.

As for ending it, I have a responsibility to my kids. I need to provide them with as stable a family life as possible. Breaking up with my wife is not going to make things stable for them.

I guess I can do one of two things if I go out with someone new. Either lie outright, or tell the truth. I tried the truth already and honestly, the woman was not that shocked. I still plan on pursuing her as I know her boyfriend will be leaving the country. I think if I had better skills, it would have worked with her as she gave me many indicators of interest after knowing I was married.

You know what I am interested in....its not so much your quest for a bit of T&A on the side.....more like it be rather interesting to know what the hell happened to your marriage over the 14 year period where she acts so cold towards you both physically and emotionally?
*Were you ever in love?
*Was her "coldness" towards you gradual....or did she just say one day "My pvssy is off limits I am just not interested anymore"..
*How did you two meet and what do you think attracted her to you in the first place.....I mean she must have liked you enough to marry you....even loved you too?
There are a thousand more questions but you get the idea,
At the moment I am thinking of that new Ryan Gosling movie "Blue Valentine" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1120985/

As an aside - this may be easy for me to say as I am not married nor do I have children - but be fvcked if I could live with a woman that treated me like your wife does.

 

[speed dawg]

You know what I am interested in....its not so much your quest for a bit of T&A on the side.....more like it be rather interesting to know what the hell happened to your marriage over the 14 year period where she acts so cold towards you both physically and emotionally?
*Were you ever in love?
*Was her "coldness" towards you gradual....or did she just say one day "My pvssy is off limits I am just not interested anymore"..
*How did you two meet and what do you think attracted her to you in the first place.....I mean she must have liked you enough to marry you....even loved you too?
There are a thousand more questions but you get the idea,
At the moment I am thinking of that new Ryan Gosling movie "Blue Valentine" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1120985/

As an aside - this may be easy for me to say as I am not married nor do I have children - but be fvcked if I could live with a woman that treated me like your wife does.

Excellent post Zunder.

Heynow999, please expound on this situation. Much could be learned here.

 

[KarmaSutra]

What never-married guys will never understand is the principle dynamic which is presupposed within the marriage.

There's a definitive within the couple's relationship that underlies their understanding of each's place. The husband has an expectation to do certain things or behave a certain way, so does the wife.

I'm not saying every marriage is based on the same suppositions, rather, they're usually what built the foundation for their desire to commit in the first place. Each is unique to that particular couple. But to say there aren't expectations, is unrealistic.

In my marriage, I was the rational half. I took care of the house. The work to maintain it and such. Hers was the financial responsibility; paying bills on time, etc...

Things began to breakdown because I stopped telling her "No". I stopped giving her a reason to think about me when I wasn't there. She did her share of fvcking up too. We stopped fvcking. We'd do it every now and again to shake off the cobwebs, but it was purely for release purposes. There was no passion in the act.

I found solace in other women's orifices while I was married. She fvcked another guy too. What we did was all wrong.

What's wrong with Heynow is the same thing that was wrong with me: I was caged and miserable.

My advice, end it. Split up. Your boys will be in a much safer (and more sane) place. Whether she gives you her blessing to fvck other chicks is completely irrelevant. She's giving away her relationship to you. Her excuse will be to get rid of you due to infidelity if she has proof you did it. Why do you need this headache? End it. Wash your hands of her legally. Go get your own space. Relearn to love yourself, appreciate your boundaries, then bang as much tail as your balls can handle.

Teach your sons that a legacy of cuckoldry is not a life for men.

 

[Heynow999]

Ok, I will try and encaplsulate what I think happened

We met over the internet. She was from Ukraine. We wrote and spoke to each other over the phone for 2 years. I went to Ukraine to met her. I felt I knew her well at this point. I stayed for a month. We travelled around the country alot. We got along well. We decieded we would get married, had sex a few times there.

I came back to Canada and began the paperwork to bring her here. Took 9 months. She was here 2 years before we had our first son. Things were pretty normal untill then. She began sleeping in the babies room around then.

Second son 3 years later. Difficult pregnancy, long story, our son was 3 months premature, he spent a long time in the hospital.

Things got worse after that, stress of kids etc

I have had a part in this. I was 185lbs when we got married and I reached a high of 230 last year. I have been dieting and working out and I am now 195 and in pretty good shape. My plan is to get in better shape than I was when I got married, and I am close.

Some things that I think are a problem is just a general drifting apart in the relationship. Also she is religious and I think that holds her back. She rarely orgasims. Oral sex either way is out. She often says that women her age in Ukraine are grandmothers at 40 and shouldn't be having sex.

Is she banging someone else? I doubt it, but I know enough that all women are great actresses and she could be and I would have no idea. I have never had any experiances where I caught her doing something funny. She is a stay at home mom with no cell phone and no email account. I work funny hours and often come home during the day and never seen anything. My neighbour is a close friens and I think they would say something to me

As someone mentioned, I think she does have medical issuses She has heavy periods and low iron which I know can kill sex drive. She will not go to a dr for it, even with our free Ontario Health care.

I want to thank you guys for all the responses. I did not think the tread would take this turn.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

^^^^
And the plane just spiralled in a flaming wreck to the ground.

 

[Desdinova]

She is a stay at home mom with no cell phone and no email account.

It sounds as if your wife has some deep psychological issues. She could also have depression. Look at it from her point of view: She's got no outlet, she stays home with no contact with anyone but you and the kids, and she's away from her family.

I personally believe that when a relationship degrades to the point where yours is as, it's seldom worth repairing. It's like an old house that has been neglected to the point where it's beyond repair. Usually the best thing to do is tear it down and build a new one.

The both of you may be better off if you end the marriage. If you aim for shared custody, she won't have to be a stay-at-home mom full time and actually get to have a life, and you'll be able to go out and have sex again.

If you actually do decide to break things off, do NOT approach her with anger, frustration, or revenge. Approach her with understanding and compassion. If you break off the marriage peacefully (like I did), things will go a lot smoother, easier, and she'll be more open to being fair.

But if you break it off with anger and bitterness, she'll become competitive and focus on winning in the divorce.

 

[logic1]

Reluctantly does it but tells me to go out and get a girlfriend. So I am going to. I am not going to announce it and will keep it low key.

Good idea to keep it under wraps. When your wife tells you to go out and find a FB its usually a big time trap. When she finds out you carried thru with her idea you will never hear the end of it. She will use it as ammunition to the bitter end.

Dont believe everything a woman says.

 

[5string]

I'll tell you from experience. Get fvckin divorced before it's too late and more time flies by. I waited for 25 yrs before I unfvcked myself and got it done. This open relationship/FB stuff is just BS! Get divorced and do it now.

If you don't do this, the best years of your life will be lost and you won't be able to get them back.

Not later, NOW!

 

[thissucks003]

Maybe I am one of the few to suggest this!

Have you tried conselling?

If you are worried about your boys and being there for them until they are old enough, why would you want to set a bad example for them having a relationship outside of your marriage? Even though you may have been given permission by your wife, is this the kind of example you want your boys to learn? They will find out eventually!

I would totally start talking to a professional yourself first! Then find a way to get joint conselling with your wife!

There are ways for your wife to correct her heavy periods! Finding a competent doctor will help.

 

[sodbuster]

my cousin told me this after his divorce...."counseling only works if she's willing to listen and change". After my year of counseling and subsequent divorce, I can second his statement.

Divorce before other women....it's a TRAP,she's setting you up to be the bad guy in your families eyes.