So I have a wife and kids...
- Thread starter Heynow999
- Start date
I'm not pissed off. I dont think I have ever really talked openly like this and I am very interested in the feedback.Warrior74 said:
My wife would not do counselling, I might try it.
Again, I am really surprised at the response I am getting. I actually dont think it is that bad of a situation. The sex is absolutely terrible, but other than that it is not bad. And again I have to stress that I feel that the best thing for my kids is for us to stay together.
It's funny that what I am proposing is very common in other parts of the world, for example France. I think that is one reason my wife has proposed it, because she is from Europe.
Heynow999 said:
I assume you really are being honest when you say you think your situation is not that bad - I am just saying that personally I think your situation that you described with your wife is a Nightmare on Elm Street and then some - and there is no way I could have respect for myself if I put up with it - but each to their own and I thank you for sharing it and giving us some more background.
As for getting a bit on the side - there is plenty of info on this site on how to accomplish that.
Good luck to you.
Iceberg
Master Don Juan
I'm not sure you can counsel a woman into being attracted to you. We're talking about emotions here. Not negotiating a used car price.thissucks003 said:
Heynow999 said:
I couldn't imagine how it's the best thing for the kids to have their parents remain in a dry, sexless marriage. I mean, whatever helps you sleep at night. But the there's a huge chunk of logic missing in your assumption.
I'd think it would have a worse impact on the kid to believe that your type of marriage is normal and healthy.
Sure, your marriage isn't "that bad of a situation". You're not beating each other. You're not stealing each others' money. It's just that your marriage doesn't sound particularly good either. It's like having a job that is "not that bad"..., sure you can pay your bills, and have reasonable hours....but didn't you want more out of your life than "not that bad"?
Is that what you want written on your tombstone? "Here Lies Heynow999. His life wasn't that bad."
I think everyone here thats cheerleading for this guy to leave his wife over lack of nookie needs to get a dose of reality. There are children involved and its not just as simple as filling out a few forms and going about your merry way.
Divorce is always has a negative affect on families .Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher suicide rates.
Children of divorced parents more frequently demonstrate a diminished learning capacity, performing more poorly than their peers from intact two-parent families in reading, spelling, and math. They have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation.
Divorce generally reduces the income of the child's primary household and seriously diminishes the potential of every household member to accumulate wealth. For families that were not poor before the divorce, the drop in income can be as much as 50 percent.
The only time I would advocate a divorce for the OP is if him and his wifes relationship is high-conflict. If you two are yelling and screaming at eachother in front of the kids, abuse is invovled, you both are depressed and miserable, etc....then yes the family will be better off not together.
But what I am getting is that the OP and wife get along ok. She wants to remain married and raise the kids, yet is ok with quietly disengaging from a romantic relationship with her husband. I see nothing wrong with this arrangement. If you and her need to pursue extra marital affairs to meet your sexual needs, by all means do so while keeping utmost discretion. Don't take this personally, your marriage is first and foremost a business partnership. You're in the business of raising your children in a stable two-parent household.
If divorce made everyone better off then why are children growing up with more behavioral and psychologial problems than before when spouses stuck it out?
Don't listen to these clueless posters OP....do what's best for your family, not just yourself.
Divorce is always has a negative affect on families .Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher suicide rates.
Children of divorced parents more frequently demonstrate a diminished learning capacity, performing more poorly than their peers from intact two-parent families in reading, spelling, and math. They have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation.
Divorce generally reduces the income of the child's primary household and seriously diminishes the potential of every household member to accumulate wealth. For families that were not poor before the divorce, the drop in income can be as much as 50 percent.
The only time I would advocate a divorce for the OP is if him and his wifes relationship is high-conflict. If you two are yelling and screaming at eachother in front of the kids, abuse is invovled, you both are depressed and miserable, etc....then yes the family will be better off not together.
But what I am getting is that the OP and wife get along ok. She wants to remain married and raise the kids, yet is ok with quietly disengaging from a romantic relationship with her husband. I see nothing wrong with this arrangement. If you and her need to pursue extra marital affairs to meet your sexual needs, by all means do so while keeping utmost discretion. Don't take this personally, your marriage is first and foremost a business partnership. You're in the business of raising your children in a stable two-parent household.
If divorce made everyone better off then why are children growing up with more behavioral and psychologial problems than before when spouses stuck it out?
Don't listen to these clueless posters OP....do what's best for your family, not just yourself.
Iceberg
Master Don Juan
sstype said:
Right. Staying in his passionless marriage really sets a great example for the kids.
Wow...seriously??? Did you rip that out of a romance novel? That's some pretty feminine sounding sh*t right there. For all this talk about how supposedly more "rational" and "logical" we men think.....I would say his wife has more balls than some of the posters here.Iceberg said:
You're right....let him breakup his family because the "passion" was lacking.
"It's okay little Tommy, I love your mommy but she was a frigid prude and we just weren't having that passionate sex I need to be happy. You will only get to see me every other weekend from now on but I'm sure you'll understand! Oh and meet my new girlfriend Candi!"
5string
Master Don Juan
"It's ok little Tommy, you know mommy and I no longer love one another and we are both miserable. I know you can sense this. Meet Candi little Tommy. Mommy said to go get a girfriend because mommy knows she can no longer meet my emotional and physical needs in our marriage".sstype said:Wow...seriously??? Did you rip that out of a romance novel? That's some pretty feminine sounding sh*t right there. For all this talk about how supposedly more "rational" and "logical" we men think.....I would say his wife has more balls than some of the posters here.
You're right....let him breakup his family because the "passion" was lacking.
"It's okay little Tommy, I love your mommy but she was a frigid prude and we just weren't having that passionate sex I need to be happy. You will only get to see me every other weekend from now on but I'm sure you'll understand! Oh and meet my new girlfriend Candi!"
According to you guys, a successful marriage should be based on a rock-solid foundation consisting of passion, lust, ego, and feelings. As long as you're getting your d*ck wet every night then other considerations such as her parenting skills, familial upbringing, and personal habits are just minor bonuses. I guess we should all be ok with our 50% divorce rate. Heck, everyone should get divorced as soon as their spouses stop having sex, become old and unattractive, because we all know that marriages lacking hot steamy romance and sex are the leading cause of behavioral and pyschological problems in young children today. (sarcasm)5string said:
I'm sure youre also perfectly ok with your wives divorcing you to be with someone "more passionate" taking half your assets, child support, and alimony in the process. Hopefully you'll be as understanding when the tables are turned.
Iceberg
Master Don Juan
No. A successful marriage should be based on two people who are attracted to each other and intensely love one another. Obviously, you're not going to be having crazy passionate sex all the time, but there should at least be a foundation of attraction.sstype said:
If you don't have that, then it's merely a business arrangement.
If my hypothetical wife determined that I was no longer physically attracted to her, and that the loving, passionate side of our relationship had completely died, then yes, she should divorce me.
What is the point of being married to someone who you are not attracted to? Parenting skills and personal habits? You can't build a life-long relationship with a person based on that. We're talking about husbands and wives here, not hired servants.
"Me and Mary can't stand to touch each other, but she makes a good apple pie, and she knows how to change a diaper, so we're just gonna stick together."
Get divorced........This is all B.S.
Instead of telling you why you should get divorced (which other guys convincingly already did), consider your options;
First good luck finding a quality woman who will put up with you being married while you are seeing her. Even if a woman is a slut, she doesn't want to be thought of as a slut. Being the woman on the side makes a woman feel like a slut.
You do realize that you will only be able to bang her at her place, not at your house. This will take you away from your children even more.
If the other woman becomes emotionally involved with you, her actions could turn into "fatal attraction mode" ...which could result in your children being exposed to some bad scenes.
Get divorced. Marriage is marriage---not this creative compromising you are proposing. Be rational...if you had a condition that affected your sexual health, would you still tell your wife, YOUR WIFE, to go and find a boyfriend ?
Start a new life. Give your kids 110 % when you are with them, and do the right thing.
Instead of telling you why you should get divorced (which other guys convincingly already did), consider your options;
First good luck finding a quality woman who will put up with you being married while you are seeing her. Even if a woman is a slut, she doesn't want to be thought of as a slut. Being the woman on the side makes a woman feel like a slut.
You do realize that you will only be able to bang her at her place, not at your house. This will take you away from your children even more.
If the other woman becomes emotionally involved with you, her actions could turn into "fatal attraction mode" ...which could result in your children being exposed to some bad scenes.
Get divorced. Marriage is marriage---not this creative compromising you are proposing. Be rational...if you had a condition that affected your sexual health, would you still tell your wife, YOUR WIFE, to go and find a boyfriend ?
Start a new life. Give your kids 110 % when you are with them, and do the right thing.
That is precisely what marriage is.....a business arrangement..nothing more. All of that lovey dovey, attraction can all be had without signing a legal document. And if you think you're going to feel the same level of attraction to your wife after 30 years of aging, monotonous lovemaking, and the stress of raising a family, then all i can say is you've been watching way too many disney moviesIceberg said:
By the same token you will also be perfectly fine handing over half your assets and a chunk of your future income to pay for your wife's "loss of passion" Makes sense when you don't think about it.
Well I'm glad you have the luxury of hiring servants to take care of your kids while you and your wife run in a field of roses, but rest of us lowly plebes do have to take on child-rearing duties as part of the marriage contract. If you think marriage is nothing more than an unlimited supply of sex and romance then please do us all a favor and don't reproduce.
Mantis Toboggan
Master Don Juan
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Funny. If you think marriage sucks so much, it's odd that you're advising this guy to stay in his. Maintain this sucky lifestyle for the sake of the kids. Nothing will inspire kids to greatness like seeing their father worn down into a nub of a man.sstype said:
What a bunch of ridiculous retorts so far.Mantis Toboggan said:
I haven't heard anyone from the "divorce the b*tch" bandwagon address the widely reported negative effects divorce has on kids nor has anyone given me a good explanation why marriage is not a state sanctioned legally-enforced business contract and how that has ANYTHING to do with love and attraction.
So far all i've heard is "but they're not in looooooooove!!!!" I can't believe i'm hearing this sort of whiny responses from a men's forum.
We are done debating here.
Desdinova
Master Don Juan
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sstype: What are you basing all this 5hit on? Have you ever been married? Have you ever been divorced? Do you have kids?
My child is thriving much better now because the child custody arrangement forces the bytch to spend time with him. She used to walk out the damn door to go fvck her boyfriend, and our child would run to the door, screaming and crying for mommy to stay home.
His development stalled because I'm the only one who does 5hit with him. Before the separation, I was with him 99% of the time and his development was excellent. Now that I get him 50% of the time, his development is much slower because nobody but me teaches him anything. Who's fault is that? Is it fault of the marriage breakup? NO. It's the fault of the parent who won't take the responsibility of their duty to raise the child.
Every situation is different, so you can't just lump every kid with divorced parents together. It has nothing to do with the actual breakup, it has to do with parents who don't give a damn about their responsibility to raise their children and their dedication to their families.
My child is thriving much better now because the child custody arrangement forces the bytch to spend time with him. She used to walk out the damn door to go fvck her boyfriend, and our child would run to the door, screaming and crying for mommy to stay home.
His development stalled because I'm the only one who does 5hit with him. Before the separation, I was with him 99% of the time and his development was excellent. Now that I get him 50% of the time, his development is much slower because nobody but me teaches him anything. Who's fault is that? Is it fault of the marriage breakup? NO. It's the fault of the parent who won't take the responsibility of their duty to raise the child.
Every situation is different, so you can't just lump every kid with divorced parents together. It has nothing to do with the actual breakup, it has to do with parents who don't give a damn about their responsibility to raise their children and their dedication to their families.
Desdinova said:
Wow....I said the same exact thing except everyone decided to jump on my throat because I suggested in THIS situation divorce may not be the best option.sstype said:
Child neglect/abuse is grounds for divorce.
"I'm not getting laid" is not grounds for divorce. Get that through your thick skulls.
loveshogun
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Let's not discount the importance of the business aspects of relationships. Without good decisions on the ground, passion burns out.Iceberg said:
I personally think the degradation of the OP's relationship is a consequence not just of passion burning out, but a lack of attention to the business of being in a relationship.
I like to think of a relationship as a fire. You need the spark first, of course, but you need fuel for the fire as well. Without controlling the flame, and adding fuel over time, the flame will burn out.
That's what game is all about, isn't it? About feeding passion through making rational choices. Taking two sides of the same coin, that at first seem opposites, and making them work in harmony.
OP, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, because you need to make your own decision at this point.
What I will say is you need to be very clear, unlike when you first decided to marry this woman, that your actions will have consequences, not only on yourself, but on others as well. And not all the consequences will be completely good, or completely bad. You will have to decide what is important to you, and pay the price.
I highly doubt when you made the plunge, that you were making it rationally. Not saying that passion isn't important - just that your rationality will be just as, if not more important.
And the only guide you have in an emotionally tumultuous period such as this is your ability to stay rational.
Are you sticking with it for your kids, or because of what others might think of you?
Is your wife really the root of the problem, or are there aspects of your own personality that could improve?
How much of these problems are real problems outside of you, versus problems that are only you?
I've dealt a lot with Eastern Europeans - particularly Ukrainians - and so I can see some echoes of cultural truth in your assessment of your situation. But, that's not a cop out for you to chalk it up to things that are out of your control. YOU are in control of your own actions until you choose to give it up.
Make your choices, and own them. Good, bad, or sideways.
Best wishes, and hope that you can find the best way. Don't lose heart if you find that the best possible outcome is not all sunshine and roses. Persevere.
5string
Master Don Juan
In addition to no intimacy, the op also said that their relationship had become like "brother and sister". And get this, would you want to remain married to a woman who cares so little about you and the relationship that she tells you to go find a GF you can fvck?sstype said:
Not me. :nono:
