NickBe said:
Feel? I do not feel anything inside.
Look, i enjoy having emotions. I enjoy being able to feel love, pain, hurt, regret, hope, joy, happiness. Even though some of those feeling suck it lets me know that i am human.
I wasn't looking to be saved when i met this girl. I was getting my **** together, I have a job i enjoy (although it doesn't pay much but it's a fun ass job) looking at moving back into my own place. Was feeling alot better about myself. I had had it up to my ****in hears in drama. And as i keep saying, I swore off girls like a month and a half before I started talking to her. It was just something random that happened.
I know that i lack emotional control, I have ALWAYS known it and I have tried to control it. I've learned to bite back on ALOT of the hurtful things I say to girls but sometimes it's just too much. I know it's because i get hurt easily or because I feel targetted and cornered (fight or flight reflex) so I snap and fight back.
I know ALL of this. I don't know WHY it happens. I don't know why I subconsciously sabotage EVERYTHING I do.
It's not about whether or not she is on the internet, whether or not i met her face to face. I am not going to discount how I feel and treat it as nothing just because people are trying to rationalize why i shouldn't feel this way. I can name a thousand reasons why I shouldn't feel this way but the point is that I DO feel this way and it is a direct result of my actions towards others. Not because I feel in love, not because of the speed in which I FELL in love, nor because of whom I fell in love WITH.
this is about me being in control of myself, knowing i ****ed up, and trying to fix it. Yeah, she may never come back, but you know what, I hope she ****ing does. I hope that WHEN she does that I am the man she FELL in love with and even better than that. Would I take her back? I don't even know now.. after all this **** I ****in doubt it, then again, there was alot of good **** until *I* ****ed it up. She was going to be here SATURDAY. **** went to hell less than a week from our original chance to meet up. It is NOT her fault either. I am not putting her on a pedestal or worshipping her, the difference is I can admit when it is MY mistake rather than just assuming she's just a stupid gameplaying *****.
I am here for ME so that I can BE better so that should another opportunity arise I don't pass it up, I don't **** it up, and i make it be everything it can be.
Will I ever **** up again? Hell, I probably will, but at least through therapy I stand a chance at not only finding out WHY I am this way, How to fix it but I may just find out other underlying crap that also needs to be dealt with.
I read EVERYTHING people put on this site, every link. I go out and get every book, watch every movie. And you know what, I disgard the bull****.
You all have different approaches, different ideas, they WORK for you. Doesn't mean that it's going to work for me. It's like the gym. Different things work for different people.
My brain chemisty, my past, my issues are not the same as yours, your friends, even your families. This is why i'm going to get PROFESSIONAL help, this is why I called 20 different therapists to find one that I trust and one that my gut says can help me and listen and understand.
My instinct, my gut, tells me many things. It has never been wrong. My brain has let me down, my emotions have blinded me, but my natural gut instinct has never lead me astray. in fact, alot of the reasons I get jealous, that i think up ****ed up baseless scenarios is because i used to come into this forum and just read. And I would read up about the games, the bull****, the manipulation, all of that crap and it kicked my brain into gear rather than me listening to my gut like I should have and just KNOWING things.
edit: proof right there of a lack of emotional control and the negativity i need to overcome.. just look at all the swears. that is why i am going into therapy. Not because of her, not for some kind of drama. But because of crap like that where I do it, and only at looking at it afterwards does it hit me. Much like the fight i had with the girl. I didn' realize what I was doing until she told me i was doing it. That's when i freaked out, that's when i got scared, that's when i became insecure. When my flaw started to cost me something good AGAIN.
I KNOW i need help. And I KNOW that a few of you have replied to this are not ABLE to help me.
I know of my shortcomings. This is my first step.