Single again! Read my break-up email.

[Rev]

Hey fellows. I got an email today from my GF (we'll call her HB-MIF) in which she attempts to break up with me. I don't think she'll be able to stay away from me though, because I built up so much attraction that she worships my ball sweat.

She has 2 kids (ScreamingBrat6 and ScreamingBrat4) who make banging her mom almost not worth it. I don't normally spend any time with them, but this weekend she had to take them to the store with us. They were both yelling at the top of their lungs the whole time and ScreamingBrat4 kept entertaining himself by running into me from behind. She really needs to learn how to control her kids. My mother never would have put up with that kind of behavior from me or my brothers.

But anyway, I'm now single again and the game is back on! Here's the letter. I think some of you might find it interesting.

Hey Rev,
I got pretty angry Sunday morning about some of the things you said. I didn't want to start an argument in front of my kids. I didn't appreciate you saying that kids are a burden and a pain, etc etc. That's your opinion and you are entitled to it but I didn't appreciate you saying those things in front of my kids. ScreamingBrat6 picked up on it and he told me later "Mom, I don't think Rev likes us". And you don't have to like my kids. But let me give you a big advice for future reference...you should never insult anyone's child. Us parents are very very sensitive about that and us parents can call our own kids brats but we don't put up with anyone else calling them "brats" or "kids from Hell" or whatever. Another advice I'm going to give you is that a parent never wants to hear advice about their children from someone that has no kids and has no clue about what it's like to have kids. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that you and me are on a completely different level. You seem to not like the fact that I have kids and not understand the fact that they are number one priority in my life. I think it would be best that we don't see eachother anymore as a couple but when you're in town we can still party together with our friends. You're a great guy and I've had alot of fun with you but you really need to work on being more tactful in expressing yourself. Don't be so eager to be insulting. It would best for you to be dating someone who is closer to your age, has no kids, and lives near you anyway. I wish the best for you and I hope you'll find the love of your life. You deserve it. I'll give your charger back when you're in town next time. Just let me know.
I'll really miss you, take Care, HB-MIF

 

[Quick]

Gotta tell you Rev, she's absolutely right.

 

[RKTek]

I'd walk away from this no-win situation based on this one line:

"...that they are number one priority in my life."

Guess what, they always will be. Forever. You are just some guy who walked in and paid some attention to her. If you stayed with her, you'd also be surprised at how much she still loves the father of her little demonseed kids. In other words, you are really third in her heart.

I'm speaking from repeated personal experience. I've also dated women who felt that way about their pets. I broke up right after I realized I was second in her heart, right after her Yorkshire Terrier. Or another one had parrots and I was behind her African Gray. See-ya.

I demand primacy. If she's got kids, exes, pets, hangups or any other kind of overarching emotional baggage, it means I'm there to decorate her life. Superficial. Low priority.

NEXT!

 

[thissucks003]

Originally posted by Quick
Gotta tell you Rev, she's absolutely right.

I agree!

If you were looking to breakup with her, then telling her that her kids are a pain in the neck worked. The only thing is, that there may be resentment on her part and she may not try to ever help you in the future. Always leave on a good note. You never know when she can be helpful with other gals.

TS

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Not only is she right, but she should have included this sentence in there somewhere, too: "You're a f*cking pr*ck."

There's nothing wrong with dating single mothers, and there's nothing wrong with not liking kids, but in my opinion you should never do both. But while not liking her kids doesn't necessarily make you a jerk. Expecting her to put your needs, desires and wants before her kids is just delusional, but that doesn't necessarily make you a jerk, either. What makes you the biggest pr*ck I've read about all day is that you talked sh*t about her kids in front of them. What kind of pathetic, stupid d*ck does that to a four year old and a six year old? Very few things piss me off more than this. Not only are the kids better off without you in their mother's life, but the mother is too.

 

[Luscious]

This is just another illustration why going for single moms is a big no-no in my book. You're constantly fighting against her kids who see you as a threat to their precious attention from mommy. Get immature for a second and think as these children would think: "I was here first so mommy is mine and nobody else's!" I avoid single moms like the plague because it also tells me something about the mom's great decision-making ability (note the sarcasm ).

But I must say, don't rip on the kids or parenting in FRONT of her. Man, that's going to put you on the sh*tlist right away. Like RKTek said - her kids come first. Once again, to conclude - single moms are bad news.

 

[RKTek]

The best marriages and healthiest homes for children is one where the children observe that mom and dad love each other FIRST. Which is as it should be. A home where it's obvious mom loves her kids more than her husband, or the man loves his children more than his wife, is hugely dysfunctional and is a disservice to the children. Children need to see that mom and dad (or step dad) love each other FIRST and see that as the foundation and framework that they can learn to love and grow in.

Single moms who love their children first and show it to the next man in their lives do a disservice to her children and the man in her life. These children did not respect 'Rev' because SHE didn't. They knew they could get away with being little hellions because they knew she would do nothing to show respect to him.

We all know the constant and sometimes insidious ways women test us. Well guess what, children do the same. Those kids observed mom and then gleefully tried to disrupt and rip asunder Rev's relationship. Why? Because they wanted her to find a man that not only she respected, but a man they could respect too.

Rev did right to get away from this terrible single mom but it's also possible he didn't demand her respect. He may have demanded it, but she might have been the type of woman who has no respect for men in general. I don't know and I wasn't there, but if you're dating a single mom, you need to deman PRIMACY in the relationship. If you marry her, one day those children will grow up and leave the house. Then it will be just the two of you. Unless you've built a solid relationship of mutual trust and PRIMACY, the relationship will fold like a house of cards.

Lesson learned, Rev.

 

[Starman]

I have to disagree with you RK.

When it comes to family love, it should be circulated around equally.

WHile kids should observe that parents love each other..it is a disservice and blow to the ego to find out they rank #2 on unconditional love.

Otherwise, your child grows up feeling that he has to compete with one parent or another to win their affection vs. the other parent.

even as adults, the child may focus on finding and loving their partner FIRST before they love their child. It could turn into a geneologicial vicious cycle.

In a family, Love shouldnt be ranked for a healthy child.

 

[Giovanni Casanova]

Allow me to also send a big "*cough* BULLSH*T *cough*" your way, RK. I don't know what planet you're from, but here on Earth you're not going to walk into a relationship with a woman who has kids and honestly expect to come first in that woman's life, above her kids, unless said woman is so completely f*cked up that you should avoid her like the plague anyway. Apparently you have this thing going on where you've decided that you have to come first, above all else, if you're going to be with a woman. Fine. In that case, avoid single mothers, because the bottom line is that no good woman is going to decide that you're more important -- or even AS important -- as the children she gave life to and is raising.

And for that matter, NEVER have children, because chances are that the children will always be more important than you, no matter what. That's not the sign of a dysfunctional family situation... it's the sign of a FUNCTIONAL one. My mom adores my father, I could tell growing up and it's still apparent today. However, I was also keenly aware that we (the children) were the number one priority. If she was forced to choose between our father and us, she would choose us. Expecting a mother to consider you more important than her children is not only childish and selfish, but it's also highly unrealistic, too... and I would NEVER want to have a relationship with a woman who considered me more important than her own children.

 

[RKTek]

Thank you Starman and Giovanni for respectfully disagreeing with me. Starman more so. Let it go on record I respectfully disagree with you too. Or maybe we agree in some ways that our terminology is hindering. Don't know.

You're right that I would tend to steer away from single moms for a number of reasons, most importantly if she insisted on placing me low on her list of priorities. Children should respect adults, especially their parents or the spouses of their parents.

Rev's single mom did not respect Rev. Her kids realized it before he did and happily used him as a big toy. It is unfortunate that he tried to get her to show respect to HIM by chastising her children to respect him, but she didn't. She didn't recognize that that what they were doing was disrespectful because she had no respect for him anyway. Bad scene.

When they're young and single, boys and girls should fall in love with each other. Girls should love their guys for WHO THEY ARE not for money, looks, fame, power, or the possibility that he will give them children. The girl should love her guy for HIM. Likewise the guy should love his girl for HER. Not because his buddies will be jealous of him, she looks great in a bikini these days, or her dad has money. He should love her for HER. This is an ideal relationship.

When they marry and children come into the relationship, there are different kinds of love mothers have for their children, it's true. But mom should love her man first and foremost. It is a different and abiding kind of love. Children WILL eventually grow up and leave home. While they are small, children must know they are loved. Fortunately children don't need the same type of intimate love a man and woman have for each other. Children need a nurturing and selfless kind of love until they leave home. While in that home, children should observe the love and RESPECT mom has for dad and vice-versa. Unless little girls observe that mom will defend dad against everyone, INCLUDING her own bratty (yes, they can sometimes be such) children, they will grow up spoiled and rebellious to all.

Children do better in homes where mom clearly loves and respects her man. Admittedly these roles are more difficult when it is a single mom, because then mom needs to show her children that she loves this new man, and that because she realizes he is a good man, she clearly gives him permission to chastise and discipline them as though he were their natural father. By having her man constantly saying to her "Would you discipline YOUR children?" is a sad commentary to all.

Agreed dating and loving single moms is more of a challenge, but I respectfully maintain that it is still possible and even MORE HEALTHY for a woman to unconditionally love her children, yet show primacy to the man she chooses to have in her life.

And I'm from earth. ;-)

 

[Liz]

RkTek, you are a freakin pr1ck. You can't expect a mother to love you more than she loves her kids because what does that tell the kids??? That she loves some possibly temporary guy more than she loves her kids? Or even if it is the father of the child then that child needs to know that the parents put them ahead of themselves. It gives a sense of security to the child.

You will understand these things the moment that you have a child. Although a big part of me wishes that you never have kids due to the fact I think that your selfish nature will destroy your relationships.

There is a lot of talk about respect in this thread, but what about the respect due to the single mother. Yeah, you think that she didn't respect him and that he was trying to show her that she needed to respect the 'all mighty man that he is' but if he isn't showing her the same courtesy then why the heck is she going to put up with his bullsh1t? If he knew from the beginning that these kids were bratty and didn't like them he should have bailed. There was no reason for him to even continue the relationship. The kids weren't going to go away nomatter how much he prayed, and if he was just there to bang the mommy than he is a sick individual anyway.

She doesn't worship him as he claims. She feels pity for him and the fact that he can't act like an adult at appropriate times. And that he is so self absorbed to think that she will ever put anyone ahead of her kids.

I am a 'single' mom, and am now engaged to someone who is not my child's father. I put my daughter ahead of him in the whole line of things when it comes down to it, but I don't feel that there should be competition for anyone. I love them both very much, and I know that my man is not so selfish to make me put my relationships in order from first to last. Making sure he's first on the list. He knows he's second, and it's okay, because he knows that I love him.

Some of you need to grow up, and figure out that there are more important things in life than where you rank on a womens totem pole of love.

Liz

 

[es_mer8]

My mom was briefly separated from my dad for maybe a year. She dated this one man who needless to say was fairly indifferent of my sister and I. I was 8 then but I wasn't ScreamingBrat8 and my sister wasn't ScreamingBrat4. We were very mild mannered and in hindsight, I treated him well as a friend. Not a father but a friend. However one night he was pissed at my mom for whatever and he ran up to me, while playing NES, and started beating on me for being 'annoying' including at one time trying to beat me over the head with the NES unit. Fortunately my mom broke up with him immediately.

I know you didn't do this Rev but it was an example of how a single mother like my mom, put children above some lay. He tried to get her back by calling, writing letters, showing up, but she all turned them down because of how he treated me.

IMO, its most definitely possible to have a shared love relationship with the man, the mother, and the children. However the man is in position to authoritate over the children because thats the mother's job. If she can't handle it, she probably is irresponsible and that is not good for a relationship and isn't worth dating her. With a family in any instance, the children should always come first because they shouldn't bring their f***ed up problems to children.

 

[JustDoItAlways]

When dating single moms (which I would never do), the rule is that she is in charge of her children, disciplining them and everything else involved.

You role is to support her and bang her silly but you are not their father.

There may come a day when you assume some of that role (with her permission first) but she will always be the primary parent.

If you eventually have kids together, then you get to be one of the primary parents. Which is why it is so screwed up in the first place. Some kids you get to discipline and other you don't. It sometimes works but it would simply be better if men and women lived up to their responsibilities in the first place. Have kids when you are both ready and when you are both sure that you can spend the next thirty years together at least.

 

[RKTek]

Liz, even though you resort to ad hominem attacks, I respectfully disagree with everything you wrote and your post seethes with hidden anger. For example, no one mentioned "all mighty man that he is". Whew. Nor did Rev hope that her children would 'go away'. YOU said that. It's obvious Rev knew from the beginning she had kids and proceeded with trying to build a relationship with this woman. I've been in his shoes a couple of times now and each time, believe it or not, I've tried my BEST to be friends and a decent role model to her kids. Admittedly I never said a word in front of her kids, but then again, notice the email Rev posted was written by her and filtered through her emotionalism. Regardless, this woman, and possibly you, need to get your priorities straight.

"I put my daughter ahead of him in the whole line of things when it comes down to it".

What a great way to build an intimate relationship with a man. Except that you called it temporary. Does he know that?

As you advised Rev, maybe he'll wake up one day and bail too, I hope BEFORE the wedding or else he's got a world of potential problems awaiting him.

 

[Shiftkey]

RKTek, I think you're confusing love with respect and intimacy. They're related, but not the same thing.

 

[Starman]

" But mom should love her man first and foremost. It is a different and abiding kind of love. Children WILL eventually grow up and leave home. While they are small, children must know they are loved. Fortunately children don't need the same type of intimate love a man and woman have for each other."

Just out of curiosity RKTEK, where are you getting your facts from? or are you just basing your post based on your own judgement value?

I agree parents have to love each other and display love as role models for their children.

I disagree that parents should love each other foremost. Sure there are different modes of love..

but if you look at evolutionary theory..men and women are made for the sole purpose of mating.."love" is another evolutionary feature that enables a man and woman to stay together until the child is self sufficient

Thus you can see based on that theory..parent/child bond is much more potent than romantic love

sheesh..we are not even sure if Humans are REALLY meant to be monogamous creatures..thus love for partner cannot possibly be greater than love for child

 

[The Dominated1]

I agree with the lady, on the kids issue and this seems to be a hot topic.

However I have some concerns about other parts of the email.

Is this a game, is she expecting him to come grovelling back and if he does will he have lost all control challenge etc. Is she possibly using her kids to gain control of the relationship

Quotes

"I think it would be best that we don't see eachother anymore as a couple but when you're in town we can still party together with our friends."

"It would best for you to be dating someone who is closer to your age, has no kids, and lives near you anyway. I wish the best for you and I hope you'll find the love of your life. You deserve it. I'll give your charger back when you're in town next time. Just let me know.
I'll really miss you,"


Anybody care to comment?

 

[Starman]

I'll comment..she is manipulating him to change by threatening leaving/walking out..

yet she is trying to be firm with him..but she screwed up because she is sending mixed signals


STOP IT!

MOVE ON!

I MISS YOU!

boo fvckin Hoo

 

[Dark Nimbus]

While I don’t agree with RKtek about coming into a single mothers life and assuming she’ll put me on top of her priority list, I do agree that the biological father should in fact be placed at the top above the kids in the love department. The problem is that there’s more to consider then just love, like instincts to protect your children or the responsibility to raise them properly and give them the best life you can provide. What I mean by this is that in certain situations the kids will come first. For example, if my house was burning down they will be my priority because they need my protection. It’s my responsibility as the father, and decision maker to have kids and be responsible for them, that I will try to save them first. My reasoning behind this is sort of primitive, and it has to do with picking a healthy woman in the first place who can take care of herself if she has to. My point is love and parental responsibilities are two different things, and while you should put your kids life before your own, you should love your wife more then them.

Why? Because you have a lot of time to think about having to spend the rest of my life with a single woman, and you wouldn’t marry her if you didn’t have strong feelings for her and knew she felt the same way about you. The kids won’t grow up emotionally disturbed if they see how happy I am with their mother or that I’d rather take a private vacation with mommy then with them.

If you chose your children over the biological father, you’re showing them that they have power over the father, and that isn’t a good thing IMO. Call me old fashioned, but I believe the man should be in charge and have the final say, and any belittling of his authority by the children because they know mom will back them up is absurd. The man and woman have to be a strong unit because they set the example for the kids of how a real relationship SHOULD be. This doesn’t mean you’re not showing love for the kids, it just shows there’s unity and stability in the relationship and they can always count on their parents as the solid foundation for their growth. If the kids can find any cracks between you and your wife, they won’t feel as secure and you’ll be limiting their potential in some ways because of the insecurities they develop from knowing that.

Back to the original topic though, I think the mother in Rev’s story did the right thing by getting rid of him. I wouldn’t have much respect for her if she kept him around after the way he talked about the kids, especially in front of them. That’s just pathetic on his part and shows he has a lot of growing up to do still. Why the fvck would you make a kid feel like sh1t just to make yourself feel better or try to pry your way between the mother and her kids? What kind of a DJ are you?

 

[trajhenkhet]

I think this is more an issue of respect (or the lack thereof), than it is one of love.