Should I get serious w/ a Single Mother???

[Desdinova]

Calling Des and Rollo!

Yeah? What the fvck do you want?



I know, I know

Not much more to say really, except why would anybody want to "get more serious" with a woman who doesn't meet the high standards that they set for themselves? You're selling yourself short and settling for "good enough" instead of "fantastic". I'd continue to date her, but keep my options open for a woman who would treat you good AND have no kids.

Women deserve a chance to meet your list of qualifications for an ideal woman to have a LTR with. When she doesn't meet one of your qualifications, she should immediately be tossed into the "only for fun or sex" category. Most of the SMs I met were immediately disqualified from dating me the moment they mentioned they had offspring. I knew the ones I dated who did have offspring were only temporary since they didn't meet my high standards.

You should be fussy with women you want to "get serious" with. Just because she wants to "get serious", it doesn't mean it's a good idea. Any woman you "get serious" with is a potential for more, including marriage. All those things you didn't like about her when you started dating her will become permanent fixtures in your life.

Also, if you let a woman dictate the direction of the relationship without you agreeing 100%, you've just handed your nuts over to her. Also, if you were certain that she was a good woman without any doubts, you wouldn't be asking us for our opinions.

 

[Vulpine]

The question was: Should I get serious w/single mother?

No.

Quit spinning plates and settle down with 21 y.o. mommy? Is this a troll? Are you kidding me? So you've said you aren't going to marry her, so an LTR is a waste of time - both yours and hers.

She's treating you like a king and you're eating it up: you are going to get full-blown one-itis if you keep seeing her.

I say she's an FB at best.

Edit: Oop - Des did jump in, so I'm basically echoing his opinion.

 

[WestCoaster]

Fair enough Latino. I'm also not against marrying a woman with kids ... I'm just of the 20's-30's "have fun" decade as I've expoused on numerous times. As long as he doesn't get roped in too quickly, have fun.

I do think she's trying to rope him in ... she'll show him her beyotch qualities after 30 when American society has convinced her that all men are evil.

 

[Latinoman]

Women deserve a chance to meet your list of qualifications for an ideal woman to have a LTR with. When she doesn't meet one of your qualifications, she should immediately be tossed into the "only for fun or sex" category. Most of the SMs I met were immediately disqualified from dating me the moment they mentioned they had offspring. I knew the ones I dated who did have offspring were only temporary since they didn't meet my high standards.

I think that there things called "deal breakers". If she has a qualification that is categorized as a "deal breaker", then she should be tossed away.

Now, NO ONE will find the "Ideal" woman (unless that woman play the game of "ideal"). So, we have to put "weight" on things such as "dealbreaker", "MUST have", "nice to have", etc. Maybe she has qualities that are not perfect...but to him are not "deal breaker" qualities.

Here is the situation...he didn't toss this woman from the begining. Therefore, the fact that she has a child is NOT a big deal to him. If anything, it is a big deal to him NOW, because of what we have writen in the past in this Forum. I don't date (DATE the key word here) single mothers. But that's MY choice. It is NOT a choice based on what other men thing. Sure, it is important to read and understand what others have to deal with when dealing with women with children (single mothers). But at the end, it should be up to him to decide.

In this particular situation...I see some advantages. He already have a woman that is cooking for him and god knows, she is probably doing his laundry. How many women under the age of 30 do that for their boyfriends? Almost NONE!

Furthermore, she is 21...but she has a small child AND a career. Which means that she has little to no time to go out and get drunk, etc. That's ANOTHER plus.

This is not an OLD single mother, that has a child from some dead beat father, and that has no career. This is a woman that appears to be decent and that treats him great!

The REAL problem here is that she is only 21 (regardless of the single-mom status) and marrying somebody that young is almost buying time for a divorce.


Now...once again, he is not saying the M world "marriage". And I agree 100%...he should keep his options open and his eyes open. If he can manage to do that...then he should be alright.

I will be more blunt...even when a man if MARRIED. If that woman fails in some areas that he deem important...he should dump her (after trying to work the issues) and move on.

A man needs to learn how to be in "relationship" too. Jumping on several one-night-stands won't do the trick.

Now, once again...I personally don't want a serious relationship (heck, NO relationship) with ANY woman with children. The reason is simple: I don't have the energy nor want the responsibility that comes with the dealing of that child or the kids father. The ONLY children I want to deal with are my OWN.

 

[WestCoaster]

Yeah? What the fvck do you want?



I know, I know



Also, if you let a woman dictate the direction of the relationship without you agreeing 100%, you've just handed your nuts over to her.

Two LOL's!! Your intro and handing your nuts over ... I think an ex-gf of mine in Portland, Oregon, still has my nuts in a bottle during my AFC days. Wonder if I can get them back ... and yep, single mommy. HUGE mistake by me.

 

[Latinoman]

Fair enough Latino. I'm also not against marrying a woman with kids ... I'm just of the 20's-30's "have fun" decade as I've expoused on numerous times. As long as he doesn't get roped in too quickly, have fun.

I do think she's trying to rope him in ... she'll show him her beyotch qualities after 30 when American society has convinced her that all men are evil.

Of course she is trying to rope him!

But if he is a TRUE "dj"...he won't allow that to happen. He will use 100% rationality and take advantage of the situation (without being abusive). And he will continue having his eyes open until something more suitable appears OR until she mess up OR until he feels is time to go back "hunting". Sometimes we want to take a break from the "hunting" and "nightlife".

Now...I agree with all you guys on the "single mother" issue. Especially if they have kids out of wedlock. That's why I don't date single mothers (I did in the past - but for the FWB purpose- and that was a mistake).

 

[Desdinova]

Now, NO ONE will find the "Ideal" woman

I beg to differ. I never said "the perfect one" or "soulmate", just "ideal woman". She will not be perfect, but her good qualities should outweigh her bad ones. It also depends on what "bad qualities" you're willing to put up with.

Also, he's getting a package. It's now "Ideal woman and child". There's two personalities here that he's got to deal with. He can't just take the woman and throw the child in the garbage. Perhaps he should be asking himself at this point what he wants in a child. If he's gonna go for gold, he might as well qualify the kid while he's at it.

A man needs to learn how to be in "relationship" too. Jumping on several one-night-stands won't do the trick.

I wholeheartedly agree, but we missed a step in the middle here called a STR (Short-Term Relationship). That's where you learn your basic relationship skills. Anything after that is unique to the LTR experience and is never the same in any two LTRs.

Furthermore, she is 21...but she has a small child AND a career. Which means that she has little to no time to go out and get drunk, etc. That's ANOTHER plus.

A 21 y.o. SM is still a 21 y.o. woman. Do you actually know how many young SMs are out at the bar? LOTS. Where there's a will, there's a way. The child doesn't stop them from going out and "living life". Sadly, some SMs will sacrifice their children to "live life".

In this particular situation...I see some advantages. He already have a woman that is cooking for him and god knows, she is probably doing his laundry. How many women under the age of 30 do that for their boyfriends?

To answer your question, most SMs will do this for their BFs since they already do it for their children.

 

[Latinoman]

Dedisnova, I cannot argue (or debate) your points. You make some good ones.

I still believe it is going to be up to him. And the "short-term" relationship terminology is actually a good one. Maybe he wants to take a break...if that is the case...that's cool. But if he wants to go into a LTR with this woman, then I strongly agree with you 100%.

 

[WestCoaster]

Actually, in your 20's you shouldn't be worrying about ideal woman, who is cooking and cleaning for you or whatever. You should have your own place and be dating single/no kids women up a storm, as in many, many, many ... if you don't there's probably a 99 percent chance that when you hit 40 with this woman you'll be b-tching that you didn't.

Newsflash: You're only 20-30 ONCE. This is the decade of opportunity for playing the field, establishing your career, travel, not being tied down. I think the term is called FREEDOM. You have the rest of your life to pay off mortgages, be married and/or divorced, pay child support, etc. You are in the decade of FREEDOM and when women are in their prime. Take advantage of it, if you don't you'll regret it.

Also, I'd say the majority of my friends thought they were marrying the ideal woman and they drastically changed after they got married. There are no guarantees.

Well, there is one guarantee: You'll only live the 20-30 decade once. I say live it up while you can and date age-appropriate/no kiddie women. If they don't cook and clean for you, tough sh-t ... you're single, you can do that on your own. You should be dating, having sex with, having fun with as many women as possible. Worry about LTRs and STRs waaaaayyyyy down the road.

Even if you marry at 40 and both live to 80, that's 40 freaking years together ... that's a long-a$$ time.

Forget the chick and her kid, and meet and date hot, young college chicks. If you do this, you'll thank me down the road.

As Rollo T. says, a man is only as good as his options. You have plenty of them right now, but are only seeing one!

 

[Latinoman]

Good post Westcoaster.

I think he should still get the King Treatment. I know I would.

But I also know my nature and would probably have a couple on the side. (I KNOW I would have a couple more on the side). But that's something that I would personally do...and not necessary advice.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

Latinoman, you have done a good job explaning my situation.

Standards- Having a child is a negative in my book, but not a complete deal breaker. Marriage is not even part of the equation and I disagree that a LTR isn't worth it if marriage isn't in the picture. She fits all of my requirements except having a child.

One think I need to say about me is that I'm not looking to hook up with several women and just aimlessly fk around. I've done that and it doesn't really make me happy. I get tons of attention from all kinds of women everyday, but I'm still happy with the SM. I appreciate everyones input and you guys have said somethings that I need to hear.

Here is my tally:

1- Beautiful woman with a great body
2- Great attitude (funny, dwn to earth, ...)
3- Independent w/ career and own place
4- She treats me great and her behavior has been consistent and congruent.

The only negative is the child, but that isn't even a HUGE turn off; the kid is gone most weekends w/ his father or with his grandmother. She is young, but she hasn't shown any signs of crazy ho yet...

I can't understand how anyone could suggest that I'm settling for 2nd best. I'm sure she is using her 'company manners' with me, but until she turns sour I can't think of any reason to not take her seriously.

I hope I don't sound too defensive...



****Forget the chick and her kid, and meet and date hot, young college chicks. If you do this, you'll thank me down the road.****

I've dated and fked young college chicks, but I want to do more than just date.

 

[Desdinova]

One think I need to say about me is that I'm not looking to hook up with several women and just aimlessly fk around. I've done that and it doesn't really make me happy.

Like you, I've experienced the unsatisfying cycle of the dating game. It gets boring, repetitive, and easy. However, I didn't find a good enough woman to have a LTR with. So I changed my mindset on the whole dating scene. I figured that dating is a way to pass time until I find the ideal woman for a LTR. And it no longer was a chore. I decided to continue living my life regardless of my relationship status. And then I got into a LTR with a good woman.

The thing is, I'd be happy regardless of my relationship status. Life is good! Women aren't the source of my happiness, but they can add or subtract from it.

On Latinoman's viewpoint of having a break from the dating scene, who says he needs to be with a woman to have a break?

I hope I don't sound too defensive...

Not at all. As long as you keep your head out of the emotional clouds, you won't trip on anything.

 

[MatureDJ]

A man without children who becomes the man of a single mother has essentially become the beta male. He is getting "sloppy seconds". He is putting up with a woman who has a child that she dotes on, whereas he has none. If they get married, he is the one whose income will inevitably be going to support the child of some other man, without being able to spend money on his own child.

In the animal kingdom, the alpha male injects his sp3rm into the females, and the beta males are the ones that form the periphery of the herd so that any predator will attack one of them instead of the females ro the alpha male. Sure every once in a while, the beta males gets to butt heads with the alpha male (and the winner becomes the alpha male at that time, with the loser going into beta male status) ... Oops, Ive gottne off tangemt, but I think that you get my point.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

A man without children who becomes the man of a single mother has essentially become the beta male. He is getting "sloppy seconds". He is putting up with a woman who has a child that she dotes on, whereas he has none. If they get married, he is the one whose income will inevitably be going to support the child of some other man, without being able to spend money on his own child.

In the animal kingdom, the alpha male injects his sp3rm into the females, and the beta males are the ones that form the periphery of the herd so that any predator will attack one of them instead of the females ro the alpha male. Sure every once in a while, the beta males gets to butt heads with the alpha male (and the winner becomes the alpha male at that time, with the loser going into beta male status) ... Oops, Ive gottne off tangemt, but I think that you get my point.

I use to feel like this, but not any more. I've reconciled such feelings and human life is more complexed than an unreasoning animal whose life provides little variation.

 

[NewMan]

I'm going to comment based on personal experience.

I meet a single mom 2 yrs ago now (fvck it's been that long).

I made it quite clear that I wanted a no strings attanched relationship - which she was all for. She was getting a divorce - had been married to a guy who had her on a short leash - and so, being with me - a fun, cool, relaxed, partying machine - was happy to hang and basically get laid a couple times a week.

Like you, the father of her kid was heavily involved, taking half custody.

For over a yr. I never even meet her kid - I'd do my thing when she was mum.

She treated me like a king - would come over and clean my apartment - wash my clothes, cook and shop for groceries. I never asked her to, or expected her to - but she did it anyway. To her I was the man - and I make the decisions.

To boot, sex was awesome. She wanted to fvck aqll the time - was always ready to go - a higher sex drive than I've got - so there was no way I was going to drop this situation.

Fast forward to today.

I meet her kid and we hang out together. She does not expect anything from me - she takes care of her kid. Ive grown somewhat attached to her kid - it's really inevitable unless your an uncaring b@stard.....

I've always has a problem with single moms - and here is the rub.

If you get serious with her - your going to eventually develop a bond with her and then her kid. You get deeper and deeper into the relationship - it's inevitable no matter what you say. You will see her more, spend more time with her - she will expect more - and she will look to you as more and more of a father figure - because deep down, she is looking for someone to be there long term.

She wants something more serious with you, because she has penciled you as a possible father figure to her kid.

As this happens, and you get more involved, it becomes harder for you to spin more plates. Your not going to have as much freedom. If you don't see her when she's momy, she will expect you to start as you get more serious - and this balloons - so, slowly at frirst, you will begin to spend more Friday/Saturday nights at home watching movies, or Tv as little johnny is upstairs asleep.

Your oportunity to meet other SINGLE non mummy women decreases.

And you get deeper into the relationship....

you may wake up one morning and wonder is this really what you want. To be the father figure to someone else's kid. To shaperone around someone else's kid. To spend some of your weekend time with someone else's kid.....

if you want more kid's - and she's the one - then go for it.

But, if your not really serious, then there is no point to become more serious.

Remember, you will always have an outside influence on your relationship. The kids father will always be around - and he will always have an influence (however little) on your relationship....

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

Thanks...

Maybe I'll have a story like yours in a year or two. I'm willing to find out the hard way. It seems like everyone thinks that life is all about dating and fking every hot girl that walks.

 

[Vulpine]

It seems like everyone thinks that life is all about dating and fking every hot girl that walks.

HEY! HEY! HEY!


:nono:

I screw paraplegics too.



Just not paraplegics with kids.

:kick:

I'm 26 and I've been 'seeing' this beautiful 21 yr old woman and things are going really great, but she wants to get "serious." She has a two year old son whose father is very much in the picture of his life...

Pot: "You're black."
Kettle: "????"

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

What is the worst thing that could happen? She turns out to be a byatch, I end up spending time with the kid, I get burned, we have a nasty break up, I fall in love???

I'm mature enough to handle all of those problems; I've had worse shyt happen to me than all of the above.

 

[ElChoclo]

I could tell you what the worse thing which could happen to you might be, but that would involve a boring tale of my own suffering. Take it on faith, casually dating single mothers is like casually using heroin. Either you'll hate it or you'll love it. And you don't want to love it.

Kids cost money. Just mentally visualize a debt of over a $100K when you look at the kid, you know, just like in the cartoons when the coyote starts to see the roadrunner metamorphize into a roast dinner. I thought I'd put it in terms which you could understand.

You can listen to those who have never married, or to those who are happily married, but just like air safety, it pays to listen to those who deal with the crashes, if you want to know what can go wrong.

As Yul Brynner said before dying of lung cancer, in his anti-smoking ad, "Just don't smoke". I say to you, just don't date them.

 

[SELF-MASTERY]

Kids cost money. Just mentally visualize a debt of over a $100K when you look at the kid, you know, just like in the cartoons when the coyote starts to see the roadrunner metamorphize into a roast dinner. I thought I'd put it in terms which you could understand.

How does that apply to me? We don't live together and never will.

A lot of you sound very bitter and damaged by bad relationships.

Talk about a slippery slope...