Serious help. Did I overreact? What would you have done DJs?

[BackInTheGame78]

OP let me share my experience with a girl who from the onset of a relationship we had, expressed how much of an ******* her ex was to her. The way she expressed herself, I could feel it still pained her up until that very same day. She said she was in the hospital dying, and the dude did not visit her .... and dismissed her news of being in the hospital.

fast forward a couple months later after I "committed" and spent thousands of dollars on trips and eating lavish (not because of her, that's my lifestyle and what I enjoy), a trip to Mexico City, and a trip to Argentina, my GUT told me something was definitely off.

After snooping through her phone, my GUT was right. guess what? she was on a snapchat streak with an account. i confronted her, she called BS. little while after, she came to 'confess'. she says it was her ex, and that he reached out first (i've seen a lot of that shared on here) and that she was merely being polite. HAAAAAA

man, if I knew then what I know now....I would have left her in Mexico City alone.

it is NOT worth the trouble. for content: I ended up slapping this girl so hard, that after, I was walking to my vehicle and fell on my knees and went backwards, tearing both of my quad tendons. I could not walk for 8 months. It was like God sent instant karma and a serious wake up call.

that was it for me. she insisted on staying around until eventually she got the message. I had to threaten her that she would get hurt, for her to stay away. even so she was chasing via email and text.

Seems like you have a pattern of dating the same women over and over again based on your other thread.

 

[upcoming_DJ]

Seems like you have a pattern of dating the same women over and over again based on your other thread.

I do, and I am aware of that. Something I'm working on. If you know where I'm coming from, and how far I've come from there...you'd understand. I was a terrible CHUMP, no shame in admitting.

 

[upcoming_DJ]

Another thing is that women who have an abusive past show bad judgment.
They didn't get kidnapped by an abusive man. These women fall for a 'bad/exciting' or 'just-like-my-abusive-daddy' man, then find out that many of these men actively hate women and will try to destroy her.
So these women manage to get out by the skin of their teeth and instead of assuming some responsibility/accountability for voluntarily choosing their abuser, they project their abuse guilt into blaming everything on the type of men who take that projection seriously and allow themselves to feel guilty over victimising women.

yup, and sabotage so many other things in her life, not only romantic/sexual relationships.

 

[holycrapman]

Holy crap guys. Thanks for all your answers. All I can say is that breaking up with a women is the biggest aphrodisiac for them, seriously.

I haven't taken her back and probably I will not take her back as a gf, however, let me tell you this woman has done and performed the freakiest of the freakiest things ever. Chasing after me 100% and it feels fair.

The point is that I still cannot forget what happened and it's dangerous sometimes because they do their mental gymnastics to try to convince you it was nothing. You gotta be careful with what you believe in and your frame.

Right now I am just relaxing, dedicating most of my time to my job and purpose and creating new leads to plate.

It's tough though when you decide to love these women. Detachment is key from what I am experiencing here.

 

[holycrapman]

OP let me share my experience with a girl who from the onset of a relationship we had, expressed how much of an ******* her ex was to her. The way she expressed herself, I could feel it still pained her up until that very same day. She said she was in the hospital dying, and the dude did not visit her .... and dismissed her news of being in the hospital.

fast forward a couple months later after I "committed" and spent thousands of dollars on trips and eating lavish (not because of her, that's my lifestyle and what I enjoy), a trip to Mexico City, and a trip to Argentina, my GUT told me something was definitely off.

After snooping through her phone, my GUT was right. guess what? she was on a snapchat streak with an account. i confronted her, she called BS. little while after, she came to 'confess'. she says it was her ex, and that he reached out first (i've seen a lot of that shared on here) and that she was merely being polite. HAAAAAA

man, if I knew then what I know now....I would have left her in Mexico City alone.

it is NOT worth the trouble. for content: I ended up slapping this girl so hard, that after, I was walking to my vehicle and fell on my knees and went backwards, tearing both of my quad tendons. I could not walk for 8 months. It was like God sent instant karma and a serious wake up call.

that was it for me. she insisted on staying around until eventually she got the message. I had to threaten her that she would get hurt, for her to stay away. even so she was chasing via email and text.

Wow what a story man. I am so thankful for having this gut instinct. For real.

I'm in my 30's and I have never hit a woman (outside ****). I get you, sometimes they get the best of you and it's a lesson to control our temper and emotions.

 

[holycrapman]

This is one of the reasons I started taking women's story with a grain of salt, every woman has a "woe it's me story" but once you start dealing with said women you learn pretty quickly why things go left.

I try to show empathy but personally, if I just met a woman I'm paying more attention to her actions than words, a lot of women can spin a good tale and after a while you become numb to hearing the same b.s. especially once their true colors show

I get you. It was a shame with this one because her behavior was absolutely good. For real, something you don't see a lot these days. But that stuff is dangerous because it can make you overlook the facts

 

[holycrapman]

The right move is walk away. The odds of her being mature and composed enough to not put you and the relationship through this are slim, but I would remiss if I didn’t say I’ve dealt with this before and have worked through it.

You could try letting her know that social media is not something you believe in, and do a mutual deletion of your profiles, which honestly I think is the best whether or not you and her are together.

I don’t think that you should have to socialize with, or otherwise be involved with, your partner’s exes. Of course, there is always an exception, but I think 9/10 times it should be over with and not expected to recur or be allowed in the future.

Were you paranoid afterwards? It's the hiding part that makes it very difficult for me. What were your results when you worked through it?

 

[Bokanovsky]

Hi everyone. Your thoughts on this will be greatly appreciate it:

My gf or exgf, met 1 year ago on Bumble. We wa ited 6 months to be official (Inwas spinning plates) and it was one of the best relationships I ever had with a chick.

She came from a 4 year relationship with a guy who in her words "treated her terribly".

That should have been your first red flag. A woman complaining about being treated terribly by her ex is kind of like a teenager saying that his parents are jerks.

That fact act she was purportedly in a four year relationship with a cruel and abusive man means one of two things:

1. She is lying about the abuse (a manipulation technique).
2. She is suffering form what used to be called the "battered wife syndrome". Basically, she is addicted to absue and is incapable of being happy in a normal, non-abusive relationship.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Holy crap guys. Thanks for all your answers. All I can say is that breaking up with a women is the biggest aphrodisiac for them, seriously.

I haven't taken her back and probably I will not take her back as a gf, however, let me tell you this woman has done and performed the freakiest of the freakiest things ever. Chasing after me 100% and it feels fair.

The point is that I still cannot forget what happened and it's dangerous sometimes because they do their mental gymnastics to try to convince you it was nothing. You gotta be careful with what you believe in and your frame.

Right now I am just relaxing, dedicating most of my time to my job and purpose and creating new leads to plate.

It's tough though when you decide to love these women. Detachment is key from what I am experiencing here.

Yes, that's how these type of broken women get men to stay with them and all their craziness, by being fire in the bedroom.

It causes many guys to willingly ignore giant red flags.

 

[holycrapman]

Yes, that's how these type of broken women get men to stay with them and all their craziness, by being fire in the bedroom.

It causes many guys to willingly ignore giant red flags.

I remember a girl I had one time that wanted me to beat the crap out of her in the bedroom to punish her acknowledged bad behavior instead of just changing it

They are just nuts

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I remember a girl I had one time that wanted me to beat the crap out of her in the bedroom to punish her acknowledged bad behavior instead of just changing it

They are just nuts

I had one that wanted me to fvck her in the ass so I was going to town and pounding her up the ass and then she suddenly turned around and grabbed my c0ck and swallowed it and started sucking me off...

I found it disgusting but hot at the same time...until she tried to kiss me after

 

[Divorced w 3]

Were you paranoid afterwards? It's the hiding part that makes it very difficult for me. What were your results when you worked through it?

I misread some of this. If I understand properly, she was posing for a photo with her ex boyfriend while you were dating exclusively. I have never been cheated on.

You may call this paranoia or you may want to use a different, slightly nuanced word that respects your feelings and reasonable intuition / judgment.

I am really not a good candidate for advice here, having never been through it.

I will tell you one thing that I do know to be true: handling this with patience, calmness, seeking help, not shooting first and asking later, is always to one’s credit. You’re miles ahead of a lot of folks, on that, me included.

 

[holycrapman]

I misread some of this. If I understand properly, she was posing for a photo with her ex boyfriend while you were dating exclusively. I have never been cheated on.

You may call this paranoia or you may want to use a different, slightly nuanced word that respects your feelings and reasonable intuition / judgment.

I am really not a good candidate for advice here, having never been through it.

I will tell you one thing that I do know to be true: handling this with patience, calmness, seeking help, not shooting first and asking later, is always to one’s credit. You’re miles ahead of a lot of folks, on that, me included.

Thank you. The issue was not the picture. It was uncomfortable though. The issue is she re added her "abusive ex" after telling me 2 weeks prior that she felt uncomfortable that I was following my ex (that I followed before meeting her and with which I did not have such a toxic past with). So I unfollowed my ex out of respect and then I realize that 2 weeks after that convo, she and her ex re followed each other and she did not tell me anything. I don't know if they texted or not. I did not check the phone. She deleted and blocked him right away, said it was out of "curiosity", ackowledged her mistake and apologized. But for me the damaged was done, you know?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Thank you. The issue was not the picture. It was uncomfortable though. The issue is she re added her "abusive ex" after telling me 2 weeks prior that she felt uncomfortable that I was following my ex (that I followed before meeting her and with which I did not have such a toxic past with). So I unfollowed my ex out of respect and then I realize that 2 weeks after that convo, she and her ex re followed each other and she did not tell me anything. I don't know if they texted or not. I did not check the phone. She deleted and blocked him right away, said it was out of "curiosity", ackowledged her mistake and apologized. But for me the damaged was done, you know?

Moral of the story and life lesson?

Don't give women roles and status in your life they don't qualify for.

She didn't qualify for anything other than target practice while you looked for someone that was more suitable long-term.

You decided to get into an LTR with a woman who you knew early on didn't qualify for that. Or at least SHOULDN'T have qualified of you are screening properly.

Essentially you wasted multiple years of your life you'll never get back on a woman that could never be what you wanted her to be and you knew that.

 

[holycrapman]

Moral of the story and life lesson?

Don't give women roles and status in your life they don't qualify for.

She didn't qualify for anything other than target practice while you looked for someone that was more suitable long-term.

You decided to get into an LTR with a woman who you knew early on didn't qualify for that. Or at least SHOULDN'T have qualified of you are screening properly.

Essentially you wasted multiple years of your life you'll never get back on a woman that could never be what you wanted her to be and you knew that.

You are just spot on. Thank you

 

[holycrapman]

Don't mind me, but I think you shouldn't have unfollowed your ex because it made your current gf 'uncomfortable'. Everybody has a past and while she can certainly ask why you're following an ex, I'd discuss why it made her uncomfortable.

Maybe she wasn't secure enough about your loyalty and commitment to her, which is understandable with her abusive past, but she cannot reasonably request/demand that you unfollow an ex on social media.
If you're a normal person with normal relationships, you will only sever the connection totally if your ex was abusive or otherwise bad for you, but most normal relationships part amicably. And if you had a relationship based on more than just sex, it stands to reason that you remain in contact - sending birthday/Christmas wishes, that sort of thing.

One of the hallmarks of the domestic abuser is isolating their victim, getting the victim to sever ties with the past, friends and family. I'm always alert when someone tries to do something like that. I'm not saying your ex is a domestic abuser, but her insecurity and demanding nature (while not going quid pro quo) raise a lot of red flags.

I've had my share of insecure / jealous lovers, but most of it is based on fear of abandonment. To me, the way that someone treats their exes says a lot about how they form connections. If someone pedestals their girlfriend but calls her a 'gutter wh0re' the moment the relationship is over, I don't trust their judgment and how they treat people in general.

I hear you. She did not demand it. I did it out of respect because of her excellent behavior as a gf. I thought she deserved it and I actually did not talk to my ex anymore or gave a **** about her so I did not mind

 

[holycrapman]

Don't mind me, but I think you shouldn't have unfollowed your ex because it made your current gf 'uncomfortable'. Everybody has a past and while she can certainly ask why you're following an ex, I'd discuss why it made her uncomfortable.

Maybe she wasn't secure enough about your loyalty and commitment to her, which is understandable with her abusive past, but she cannot reasonably request/demand that you unfollow an ex on social media.
If you're a normal person with normal relationships, you will only sever the connection totally if your ex was abusive or otherwise bad for you, but most normal relationships part amicably. And if you had a relationship based on more than just sex, it stands to reason that you remain in contact - sending birthday/Christmas wishes, that sort of thing.

One of the hallmarks of the domestic abuser is isolating their victim, getting the victim to sever ties with the past, friends and family. I'm always alert when someone tries to do something like that. I'm not saying your ex is a domestic abuser, but her insecurity and demanding nature (while not going quid pro quo) raise a lot of red flags.

I've had my share of insecure / jealous lovers, but most of it is based on fear of abandonment. To me, the way that someone treats their exes says a lot about how they form connections. If someone pedestals their girlfriend but calls her a 'gutter wh0re' the moment the relationship is over, I don't trust their judgment and how they treat people in general.

As a counselor yourself. Would you consider this whole episode as cheating? I have been struggling with that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I mean, the whole thing that happened with this woman.

 

[holycrapman]

I'm sure she didn't 'demand' it. She questioned it, which raises red flags in me. Confident secure women don't give a sh!t about you still having contact with exes. If a woman gets uptight about you not severing connections with people you used to love, she still sees them as a threat. She just 'mentions' that your connection with your ex makes her 'uncomfortable'. Those are weasel words. She is straight-out manipulating you, but she doesn't twist your arm. She lets you twist your own arm.
Regardless how you felt about your ex, 'obeying' your gf's hint (you can call it rewarding, but why would it be a reward?) indicates to her that she can control you.
Like I say, give a woman what she needs, not what she wants. And leave her wanting. If she stops wanting, she will want something else. You have to keep boundaries. Whenever a woman asks/requests/hints some change in your behaviour, it's mostly about testing your boundaries of being manipulated.
This is exactly why this is so hard for most men. You don't have to reward her behaviour. She doesn't 'deserve' this reward just for being a decent person. When a woman loves you, they will do everything without expecting a reward. Reciprocation, perhaps, but not a reward.


If I have to go by what you wrote and whether you're in a monogamous exclusive relationship, I think she betrayed your trust. I'm not going into how to define cheating, but she shouldn't hide her social behaviour.

If you don't feel like you can trust her (again), any relationship you would have with her (even FWB) would be pointless.

I appreciate you, man. Thanks a lot for those words. It really helps me understand myself and the situation

 

[holycrapman]

Sideways related: like I said, You don't reward her behaviour. But what if you want to show your appreciation?
Don't buy her anything. Your currency is your attention and your validation. Give her something that shows your attention was on her by spending time doing something for or with her.
I write poetry. One of the things my lovers enjoy is when they can recognise themselves in my poems. That's a reward that shows I think of them and they are a priority.
View attachment 13311
(rossz macska is Hungarian for 'bad kitty'. The 'bad things' refers to my Hungarian lover mentioning how the theme song of the TV series 'True Blood' always makes her feel about me.)

Attention and Validation is important to women. Important enough to stray when another man gives her the attention and validation she is lacking in her relationship. You want to bind your woman to you? Make sure she knows she's in your thoughts.

One of the mistakes many men make is paying attention to a woman only in the courting stage, but 'taking her for granted' when the relationship is progressing.
And a lack of attention and validation cannot be assuaged with gifts, unless the gift is something special to her. And that is rarely jewellery, flowers or chocolates. Those three are the standard gifts for not paying attention and not validation your woman.
Neglecting her needs and giving her what she wants is the stupidest mistake most men make.

That's really cool what you do there with your poetry. You have just given me a lot to think about

 

[BaronOfHair]

Yes, that's how these type of broken women get men to stay with them and all their craziness, by being fire in the bedroom

So, you're not a proponent of taking those broken wings, and learning to fly again/learning to live so free? Even if you DO hear the voices singing, and see the book of love opening you up to let you and this chick in