Serious help. Did I overreact? What would you have done DJs?

[holycrapman]

Moral of the story and life lesson?

Don't give women roles and status in your life they don't qualify for.

She didn't qualify for anything other than target practice while you looked for someone that was more suitable long-term.

You decided to get into an LTR with a woman who you knew early on didn't qualify for that. Or at least SHOULDN'T have qualified of you are screening properly.

Essentially you wasted multiple years of your life you'll never get back on a woman that could never be what you wanted her to be and you knew that.

You are just spot on. Thank you

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Thank you. The issue was not the picture. It was uncomfortable though. The issue is she re added her "abusive ex" after telling me 2 weeks prior that she felt uncomfortable that I was following my ex (that I followed before meeting her and with which I did not have such a toxic past with). So I unfollowed my ex out of respect and then I realize that 2 weeks after that convo, she and her ex re followed each other and she did not tell me anything. I don't know if they texted or not. I did not check the phone. She deleted and blocked him right away, said it was out of "curiosity", ackowledged her mistake and apologized. But for me the damaged was done, you know?

Don't mind me, but I think you shouldn't have unfollowed your ex because it made your current gf 'uncomfortable'. Everybody has a past and while she can certainly ask why you're following an ex, I'd discuss why it made her uncomfortable.

Maybe she wasn't secure enough about your loyalty and commitment to her, which is understandable with her abusive past, but she cannot reasonably request/demand that you unfollow an ex on social media.
If you're a normal person with normal relationships, you will only sever the connection totally if your ex was abusive or otherwise bad for you, but most normal relationships part amicably. And if you had a relationship based on more than just sex, it stands to reason that you remain in contact - sending birthday/Christmas wishes, that sort of thing.

One of the hallmarks of the domestic abuser is isolating their victim, getting the victim to sever ties with the past, friends and family. I'm always alert when someone tries to do something like that. I'm not saying your ex is a domestic abuser, but her insecurity and demanding nature (while not going quid pro quo) raise a lot of red flags.

I've had my share of insecure / jealous lovers, but most of it is based on fear of abandonment. To me, the way that someone treats their exes says a lot about how they form connections. If someone pedestals their girlfriend but calls her a 'gutter wh0re' the moment the relationship is over, I don't trust their judgment and how they treat people in general.

 

[holycrapman]

Don't mind me, but I think you shouldn't have unfollowed your ex because it made your current gf 'uncomfortable'. Everybody has a past and while she can certainly ask why you're following an ex, I'd discuss why it made her uncomfortable.

Maybe she wasn't secure enough about your loyalty and commitment to her, which is understandable with her abusive past, but she cannot reasonably request/demand that you unfollow an ex on social media.
If you're a normal person with normal relationships, you will only sever the connection totally if your ex was abusive or otherwise bad for you, but most normal relationships part amicably. And if you had a relationship based on more than just sex, it stands to reason that you remain in contact - sending birthday/Christmas wishes, that sort of thing.

One of the hallmarks of the domestic abuser is isolating their victim, getting the victim to sever ties with the past, friends and family. I'm always alert when someone tries to do something like that. I'm not saying your ex is a domestic abuser, but her insecurity and demanding nature (while not going quid pro quo) raise a lot of red flags.

I've had my share of insecure / jealous lovers, but most of it is based on fear of abandonment. To me, the way that someone treats their exes says a lot about how they form connections. If someone pedestals their girlfriend but calls her a 'gutter wh0re' the moment the relationship is over, I don't trust their judgment and how they treat people in general.

I hear you. She did not demand it. I did it out of respect because of her excellent behavior as a gf. I thought she deserved it and I actually did not talk to my ex anymore or gave a **** about her so I did not mind

 

[holycrapman]

Don't mind me, but I think you shouldn't have unfollowed your ex because it made your current gf 'uncomfortable'. Everybody has a past and while she can certainly ask why you're following an ex, I'd discuss why it made her uncomfortable.

Maybe she wasn't secure enough about your loyalty and commitment to her, which is understandable with her abusive past, but she cannot reasonably request/demand that you unfollow an ex on social media.
If you're a normal person with normal relationships, you will only sever the connection totally if your ex was abusive or otherwise bad for you, but most normal relationships part amicably. And if you had a relationship based on more than just sex, it stands to reason that you remain in contact - sending birthday/Christmas wishes, that sort of thing.

One of the hallmarks of the domestic abuser is isolating their victim, getting the victim to sever ties with the past, friends and family. I'm always alert when someone tries to do something like that. I'm not saying your ex is a domestic abuser, but her insecurity and demanding nature (while not going quid pro quo) raise a lot of red flags.

I've had my share of insecure / jealous lovers, but most of it is based on fear of abandonment. To me, the way that someone treats their exes says a lot about how they form connections. If someone pedestals their girlfriend but calls her a 'gutter wh0re' the moment the relationship is over, I don't trust their judgment and how they treat people in general.

As a counselor yourself. Would you consider this whole episode as cheating? I have been struggling with that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I mean, the whole thing that happened with this woman.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I hear you. She did not demand it. I did it out of respect because of her excellent behavior as a gf. I thought she deserved it and I actually did not talk to my ex anymore or gave a **** about her so I did not mind

I'm sure she didn't 'demand' it. She questioned it, which raises red flags in me. Confident secure women don't give a sh!t about you still having contact with exes. If a woman gets uptight about you not severing connections with people you used to love, she still sees them as a threat. She just 'mentions' that your connection with your ex makes her 'uncomfortable'. Those are weasel words. She is straight-out manipulating you, but she doesn't twist your arm. She lets you twist your own arm.
Regardless how you felt about your ex, 'obeying' your gf's hint (you can call it rewarding, but why would it be a reward?) indicates to her that she can control you.
Like I say, give a woman what she needs, not what she wants. And leave her wanting. If she stops wanting, she will want something else. You have to keep boundaries. Whenever a woman asks/requests/hints some change in your behaviour, it's mostly about testing your boundaries of being manipulated.
This is exactly why this is so hard for most men. You don't have to reward her behaviour. She doesn't 'deserve' this reward just for being a decent person. When a woman loves you, they will do everything without expecting a reward. Reciprocation, perhaps, but not a reward.

As a counselor yourself. Would you consider this whole episode as cheating? I have been struggling with that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I mean, the whole thing that happened with this woman.

If I have to go by what you wrote and whether you're in a monogamous exclusive relationship, I think she betrayed your trust. I'm not going into how to define cheating, but she shouldn't hide her social behaviour.

If you don't feel like you can trust her (again), any relationship you would have with her (even FWB) would be pointless.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Sideways related: like I said, You don't reward her behaviour. But what if you want to show your appreciation?
Don't buy her anything. Your currency is your attention and your validation. Give her something that shows your attention was on her by spending time doing something for or with her.
I write poetry. One of the things my lovers enjoy is when they can recognise themselves in my poems. That's a reward that shows I think of them and they are a priority.

(rossz macska is Hungarian for 'bad kitty'. The 'bad things' refers to my Hungarian lover mentioning how the theme song of the TV series 'True Blood' always makes her feel about me.)

Attention and Validation is important to women. Important enough to stray when another man gives her the attention and validation she is lacking in her relationship. You want to bind your woman to you? Make sure she knows she's in your thoughts.

One of the mistakes many men make is paying attention to a woman only in the courting stage, but 'taking her for granted' when the relationship is progressing.
And a lack of attention and validation cannot be assuaged with gifts, unless the gift is something special to her. And that is rarely jewellery, flowers or chocolates. Those three are the standard gifts for not paying attention and not validation your woman.
Neglecting her needs and giving her what she wants is the stupidest mistake most men make.

 

[holycrapman]

I'm sure she didn't 'demand' it. She questioned it, which raises red flags in me. Confident secure women don't give a sh!t about you still having contact with exes. If a woman gets uptight about you not severing connections with people you used to love, she still sees them as a threat. She just 'mentions' that your connection with your ex makes her 'uncomfortable'. Those are weasel words. She is straight-out manipulating you, but she doesn't twist your arm. She lets you twist your own arm.
Regardless how you felt about your ex, 'obeying' your gf's hint (you can call it rewarding, but why would it be a reward?) indicates to her that she can control you.
Like I say, give a woman what she needs, not what she wants. And leave her wanting. If she stops wanting, she will want something else. You have to keep boundaries. Whenever a woman asks/requests/hints some change in your behaviour, it's mostly about testing your boundaries of being manipulated.
This is exactly why this is so hard for most men. You don't have to reward her behaviour. She doesn't 'deserve' this reward just for being a decent person. When a woman loves you, they will do everything without expecting a reward. Reciprocation, perhaps, but not a reward.


If I have to go by what you wrote and whether you're in a monogamous exclusive relationship, I think she betrayed your trust. I'm not going into how to define cheating, but she shouldn't hide her social behaviour.

If you don't feel like you can trust her (again), any relationship you would have with her (even FWB) would be pointless.

I appreciate you, man. Thanks a lot for those words. It really helps me understand myself and the situation

 

[holycrapman]

Sideways related: like I said, You don't reward her behaviour. But what if you want to show your appreciation?
Don't buy her anything. Your currency is your attention and your validation. Give her something that shows your attention was on her by spending time doing something for or with her.
I write poetry. One of the things my lovers enjoy is when they can recognise themselves in my poems. That's a reward that shows I think of them and they are a priority.
View attachment 13311
(rossz macska is Hungarian for 'bad kitty'. The 'bad things' refers to my Hungarian lover mentioning how the theme song of the TV series 'True Blood' always makes her feel about me.)

Attention and Validation is important to women. Important enough to stray when another man gives her the attention and validation she is lacking in her relationship. You want to bind your woman to you? Make sure she knows she's in your thoughts.

One of the mistakes many men make is paying attention to a woman only in the courting stage, but 'taking her for granted' when the relationship is progressing.
And a lack of attention and validation cannot be assuaged with gifts, unless the gift is something special to her. And that is rarely jewellery, flowers or chocolates. Those three are the standard gifts for not paying attention and not validation your woman.
Neglecting her needs and giving her what she wants is the stupidest mistake most men make.

That's really cool what you do there with your poetry. You have just given me a lot to think about

 

[BaronOfHair]

Yes, that's how these type of broken women get men to stay with them and all their craziness, by being fire in the bedroom

So, you're not a proponent of taking those broken wings, and learning to fly again/learning to live so free? Even if you DO hear the voices singing, and see the book of love opening you up to let you and this chick in

 

[Divorced w 3]

You have to keep boundaries. Whenever a woman asks/requests/hints some change in your behaviour, it's mostly about testing your boundaries of being manipulated.

Very true. They may not even realize in the moment what they are doing, but it will catch up to them eventually.

For example, I am in a very sticky situation right now with a woman I have been seeing for about two years. The crux of it is whether or not a future beyond dating and mutual commitment is in the cards. The steady line from me has been, yes I’m open to it, including having a child but she would need to pursue a certain type of job in a certain type of location (all within her career trajectory and possible, to save everyone reading all the extra unnecessary background). The rationale on my side is really simple; finances and building of a family are intertwined, it’s not graduate school level economics to understand that certain careers don’t make the money necessary to pay the overhead of long commutes to work somewhere for the sake of saying you work there; if the family and the future are the priority then that’s a tough but necessary decision to make. Further, there was a graduate degree recently being pursued and it was supposed to yield opportunities within the next year that increased income. She is already done with a semester so that’s on track - but wavering now, actually out right stating that she is not interested now, on the part of the plan which changes jobs to something more lucrative and / or relocates more locally for economic reasons and family development.

This is important. Its important because it forms a basis for whether or not we become engaged; it’s important because what was a joint idea (albeit not one she loved but at least agreed) is now a unilateral one; and if the relationship moves ahead on the basis of this new decision she made, I’ve essentially discarded a real need not just for me and her but for the kids and everyone’s overall best interests.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Thank you. The issue was not the picture. It was uncomfortable though. The issue is she re added her "abusive ex" after telling me 2 weeks prior that she felt uncomfortable that I was following my ex (that I followed before meeting her and with which I did not have such a toxic past with). So I unfollowed my ex out of respect and then I realize that 2 weeks after that convo, she and her ex re followed each other and she did not tell me anything. I don't know if they texted or not. I did not check the phone. She deleted and blocked him right away, said it was out of "curiosity", ackowledged her mistake and apologized. But for me the damaged was done, you know?

I can’t make out from this if she is being tit-for-tat, if she is cheating, I just don’t know. I will tell you this, women that truly care and want a future with you will do pretty much any reasonable thing they can to make the situation work. They’ll do unreasonable things to but eventually that’ll backfire, but it’s just the emotional component that I am illustrating, if they love you they’ll pretty much do what they have to and expect you to guide the decision process thoughtfully.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Very true. They may not even realize in the moment what they are doing, but it will catch up to them eventually.

For example, I am in a very sticky situation right now with a woman I have been seeing for about two years. The crux of it is whether or not a future beyond dating and mutual commitment is in the cards. The steady line from me has been, yes I’m open to it, including having a child but she would need to pursue a certain type of job in a certain type of location (all within her career trajectory and possible, to save everyone reading all the extra unnecessary background). The rationale on my side is really simple; finances and building of a family are intertwined, it’s not graduate school level economics to understand that certain careers don’t make the money necessary to pay the overhead of long commutes to work somewhere for the sake of saying you work there; if the family and the future are the priority then that’s a tough but necessary decision to make. Further, there was a graduate degree recently being pursued and it was supposed to yield opportunities within the next year that increased income. She is already done with a semester so that’s on track - but wavering now, actually out right stating that she is not interested now, on the part of the plan which changes jobs to something more lucrative and / or relocates more locally for economic reasons and family development.

This is important. Its important because it forms a basis for whether or not we become engaged; it’s important because what was a joint idea (albeit not one she loved but at least agreed) is now a unilateral one; and if the relationship moves ahead on the basis of this new decision she made, I’ve essentially discarded a real need not just for me and her but for the kids and everyone’s overall best interests.

You are still with that chick? Hopefully less drama than before...

 

[New_Journey]

Bro, thanks this girl she did all of that $hit and run as fast as you can.

 

[BaronOfHair]

"Over reacting" is similar to a problem with booze... If you suspect that you're doing so, then you probably are

 

[Divorced w 3]

You are still with that chick? Hopefully less drama than before...

The one in which you said very, very few women would love someone as much as she did me? Yes, still. Your words actually resonate periodically in my thinking.

We are good, I had to realize and understand a bit about myself as well, it was just a striking comment though that you shared given what I was saying at the time and not what I had expected to read in that moment.