Rubato's Journal

[Rubato]

@Vice

I agree with you about hitting on hired guns and really liked your suggestion of getting to make the move. I didn't go in to the interaction expecting anything to happen and may not have made that clear enough in my entry. When I went back to talk to the girl, it wasn't because I really wanted her... granted, I thought she was really attractive, but I hated that for whatever reason I didn't have the balls to ask her for her digits. I don't care who it is, a hired gun, someone a guy is paying to lead me along and tell me no, if I don't have the balls to do something as simple as asking a girl for her number, there's a problem. I did it for myself. If I feel like there's something I should be able to do but don't, not because of ability but because of FEAR, I do whatever I can to make myself do it. And I mean, this is obviously tempered by rational thought. I was very upset with myself for wimping out and felt like I needed to go back and do it, or I would be kicking myself for it until I forgot about it. If I can't ask an AE girl for her number, I'm going be in serious trouble when I go out sarging to work on my night game tomorrow! And on another note, this is the first girl EVER who has not given me her number.

And I really don't go to the mall that often, so it really wouldn't matter who I was sarging. I've only successfully picked up a hired gun once, a girl at build a bear. And she was an idiot. I don't like sarging at the mall for 2 reasons. I'm very bad at judging a girl's age, and after I got a 16 year old's number (I was 23), I realized working venues where the patrons will be old enough to keep me from being accused of pedophilia would be a better idea. And, at the mall around here, I rarely ever see girls who are NOT with their BF or some other guy. And I guess if I was an actualized DJ, that wouldn't matter as much to me. But I don't feel comfortable cold approaching a girl who is with a guy, especially when they're holding hands, ect.

 

[Rubato]

Field Report

I went to the mall tonight and spent a bunch of money on some more nice clothes. I am on my way to a kick@ss wardrobe I feel really good about

After the mall, I met up with my wing and we started our rounds. We approached a LOT of sets tonight, I really don't remember how many we did. At least 15, but probably 20+. I'll just go through the things that stuck out in my head.


The first set I remember was a 3-set at B house. I had the worst line ever, "do you think cartoon characters go to heaven?" The girl said she lost her imagination when she turned 12, and I think I believe her because she had NO personality. None of her friends did. Moving on.

My next set was at J's bar. I sat down next to the hotter girl (uncharacteristically of me) and my wing was next to me. And I just started talking to her about whatever was on TV. World's stupidest people or something like that. I started running Style's 4 questions routine on her and it was going very well until these 50+ year old golfers came in and tried to AMOG me and my wing (who was then going for her friend). I didn't get to finish the 4 questions routine because the HB asked me to intervene against this 50 year old guy hitting on her friend. And I did. Successfully and was actually doing a great job of gaming both girls and the guy. I suggested bouncing to a bar across the street to the HB I wanted, but they weren't done with their wine. Their buying temp was too low and I was having a hard time raising it with this jackass golfer.

The HB I was interested in went to the bathroom and when she came back, I told her I was bouncing and asked for her #. She said she didn't give out her number and said she'd do facebook. I said I don't have a facebook and told her to give me her # again. She said she wouldn't do it. So I asked her if she'd give me her email. And I got that. Oh well.

On my way out, I opened a set of girls from another college and started talking to this HB and thought I was doing pretty well, but her friend said they were leaving and she left me literally in the middle of my sentence. Not all of her friends left though. So I walked over to the hottest girl left (who was pretty hott) and this was my opener:

"So, are you girls as rude as your friends that just left?"

That took her by surprise and this is where I started making mistakes. I think I was in set pretty well after a few sentences, but I got upset that that girl disrespected me like she did and started taking it out on her friends (who were b1tches). And I ejected. My wing went over and talked to them and the girl said I was really cute but just way too serious. I don't remember what all I said, but I think I spent the short conversation we had lecturing her about how girls today don't know how to treat men properly. Yea, that's not going to get me anywhere

We left. Went to a L's night club. My night club game is awful. I don't get it at all, and I feel really stupid for even having to say that. But I just don't get it. We bounced very shortly there after.

Then we went to T's Bar and my wing was doing a lot better than me at this point. I wasn't feeling much of anything except frustration with how b1tchy girls are.... seriously, I like day game so much better, but it's because I'm better at it. My night game is awful. He successfully opened a set and just about got them to bounce with us to L's night club, and there was another set in there, and it was a quasi opener. I'm not sure if we opened them or if they opened us, but somehow we started talking and they said they'd meet us at L's.

They didn't.

Whatever though.

At L's night club, I danced with one girl and was actually getting somewhere with her and then this dude literally came up behind me and almost knocked me on the ground! Security had to take the guy out cause he was instigating something. We left. Tried to open a set outside, and subsequently watched a very hott HB puke her guts up on the sidewalk. She wasn't very hott after that.

Went back to J's bar and I opened a 2 set. This HB was a very unhappy person, claimed otherwise, but... she just wasn't happy. She hates the city, hates the college, and wants to go back to Italy. Despite this, I managed to get an okay vibe with her and she gave me her martini on her way out... a very good martini. She kino'd me and I didn't think to ask her for her #. D@mn. Oh well. She wasn't a very happy person.

The last thing I remember doing is going over to B's pub again and we ran back in to our favorite 50+ year old golfer AMOGs. They were really bad AMOGs too btw. We went through 3 different sets here. The first set was a 2 set one of our AMOG friends were trying to open. I AMOG'd him but couldn't get anywhere with the girl. It just wasn't working. The 2nd set was this girl's 21st B-day and they were a bunch of crazy idiots. The birthday girl took my tie off of me and told me I couldn't get it back unless I bought her a drink. I don't buy girl's drinks and told her so. I probably came off as too much of a hard @ss. Then she started literally undressing me and took my shirt totally off. I have never had this happen before, so I wasn't sure what to do, and in retrospect, I'm still not sure what I should have done. But they all wanted pictures with me and my wing was making it sound like I was a professional stripper. Neither of us really knew what to do. I ended up getting my shirt back and promptly ejecting.

The last set were 2 girls outside, 1 was horribly ugly, the other was okay. A 6 or a 7. Long story short, I number closed her.

Things to work on for tomorrow:

-Smile more. Genuinely have fun. Don't be so serious/negative, even if girls are being b1tches.

-I have to figure out nightclub game. I don't know how I'm going to, but I have to figure it out.

-Getting better at conversing with women.

-Just make all this more natural.

-Don't be afraid to plow. I'm learning. And they won't remember me.


And I finally convinced my wing that hired guns (bartenders) are bad ideas to hit on. They hit on everyone who comes in. He said they were giving him IOIs. I told him they were giving him IOT's... Indicators of Tip.

 

[Rubato]

Date Report

My online game is the best thing I've got going for me. I am awesome at internet dating. That sounds like such a BS thing to say, but it's true. I have a very high success rate when it comes to messaging women and almost always get a date with whoever I want. A lot of people have given me crap about how I'm too in my head, but I think it's been careful planning and thought that's led me to the success I've had. Day game comes close to my online game, but it's just not on the same level... and right now, really my night game sucks!

Anyways, there's not a lot to say about this one. The girl is a solid HB8.5, I found out she's the niece of one of my dad's very good friends and colleagues... A cardiologist. She's almost done with her physical therapy doctoral program, is smart, treated me as a woman should treat a man, and is very interested. I didn't have to reach for her hand after I grabbed it the first time. She was very receptive to touch and kino. Smiles a lot. Pupils dilated whenever she looked at me. Mentioned multiple times that she thought I was very attractive. I tried to leave 3 times before she finally let me.

My dad has heard his buddy talk about his niece before and he said she's totally solid. I got that vibe tonight. She has already tried to make more plans with me.

Basically, I'm in. I have made no formal plans with the HB. She invited me to cedar point with her friends this weekend, but I don't want to get in to all that BS, going out with a girl and her friends. She's never been to a haunted house before (seriously), and was really excited when I suggested that I might have time to take her, so I will not be joining her for cedar point.... but I will take her to a haunted house. That type of thing is kino heaven

Like I said, not much to tell. I am great with women when I can talk to them, as is possible during day game and online game. Night game needs work. I do not have the level of confidence necessary YET to play solid game when words are not possible. It will come in time.

I was supposed to go out again tonight, but my wing drank too much last night and was hungover today. I know that shouldn't have stopped me, but it was good I didn't because it gave me a chance to get in some more studying. Until then.

Keep reading. Keep studying.

But if that's all you're gonna do, f#cking quit.

If you're going to do anything, go OUT and APPROACH!

 

[macallik]

lol @ indicator of Tip. Hired guns are extremely overrated and are getting paid to talk to you and flirt with them so they make money.

Good stuff with the date, I think you found quality or someone that you mesh with. Hope the 2nd date goes well too

 

[Rubato]

Quasi Date and Field Report

10/9/11

Yesterday I went to go see this girl's tennis game, someone who is probably going to be my first in what will eventually become many MLTR's. First, this girl loves me to death but is awful at tennis. Her entire team was not good.

There was nothing super interesting that happened during the tennis match. After the tennis match, there was a party at one of the teammates homes. I was the only guy there. Good odds, I would say. And the HB I was with told me she wanted her team to like me and for me to make a good impression. That was permission to flirt, as far as I was concerned.

When I got to the house, everyone was sitting around a table on this patio and the ugliest girl there was a 7. Everyone else was an 8+. I ended up sitting next to the HB I came with and another HB that was a 9+. I found out she was a psychology student and went straight in to Style's 4 questions routine on her. I got a little pendant that's a pentagram with a bunch of astrology symbols around it that I've been wearing and told her she had to hold it in her hands for this to work. This was a compliance test and dramatically decreased physical proximity between us. It also allowed me to talk directly in to her ears and look straight in her eyes.

By the time I was done, I had the entire table's attention and they all wanted me to do some kind of "reading" on them next! I didn't. I had the new HB's attention, but the HB I came with was getting upset. I could clearly tell. So I calibrated it down some but kept spending most of my time talking with that HB 9+.

I was the first one to leave, to everyone's chagrin, and made it a point to say goodbye to everyone except that HB 9+. They were all asking when I was going to come back to their college so they could see me again and my HB was getting fried. On my way out, the HB 9+ ran up to me and asked me why she didn't get a goodbye hug. I played Mystery's thief game: I asked her if she was a thief and she said no, so I gave her the pentagram pendant I had had and told her to keep it with her and it would keep a portion of my magic with her. And to give it back the next time I'm in town. It was a cheappp necklace that I have more of at home in case I don't get it back.

My HB met me outside as I was leaving and was definitely upset. She couldn't point out anything I did wrong though and I put her in her place. I'm not being very detailed anymore, but I don't feel like it's extremely important, and I'm tired of typing. It all worked out.

 

[Rubato]

Field Report

10/13/11

During the past week, I spent most of my time, as usual, on school work. There are times when I look with envy on some of my other friends who either don't try or decided to do something easier with their life and it gets hard. Sometimes it's difficult to keep going even knowing that someday I'm going to be joining the ranks of people making over half a million dollars a year starting out. I just want to have this area of my life handled, like right now!!!

Tomorrow I have a date with a new HB for lunch and a date with the HB from last week afterward. The second girl is going with me to a haunted house, and I figure that should be a great way to get some serious kino going (which has already been going)

Tonight was my night to go out. And really, I don't think it was all that productive for me, mostly because I ran in to a bunch of people I already know. And I don't like having that happen. I only opened about 2 sets of girls I didn't actually previously know. Everyone else I spent the night talking/dancing with were girls I already knew.

F-it. I'm going to sleep. I'll write about how I'm not getting any of this stuff sometime later in the day.

 

[Rubato]

Field Report and 2 Date Reports

10/14/2011

The rest of Thursday's Field Report

Today was a really busy day, but before I talk about today, I need to elaborate on the field report I didn't write for yesterday.

We started out at B's pub and it was totally dead. There were no sets to open, just a bunch of dudes. There was one guy there with a girl and I was talking to my wing about AMOGing him and I noticed a set at the other end of the bar that most have come in while I wasn't paying attention. So I went to open them.

I was going to use the jealous girlfriend opener, but before I could the third girl jumped up and gave me a hug... one of my friends from ballroom dance. Now, yesterday... I looked good. I looked really good. I have been making a very conscious effort regarding my grooming, wardrobe, and overall style. I have very stylish new beard many women have been complementing me on, I bought an Italian silver Figaro chain, a very shiny stainless steel ring, and got a fake 8mm cz earring. I had on a very nice pressed black shirt, my hair was gelled very nicely, and I wore some cream colored slacks with a sharp white belt and nice brown boots. People told me I looked like a rock star. When I looked in the mirror I felt like a rock star. And that helped a lot.

Well, things didn't go so well with the HB I knew. She's extremely hott and the first thing she noticed was my earring and just HAD to touch it. It was magnetic and even though it was very cheap, it looked very slick on me. I told her hands off the merchandise and tried to back away, but she was faster than I was and knocked it off. First, she thought she actually ripped it out and I probably should have just gone with that, went to the bathroom and left and made her worry about what she did to me for the rest of the night, but I didn't think to do that. But even though that was embarrassing, I continued in the set. I went back to my wing. We talked a little bit more. I went back to the set and intro'd my wing to them and told them we were bouncing. I reminded the HB that she still owed me lunch (it's been an ongoing point of flirtation that I'm going to need to seriously make happen sometime soon).

We went to Club L after that, got our hands stamped, went inside and were the only people there. It wasn't even 10 though, so it worked out. After you get your hand stamped, you don't have to wait in line anymore and after 11ish, there's always a pretty substantial line. We decided going there first and getting our hand stamped would be a good game plan in the future so we can just walk in.

We went to B house after that and as we assessed the situation, there was only one set. And when I went to open, I realized it and an HB from one of my classes I've always wanted to hook up with. It was her girlfriend's 24th birthday and they were celebrating. I chatted the HB up while my wing chatted up the birthday girl. I moved the HB to another part of the bar and started teaching her some basic cha cha and rumba dance moves and we started dancing. They mentioned they were going to T's later and I didn't want to spend the whole evening hanging out with these 2 girls and their guy friend, so I got the HB's number and told her to text me when they bounced to T's. We left.

As we walked to 69's and any other time we were on the street and an approach was possible, we attempted. We got shut down a LOT that night though. for some reason b1tch shields were up very high! On the way to 69's we stopped by club L and it was dead, so we went next door to 69's. My wing spotted a dude wearing a shirt with Hitler's picture on it (believe it or not) and used that point of observation to open a set. We left and by this time the HB from B's house had texted me sand said she was en route to T's, so we headed that way. It had been about 45 min since she texted me. When we got there, I had a hard time spotting the girl but eventually found her. She asked me to dance and we did. I was NOT sexually aggressive enough with her while we were dancing. I did somehow manage to teach her single time east coast swing on the dance floor without talking to her, which... I mean, i think that's pretty good!

Her and her friend had to work the next morning and it was getting close to midnight, so right as I started teaching her a more sexual dance (batchata), her friend had them bounce. I have the HB's digits now though and will use them to plan a date we've been flirting about for a few weeks.

We left shortly thereafter and when I got to my car, I got a text from a girl I hadn't seen in about 6 months who asked me if I was just at T's. So I went back and found her, along with another HB I hadn't seen in even longer. I pawned a cig from one of the HB's and talked with the HB who texted me for a little while. I had wanted to get with this girl (a common theme tonight) but she had been in a very serious relationship the whole time I knew her. That night, she told me she was trying to get out of the relationship and kept asking me if I had a solid dance partner and when I could practice. We're going to start "practicing" ballroom dance now. Me and my wing bounced.

We went to Club L to finish off our night and to be honest, I dropped the ball here because I did not approach one woman. I was too intimidated and my wing was deflated because he had apparently not been having much success while I was meeting up with all of my old friends. But I gave him serious props for approaching. We left early that night.

Friday

I wore the same thing I wore to the club, minus the broken earring. Everyone was really digging my outfit. After my ballroom class, I had a lunch/coffee date with a new HB. My wing doesn't agree with me here, but I think she's a solid 8.5-9. We had coffee at a place I'm a regular at, the staff knows exactly what I'm doing, but they don't mention anything because I bring them a lot of business. It's a very eclectic and awesome place, they actually do all of their coffee roasting on site. It's one of the only places in America that does that.

It's also a whole in the wall shop in the middle the downtown area of a major city. So my game plan is to make an order, drink it, and leave. I immediately establish kino when I see the girl, give her a hug, lead her with my hand on her should to the register to order, lead her again to the table. Drink the sh1t. Tell her to come for a walk with me and see the downtown, because it's awesome. There are free art galleries, record shops (like, they sell vinyl LP records), and all sorts of things. Kino leading the girl out the door. Take her hand. I always walk on the side of the sidewalk nearest to the street. I make it a point to turn corners so that I have to move to her other side in order to still be in that position. I use kino to get there. If the girl isn't familiar with that gentleman tradition, it gives me an interesting story to tell her when I'm not remarking at the interesting architecture of the churches and playhouses in the city.

I told her I had to go home, gave her a big hug, and she told me she hopes we can do it again. She was a really sweet girl and I have to be careful with this one because I could see myself developing a serious oneities with her!

I was beat tired when I got home. I got 3 hours of sleep the night before. I don't know why I didn't just go to sleep, but I didn't. I ended up taking a 4.5 mile bike ride to pick up my prescription at the drug store. I wasted time until it was time for my second date.

This was my 2nd time out with the girl, the one from last week. We went to a haunted house and really, it was pretty lame. There was a group of dumb high school girls behind us who would scream at everything, so I would hide in corners and duck down and while they'd come by, I'd grab someone's leg and they got SOOOOO freaked out! They also never realized I was the one doing it... idiots

That ended pretty quickly and felt like it was a solid waste of money for 20 minutes or so of lameness. I was tired and ready to go home, but the girl wanted to do something else. We ended up going to see a movie because I just didn't feel like doing anything else. We saw The Big Year, which I actually thought was a great movie despite the poor reviews.

This girl is really in to me, and I don't know if it's because my game was so awesome last week or because I felt so apathetic today and just legitimately did not care at all because I was so tired, but I didn't even have to try. She kissed me and is insistent that we see each other again soon. So. That's good. Right? She's pretty.

Then there's the last HB I've been seeing. I broke a personal rule and lied to this girl in order to keep her on the string. I shouldn't have done that... and I'm going to have to fix it.

 

[Rubato]

The rest of October through Nov 17th

I'm not in a very positive state of mind right now. I've got terrible oneitis and am starting to fall in to a little stint of depression.

My last field report contained something that I never thought would actually develop. The girl from B house that we later met up with at Thursdays... I have fallen head over heals for this girl in a very positive and negative way.

But back to October.

I don't remember a lot of what else happened. I, unfortunately, went on a date with a single mother who while very attractive, was much more devoted to her child than to me. She flat out told me she forgot about getting back to me about plans. NEXT!

I went out with an HB I met online, she turned out to be much less attractive than the pictures she conveyed, and pretty strange. NEXT!

Nothing really memorable is coming to mind as I think about the rest of October. The girl from B house began captivating my mind and after I got my speeding ticket that's in the process of stealing my license from me (read about it (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=188910), I realized I needed to act. And act with every girl I was interested in, because if I lose my license, it will be a SEVERE dating hindrance.

I got together with this girl Nov 3rd, 13th, and 16th. She invited me out with her and her friends the 10th, but her friend's grandmother died suddenly and I backed out of "girl time" plans they transitioned to. I see her at least twice a week during class.

I just don't know what in the world to do.

There is another girl in my life I've written about before that I'm just not interested in at all, who likes me a lot. 2 of these actually. They're pretty, very kind to me, they go out of their way to make plans with me because I don't call them. There's another girl I met recently too, who's also very interested. 3 girls. And I'm sure I'm forgetting at least 1 other person. I number closed a girl from my ballroom dance class last week and forgot so much about her that I never even followed up with her at all.

I went out sarging tonight with my wing and was probably a huge pain in his a$$. I don't know that I opened 1 single set, I just didn't care. In set, I was more disgusted than usual by the caliber of girls that were out and blew out several sets because I had absolutely no patience for b1tches.

And this other girl, what can we call her.... The Siren... is all I can think about. One of the other 3 girls calls me up last night and asks me out, and I just don't care at all. I tell her I'll have to get back with her.

I don't want her. I want The Siren.

And she's been giving me lots of IOI's. My oneitis is so bad, I can make a list:

• 1. HB: "you're just so smart and wise, and I"m just.... so......" Me: "If I didn't think there was something special here, I'd be somewhere else
• (In the context of talking about how she's always been attracting to the wrong kind of man, jerks, basically) Me: "Masculinity and being a man isn't something conferred on to a person because they've reached a certain age. It's something they either become or they don't." HB: "Well, i can definitely tell you're a real man".
• Stays out until 2:30 AM with her girlfriend and gets up at 8:00 AM the next morning to get breakfast with me
• Tells me that if I lose my license, she'll pick me up and take me around to our dates
• Waits on me hand and foot when I'm at her house, gets me a foot rest for me feet, refills my drinks, gets me food, acts like a woman should (that may be less of an IOI and more of a who she is)
• (After telling me how I always look amazing and dress wonderfully every time she sees me) Me: "So you've got this image of me like I'm some guy that sits way up here (and I motion up to a higher plane with my hand) who sits down and looks at everyone else from above". HB: "Well, yea, you're basically perfect"
• She sets plans with me for the somewhat distant future, like she says she wants me to take her to a Christmas ball, wants me to do things with her that we don't have time to do immediately.

And I could keep going.

I don't know why I'm so fvcked up about this. I can't justify the way I feel at all. I just want to be in this girl's company. She inspires me and I feel like she enhances the life I've created for myself. I want to make her exclusively mine and mark her as my territory. I can name a million great things about her and point out her flaws, and despite the flaws, I think she's great. She's not the prettiest girl I've ever met either, but I don't care... I still think she's gorgeous. I'm going nuts! The Siren has poisoned my mind!

Why I feel so out of state is because I no matter what I try and focus on, I keep coming back to this girl. I feel like I've made not progress, and whenever I think about her, I spent my mental energies coming up with reasons why this will not work out and why I've fvcked it up, for being too needy, insecure, whatever (even though, I'm in pretty good form around her... she really does inspire great things in me). It's this behavior that drove me to join this website, and here I am again. Stuck in a feedback loop I can't seem to terminate.

I can't write anymore tonight because I've taken my Klonopin and am already feeling its effects. They will just make all this worse.

 

[Rubato]

Field Report

My state has not improved much since last night. It started going downhill Wed/Thurs, and I'm really not sure exactly what's wrong. I've got a lot of reasons to be upset - court, possible license suspension, fines/attorney fees I do not have, small claims case for more money I don't have, oneitis, D on A&P exam. But I mean... why get upset now? I'm generally pretty positive and upbeat, even given all the crap I've been wading through, I'm having girls offer to literally drive me around! Why not be positive?

Maybe my problem is because I'm hiding from the fact that I've secretly (and not so secretly to my wing) placed a girl who has done nothing to deserve it on a pedestal and am scared to death of losing her. And I have no idea how to take her down. Maybe it's because I'm scared of my upcoming trial and whether or not the attorney I've hired is really going to be able to help me. What's it going to mean if I have a criminal record, particularly if I want to get in to medical school? And all for what? For driving too quickly? This may evocative of a character flaw, but I don't feel like speeding is justification for a criminal sentence that could theoretically impose jail time. If I'm going to get something like that, I feel like I should have done something to warrant it, like drive drunk or at least have killed some dumb cat on the road while I was speeding.

I'm worried that out of all my efforts, I haven't progressed nearly as much as I'd hoped, particularly because I don't feel like that if all of a sudden I lost all my plates, I'd be able to just go out and make something new happen. I watch some guys interact with women with such brilliance and facility that it makes me envy them to the point of covet. It doesn't help that I feel like I'm a better person than most of them, but they obviously know things and have a skill set that I do not. I feel like my spirit is crying out in loneliness, and it p1sses me off that I haven't developed enough of an inner "man" to punch my spirit in the nuts for acting like such a wuss. But when it comes down to it, that's what I want. Spinning plates has worked very well for me as far as developing my confidence and making myself feel more like "the prize", but I'm not looking for a harem or sister wives thing. I want to find a woman I can share my life with and love in a deeply reciprocal way. I don't have to mention on this forum that women worth emotionally investing in to that extent are rare. People advocate that men shouldn't have a scarcity mindset, but when you take an objective look at what's out there in the world available to you, it's pretty hard not to. Sure, there are a lot of pretty girls (in this city - I don't like that song by the way) and if all I was looking for was a warm body to hold against me and stick my pen1s in, I supposed I wouldn't have a problem. But I want more than that.

But sometimes it doesn't help to analyze, and that's a lesson I hope I learn faster than I'm learning it.

So as I've been trying to drag myself out of this depraved state, I figured some sort of game related activity would help. I got in touch with 1 plate this morning and she was busy teaching dance all night for a dress rehearsal program her company is putting on. I started to chat up another "plate", but I'm just not feeling it with her. I don't know why but I'm not. So I let that go. I left a message for another girl, but she works such crazy hours (like 60+ a week), she won't get the message unless the only thing she wants is a quick lay. And. I won't mind that.

I went to the gym with my wing to lift and I broke my military press record - 135 lbs! I'm also curling more than I've ever curled before. I texted the HB I number closed last week from ballroom dance, the one I couldn't tell what her IL was.

Me: Hey HB, question. What are you doing tonight?
HB: Hey, I'm not sure yet. Why what's up?
Me: All right. Well it doesn't sound like you've got solid plans, so let's get some drinks. I mean you have to be feeling the stress from joseph's ballroom class (she's a bio major taking some pretty intense classes.... the ballroom dance class is undoubtedly the easiest class she has)
HB: Lol oh yeah that's the one class I'm worried about lol but I think I'm gonna stay in tonight. Thanks for the invite tho! maybe some other time.
(at this point, I was not going to say anything else, but my wing told me I should respond to that message. In hindsight, I'm not sure what was the right thing to do)
Me: All right all right HB. I know you think you're gonna fail his class so stay home and study hard... but this excuse will only get you off the hook once!
HB: lol

Oh well.

After our lift, we went to the mall. The HB I've been oneitising over always comments on how well that I dress and asked me if I even own a pair of sweatpants and a hoody. And I said, "Of course I do!" However. When I looked through my closet, I was pretty surprised to see that I do not actually own a pair of sweatpants. So I went out to the mall with my wing to get some sweatpants and to sarge. I opened 3 or 4 times.

On the way out of the gym, I went to this cafe place that was closing down because I forgot to bring a spoon to mix up our protein shakes. I pawned a plastic one from the girl behind the counter. There's this little overhang to the left of the cafe where you can watch people climb the rock wall, and I noticed her staring at the bouldering competition.

Me: Have you ever climbed the rock wall before?
HB: Yea, I did do that once. I could only climb up the really short side though because I'm afraid of heights!
Me: Well did you get to the top?
HB: Yea.
Me: Well that's all that matters! I don't like people who aren't willing to face their fears. I've gotta get going with my friend but before I go, there's something about you that's striking to me and I don't know what it is. I'd like to find out though. What's your name?
HB: (she told me)
Me: All right HB, what's your number?

Then she told me she couldn't give it out because she has a boyfriend.

My wing told me my body language and state was spot on. He said he didn't think I made any errors and that it was a very clean set.

At the mall, he wanted something to eat so while he was eating this Chinese stuff, I noticed a 3-set at the end of the table we were at. This was not a very good set. I opened one of the girls asking about the new Twilight movie and realized it was 2 girls with their moms. And it's not that it's a big deal they were with their mom, I have just never opened a set with a mom in it before and really wasn't sure what to do. I know I wasn't congruent with it and I think the mom factor is why. I ended up ejecting after about 3 or 4 minutes because the conversation was going nowhere and I felt like the set had already come down to plowing. My wing confirmed that my body language was stiff and I was not congruent in the set.

We found a store that sells a bunch of kids toys, board games, and crap like that. It would be a great store to take a girl to. As soon as we walked in, I noticed the hired gun working and even though I normally don't try and pickup hired guns, decided to at least try with this one. My wing and I found this quasi shuffle board/bowling game and while we were playing with it, the hired gun opened us (of course). It was a warmer opener than usual for a hired gun. Both of us have been reading The Book of Pook and have been stuck on his 13th principle - that charm is treating a woman like a little girl. So we walked in to the store and thought it was the perfect place to begin accessing our inner child. And we did a pretty good job of that. Then we played 20 questions with this 20 questions machine. And it was wrong. I was thinking of a rhino. And it guess elephant. It took till the 27th question until it got it right. We looked at some magic tricks. We found some cork guns and started playing some sort of game where we were shooting at each other and hiding behind the merchandise displays for cover. Then we started playing connect 4 and the hired gun opened us again, very warmly. My wing ended up beating me (it was the first time I'd ever played connect 4. On the way out,

Me: We've had a lot of fun playing with all your toys, but I've gotta get out of here with my friend. What was your name?
HB: (gives name)
Me: Okay HB.

And then I reiterated about the same thing I said to the girl at the gym cafe. And she's got a boyfriend too.

I feel like I opened somewhere else but I don't remember.

On the way home, I decided to start playing music again but as a solo piano/singer.

I also decided if the soft plans I have with the HB I have oneitis for don't work out on Sunday (she's in Chicago with her cousins this weekend and isn't sure when she's getting back on Sunday), I'm going to a coffee house near her place for their open mic night Tues and bringing her with me. I've open mic'd there several times with my piano before and feel like that would be pretty high DHV. I have been no contacting her since yesterday. I'm concerned I may have come across a bit strong yesterday... her friend died suddenly and she had to go to the wake. My wing and I agree I didn't do anything major, but I'm not going to communicate with her for a few days unless she says something to me.

Also on the way home, I called up another plate who had been texting me throughout all of this and am going to have lunch with her tomorrow. I'm really feeling the need to drop this plate and I can't figure out why. She's about an 8, but I just don't feel lit with her. At least I'm getting some Thai tomorrow and more experience with a pretty girl.

 

[macallik]

Liked the post man.

Just want to reiterate that the point of plates is not to date a lot of women, but to have a diverse range of women at your disposal so that you don't just settle for the first girl that shows interest. Having plates allows you not to take the let downs personally. (of course it sucks when all the plates flake at once, which they are apt to do @ times).

If you have a lot of plates but feel lonely, you just don't have plates that you consider quality or that are treating you like quality. The only way to counter this is to GFTOW and keep GFTOW until you click with someone. They say once you are in the game, the hardest part is really just finding the women you are looking for. Just remember: the more you meet, the more likely you will eventually find one that is the ying to your yang.

 

[Rubato]

I am pretty convinced that I've messed things up with that girl I was no contacting. She broke NC today but said she didn't have time to get together tonight.

I just have this feeling about the situation and I've only been wrong in a few cases out of many when I feel this way... like Pook said, trust the gut.

It just discourages me so much. I don't know why I have invested so much of my emotional energies in to this girl. She's done nothing to deserve it. She's not excessively beautiful, she doesn't have big expensive breasts, she's just some girl I'm in class with. And unfortunately, I've fallen head over heals for her.

I don't know why I let this happen or how to prevent it. I don't know how to take back emotional capital you invest in someone.

I went out last night and started to write a field report on it, but my computer crashed and I don't feel like retyping it. I'm getting better in field at night game.

But I don't care. I wanted to start composing music again. But I don't care.

I'm trying to be as honest as I can be here, because after all, this is my journal. If I can't be honest in my journal in a world of anonymity, where can I be honest? And so berate me if you wish for having been brought down to such a bad state, but it doesn't matter, because even though I know it's not where I should be, it's where I am.

I went to my church tonight. I haven't been there in a long time, but instead of listening to the message and participating in worship, I went in to the back, in the library. And I prayed and spent a while yelling at God.

To the DJ's who are not Christian, you may find me foolish for this, but if you were to ask me, I would say you are foolish for not having faith in God. Judge me for acting as an AFC, but do not judge me for my Christian beliefs.

I have strayed from my faith and I don't care. I am embittered and angry with and at God. He's instilled desires inside of me that long and crave for the romantic company of a woman. I have wanted to "fall in love" since I was in the first grade and I grew up having it be the most important thing in the world to me. I was awesome with the ladies in 1st grade and was spinning plates, believe it or not. I had my main girl Kathleen, and 3 other girls. When we moved to a new school district in 2nd grade, I was an outsider and never met that level of game success again until recently.

I don't feel like this is desperation inside of me that's pleading for the affections of a woman, I legitimately feel like it's instinctual need. And not just any will do. If all I wanted was someone to cuddle with and watch movies, make out, or have sex with, I wouldn't have left the trial of broken hearts I've been working on since the summer started. I can't find ANYONE that I'm legitimately attracted to, and when I do, I SCREW IT UP!

And it makes me so angry, so upset with myself. I can attract very high quality girls that I have absolutely NO interest in with ease, but then a piece of trash comes along, like crinkled tin foil, and something shiny about it catches my eyes and suddenly I'm at a total loss. I could have married at least 4 of the girls I've dated, 2 of them asked me for it directly, 1 hinted, and of the last, I'm sure if I would have asked her she would have said yes.

The point isn't that my life is devoid of women. I don't really know how many plates I have going right now, 3 or 4. But I don't care!

There's this one who is alluding me, that even as I'm typing all this out, I'm wishing would just text me back.

What have I become? What kind of shell of a man is this? And I wouldn't be so hard on myself if this were the only time I had done this. But it's not. It just hasn't been quite this severe in quite some time. I'm dangerously close to re-initiating things with one of my ex's right now (that I dumped) and I don't even know why!

I have an assortment of prescription drugs I've been tempted to drown my sorrows in right now but thought cookie dough ice cream would be better. And I can't start drinking.

I need a dad like Bruce Lee, someone who can beat me up when I get like this until I feel better. It was this feeling that initially brought me to this board and in to the PUA/whatever you want to call it community in general. And 2 years later, so much has changed and yet... there is still a lot that is the same. This. This hasn't changed. Now all I can do is pull girls I don't want. What good is that? I've gotten stronger and am in the best shape of my life. I've developed a legal addiction to Ritalin and Klonopin. I've also developed a nasty ego and negative attitude towards women. I've betrayed my faith. I've lost the path. I've sacrificed a good deal of my person-hood on the alter of the sacred vagina.

This is the culmination of all that negative energy that's been affecting me. I don't feel like writing anymore. I am going to take my medicine and go to bed.

 

[Rubato]

Rubato's Rant

Tonight was just such a bad night. It really hasn't been a good last few days at all.

Right now, I'm waiting for my Klonopin to kick in so I can go to sleep. I'm pretty upset right now, so I might have to chase it down with some whiskey.

I've thrown this semester down the toilet academically. And it's all my fault. Those stupid court cases and women. I'm going to end up with B's in every class except biochemistry.

That girl I had oneitis for is done.

One of my plates didn't just fall of tonight, she exploded. I've never actually been slapped before. And I don't think she slapped me, I think she sucker punched me. But I deserved it. I've had her on the string for next to a year now. I took the girl's virginity and fed her a bunch of crap the entire year, just so I could keep sleeping with her. She made me a scarf she's been working on since the summer.

I feel like such a bad guy.

I can feel the Klonopin kicking in and I'm caring less, but that's no good.

I think that girl realizes I'm seeing other girls. And it breaks my heart because she loves me so much. Like, I honestly think she's sincere about it. And I'm such a d1ck, because I won't commit to her because I don't think she takes good enough care of herself. She's a 7 as far as I'm concerned and the most unattractive girl I've ever slept with (I have high standards). If she lost about 20 pounds, she'd be great. The girl is also totally nuts. I can't even start to describe how crazy she is. She actually made a suicide attempt a few weeks ago when I threatened to break things off with her. I'm still not sure if she's actually okay or not physically, but there's nothing I can do about it. She poured her heart and soul in to me and did whatever I asked and more. With a smile. But I just couldn't love her.

Instead, I fall in love with such bad girls. This oneitis girl is gone. I called her this morning and haven't heard a word back from her. I know in the context I just put it in, it doesn't make a lot of sense to be upset about it, but I am and there is good justification. I just dont' feel like typing it out.

F-it. I'm so tired. I'm emotionally drained. I'm physically shot. And my diet was so good today until the sh1t hit the fan with that crazy HB that punched me in the face. I'm getting some booze and going to sleep. Merry Christmas.

 

[Chamber36]

Ask me some questions about club game. I have been clubbing for years and I have been working in a club now for over a year.

Run some experiments. Next time you go out, if you´re enjoying yourself, stand as tall as you possibly can, straight as an arrow, shoulders back. When you´re talking to a girl hold RIDICULOUSLY long and strong eye-contact.

If you do only these 3 things, you should be the male equivalent of a siren to all the 6's and 7's you can dream of. It's all you gotta do. You don't have to come up with funky stories, just stand tall and don't break eye-contact.

I did this at a friend's birthday party last year. I felt totally out of my comfort zone standing tall and broad and not letting go of eye-contact. If you do it to a couple 6's and 7's they'll be totally in love with you for the night, and give you preselection.

I am gonna try that next time I go out aswell.

Whenever stuff goes wrong: It's back to the drawing board! Look at your reference points where your game was tight and see if you did anything different on those particular occasions. What was different about your mind-set then from now?

 

[Rubato]

Ask me some questions about club game. I have been clubbing for years and I have been working in a club now for over a year.

Whenever stuff goes wrong: It's back to the drawing board! Look at your reference points where your game was tight and see if you did anything different on those particular occasions. What was different about your mind-set then from now?

I will... later. Right now I have to get some studying done that I've been putting off this weekend. Thank you for the offer and advice though... I do appreciate it.

And to your second point, I was writing a "back to the drawing board" post here earlier today, and accidentally closed the windows. I'll write it again though, because it was good and I need to reinforce that stuff. I was in a BAD frame last night. But I'm pulling through. There is no other way. If life and all of this was easy, everyone would be a DJ and we wouldn't be here. These bad experiences as of late will only serve to make me a better man as I continue to learn from them.

 

[Chamber36]

yeah we all have to keep the BIG picture in our minds.
Realistically speaking death is right around the corner.
This lack of pvssy is just a curse that we are all pvtting ourselves through. Once we grow some iron nutz we'll all be fine - better off than the rest. Because we can't focus on ***** alone. It's career, philosophy, life, everything that we are trying to deal with here.

 

[Rubato]

Picking up the Pieces

I've been going through a bad spot lately, as is obvious to anyone who's read my journal.

I think things with my oneitis girl brought back a lot of really bad memories for me, specifically the reasons why I came to this site to begin with. For some reason, she made me feel a feeling I've been craving and searching for throughout my entire life.

What's about to come is sincere honesty, so don't flame me for this. If I can't be honest in my own journal, where in the world can I be honest?

When I was a kid, my favorite movie was Beauty and the Beast. This was like a little kid, like 5 years old or so. For some reason, even in 1st grade, falling in love was the most important ideal I've ever had. And you know what, I was a player pimp in 1st grade. I was awesome with the ladies. I had one main girl, Kathleen, and 3 other girls on the side. I was spinning plates back in 1993, maybe even before people called it that. They all knew about each other. I don't even remember the other 3 girls names. And they were all okay with it.

We moved to a new town in 2nd grade and the social dynamics were totally different. I didn't realize this was going to be the case, but it was. I wasn't there when everyone formed their cliques in 1st grade and kindergaden and decided who was cool and who wasn't. I just assumed everything was going to be the way it was back in 1st grade. And so there was this really pretty girl named Ashley I noticed my first day in class and I decided she was going to be my girlfriend. But not so fast there slick.... she totally blew me out. I had never had ANYONE blow me out before. She even made fun of me and got her friends involved in making fun of me because I was audacious enough to like her. I didn't know how to deal with that. So I went home pretty deflated.

And you can summarize the rest of my elementary school career as things getting progressively worse and worse. By 3rd grade I wasn't Don Juan anymore, I was a needy little SOB. I liked this girl named Mindy the entire year, and just 2 years earlier I could talk to anyone I wanted to and automatically assumed they would like me. I think I talked to Mindy twice. She knew I liked her because I told everyone I liked her, except for her. I talked to her friend and found out she liked horses and being the dumb little kid that I was, I went home and got my on computer's encyclopedia and printed off all the articles on horses on the old dot matrix printer we had. To top all that off, I actually gave them to her and used a line from Jon Arbuckle (from Garfield)... of all people to model, why him??? I just handed them to her and she asked me what they were and said "it's just a little something I whipped up for you". Turned around. And left with my face red.

The only other time I talked to her was sometime later that year on the playground where I appologized to her because she said she was embarassed that I liked her.

I like a girl named Gina in 5th grade. I never actually spoke to her either in person, I don't think. I wrote her a few notes. She LJBF'd me on the first one. But I kept writing her notes, confessing my notes through plagerized poetry and other things like that. I called her up on the phone one day, I don't even know how I got the balls worked up to do that as insecure as I was, and when she picked up the first thing I said was "Don't hang up!". I don't remember what I said after that, but it wasn't much. When I came to school the next day, she had told all her friends about it and they made fun of me. Even my limited number of guy friends were making fun of me at this point.

Finally, I wrote her a note that said something like "I don't know how I'll go on if you don't love me" or something like that. She gave it to the teacher and told the teacher she thought I was suicidal. The school handled this really badly. REALLY badly. Mrs. Beal was the school counselor and came in during the middle of the class to get me for what she called "just a counseling session". I had to get up in the middle of class and walk out with a shrink after she announced to everyone else that I had an appt with her.

That was a disaster. If I hadn't wanted to kill myself before, I certainly did then. More getting made fun of.

6th grade was the transition from elementary school to middle school and I became horribly introverted. I nerded myself out and I didn't care. I picked up my first physics book that year, read it, and understood it. My friend Nick probably summarized my love life best that year when I told him I liked a girl named Aubrey and he said "Dude, she doesn't even know you exist!". I also remember that year being the first time I remember being regretful for not making a move. I sat next to some girl, I don't remember if it was Aubrey or another girl named Audrey... they were both very pretty. But she made some sort of attention seeking comment about how she was insecure about this new haircut and even though it would have been a REALLY AFC thing to say, I wanted to tell her I thought she looked pretty anyways. And I didn't say that, which set up a pattern for me to continue to not say things to girls.

7th grade I liked a girl named Brooke. I liked her so much it hurt sometimes. I don't believe I ever spoke to her, even on AIM (which was the thing to do back then. No one had cell phones so how else were they going to meaninglessly communicate with each other?). I talked to her friend Erin a lot though, and Brooke liked someone else and LJBF'd me too. But I didn't care. I was so scared of her that I almost ran away one time I saw her. I would avoid her in the halls. I even blocked her on AIM.

As I'm writing this, for the first time, even after 5 years of counseling to try and deal with this garbage, how absolutely F'd up my thoughts were for sooo long about male/female relationships and masculinity.

7th grade was also the same year I got my first quantum physics book. I didn't understand all of the calculus, but I got a calculus book and fudged my way through it. I also got a book on string theory, the multiverse theory, and nuclear physics. I said, I was a nerd.

8th grade was weird becuase I accidently got elected student council president. The way they selected the presidential candidates was the teachers administered a survey to the students asking who they would choose to be stuck with on a desert island if they needed someone to help them survive. The winners were the 3 hottest girls in the school and me. Everyone knew I was freakishly intelligent.

My history teacher was a great man and I think he saw that I was screwed up and wanted to help. He wrote me a speech he had me memorize, get up on stage with, and rip up in front of everyone and deliver from memory. It was very theatrical and effective. He also administed a propaganda campaign throughout the school that included photoshopped images of my face on professional wrestler's bodies and made a bunch of campaign buttons for me (and by a bunch, I mean 2 or 3 thousand). I won by a landslide.

That speech I gave was my first real social success after 1st grade. I am an excellent public speaker and was able to show as much to the rest of the school.

8th grade was also the year that Audrey wrote me a note telling me she liked me. I went home that weekend thinking that Heaven had just come down to Earth, only to find out on Monday that it was a joke.

I gave 2 or 3 speeches to the student body as its president and every speech was awesome. My teachers were flaberghasted at how naturally oration came to me and despite being totally socially inept, I got a lot of positive feedback from my peers.

8th grade was also the year I accidently burned down my house. If I wasn't getting made fun of then, I certainly was after that. It was an accident in the garage. And thankfully, no one died (not even our dog), no charges were pressed.... but everything was ruined.

That summer I was the first and only time I ever made an attempt on my life. I had given up my religion at this point because I felt like that if a God existed, he had to be a pretty crappy God to have given me such a crappy life. Note: I am a doctor's son. From all other perspectives except for social, my life has always been great. It's incredible how much social problems can really screw up your perception of your life.

9th-12th grade I just wanted to survive. I tried to spend as little time in school as possible and socialize as little as possible. I found my faith again (kind of) in church camp during the summer of my 9th grade year. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, I was mysteriously better with women (like 1 million fold better) than I had been previously. I could actually talk to girls, FLIRT with girls, I email closed girls (we were not yet to the era of cell phones), and even had my picture taken with my arm around a GIRL! Yikes! Something happened. I don't know what. But something happened. It was short lived.

I went back to school and nothing had changed. That summer I also auditioned and was accepted to a rather prestigious traveling religious choir in the area. It didn't matter that that was where I met my first girlfriend Laura. None of the guys at school believed me and serially accused me of being a homosexual since I had never kissed a girl.

And isn't that an interesting topic. Laura wanted to save her first kiss for her wedding day. And me, little Rubato the AFC agreed to a no kissing rule in order to help protect her chastity. Of course, I found out later she had already kissed a guy before me. And her next boyfriend, they even had (shhhhhh.....) SEX! But, nope, I didn't kiss her.

This is going to take me longer to write than I thought. I will continue later.

 

[Rubato]

So being the good little AFC that I was, I never even tried to kiss Laura. We broke up 3 times during the course of our relationship... the first time probably didn't count because it was only for 2 or 3 days. But goodness, the 2nd one just about killed me. That summer was the worst summer of my entire life. I wept like a little baby over that girl and thought my life was going to be over.

She was essentially my entire high school career. We broke up for the final time right before I went to college.

I started out college at my church's college my senior year of high school through post secondary. Laura went there too. I quickly met a girl named Angela through my band and she was the first girl I ever kissed. Somehow I convinced her that I had gotten head from a girl but never kissed one. There was an intuition that told me it would be better for her to think I'm more experienced than I was than to think I was less experienced. For some reason, things clicked naturally with her. She was the total oposite of who I am though... we didn't really agree on anything. I was a very conservative person in just about every facet, she was liberal. I let her change a lot of my viewpoints because I didn't want to lose her.

She was not only the first girl that I kissed, but also the first girl I ever fingered, ate out, got a handjob, and head from, and saw naked. No sex. So close. But no sex. I was less AFC with her than I was with Laura, but still pretty AFC. When the semester ended, it was time to go back home and she was from CT. I live in OH. I remember taking her to a park we used to go to with my guitar. I wrote a song for her, essentially begging her to come back to that college for another semester so we could be together. She was going to transfer to UConn in CT and I didn't want her to. And you know what's really funny?

She came back to my church college and I didn't.

I broke up with her about 2 weeks after giving her that song. It was on our last day together. Throughout this there was another girl who really liked me named Audra, and I don't know why I didn't make anything happen there. Angela was definitely prettier, but I could have had some stuff going on on the side too. Particularly after I dropped Angela, because Audra was from OH.

We're in 2006 now, and as I think about it, that summer marked the very first time I successfully "picked up" a girl. I was out with my band at CiCi's pizza and, wow, get this... the HIRED GUN (the cashier) was a cutie. I got her name so I could add her on myspace and went out on a few dates with her. She drove with me down to Columubus to watch my band play. But I dropped her after date 3 when I found out she had had a romantic relationship with her 3rd cousin. That freaked me out.

But not to fear. Shortly after that, I met a girl at one of our shows who will always hold a special place in my heart. Kathryn. I never kissed her. And I regret that. I dated her traditionally. We held hands. And I talked to her on the phone for longer than I've ever talked with anyone, over 8 hours! For some reason back then, I was a much better conversationalist. I always had something interesting I wanted to talk about with zeal and passion, some idea. Her friend got jealous of how close we were getting though. And she sabotaged our relationship. When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she said no. I stopped talking to her and was severely heart broken.

She told me a year or 2 ago that she actually did really like me but just wasn't "ready" for a relationship... ala.... I was an AFC.

But never fear. Literally 3 days later I met the girl who was going to be my first fiance. I had wanted to call Kathryn back up and try and make something work. But Danielle distracted me. For better and for worse. She was the next girl I saw naked for the first time. And I don't believe it's actually true, but she says I am the first guy she ever did anything sexual with. We never had sex. We were supposed to. But then I broke up with her. We dated for 2 and a half years and I found out she had been cheating on me. She was a beautiful girl, had an excellent body... maybe the best I've ever had... and she knew it. But when I found out she cheated on me, I lost it and broke up with her. And you know what really sucks about the whole thing? I felt bad about it! I felt guilty! I felt like I had done something wrong!!

That was in the summer of 2008. It took me until about 2009 before I could even think about a girl romantically without getting sick to my stomach.

That November, Laura's sister of all people introduced me to one of my biggest missed opportunities ever. A hott little mexican girl named Sarah. Our first date was so lame, I don't even know why she bothered for a second. But she did. She started sexting me! By this point, I was having a serious conflict with my religious views and expressing my sexuality. I wanted to have sex with this girl really badly. But I also didn't feel like I could given that I'm a Christian. That value conflict ended badly for me. You don't get a lot of opportunities where a legitimately attractive girl essentially tells you she wants to have sex with you. She was texting me asking me what color panties I'd prefer she'd buy at the mall. And in my naive and stupid AFC good Christianboyness, I asked her if she was looking for someone to fool around with or someone to have a relationship with. And she said both. But that set her radar off. Eventually she started qualifying me about my sexual history. I should have lied, but I told her I was a virgin. She flaked for our second date and ended up fvcking some fat loser.

At this point, I really think I hated women. Like I said, I couldn't even think about them without getting literally sick to my stomach.

2009 started out as a bad year. My galbladder stopped working and it took until July for them to get it out. I didn't really start feeling better till August. I lost 55 pounds during that time. In the midst of all of this, I got accepted to the Law School at the College of William and Mary, unfortunately, after realizing that I didn't want to be a lawyer. I had no idea what to do with my life. My counselor wasn't helping me at all. It was the biggest $80 per hour waste of my parents life. To put it in perspective though, I have come a long way since then. I remember that spring semester talking to the guy about not even knowing how to talk to people before my classes started. I'm not talking about girls here, I'm talking about people. I was so socially inept and insecure, I didn't even know how to start a conversation with a stranger. It made me feel insecure to talk to a guy. That's bad!

After my surgery, I decided I wanted to be a surgeon. It really wasn't that binary and simple of a decision, but it's not the point of this. When I started my classes, I had no idea how hard "hard science" classes were compared to the social science classes. My counselor had been pushing me to take some ADHD meds for a while and after starting general chemistry, biology and physics at the same time, I decided to go for it. He got me set up with a psych. and I started Adderall and Xanax. 3 months later I ended up in the CCU with what was thankfully just a hyptensive crisis brought on by the Adderall (not that that isn't a big deal, it's just better than sudden cardiac death). I legitimatley thought I was about to die though. As I laid on the hospital bed feeling like my best was about to explode and send my spirit away somewhere, I felt really really deppressed. I was about ready to cry. And not because I was about to die. But because I was so unhappy with how my life had gone so far. I had been in college for 4 years and could honestly say I didn't have one good friend at the school. There are over 30k students who go to my school and I hadn't met one guy I made friends with, let alone a girl. I had not achieved any of my highest goals (love). I either just wanted to die and leave this world or have another chance to get it right.

And fortunately, I got that chance.

 

[Rubato]

Continuing

I don't even remember how I got the girl's number, but there was a girl in my first semester of biology's lab that I started dating shortly after I got out of the hospital.

As soon as I got home, the first thing I did was get on the internet and search for this website I had found in college. I don't remember what it was called, but it was a PUA site about using hypnosis and crap like that to make girls fall in love with you. They even sold a product (I never bought it) that was supposed to hypnotize girls in your car and make them fall in love with you.

What I found instead was David Deangelo's website. Love him or hate him, the guy's material gave me 10000000x more help than 5 years did with 2 different counselors and 1 psychologist. I read his Double Your Dating ebook first, then watched his advanced series. I used that stuff to get with Sheena, the girl from biology.

I don't want to downplay any of the work I did, but it was definitely facilitated by the fact that for some reason, she had a serious crush on me. I don't know why, but she did. I ended up losing my virginity to her a few days before my 22nd birthday.

The rest, is rather uneventful and described in other places in my journal or is not important.


This has really been the crux of my problem right here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=189726

I'm still so fvcking deppressed. I'm going to go find my sleeping pills and wake up again tomorrow. I'm not sure how it will be any different. But you have to plow through. What else am I going to do? Sit at home and wallow in my own little pool of self pitty forever?

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

This is a very interesting thread.

So when did you lose your virginity. You talk about how you had plenty of woman but you never closed the deal. How were you in a relationship for 2 years without even sleeping with the girl. Very puzzling.

Keep your head up my friend. As a man gets older his stock increases. He obtains more knowledge which also gives him more game. You will only get better in time. Just because your not getting your desired results now doesn't mean you will never get it. Just focus on your goals. Make daily goals every day and make sure you stick to it. This a good starting point to get your confidence up.

 

[Rubato]

Moving upwards

So when did you lose your virginity. You talk about how you had plenty of woman but you never closed the deal. How were you in a relationship for 2 years without even sleeping with the girl. Very puzzling.

I lost my virginity in 2009 right before I turned 22.

How did I date not just 1, but 2 different girls for over 2 year each and never sleep with either of them. Very simply my friend. I was an AFC and my values were in a state of cognitive dissonance because I wanted to have sex, but I also felt like it would be wrong to do so. Those 2 factors combined (and really, I believe it was more of the values issue than being an AFC, honestly) held me back from a lot of "game" success.

The end of November and beginning of December

I've referenced the thread enough about that girl I've got oneitis for. I would say it's officially safe to downgrade my case of severe oneitis to a transitional PRN condition that's on its way out. I will probably not be contagious in a few more days.

I reached my breaking point sometime last weekend and maybe that's just what it takes sometimes for me to sit back and have an honest look at where I'm at an life and if what I'm doing is really working. If that's the case, I need to figure out a better strategy because I went through an unnecessarily harsh emotional meat grinder.

I began no contacting the HB on Tuesday. After stepping back and assessing the situation from a more objective perspective, I was not texting her/calling her every day, throwing huge bursts of attention at her, but I was still giving her too much attention, IMO. I wish I had lived in the 1940's or 50's sometimes, because I really like the way people like Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra, and Perry Como did their thing with women. Granted, I don't want to be an abusive alcoholic like Brando was in A Streetcar Named Desire, but those dudes knew how to romance a woman. This is where a lot of my AFCness came/comes from. I like romance.

A lot.

And I realize I need to learn how to moderate that. Romance isn't necessarily a bad thing, but anymore, you can't just say things to a girl like that you think her purple sweater is an excellent compliment to her eyes and casts her in an especially beautiful light nowadays without generally inciting some sort of attention seeking mentality. At least in my experience, that's what I've found. And I've gotten better about holding back the compliments, but I really appreciate a woman's beauty, particularly when she takes care of herself. I'm very good at giving sincere and non-generic observation based comments, but I need to be more judicious with their use.

I think I gave her too many. Again, too many for me is a much lower number than too many for a brand new AFC, but I expect a lot out of myself and want to become the best man I can be. And rewarding a woman for making herself especially beautiful through a sincere observation is fine, I think, but it can't be overdone or the compliments begin to lose their effectiveness and create a need for more with progressively diminishing returns. In my experience, sincere compliments work a lot like drugs. The first few will do wonders for you, but if you keep them up at a constant interval, it will just take more and more and more and more to keep getting even remotely similar results. And unfortunately by then, you've probably all ready killed the attraction with a fatal case of attraction overdose.

As I was beating myself up Tuesday night because despite being a very high quality guy, I was not able to make this girl go nuts after me like she has for these guys I call "bros" (read the threat mentioned in my last post if you don't get this)... I mean, I was about ready to seriously give up. And that's about when it hit me that it wouldn't have matter to me then if the HB called me up and confessed her undying love to me, I still would have felt awful. She was not the problem. I was.

I didn't text her at all Tuesday and was late to the class we have together on purpose so that I wouldn't have to talk to her before class like I usually do. I didn't acknowledge her when I came in, but was very friendly with the guy I sat next to. I believe this came off well played (it was scripted) because that guy and a few of my other friends never asked me if anything was up. I left class early because my grade is so awesome in the class I don't have to take the final, and that lecture only applied to the final. On my way out, she waved to me and I gave her a nod.

Now I remember why I was so frustrated Tuesday night... played at an open mic night at a coffee house and the HB had told me she'd let me know if she could come and never got back with me. She did text me that night and asked how it went. I ignored it.

She sent me 4 unsolicited texts the next day that I responded to very politely and shortly after 45-90 minutes of receiving the text. Responses like "good", "I had fun", and "yes".

By the 3rd text, the girl who said she could make time to see me amidst her busy schedule last weekend but never did, even though she could go out to dinner with her girlfriends and watch the OSU game with her aunt's family, and who was too busy to come listen to me play 3 songs less than 10 minutes away from her house... all of a sudden wanted to get together and study with me before our biochemistry exam on Thurs. I have a class before biochemistry and was NOT going to skip a class to make time to see this girl. And so I told her no.

She had already begun conveying that she was worried about having had me fall off the string on her finger. The next message was even more overt about it.

This all culminated in her 4th unsolicited message when she flat out asked me what was going on.

And I said "nothing".

Maybe it's a game fault of mine, but I don't want to lose my sense of compassion. She told me I wasn't acting like "typical Rubato" (and I thought, there's a typical Rubato?) and decided to give her a small break and told her something like "HB, stop worrying. i'm very busy, but i haven't been sent to the funny farm yet [an inside joke] we had our first snow morning today. everything is fine "

The next morning I got an email from my human physiology professor that class would end at 4:00, which would give me about 90 minutes to study with the HB before the exam. So I told her that and to meet me in the library at 4. I found a study room for us.

It turns out that even though she's a senior chem major, I am much better at biochem than she is. She's acing P-chem and that would be putting me 6 feet under... but after I started quizzing her over some topics, she started to freak out. She eventually got so bent out of shape that she just sat there at the table like she was going to cry with her head in her hands. I stood up, walked over to her and said very directly and softly in to her ear:

"HB, stop acting like a little girl. you know you are smart. this class just psyches you out. pull it together or you're going to feel what failure feels like rather than just the fear of failure". Then I moved her hands away from her face and kissed her lips.

We subsequently resumed studying and she was fine for the rest of the session.

After the exam, she texted me and asked me how I felt about it. It was really a disaster. Thankfully, all I needed was an 80% to solidify an A and I got better than that. But people were leaving the classroom looking like someone had just told them their mother had died. I called her instead of answering her text and she told me that she can't wait till finals are over so we will actually have time to hang out. I felt good about that in a way, but in another way, it frustrated me because I want to be important enough to a girl that she'll want to hang out with me badly enough to do it even if she doesn't have the time. That will come.

She asked if I'd help her study again since she has to take the biochem final and I told her that I didn't want to. My mind was fried and I needed some time to unplug and wanted to actually do something. So I told her that instead of studying tomorrow, I'd give her another dance lesson.

And then.... I realized I had to go to court an hour after I said I'd be at her place.

I had to cancel our plans. I was very frustrated about that, but I guess it's good that I got another opportunity to tell her no.

Court today went good and bad. It turns out the guy dropped the case against me like he said he was going to do... 2 days ago. If I would have called the court, I would have known this and could have kept my plans with the HB. This made me VERY frustrated, but I was also happy to have successfully avoided a small claims trial.

I am on the fence about what I did next. I want to see the girl and don't want it to be under the context of me teaching her a bunch of science stuff I've already learned. I will be Patrick Swazey and teach her to dance, but if my hands can't touch her, I'm not really interested in teaching her. So later today I sent her a text asking if she had any finals on Monday (just a generic question to open a conversation. And I rarely text her first). She said:

HB: No just lots of studying!
Me: studying is all next week is gonna be! But I'll make sure to rescue you from the funny farm as needed! and let's go to church together on Sunday morning. I'd like to see what your church is like and meet some more of your family.