Post the link to your online dating profile here and have it critiqued.

[RecoveringChocoholic]

I'm trying to put a profile together. Here is what I've come up with so far:

Hey there! I find pleasure in the small things in life. A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person.

One of my favorite hobbies is playing hockey after a long day of laborious tasks. I always play to win, but playing just playing the game is a great way to forget the events of the work day and have some great fun

I would like to meet a girl who loves a deep conversation, but who also appreciates a good movie from time to time

Talk to you later!

 

[whistler]

Originally posted by RecoveringChocoholic
I'm trying to put a profile together. Here is what I've come up with so far:

I like the first paragraph. I'm not sure the second will have much impact. No comment on the third.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by RecoveringChocoholic
Hey there!
--- No greetings in the profile.It shows you are too nice and too new. Thats not the best things to show to women.

I find pleasure in the small things in life. A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person.
--- Definitely a good idea. Can you come up with some unique topis you ever talked about? and some graphic descriptions? somebody describe bungee jumping? or snowmobiling? Swimming in the ocean with dolphines? Meeting with a wild alligator?

One of my favorite hobbies is playing hockey after a long day of laborious tasks. I always play to win, but playing just playing the game is a great way to forget the events of the work day and have some great fun.
--- Be careful here, you come as somebody who work too hard, i.e. maybe dont like his job enough... women may interpret it that way. I would suggest to add more info about your personality, like and dislikes. I would not say "laborious" about the job even if you have to work really hard.

I would like to meet a girl who loves a deep conversation, but who also appreciates a good movie from time to time
--- This doesnt sound good - who likes shallow conversation and hate movies? i.e. are you really selective? are you saying something meaningful here for her? Not really, all girls would qualify...Be a bit more selective (no need to be too selective though), or just dont talk about her at all - I would not for exmaple talk about her at all. Thats just me though.

Talk to you later!
--- No "Bye-Bye" in the profile, for the same reasons why there should not be any greetings.

 

[al77]

I cannot really say how it would be perceived by women of you age... but here is what I think anyway:

Originally posted by GodsGiftToWomen
About Me:
Livin' like there's no tomarrow!
--- What image it conveys? Partying-drinking? Some irresponsible actions probably? Some mature women would recoil...
Might work on young women though - I can't say if it does, I has not been able to talk to women younger 25.

I like traditional girls. Girls that cook, clean, rub my back while I'm watching TV, etc.
--- According to the latest news there is no traditional girls left. You should go look for them in some distant farmer areas if you are serious about that... really these days women want to go to college and eat at restaurants, definitely not to cook or clean.

But don't worry cause I pay for everything as long as you treat me like a King.
---- For everything? Like?... not really clear what you want to say....

Anyway, the general impression you just dont care what to say in the profile... I suspect it might work for somebody who also doesnt care about what to write or say.
If you want to convey that imagine - you are doing fine.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by whistler
I like the first paragraph. I'm not sure the second will have much impact. No comment on the third.

I don't like neither the first nor the last paragraph. They both sound very cliché.

 

[RecoveringChocoholic]

Here is a revised version:

I enjoy the simpler things this world has to offer. A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person. I am a great listener and love hearing new things from new people.

When I am not in the office, you can probably find me playing hockey (ice or roller). I have been playing for several years and it has developed into quite an addiction! I've come to enjoy physical activities because you can lose yourself in the moment and concentrate on pure fun, all while keeping the body in tune On the weekends I like kicking back and relaxing with my friends over a few tasty beverages.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by RecoveringChocoholic

I enjoy the simpler things this world has to offer.
--- I would skip this introductory line. Start with:

A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person.
I am a great listener and love hearing new things from new people.
--- The message that you have here is... I am a passive listener, I love "learning from a person" kinda things. It does not sound "I have a lot to offer", it sounds like she will have to a) teach you somehting b) talk to you about new things.
Ideally she would prefer YOU to teach her and talk to her about new exciting things.

When I am not in the office,
--- Why do you need to mentioned "the office" when talking about playing hockey? Let me guess - you spotted this cliche and wanted to use it, in order to sound like other guys.
It is not a good way. Get rid of cliches, come up with something unique.

you can probably find me playing hockey (ice or roller).
--- Why "probably"? That doesnt sound confident.

I have been playing for several years and it has developed into quite an addiction!
--- Do you think "addiction" would trigger something good in her mind? I would not think so. Consider a change.

I've come to enjoy physical activities because you can lose yourself
--- Lose yourself?? Again do you think "lose" would trigger some attraction in woman's mind? No way.

in the moment and concentrate on pure fun, all while keeping the body in tune
On the weekends I like kicking back and relaxing with my friends over a few tasty beverages.
--- Whos back you are kicking...it may sound as if you like to get drunk on weekend since you dont have anything else to do: who doesn't like to drink with his friends? Who do no like relaxing on weekends? You dont give her any specifics but rather "smudge" you message into a cliche "Hey I am a regular guy, hey, I have friends, I like to drink on weekends".. that s what she might be reading between lines. Does not it sound again like a cliche?

Develop your personality traits, hobbies, likes\dislike that are unique to you and frame them in a unique way. Do not sound "like other".

 

[RecoveringChocoholic]

Here is another revision:

A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person. I plan to take a vacation to Japan or Europe in the not too distant future. Its going to be great running around confusing the locals with my broken German/French/Japanese while trying to find a bathroom! I suppose I could go to another English speaking country, but that wouldn't be very fun. >

A couple of nights a week you can find me playing hockey (ice or roller). I have been playing for several years and I have met quite a few new friends along the way. In addition to hockey, I have recently started practicing martial arts. I've come to enjoy physical activities and team sports because you can have lots of fun with new people, all while keeping the body in tune

 

[al77]

Originally posted by RecoveringChocoholic

Better, you are getting the idea.

A stimulating and interesting conversation is probably one of the best things in the world. One can lose complete track of time learning something new and exciting from another person. I plan to take a vacation to Japan or Europe in the not too distant future.
--- Thats a too steep turn: from convos to "I plane"... it is not connected....try somehtign like this "
...a vacation to Japan and Germany where I can enjoy new levels of convos with local in my broken German/French/Japanese while trying to find the best restaurant in town".
Dont go for "unsure": Japan or Europe. Be specific i.e. confident about what you want. Dont say "bathroom", what imagine it might give her?

Its going to be great running around confusing the locals with my broken German/French/Japanese while trying to find a bathroom!

I suppose I could go to another English speaking country, but that wouldn't be very fun. >
--- Why are you contemplating here about somehting that might not be fun? Do you want to tell her "Hey, I think often about thing that are not fun?" Dont dont say that part.

A couple of nights a week you can find me playing hockey (ice or roller). I have been playing for several years and I have met quite a few new friends along the way. In addition to hockey,
--- Too much hockey really.
Get rid of that "in addtion to hockey" - it does have any meaning.
Say somehting like this" I met a few good friends while playing ice hockey...you dont even have to use an ice breaker..." and add some blah blah about roller hockey.

I have recently started practicing martial arts.
--- Add a twist to it: what kind of martial art? Karate is different fro aikido...why you choose it? what you want to achieved? How fun it was?

I've come to enjoy physical activities and team sports because you can have lots of fun with new people, all while keeping the body in tune
--- I would not add this: you give her an explanation... which is obvious to anybody. Therefor it is a cliche sort of. Come up with somehting that is not obvious... funny.. amusing. Or stress team work...feelings of victory...

 

[al77]

How about this?

What do you think about this online profile?
Please critique this profile. Any opinions?

----
I want an opposite. A yin to my yang, a Laurel to my Hardy, a Hall to my Oates. You provide balance in my life – a joie de vivre, a je ne sai quoi, perhaps even a croissant – that is currently lacking. I’ll provide the corny French jokes. You’re up on current events, but you don’t sleep, eat and breathe it. You come from a close family, have a tremendously high sense of self-worth and you handle yourself like a champ at parties. You bike through Rock Creek Park, you play in a co-ed softball league and you can wield a paintball gun like Rambo – but it’s all about fun first and exercise second. You are mature for your age and know what you want out of life, but you’re not above a splash fight when rowing on the Potomac River on a sunny Sunday afternoon. And you won’t get pissed at me when I show no mercy in soaking you to the bone because one kiss from me makes it all better.
---

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: How about this?

Originally posted by al77
What do you think about this online profile?
Please critique this profile. Any opinions?

----
I want an opposite. A yin to my yang, a Laurel to my Hardy, a Hall to my Oates. You provide balance in my life – a joie de vivre, a je ne sai quoi, perhaps even a croissant – that is currently lacking. I’ll provide the corny French jokes. You’re up on current events, but you don’t sleep, eat and breathe it. You come from a close family, have a tremendously high sense of self-worth and you handle yourself like a champ at parties. You bike through Rock Creek Park, you play in a co-ed softball league and you can wield a paintball gun like Rambo – but it’s all about fun first and exercise second. You are mature for your age and know what you want out of life, but you’re not above a splash fight when rowing on the Potomac River on a sunny Sunday afternoon. And you won’t get pissed at me when I show no mercy in soaking you to the bone because one kiss from me makes it all better.
---

1. You need a killer (eye catching) headline.
2. The beginning is a good start but it needs a little something, maybe a little more humor.
3. The middle is alright but definitely needs more humor.
4. I like the end.
   [/list=1]

 

[al77]

Re: Re: How about this?

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia

----
I want an opposite. A yin to my yang, a Laurel to my Hardy, a Hall to my Oates. You provide balance in my life – a joie de vivre, a je ne sai quoi, perhaps even a croissant – that is currently lacking. I’ll provide the corny French jokes. You’re up on current events, but you don’t sleep, eat and breathe it. You come from a close family, have a tremendously high sense of self-worth and you handle yourself like a champ at parties. You bike through Rock Creek Park, you play in a co-ed softball league and you can wield a paintball gun like Rambo – but it’s all about fun first and exercise second. You are mature for your age and know what you want out of life, but you’re not above a splash fight when rowing on the Potomac River on a sunny Sunday afternoon. And you won’t get pissed at me when I show no mercy in soaking you to the bone because one kiss from me makes it all better.
---

1. You need a killer (eye catching) headline.
2. The beginning is a good start but it needs a little something, maybe a little more humor.
3. The middle is alright but definitely needs more humor.
4. I like the end.
   [/list=1]

1. 
   
   Just curious.. doesn't it appear as too intellectual?
   I think women prefer c&f lines much much more..

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Re: Re: How about this?

Originally posted by al77
Just curious.. doesn't it appear as too intellectual?
I think women prefer c&f lines much much more..

To me it sounds worldly, it may appear too intellectual to someone who isn't well traveled or frankly, not intellectual or not very self confident. But that's just me, I like brainy chicks.

You are right though about the c/f. That's why I suggested a bit more humor. That will probably offset the too intellectual thing.

 

[bbestar]

mine

http://www.myspace.com/enrique1

 

[Gravyboat]

Here's what I currently have on my Myspace profile. I know it's TECHNICALLY not a dating site, but it sure as hell can be.

Anyway--here we go:

Simply put, I'm a young man with a diverse range of interests, a few select passions, and one incredibly comfortable pair of Simpsons' pajama bottoms. I'm a bit of a smartass, but I know when it's time to adjust the volume on the dial. (Note: Filling out on-line surveys is NOT one of those times.) I prefer to dole out my personal time to those who are trust-worthy, have a good head on their shoulders, a keen sense of intuition, and a penchant for enjoying life. I'm also drawn to people who have a bountiful sense of humor and a deep capacity for fun--within the boundaries of reason. (A few drinks and laughs = good. "Girls Gone Wild, Volume 16" = bad.) And although I rarely show all my cards, I'm not one to fold after the blind-bet. Now and then, it's okay to risk a lousy flop--because you Just. Never. Know.

 

[Sato21m]

ok im gonna put my profile created 2 weeks ago in my space dont copy cat
http://www.myspace.com/dayr0n

what u guys think

 

[Sato21m]

bump any ideas,....

 

[splinterkb]

I got one.... How about picking up girls the normal way so you can actually feel chemistry to make a wise choice

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by Dayr0n
bump any ideas,....

Decent pic but your headline will loose people. You need something that pops, catches their attention (and their understanding) and makes them want to read your profile. The profile itself sounds a lot like everyone else's, the one point is that you sound bitter, not confident. Not wanting an attention wh0re is fine, how you present it could use some tweaking. Use confidence and humor to describe what you want, not what you don't want.

 

[AgonyUncle]

My match must be:

A nymphomaniac supermodel who can cook like Jamie Oliver, with his and hers season tickets to Anfield and parents that own a brewery. But I am willing to compromise

No one can say who their ideal match is until they have met the person and discovered if there is indeed any chemistry. Dont really have a type, but attractive, self reliant intelligent women who laugh at my corny jokes are always fun to meet.

The his and hers season tickets would seal the deal though.

Never done an online personal in my life, and I do tend offend some birds when I cold aproach. Thought this online dating thing might be worth a bash to add to the pub crawl. Describing myself is not the probelm, its putting together something about my match thats the prob.

Let me know what you chaps think.