Online Dating Field Report

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
1. But none the less, it sounds as if someone chooses IMs, he will not need to put forth nearly the effort he would as if he used email.

2. Would that mean that he wouldn't need the style or wit necessary for emails? That he wouldn't need to put forth nearly as much thought to hold her attention? That he could kinda 'half-@ss' it as he does in real life because it's very similar to the way he naturally speaks?

3. So why avoid having a good conversation with a woman no matter the medium? We all read through the diatribes posted in this forum and have probably everyone has written one or two themselves. So why not with women? It's all about effective, interesting communication no matter the medium.

4. Ever why so many guys get excited one moment when they actually approach a woman and get her number just to have fear and dread the very next because he has no idea what to say when he calls her?

Also, what happens if he does get the balls to call and just asks for a date and she accepts??!!! What the hell is he going to do? ACTION DATE!!!! Another way to avoid the dreaded one on one conversation where he has to use his innate qualities to amuse her.

At this rate, when will a guy ever get to find out if this woman is even his type? Usually after he's put forth the time, effort and money. After she's gotten bored of the same old type of guy that does the same as all of the rest.

1. Absolutely.

2. Well.. can he get away with it? If he can, that it means his IM style was enough to raise her IL enough.
Since IM style is similar, close to his conversation style then it is enough for him.

3. Because it is not as effective as IM. I can have some wonderful exhnage of emails...and figure out later at a meeting that she doesn't like to talk at all. I can have some great discussion in emails and discover she is quite a different person in real life.

4. I agree on that: action date is avoiding. But we were speaking about IM vs emailing... IM is close to the most natural style: the conversational one.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by al77
3. Because it is not as effective as IM. I can have some wonderful exhnage of emails...and figure out later at a meeting that she doesn't like to talk at all. I can have some great discussion in emails and discover she is quite a different person in real life.

That would suck so I guess IMs would make it easier to determine if the chick has a personality and can hold up her end of a conversation, but then again it takes two to completely hold it up.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
I guess IMs would make it easier to determine if the chick has a personality and can hold up her end of a conversation, but then again it takes two to completely hold it up.

Exactly!!!
If I get a rapport in emails, it is not clear at all if she has decent IL and not clear how she actually talks...ie. I didn't reach anything except the raport that I cannot use since it is "email only" thing.

If I have an IM session with her - it is very clear if she is interested and quite clear how she talks.
Much better than emaling.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by al77
Exactly!!!
If I get a rapport in emails, it is not clear at all if she has decent IL and not clear how she actually talks...ie. I didn't reach anything except the raport that I cannot use since it is "email only" thing.

If I have an IM session with her - it is very clear if she is interested and quite clear how she talks.
Much better than emaling.

So why not talk to her on the phone? I'm such a pr1ck that I'd next a woman even if I didn't like her voice, HB or not.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
So why not talk to her on the phone? I'm such a pr1ck that I'd next a woman even if I didn't like her voice, HB or not.

The phone makes it harder to talk. Why?
1. Remember that about high percentage (70%?) if info exchange is non verbal? That means when you talk on the phone with somebody you dont know, your voice, your intonation carry that info (up to 70%). That just puts a lot of pressure: most of us cannot control the voice easily, but we feel we have to sound "good: smart and masculine". But this is just a voice... how are you going to project that in a voice? There is no clear answer and that creates stress.
In IM convo it is all in words... and at elast we can control them better.

2. This is even more important: while chatting on IM you can take a pause and think what to say. You can come up with something that sounds smarter than what you would usually say.

3. While talking on IM she provides you at least some feedback: she says somehting, even smile or simple "ok" are feedback.
On the phone she may not even say that, she may simply polish her nails quietly...No feedback creates pressure "Am I saying everything all right? What the heck she is thinking?".
While on IM it doesn't really matter, since you see her reaction immediately.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by al77
The phone makes it harder to talk. Why?
1. Remember that about high percentage (70%?) if info exchange is non verbal? That means when you talk on the phone with somebody you dont know, your voice, your intonation carry that info (up to 70%). That just puts a lot of pressure: most of us cannot control the voice easily, but we feel we have to sound "good: smart and masculine". But this is just a voice... how are you going to project that in a voice? There is no clear answer and that creates stress.
In IM convo it is all in words... and at elast we can control them better.

2. This is even more important: while chatting on IM you can take a pause and think what to say. You can come up with something that sounds smarter than what you would usually say.

3. While talking on IM she provides you at least some feedback: she says somehting, even smile or simple "ok" are feedback.
On the phone she may not even say that, she may simply polish her nails quietly...No feedback creates pressure "Am I saying everything all right? What the heck she is thinking?".
While on IM it doesn't really matter, since you see her reaction immediately.

Makes sense if you are just going to chat online. But how do you compensate if/when you meet face to face (that is the goal, right)?

 

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
Makes sense if you are just going to chat online. But how do you compensate if/when you meet face to face (that is the goal, right)?

What do you mean? We were talking about advantage of IM over email. To me IM is clearly advatageous and I was trying to explain why...
I am not sure what you mean by "compensate" and how it fits this context...? Yes, IM is IM and face to face is face to face.
I am just saying IM is close to face to face than email, and thats why it is better.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by al77
What do you mean? We were talking about advantage of IM over email. To me IM is clearly advatageous and I was trying to explain why...
I am not sure what you mean by "compensate" and how it fits this context...? Yes, IM is IM and face to face is face to face.
I am just saying IM is close to face to face than email, and thats why it is better.

What I'm saying is that it sounds as if using IM is an effective way to compensate for lacking skills that are conducive to emails. Unfortunately, those skills are not only necessary for email but also face to face conversations. So that's why I ask, what does a guy do who has been using IM to compensate for that shortcoming.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
What I'm saying is that it sounds as if using IM is an effective way to compensate for lacking skills that are conducive to emails. Unfortunately, those skills are not only necessary for email but also face to face conversations. So that's why I ask, what does a guy do who has been using IM to compensate for that shortcoming.

Oh I see. This is very subtle. If he is doing ok with IM chances are high that he is doing ok face to face.
But if he is doing good in emails, I would say very little can be predicted about his face to face skills.

Emails, letters are just a separate medium with its own rules and necessary skills.
Moreover I believe we have a conspiracy organized by onlind dating sites: they want us to pay them indefinitely, i.e. they are interested in the situation when we dont find anyone good, but just have a tease of communication in terms of emails.

It is so easy to improve current dating technology, really: dating site should get rid of emails completely! They should organize IM dates - then people would instatntly see if they fit, like each other and if they do, they will be able to talk overthe phone instantly while talking online!
No, the sites do not want this. They want us to pay and not find decent mathes. It is all about business conspiracy.