ONEITIS - Lets Be Honest

[comic_relief]

the two biggest contributers to oneitis is insecurity and low self-esteem.

When I upped my self-esteem I never had oneitis ever again other than to my girlfriend (even that is low because I know that I have other options). I don't ever have it because I know I can go out bar hopping and get a couple girls numbers. Usually they come onto me.

When I did have insecurity and low self-esteem (your post painted my mental mindstate of three odd years ago). My oneitis was my one and only or my soul mate or whatever. She had a nice rack. Now I look back at her and I see a pretty girl that never grew up and has a decent average. I am happy that I got away from her. Her friends are just beyotches too.

comic_relief

 

[muttley]

Lets get rid of your oneitis boys :trouble:

 

[Duke]

The oneitus I experience occasionally falls under the "missed opportunity" category. She had feelings for me for a while, saw her for 2 years, then got dumped with no explanation.

What I find is that I think of her the most when

A) I'm bored as hell

B) I feel sad/depressed about something

What this tells me is that ultimately, I miss the escapism she offered. If I was bored or sad, I would be able to talk to her and get myself out of those states.

Now, I'm left with only myself to turn to. It sucks, but it's for the best.


I have experienced 2 types of oneitus in my life.

The first is for a girl I barely knew. This was a long time ago, before I found sosuave.

The second is for a girl I knew well and who reciprocated my affections. This has been WAY harder for me to deal with, because you know that getting her to like you is POSSIBLE, because you've done it before. You can't simply conclude that she could never like you, for whatever reason.

In my case, I valued the girl's company more than just the physical intimacy. So I tried to be friends with her... for MONTHS. And she refused.

I found that what was most theraputic for me was to completely go all out and tell her what I thought of her. Just 100% honesty and straight-shooting. I told her how much I was mistaken about her and what kind of person she is. That she has personality flaws that prevent healthy relationships and that her lack of ethics is going to screw her over until she changes. Basically, everything I'd held back by biting my tongue. By telling her everything I DIDN'T like about her, it gave my mind closure and left me with no excuses to cling on to.

So now, everytime I get the urge to check up on her, I remember all of the reasons she's fvcked up-- the ones I told her in my final conversation with her.

 

[chlywly]

Very flawed post.

This post only applies to you if you want to be a "player for life". Following this posts advice you will never have a real relationship or eventually marriage or anything else.

Some people here take this DJ stuff to a very scary extreme. Its like to them being a DJ means being a heartless jerk who doesn't care about women and only wants to use them for sex.

I'm sorry but it really seems this post COMPLETLY flew ove your head, if you have oneitis in a relationship/marriage YOU cease to become the most important thing in your life, you will lose her interest or become a doormat/slave like so many desperate men are in their horrible marriages to nagging women...

My relationships have often fallen apart as soon as I caught the ONEITIS... Doesn't mean you have to be dating other women all the time, but definitely getting out there, flirting/making friends at LEAST! and certainly concentrating more on YOU than her!

and I've been with some beautiful , intelligent girls.

 

[chlywly]

No. You're wrong. The men who are successful in marriage and relationships are still players...they just have one favorite toy they play with exclusively.

I can trace back the ends of most of my relationships and encounters with women to the point where I started thinking that I had to "think different" and "act different" if I "ever wanted to be in a meaningful relationship."

It was then I became boring, predictable, unsure of myself, overcompromising, and started to worry more about HER being happy and doing what SHE wanted instead of showing her the wonder and happiness in MY world.

And naturally, they lost interest. Every single f'king time.

Anyone who says the rules change once you get into a relationship...doesn't know crap about relationships. They don't "change". They're just oriented and interpreted a little differently.

You dont' want to believe it...I really don't either. It flies in the face of everything I've been taught. But it's true. Stop trying to justify your weak woman skills by pretending that weak and effeminate behavior is "appropriate for serious relationships."

100% agree, from experience, thank you!

 

[XSilverStarboyX]

oneitis when youve LJBF'ED

I experienced this from August-December of last year. It was a *****

 

[insanity]

i hate thinking in reverse but long before i found this site, i had it bad once. i lost like 25 pounds in like a month. everytime i ate i puked. i called it the ex girlfriend diet. i never went through anything like that again, but when i banged into her years later i thought to myself......what did i see in you?

 

[squirrels]

Well now, THIS strikes pretty damn true.

I've been hung up on this girl for the last year and a half. It's essentially a one-itis with a missed opportunity. And it's very true...the anxiety paralyzes you. LITERALLY.

I was a mess all weekend. I had trouble eating, trouble sleeping...I told her I wanted to see her again, I even let out a lot of anger and hurt at her for leaving me hanging like she did. And I asked her...just short of begging her...to call me again and talk to me.

Now, looking back, I almost want to THANK her for not calling. I finally got to take a good look at myself and see how I'd gone from confident to weak and decrepit over the last year and a half. I honestly DID believe that she was the one who was "meant for me". Somewhere along the line, I stopped being me and started being "us", but I did it without her.

The hurt's still there. It doesn't go away, and you can't force it away, it only makes it more powerful. But you can accept the pain and go on to live your life anyway. Eventually your anxiety over this ONE girl will become background noise to the fullness of your life. But it takes a couple of key elements...faith in yourself, faith in the universe, and acceptance of the fact that pain is part of a life well-lived and that you can never truly eliminate it...just learn to live with it.

Your feelings are kind of like a pack of wolves. If you let the anxiety and the pain run the herd, it will be confused, incapable of action, and will drag the entire pack down. Your confidence, inner strength, intelligence, and sense of humor are the "alpha male" of your feelings. THe feelings like pain, worry, and doubt...they're there too, but when you get the pack in order, they know they can't challenge you for dominance. Eventually, they leave the pack on their own when they realize you're no longer supporting them either with positive or negative reinforcement. Or maybe they stay...but they just don't matter.

NO woman should be your passion, hope, or reason for living. As a male, your responsibility is first and foremost to your own soul. YOu need to be able to stand on your own two feet, by yourself, and believe in and be who YOU are.

 

[squirrels]

No. You're wrong. The men who are successful in marriage and relationships are still players...they just have one favorite toy they play with exclusively.

I can trace back the ends of most of my relationships and encounters with women to the point where I started thinking that I had to "think different" and "act different" if I "ever wanted to be in a meaningful relationship."

It was then I became boring, predictable, unsure of myself, overcompromising, and started to worry more about HER being happy and doing what SHE wanted instead of showing her the wonder and happiness in MY world.

And naturally, they lost interest. Every single f'king time.

Anyone who says the rules change once you get into a relationship...doesn't know crap about relationships. They don't "change". They're just oriented and interpreted a little differently.

You dont' want to believe it...I really don't either. It flies in the face of everything I've been taught. But it's true. Stop trying to justify your weak woman skills by pretending that weak and effeminate behavior is "appropriate for serious relationships."

:crackup: :crackup: :crackup:

You know, one of the MOST entertaining AND enlightening things about this forum is when I come back here and find the perfect piece of advice, and then realize that *I'M* the one who gave it.

And in this case, I think it's about the same girl! :crackup:

 

[Holland]

It was then I became boring, predictable, unsure of myself, overcompromising, and started to worry more about HER being happy and doing what SHE wanted instead of showing her the wonder and happiness in MY world.

And naturally, they lost interest. Every single f'king time.

I'm feelin ya man,
I agree 100%.

Yes, oneitis sucks.
You need to get out of it as fast as possible. It chokes the life out of you, makes you feel like a pathetic little boy. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: IT WASTES YOUR TIME!


All I can say about oneitis is this quote:

"Pimpin be easy, quit catchin feelings
Cause you worth a couple hundred grands and I'm worth millions"

 

[LegendBoy]

Bump this up top post i reckon. Helps out a lot.

 

[lordson]

going through this now.

i feel so fvcking embarrassed in retrospect of NOT MAKING A MOVE.

listen up players, if a girl tells you about her dreams of you kissing her, then by the end of the night you better fvcking kiss her.

thats very true

never miss an opportunity and if a girl does indeed TELL you about a dream she had of kissing you

fvcking kiss her, she is almost definately intersested,

worked for me!

 

[d2j]

ive been through a LTR and got dumped by a girl who i was really really involved with. i can tell you looking back that everything is accurate in this post.

The thing thats ironic about the situation is when your going through it (the pain) the last thing you listen to is the advice off people that is so obviously true
ie. dont worry about her move on with your life, plenty more fish in the sea

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Have any of you guys been able to get with the girl again once you got over your oneitis for her?

 

[Bvbidd]

How do you get over one-it-is without becoming shallow and heartless? I assosiate one-it-is with pain and therefore try to avoid it but then make all other girls I then try with feel unliked and slvtty because they obviously can tell I don't like them. Like you can't win either way. I listen to this advice and it always screws me over.

I like the girl and I'm told to forget about her. I try to "spin plates" and called shallow? Huh?

Should I literally one-it-is every girl and then feel the pain with each rejection until there is no rejection?
Cuz the rejections keep coming regardless of how much I like or do not like a chick.
There is always some reason.

Do I find a balance?

 

[Freddy1]

I'm going through a ONEitis right now.
I can trully sympathize with my brothers here going through the same thing.

 

[typical]

How do you get over one-it-is without becoming shallow and heartless? I assosiate one-it-is with pain and therefore try to avoid it but then make all other girls I then try with feel unliked and slvtty because they obviously can tell I don't like them. Like you can't win either way. I listen to this advice and it always screws me over.

I like the girl and I'm told to forget about her. I try to "spin plates" and called shallow? Huh?

Should I literally one-it-is every girl and then feel the pain with each rejection until there is no rejection?
Cuz the rejections keep coming regardless of how much I like or do not like a chick.
There is always some reason.

Do I find a balance?

Theres a difference between caring for a girl and having oneitis for a girl, you date girls that you like they date you cause duh they like you, you develop oneitis when you fall in love with the girl but the girl doesnt really love you back, you want her more she wants you less, oneitis is basically desperation that you must have her and her only, there is a balance is comes with time.

 

[Bvbidd]

How the hell do you get the balance without making her think your a stalker or the complete heartless opposite?
Either is not attractive because I made a mistake totally seperate then how I feel.

So I'm wondering if one-it-is really matters either way as long as you have game or whatever.

 

[Freddy1]

I tend to find the pick up scene to be really monotonous.

It Seems alot of the pick up gurus become quite sociopathic. Its just a numbers game to them. Theres absolutely no feelings. Its like theres no soul at home.

I dont know if I want to go down that road. I'm still debating it myself.

 

[Freddy1]

Its sometimes good to actually feel the love of a women and to be loved. And not just a sex thing.

Its nice when someone knows You emotionally and is supportive of you..