I've always admired people that are in touch with themselves and have the esteem to back it up. Their presence radiates and you can just feel their authenticity. It's beautiful and I strive for it. Without worrying about winning they can be fully immersed in a now pleasant moment, where simple things matter. Don't hate yourself for not being what you desire. Time takes its time, but make use of it! These behaviors are simply survival mechanisms. The ability to self-administer punishment is a powerful adaption. Part of being human is recognizing our primal ways - to detach ourselves from them, but simultaneously accepting them.
When this happens, you start taking yourself and life less seriously. In this context my meaning is that wrongdoings, defamation, jokes at your expense, all are rendered meaningless. The consistency and congruency of your character holds less importance when you connect with your deep roots and the ego slips away. The whole ego construction is quite funny and interesting.
The dualistic nature of reality is a very interesting concept/theory. Strong recommendation:
http://terebess.hu/english/AlanWatts-On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are.pdf - It just gets better the more you read.
Avoiding the trap of believing you know anything is important. Never succumb to the belief that you know what there is to know, or that you've got it all figured out.
To me, that feeling of being authentic can be predicted and possibly reproduced much like the flow state. More specifically: it's different than flow state in the way that this feeling is often induced by meditation, yoga, an inner journey, finding trust in another, or tuning into authentic people. I think I made a journal entry, but I remember finishing "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior" in Freshman year of college. I felt to pure. So alive and so at peace. I went to eat and sat down with these three girls. There were no feelings of inadequacy, no nervousness, just laughter, authenticity, and presence. The feeling lasted close to a week. Being in the presence of, or listening to, or reading the writing of a person in this state, transfers that state onto you. The wonders of technology.
You know, it is now 2:57 AM. I wrote most of this entry in class at noon. I still haven't done my research proposal. This time was different, but this is an issue. I'll have to complete it on Sunday night. Hopefully I don't have a hangover.
I feel like writing till I fall asleep though. I just had some melatonin to combat the stimulants, add some grass and you've got a sleep ****tail. The combination of Adderal, Phenibut, and weed is one of my favorite. Not that it happens even semi-regularly, but let me tell you: the addy makes me focused and productive. It's euphoric and everything is awesome. I've noticed that especially when I'm not sober, I have a hard time not being distracted by thoughts or.. distractions. This brings my focus closer to the resemblance of a... I got distracted and forgot, mid-sentence.. lol. Focal point! That's it.
Phenibut is a GABAb (or a, dont remember) inhibitor, so it works similarly to alcohol. No feeling of being drunk, but a sense of being clear-minded (as if all your worries went away), and a powerful reduction in anxiety. When I smoke, I tend to get an anxious feeling in my chest. I try to face my anxiety head on (although I don't spend enough time introspectively - to gain clarity about my anxiety), but Phenibut makes them go away, mostly. Now I can enjoy the relaxation, creativity, and pseudo-awareness that I find in weed. The combo cancels out negatives and each part accentuates the other, however it isn't complete. Some opioid would probably fit in nicely. I don't dabble in opioids, but that's what I'd imagine. BE MINDFUL: Just because I talk about drugs doesn't mean I do it irresponsibly, excessively, or haven't done thorough research and testing. These substances are addictive and can have negative effects, among powerful withdrawals, if you overdo it. Don't break the law, and be smart, take no chances. It's important to recognize when something endogenous can have powerful positive effects, likewise, it's even more important to recognize when their effects are harmful. Never take a drug received from someone you do not trust. Test, if possible. If not, a very low dose and working up is generally a safe approach. Doing your research and amassing knowledge is vital to your safety. Know or consult all drug interactions, know the effects and plan accordingly, for better and worse. Dosages, set & setting, and your mental state. Meditation helps as preparation and bringing non-judgmental introspection (and calmness/sense of peace) to your experience. It also helps you control your thoughts and clear your mind, taking in the surroundings. You may find that you access states of significant mental clarity, extreme euphoria, unparalleled despair, complete peace, self-loathing, unknown creativity, amazement, more alive than ever, or numb to the core. Your thoughts can stop being yours, you can succumb to them or be empowered, or perhaps just let them be. Your body can crease to be yours as you experience complete depersonalization, having no care what happens to this sack of meat. You find life and you find death, highs and lows. Jesus Christ I'm way too into romanticizing this topic right now. Makes for fun writing. You may learn to accept inevitable death. It's just like before you were born, right?? When this fear disappears, life is more vibrant. Remember that life moves forward and there is no need to rush here. I would recommend some drugs to be utilized for self-improvement/exploring yourself if possible, but I reiterate: don't break the law, and treat drugs with the respect they command. Further, I understand that this is a High School forum, I remember myself finding this website just before 7th grade. Do not mess with drugs, love. You are still developing and that is a serious matter. Looking back, in general, there were a lot of things I thought I had a grasp on, but I really just had an immature perspective. Still do. Even through high school and into college (and further) you will find that you were a degree more lost in your past ways. I look back at college freshman me, or heck, high school, and there are uncountable (probably fairly countable ish) things that I did not realize or learn yet at the time. Just accept that you're gonna have to play safe. Without experience with psychedelics you cannot imagine how terrified you'll be when after feeling tense or nauseous, a thought springs to life: "What is the cause of me feeling this way?" followed by "Do I know if it's acid?" suddenly your entire being is encapsuled by dread. "Did I overdose on 25i?" "Will I be like this forever?"
Do yourself the favor that when you do end up consuming, you know exactly what you're ingesting and have done your research.
Something I notice in general, but is very prominent with - I was gonna say with drug usage, but it's really just for psychedelics again + cannabis. Very much relating to the above post, I've found that the degree of a positive experience is significantly correlated with my level of comfort. For me there are usually two main causes for anxiety. Firstly, my level of comfort with the people I'm with. I find that, aside from general intuitive bonding methods, connection with and reaching out to people helps me. Making yourself vulnerable can often be the first step to form a bond or in creating a safe space (lol) where people don't feel anxiety about being themselves. Always remember that everyone is doing their best from their level of awareness/consciousness/insert pretentious new age term. Further, limit your assumptions [about others]. Assumptions are an estimated likelihood. When investing in the stock market, you are typically looking for a 4:1 or higher return to make the risk profitable in the long term. Treat your assumptions similarly.
The 2nd cause of anxiety is often myself as a result of my perception of my environment interlaced with innate levels of anxiety. Solutions are easily found here also. Increasing your feelings of control, mastery, adequacy, usually through accomplishing goals and feeling like you are progressing goes a long way. In the moment, meditating on my breath, breathing deep and slowly (stomach filled first and emptied last), and even body-language exercises like changing pose, smiling, laughing, or stretching.
When things take a chaotic turn, don't let the disappearance of order cause you anxiety. Just let go.
That was quite a rant. I suppose drugs are a current passion of mine. I'm fascinated by them and their effects. How I can induce certain states, endogenously. Perhaps running away from improving my emotion-action paradigm. I mean how I often let my emotions (aside from anger) guide my behaviors. Still, I believe drugs have helped me see myself more objectively and therefore better capable of recognizing patterns in my behavior (AKA my character) and make adjustments accordingly.
Enough ranting about that. I'm excited for this weekend. I've got a defining time ahead and I've gotta step up.
Check out this podcast. Great entertainment, awesome ideas, and perspective-shifting potential. I'd jump on anything Aubrey Marcus.
http://podcasts.joerogan.net/podcasts/aubrey-marcus-6
