NorwegianDJ's journal of personal growth

[LearningSlowly]

Mature, comfortable game. Your general attitude reminded me of myself on my most successful nights. Great job, man.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Great post man. I like the way even though she isn't showing interest, you still go for it. That's a great improvement over those first few pages, where you bounced around a lot. Now you don't and well... Yeah

Also, ever notice that written down a lot of these things seem rapey/aggressive in a bad way?

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Thanks guys.
I feel that I have to become more grounded and centered.
I do agree that the 'mature' game is good, yet Im not independent enough.
I might've failed to write how she showed interest at times, cause it's so natural to me. I agree that I have improved vastly in that, yet I have a long way to go. I must lead more.
Nope, in my head they don't. They probably do to others.

Today I tied up some loose ends in school, having a chat to the few that knew about me and Violet and made sure they'd keep their mouth shut.

Violet texted me yesterday, "What are you doing today?". Unfortunately, I didn't get it before today at 9. I'm uncertain, do I say that I didn't get it till now, or just ignore it? I want to make a point of that things will probably evolve with me and Jailbait, thus I'll try to make it work with both for 1-4 weeks first, thus planning to hang out with both next weekend.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I made the decision not to mention it. I find it funny how this whole situation has turned around. Let me elaborate.

Today was Valentines day (duh obviously). I didn't have any plans today. However, there were some things I could've abused.
People could buy serenades, played by Evan and this other guy. The other guy has the same name as me, so everyone thought I'd be serenading. I should've abused this and actually practiced and serenaded people.

You could also buy roses that would be delivered. I didn't buy any. However, at lunch I got really stressed for no reason. Everyone had roses, so I got it in my mind that I'd get one for Violet. I get one from Brian (I owe him R10, not worth it. Oh well), cut off the note and set out on my quest to give it to her without anyone noticing. I end up sticking it on the wrong locker. Hahahahahahaha.

There were also these notes you could give people. I think that next year I'll give one to everyone. I got 2. One from my only girl friend, who wants to fvck me, I call her Rome, "Happy Valentines creep xxx". Also got one from this chick in 9th grade, "Haha, I hate you... KIDDING. Besides pushing me into a dead bird, I love you. really. " I feel bad for not chatting with her afterwards

So back on track. I haven't paid any attention to Violet at school, nor has she to me. Then today, she recieves 4 roses from someone anonymous. Rome told me that Violet didn't know who they were from (of course she thinks its me). I figured that this can work nicely for me. I'll just smile at her tomorrow and she'll be all "YAY ME!"

Ehh, lets add some chat.
Last time I told Jailbait to pitch anytime around 3, or she'd be late.

On monday I hear that our school is playing her school away, so I figure I might aswell go there. I text her, but she doesnt reply. This results in the chat below:

blahblah
Her: "He always changes his mind and like a day before he wants me to go to him he tells me and expects me to drop other plans..."
Me: "Haha. Shame. Just tell him this is super important and sweet talk him! "
Her: "Haha okay just tell me one thing please? "
Me: "shoot"
Her: "You say that if I'm there at 3 I will be late, for what? " I do not want to tell her this, because: I have no idea wtf to do when she comes, and curiosity is a powerful thing. If I admitted something, it'd simply be less of a chance of her pitching. I have the attraction too, so Im not interested in taking the risk of getting her more interested over chat either.
Me: "i guess you wont ever find out if you dont pitch " Contemplated to use ;.) , but decided against it.
Her: "Ahhh come onnn :.) give me something to work with
Me: "oh ill give you something to work with :.)"
Her: "Give me something now :.)" I could've worked it sexual from here, but refer to above.
Me: "I enjoy keeping you in suspense :.)"
Her: "That's very nice of you :.)"
Me: "why thank you sweetie"
blahblahblah
Her: "I guess I'll just have to wait and see then. :.)"
Me: "That's my girl"

I don't really know why I included that. It seemed like a good idea when I decided to.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Adventures at Fez and Purple Turtle

It's time again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhXPMf_zgRs

Lets do an introduction.

Violet chatted with me on wednesday, where she tells me to hang out with them at lunch tomorrow and she might go to Zula (Jam Jarr is playing " ) (long street) on friday. "Sounds like a plan."

Jailbait informed me that she cant make it on saturday. "I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, promise "
I expect to surf with her tomorrow.

So lets get to what you're all here for: My Epic Adventures.

I tell my mom that I'm going to Jason's place (nextdoor), grab the keys, condom, gum, money (Took R200 from my mom's wallet. First time in like a decade. Have no money myself), and fake ID. Yes, I made a fake ID earlier that day. It's decent.

I go outside and hide the keys, proceed to find Bruno and a cab waiting for me at the gate. Hey, lets describe my style today. I have some blue lacoste shoes which I never wear. I wear them cause they're my only shoes apart from the joggers I always wear. Some jeans. White V'ish-neck t-shirt and this new jacket thing that I think looks fccking boss. My hair is quite long now, so I look like some Italian Casanova.

We pick up Jeremy, and Robin. We head to Fez first. It's about 500 meters to a kilometer off Long street. Robin is not keen, cause it's expensive. We walk around. Have a shot in a bar, visit spacebar. Walk around. Talk to a prostitute. We leave Robin at spacebar as he finds some people to hang with. We meet up with Brian, Tumi and his GF (Page 1-2, Sherminator) and Jason.
By now it's almost time for me to find Violet. I text her "You in long street?"
I chat to Jason while I look at a familiar girl. ITS VIOLET. I decide to ignore what I saw and keep chatting to people. I give R100 to Tumi as they're beginning to walk in. I take up my phone by the entrance and see Violet's text, "hells yeah!" I look up and Violet is smiling right in front of me. I sit down with her and her friend briefly, before I run in and get my VIP stamp. (I think I ran straight past the bouncers in this process). I go sit with Violet and her friend for about 7 minutes. By this time I understood why Violet said I should just go inside. Quite uninteresting, she had to leave quickly and yeah. I texted her later, "When are you getting off work?" I still haven't gotten a reply, (which is fine, considering I didn't reply to her last sunday).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWcVteTkjoQ

Inside, Fez is pretty banging. Huge area. Walk into a bar area, then a huge dancefloor, where you can take left up to a VIP area. I go up there and have a Coke & Vodka and eventually find my friends. Not to entertaining. Hit up the dancefloor later. I feel out of place. The worst is when you just stand there; you know you're supposed to dance, but you do not feel like it. I just think that conforming to dancing would be fcking stupid and leave. Also when you know all you need to do is just open/dance with the chick next to you and your night is made.
I decide this can wait and head outside. I phone Robin and meet some girls me and robin met in longstreet previously. Sadly, my hook up (was a good and hot one) was not there, cause she had karate practice tomorrow. She's a black belt WTF AWESOME. I take a cab with them to purple turtle and find Robin.

Robin rubbed his stamp onto my hand, and we proceeded to enter. I showed it and walked in, then asked for a restamp. WIN. Purple Turtle is packed. It's a dancefloor upstairs, with a long balcony with tables, and a bigger bar-dancefloor area with couches + tables downstairs. He walk around the place and meet some of his friends. As we pass the stairs, guess who's there? That Graveyard chick. What was her name? Jigallo? We're hooking up within 5 seconds of meeting. Robin goes with her friend and manages to screw up hardcore. Him: "I don't hook up with people in my school", her: "but Im in your school",Him: "No, like people that Im already friends with in my school", her: "But Im not your friend", him: "But you could be" HAHAHAHAHA. Ah, he didn't know why he said that.
Me and Jigallo pretty much spend 2-3 hours hooking up over the whole place. Her on top of me on the couch, both dancefloors, balcony. I also fingered her outside her clothes on all of these places and in front of her friends. Quite nice tits too, was under the bra a few times.I don't think I've ever been this turned on. PRO TIP: Kiss & suck her neck and earlobes (if she doesn't have earrings on). Holy mother of god. "I want you right now", "I want your body right now, fvck." That's my night right there. "But you don't have a condom, do you?", I showed her one, "I never leave the house without one." Her: "We'll use it later."
The place didn't have any airconditioning, so I walked around in just an open jacket and my t-shirt in my pocket, which was quite nice. Being built is the best.
We didn't end up having sex or anything. Met some friends and stuff. Failed to get Wassim into the place, he looks like he's 14, he's way too small. Another reason to bulk up.
Me and Robin head over to Fez, check out the inside while we wait for the others and the cab.
Take a squished cab ride with 5 people in the backseat back home at 4 in the morning.

Had a fb chat with Senora Black Belt from above today. Also sent Jailbait, "Im seeing you tomorrow, yeah?" Still waiting for a response.

I genuinely wonder who I'll end up with. Kinda makes me sad that I'll eventually have to pick one.

 

[Amo]

I genuinely wonder who I'll end up with. Kinda makes me sad that I'll eventually have to pick one.

And that right there, gentlemen, is how awesome abundance is.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

And that right there, gentlemen, is how awesome abundance is.

Luxury problems, hey.

Today I went surfing with Jailbait. It was kinda boring. Woke up at 9:30, figured out she was there, left 20 minutes later. It was kinda a repeat of last sunday, only with wetsuits and her dad instead of her mom. I don't think her dad likes me. I got tired of how.. stifled she was around her family, so I found it quite disinteresting. I mean.. yay handholding and shizznitz? Its fvcking 2nd date and I expect by standards to have hooked up multiple times by this time. I didn't end up kissing her (such an inconvenience) and she was all "See you soon!! " I kinda just turned and put on my sandals.

I proceed to walk a bit and then text Violet, "Im walking home from Muizenberg now. Wanna come over?"
She answers 10 minutes later, "I'm at kalk bay now, going to muizenberg in 30minutes."
Im contemplating walking back and respond, "Who you with?"
Her: "Friendly people, but im catching the train alone to muiziii... If you want to hang out for 20minutes or so, im going to bio extra afterwards.."
Me: "K call me when youre at muizenberg."
I walk back and chill at lifestyle for just under 10 minutes.
She texts me 5 minutes before Im expecting her, "Hey, listen.. I cant stop. Im in a rush. Next time for sure! Xxx have a nice Sunday."
I laugh and respond, "Ill enjoy my run home. See you around babe."
I proceed to jog about 10 kilometers home. More jogging and walking actually, cause my stamina sucks hardcore.

 

[LearningSlowly]

I like that flakes don't upset you. That's a good lesson to remember.

And she brought her dad on a date? Weird...

 

[Amo]

I hear Couch to 5K/10K are both brilliant. I'm more focused on weights and shorter distances right now, but I have tried it and it's quite hard. Tabata intervals too.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

It's time to be awesome. Now onto action. One random step at a time.

I started with writing on my whiteboard. Instead of writing some goals I previously had, I wrote a priority hierarchy, as I often find myself to not have anything to do or time for what I should spend my time on. Here goes:

*SS bulletpoints seem to be screwing up*

1. Everyday homework/study
2. Business work
3. Meditate
4. Long-term work
5. SAT *Important
6. Read
7. Run. - I have a secret desire to be able to run forever.
8. Go out - I rarely, if ever, do this during the week.
9. Play guitar

I also made the decision to start working out 2x per week and not 1. Goals of 100kg bench, 120kg squat, and 150kg deadlift, at the time of departure for Norway, which will be about the 9th of June. Just under 4 months is a bit ambitious, oh well.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Took the advice of Jaedon and decided to be more spontaneous. Saw Violet (a rare occurance) by her locker as school started. Gave her a half embrace. It seems that everything I do to her in school is 'half'. She doesn't like to see someone too much, nor people in school to know about us; thus everything I do to her, I seem to stop halfway if someone is around. I'm tired of it. After school I chatted to her briefly while trying to massage her. Felix bbm's her and he's got all her attention. I just left. Why am I writing this?

Hit up the gym today. Big day; all lifts increased by 5kg. Super easy. Bench has gone from 55x5 to 55x10+ . Working out, 1x/week benching. Gained 2kg in 3 weeks so far and my upper body is finally getting buff! Proper V shape soon!

Ran with this dog of a friend today. Such good excercise.

Salesvideo finally almost complete. Will work more on the business side again now.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Sup fvckers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrdpliMfoAM

My mind is fvcking up. I don't know what to do or ****, anything. I care too much, I care too little. ****ing hell. Non-caring mixed with lack of intent does not produce good results in general life situations.
I seem to have lost most motivation for school. It's so pointless. I sit there and look at my classmates; all so oblivious. It's like I'm here alone in a world full of sheeps. I'm always halfway out the door when I sit there; waiting for a trigger to drag me out of that state and the classroom. I could fight someone. Right here, right now. I would not mind; I would not lose.

I think I need to vent my frustration. The closest description that I can identify with right now is that unhappy pickup guy persona. I know that it might help right now to just dive into some old hookups.. but I fear that I'll feel horribly empty. It's at this point in life that everything can fall, or you can push through and overcome.

I just can't seem to come up with a solution. To me it seems logical that if I just work a ton on things that need to be worked on, (hw, study, long term hw, business, SAT) and did things necessary (work out, meditate, girls), then everything would be fine. However, that seems like a lot of stress in my mind...

I have a much better life than 90%+ of people my age, but something vital is lacking. Today my english teacher chatted with me alone. My name had came up in the administration meeting (I helped a friend of mine cheat yesterday), and most of them had noticed how I seem to have just stopped caring.

I told her what was on my mind. I even told her I had a journal. Whatever. I just wanna go outside and BE FREE. FVCK this illusion of freedom that we have. I cried. For the first time in... forever. I need to vent frustration and confusion somewhere.

Im gonna cut this hair, get some food, and work out. Today.

 

[Amo]

It's your life.

The fact of the matter is that the only one who will really make a difference big enough to change your life is you. None of us really give a **** about you. And why should we? We've got our own empty lives to worry about.

Happiness is within. Just reach in and take it.

 

[ScottMustaine]

@Amo You can't really be 'happy' if you want freedom and sooner or later understand that the only freedom you have is the freedom as the word.
This whole world is upon slavery, just look at the whole system, not of the states but how the hell world works. State tells you got freedom of speach, yet you have to watch your words. State tells you you are having a 'great life', and many tend to think they have it. A part of this could be in DJing. Most of it revolves that if you don't go to gym, don't bang girls, don't gather in social meetings that you have miserable life and that you don't have a 'great life'.

Thus NDJ, do what pleases you the most, it's individuals choice whether he has great life or not. Just because they don't practise what you do, doesn't mean they don't have a great life. For someone it's playing games 24/7, for someone it's doing various sorts of things. But I have to agree that doing various sorts of things can IMPROVE and make your life GREATER if you LIKE it. And yes, I'm still a little bit depressed and kind of jealous of people walking with smiles up to their ears out of nothing. This feeling is hitting everyone from time to time. It just may not be your day, tommorow it's going to be probably better. Cool off a bit, don't force yourself so much about girls.

Read the "The Process" by Franz Kafka. It's explained in 'universal' way how come you actually are not free. Something that later would be a bit science fictioned and made as "The Matrix Trilogy".

What YOU can DO is accept it that noone as actually free. This is getting into phylosophy, but to be honest, my mind will never be free as long as I don't get some answers starting from the point of life, how the life was created etc. The only right sometimes I feel is that I got the right to go insane. The whole world might have been a better place if we were still in caves. XD


Just take it slowly, back off a bit, relax, play instrument etc.
Quit being 'the aplha' for a day.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Went to the gym. Feel much better. Eatin some chicken.

It's just a lack of short-term motivation. I'll make it work.

I think a possible reason for this... behaviour could be extremely high testosterone levels. Im eating partly to increase my T levels. Wouldnt* be surprised if they have doubled.

Im smiling right now, both you and I know that I can easily beat this.
It's just that something feels missing.

As for freedom, I know I can make that happen. I'll go to uni for the experience, not the academics. During this time I'll establish financial income and contacts. Easymode. I'm not average.

I agree that everything is individual, but there is always a balance. You need food, comfort & shelter. You cannot feel good if you play games all the time, as you wont have enough exercise and social interactions. You need to strike a balance. And yes, you do not need a logical reason to be happy.

Being alpha is my personality for now; it's not something I put on.

Not much to update about girls. Trying to make plans for the weekend. Not quite working out. Jailbait has a friend staying over for the whole weekend. I'll chat with Violet tomorrow.
Today there was this chick in grade 9, who saw me and violet hook up. She was excited and ****. I halfway hugged her and halfway kicked her. I walked over to Violet's group as she yelled, "careful, I know your secret!" I yelled "**** OFF!", shared a quick look with Violet and sat down. I later chatted to that chick and told her I would've fcked her up if she was serious. She started crying and ran. Oh well, she won't tell anybody.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Im smiling right now, both you and I know that I can easily beat this.
It's just that something feels missing.

Spiritually, I believe in destiny. Free will exists, you can make whatever decisions you want, but every choice is the right choice, and it's the decision that was written at the beginning of time.

There is a path of least resistance. This path comes from hard work, initiative, foresight and being in the now (and probably many things related to those).

Unfortunately, try as we might (and we should try) we can't stay on that path all the time.

But these down-phases, the pain and feeling of being lost, anger or whatever it is, those are all destined too. You need to have this problem so that you're ready for the next stage in your life.

Don't worry, man. Just do the things you know you should do, and you'll be able to deal with everything when it comes.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Waldorfians, Hustling, Gay Pride, and Vaginas on Fire

Spiritually, I believe in destiny. Free will exists, you can make whatever decisions you want, but every choice is the right choice, and it's the decision that was written at the beginning of time.

There is a path of least resistance. This path comes from hard work, initiative, foresight and being in the now (and probably many things related to those).

Unfortunately, try as we might (and we should try) we can't stay on that path all the time.

But these down-phases, the pain and feeling of being lost, anger or whatever it is, those are all destined too. You need to have this problem so that you're ready for the next stage in your life.

Don't worry, man. Just do the things you know you should do, and you'll be able to deal with everything when it comes.

I do agree partly. Destiny? If so, then a lot of people are destined to be nobody and unconciously serve others. Destiny might exist in some form, as in the uniformity of the universe, but I won't ever use destiny as an excuse for inaction.

I'll include a small chat I had with Violet on wednesday.

Me (5 days previous): I'll meet you at Zula sometime between 11 and 12. Are you with friends or will I have to take care of you? " Quite a poor message. Of course she's with friends. Should've stopped at the first period.
Her (5 days after): "hey! that previous message you sent me is not fair! I don't need taking care of!"
Me: "A cute girl like you? Sure you do, you just don't wanna admit it" She hates being called cute.
Her: "I am not cute."
Me: "Yeah, you're lackingg in the fluffy aspect. You could be softer. I guess I could call you sexy, but I don't feel I can say that sincerely yet"
Her: "that sounds awefully like an insult.!?
are you saying i am not sexy now?"
Me: "Hahahaha. I am saying I need more to work with to make a good judgement on your sexiness"
Her: "aha. i see.
so, you need to see more huh?"
Me: "definitely
Since you're feeling so independent, you may organize us something this weekend" Poor ending.

Also quickly messaged Jailbait:
Me: "You able to do something FUN this weekend? Im tired of family being around "
Her: "Me too. Like what? "
Me: "I take it you're at your mom's? Most convenient and entertaining thing I can think of is just chilling at my estate. You allowed?"
Her, a day later: "I'm sorry I have a friend staying with me the whole weekend..."
Me: "No fun times for you then"
Her:Sorry. "

So friday arrives and I head home at 11, as it's a half-day. Prokop is busy, as he's "going to a friend's place"
I text Violet, "Come over "
She responds, "Im supposed to be doing something with prokop, do you have his number? Thanks I'll come over if he cancels "
2 hours later she tells me, "You can come over here for a little while if you like? "
I quickly put on some clothes and head out the door. I meet Che as he tells me Matthew is having a get-together next door today. I told him I'll step by later.
I head down to the school nextdoor, where they just finished the schoolday. I scare this woman as I ask her where she's heading. Turns out she's heading the exact place I wanna go and is glad to take me. I end up sitting in the backseat with 3 other chicks. Quite entertaining. I was extremely hungry, so they gave me a tiny piece of bread. That piece of bread lasted me for so long. JESUSBREAD.

They drop me off and I see Violet walking 20 meters in front of me towards where we planned to meet. I run up behind her and we proceed to walk to her house. We jump a wall and there we are. From the back it's just a bunch of small gardens. Doesn't look like much. She leads me around the front of the house and my jaw literally drops. It's HUGE and AMAZING. A tennis court. Swimming pool. Huge house with 1 floor. Pretty damn sweet. She shows me the inside of the house, then we chill in her room for a bit. SUCH A COOL ROOM. Full of personality. (unlike mine. Part of renting a house I guess). Cant remember much of what we did. I think I just spent a lot of time inspecting her room.

Her friend, Tiara arrives. We go out to find her other female friend, Aragorn. We then proceed to walk to the green belt, where Tiara and Violet have a smoke and we chill. Nothing memorable. Someone mentions how I say "dance" like Felix. Entertaining chat about getting high and tripping. These chicks are way cool. As we walk back, I try to grab Violet's hand a few times. She rejects it and smiles. Ah, always so confusing.

We head back to Violet's place and say goodbye to Tiara.
Not much notable from chilling in the room with Violet and Aragorn. We play that game where you have a note on your forehead. I gave Aragorn "Tyler Durden", but she hadn't seen the movie, contrasting Violet, who had. I am impressed. I see she has the Norwegian flag on her door, and I go take a look at it, smiling 'appriciatidely' back at Violet. She says she got it from her friend, whom went to Norway once.

Aragorn leaves and we head back to Violet's room. We start chatting about dancing. I tell her to show me. She teaches me the 2 basic steps (which I found tricky tbh). She does some more advanced moves. I pull her in twice. She just smiles and keeps going. This distracts me so much that I lose the beat. We start over again, and this time she is receptive. We hook up while walking towards the bed. Her on top of me. So good.

We lay on the bed. "This wasn't supposed to happen. It was supposed to be a one-time thing." I just smile. We chat and hook up a bit. I'm still waay to relaxed, which I'd say was the reason we didn't go all the way. I'll just have to be more persistent and not stop mid-session. I also dislike being on top. It's tricky. Any tips from someone that does this regularly?
We hook up and chat for another 20-30 minutes. I carress her body. Compliment her abs and state her lack of bii ceps. I kiss & suck her neck, "That's the biggest turn on." Ah, I shouldve persisted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6xU96KLBL4

We head to the waldorf night market. It's quite chilled. I walk around alone. Buy this 'Georgio' blazer for 80 rand from this supercool hot hipster chick Ive mentioned a few times. This other chick wants it. I let her put it on. She refuses to take it of, so I take her purse. We later exchange for 150 rand. Meet a few people. Jam some guitar. Then I head back to Violet's place.

She's all alone, getting dressed for this party she's invited to. She so fine. I chill with the music and observe her. As she's changing stockings, she asks me a question. I, by instinct, turn to look at her. I quickly turn back and say "sorry." followed up with quickly looking back at her, "Mother of god!" Damn that body.

I get driven home by her and her friends. At home, Prokop is waiting for me. My mom is out, and he's sitting outside with music, vodka, and haribos. We soak the haribos in vodka and cream soda. Pretty damn good. I stop immediately when I feel a buzz in my head. My game drops rapidly whenever I feel something in my head. We still had like 7/8th's left when we went nextdoor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0714IbwC3HA

It's only 8:30 and the party nextdoor is banging. It's about 20 people there, most a year younger than me. I have grown a beard for 9 days now, so people think Im 19-21. Swede is there, and quickly runs of with Jason, then later hooks up with someone else. It's a really chilled out vibe with RHCP and beatles playing. I dance a bit with this sexy little wild chick. I'll call her Cross. I dont really enjoy grinding and that stuff, so I usually do a folk, tango, salsa style dance improv. At one point we're dancing backwards into the darkness outside, but she runs off at the last second.

Fast forward till me and Prokop are leaving. We say goodbye to people. She's on a couch with a guy on each side. I take her legs over my shoulders, then in missionaryish possition. I lean in and kiss her. We hook up for about 20 seconds, then we leave. Good hookup. Added her on fb later. So fine.

On Saturday Prokop leaves and Jason comes over. We chill by the pool. Have 2 9th grade girls over. He invites me to this 16th party from 3-9. I say sure.

The party was extremely laid back and about 30 people split into 2 groups that knew eachother. And me. It was supposed to be a dress-up, so I have this girl put a purple band around my head and a multi-colored one around my neck. I later figured, when people on the street were staring at me, that this was obviously all the gay-pride colors. Oh well.

Not much to say about the party. Hooked up with this black chick that was slightly high at the moment. I pulled her in, qucik peck, then she says, "let's find somewhere private."

After trying to be alone in the garage twice and once in the bathroom (where I climbed out the window), we finally settle behind the dumpsters in the outside garage. She gives decently bad handjobs. I finger her and she comes quite hard. I feel surreal indifference. After she comes, she says, "that was amazing" "you're brilliant" "It's like my vagina's on fire". Whatever. When she then wants to leave, without finishing me, I just stare at her. *****es be crazy. She's a virgin and refused to go all the way. Im the first one she's done anything with. Oh well. She said she'll go all the way next time and begged me to add her. I'm only in it for the sex on this one. I couldn't care less.

The party was in the area Jailbait lives. I called her twice and visited Robin.

Violet messaged me 2 hours ago, "thanx for co,ing over on forday, it was cool" That's sweet.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Sup fvckers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrdpliMfoAM

My mind is fvcking up. I don't know what to do or ****, anything. I care too much, I care too little. ****ing hell. Non-caring mixed with lack of intent does not produce good results in general life situations.
I seem to have lost most motivation for school. It's so pointless. I sit there and look at my classmates; all so oblivious. It's like I'm here alone in a world full of sheeps. I'm always halfway out the door when I sit there; waiting for a trigger to drag me out of that state and the classroom. I could fight someone. Right here, right now. I would not mind; I would not lose.

I think I need to vent my frustration. The closest description that I can identify with right now is that unhappy pickup guy persona. I know that it might help right now to just dive into some old hookups.. but I fear that I'll feel horribly empty. It's at this point in life that everything can fall, or you can push through and overcome.

I just can't seem to come up with a solution. To me it seems logical that if I just work a ton on things that need to be worked on, (hw, study, long term hw, business, SAT) and did things necessary (work out, meditate, girls), then everything would be fine. However, that seems like a lot of stress in my mind...

I have a much better life than 90%+ of people my age, but something vital is lacking. Today my english teacher chatted with me alone. My name had came up in the administration meeting (I helped a friend of mine cheat yesterday), and most of them had noticed how I seem to have just stopped caring.

I told her what was on my mind. I even told her I had a journal. Whatever. I just wanna go outside and BE FREE. FVCK this illusion of freedom that we have. I cried. For the first time in... forever. I need to vent frustration and confusion somewhere.

Im gonna cut this hair, get some food, and work out. Today.

I just read this man. You have no idea how much this helped. I'm gonna go post in my journal, but first off don't ignore this problem and think it will go away if you focus on motivation or working out.

Last year after I left the forum and started getting laid, I lost all motivation for school. That all happened during the exam period so I halfway bombed the whole of last year, one teacher illegally changed my scores so I can stay in her class. I went from a genius student to a douche who was going through the motions. As soon as Ash broke up with me I felt lost like you described, I feel like your Violet has you in a similar scenario. She didn't want people knowing, didn't want to see you as much as you want her, talks about other guys...

Anyway, long story short I ended up feeling exactly as you described. I used to listen to a lot of that music as well. And this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq8PyyMbrYQ

Basically it was because I had settled. I was like 20% as awesome as I wanted to be at first. All this bull**** I was only about as cool as a wallflower, no point in having anything if you settle for it.

I'm not sure this is clear exactly but basically I think there is some root problem leading to your unhappiness. Something you may not have accepted that is making you unhappy, even though you can beast the **** out of everything it creates this.. shift between parts of you where.. I felt like there was something else but I was too scared to go for it. I'm finally going for it and sometimes I get these moments. But I'm not ever going to ignore them again, I know they mean an important choice has come and I have to go the way to progress. No matter the short term harm I know I might have to abandon certain people this time. I'm willing to do that. Maybe you'll have to be as well.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I just read this man. You have no idea how much this helped. I'm gonna go post in my journal, but first off don't ignore this problem and think it will go away if you focus on motivation or working out.

Last year after I left the forum and started getting laid, I lost all motivation for school. That all happened during the exam period so I halfway bombed the whole of last year, one teacher illegally changed my scores so I can stay in her class. I went from a genius student to a douche who was going through the motions. As soon as Ash broke up with me I felt lost like you described, I feel like your Violet has you in a similar scenario. She didn't want people knowing, didn't want to see you as much as you want her, talks about other guys...

Anyway, long story short I ended up feeling exactly as you described. I used to listen to a lot of that music as well. And this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq8PyyMbrYQ

Basically it was because I had settled. I was like 20% as awesome as I wanted to be at first. All this bull**** I was only about as cool as a wallflower, no point in having anything if you settle for it.

I'm not sure this is clear exactly but basically I think there is some root problem leading to your unhappiness. Something you may not have accepted that is making you unhappy, even though you can beast the **** out of everything it creates this.. shift between parts of you where.. I felt like there was something else but I was too scared to go for it. I'm finally going for it and sometimes I get these moments. But I'm not ever going to ignore them again, I know they mean an important choice has come and I have to go the way to progress. No matter the short term harm I know I might have to abandon certain people this time. I'm willing to do that. Maybe you'll have to be as well.

Agree wholeheartedly. Thanks bro.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

When you're on top either put your hands on her hips (1st choice) or if that hurts her hook your arm under hers. That way you get leverage. If she's tall it may be better to put your elbows just above her shoulders. Make sure to grind against her, it's not so much thrusting as drawing out and grinding in.

Edit: Also, you can put her feet into your chest so you can lean against that, or hook your biceps under her knees and go from there. both need some flexibility and even though the second one feels great for the girl it doesn't look hot sometimes.