Rollo Tomassi
Master Don Juan
By society's current standards I'm a freak. I'm a freak in that I met my wife and we dated (non-exclusively) for 7 months before I proposed to her. I was 28 when we married. After 2 years being married we decided to have one child - by design. My wife expected me to be a Man and I in turn expected her to be a Woman. I did not knock her up and then marry her. She was not a single mother, nor did she have excess baggage from previous relationships to deal with.
This is important to know, because when I relate stuff about my marriage I often get the "well, you did everything right" response, when in fact every bit of what I enjoy with my wife today is due to me doing everything wrong. I had to unlearn what 26 years of feminized and emasculating teachings had taught me up to that point. I had come across a unique situation - a woman who actually wanted a Man to be a Man, and in all honesty I was completely unprepared for it. I was an AFC (really an rAFC by that point due to a psychotic, 4.5 year relationship prior to all this) and there was no SoSuave.com back then to inform me otherwise.
Mrs. Tomassi and I have very mature marriage, but by no means a boring or routine one. I like to think that we're a good match because we both had the benefit of maturing in our 20s prior to getting married and we're accepting of that. It's this experience that made us who we are now.
We're together, yet we have our own identities. This is very important because I see far too many AFCs - especially the most responsible, ethical, dependable ones - utterly lose themselves by this endless effort to identify themselves more with their wives over the course of a marriage. And this is only compounded by the lack of experiecne necessary to develop a strong sense of self needed to be a good Man, husband and father.
I can't give anyone a blueprint for a good marriage, I can only tell you what's worked for me. My marriage is strong because it's effortless. Mrs. Tomassi and I play on the same team and we have common purpose (particularly with our daughter). We're a good fit because we don't have to work at it, we don't need to keep it fresh because it never gets dull. I'm not saying it's a party all the time, but we have the ability to roll with circumstance. People wont believe this, but I've never had a fight with my wife that's lasted longer than half a day. And in 13 years this has happened maybe 3-4 times. This is important to me because in the LTR I was in just prior to meeting my wife I had what amounted to a 4.5 year struggle with an abject BPD woman. This time was spent in the pit of misery for me, however, there are things I learned in that LTR that I knew I could (would) never endure in a marriage.
I knew before I ever met Mrs. Tomassi that I could never be faithful to a woman who was less than what was necessary for my personal satisfaction. Does this sound "shallow" or "selfish"? Yeah, well, come to me after 13 years being married and see if it's not. I know myself, I've seen me do it. I've been the cheater and the cheated in my past. I could not be faithful to a woman who'd let herself go physically or one who would not be sexually available (based on real desire) in the long term. This is firmly established in my marriage. People are inclined to think it's "shallow", but when you're betting your future happiness, and the happiness of any children you'll have, in the long term this is in no way "shallow." For the same amount of effort and as much importance that women place on the characteristics that make a man "marriage material", men need to hold any potential wife up to the absolute highest standard for their own satisfaction.
I realize this is a very tall order considering the risk-to-reward ratio that a contemporary marriage presents. Is marriage worth it? No, it's not, and particularly when you know the realities of it. So that necessitates the person you do decide to marry to be exceptional, in fact so exceptional that you'll marry her in spite of the risk. It's important to understand that no woman will ever be ideal and that people do have shifts in personality and conditions as time goes by. I'm sure many people will see parallels with the mythical 'quality woman'in this, but I think knowing yourself and what you are capable of will give you a better idea of what you can deal with in marriage. That said, marriage should never be a man's goal. It should be an unrepressable byproduct of a good LTR. In other words, it should make sense despite the emotional investment, despite the easily identifiable consequences and despite knowing that what you're sacrificing will never be fully appreciated by your spouse.
I've posted on many a thread stating that, other than child rearing, there is no advantage for a man in marriage that he couldn't otherwise get outside of it. He sacrifices all of his potential opportunity by committing to her terms, exclusively for her own security. If this is the trade, and a Man does in fact want to be married in spite of fully understanding this (most men don't or refuse to) then she HAS to meet the highest set of criteria. Far too many children are the result of bait & switch marriages and ultimately spawn the next generation of like minded individuals.
Mrs. Tomassi is no push-over and she most certainly gives me sh!t tests even to this day. In fact I've described marriage as one life long sh!t test and I still hold to that mark, but try to see past this as being a negative. From the begining she's EXPECTED me to be positively masculine - to be the decision maker, to be the initiator, to have the ideas and to confidently execute them. Even in my worst failures, the fact that I attempted was more important than the outcome. This may not have been the case in the short term, but in the long term is where you can see the appreciation in the behavior. We compliment each other in our understanding of our gender roles.
There are so many aspects I can detail about what makes for a good marriage, but all of these really boil down to 2 things, genuine desire and mutual respect. Too many couples become complacent and comfortable in their marriages and this leads to a decline in both of these areas. A certain degree of subtle anxiety and constructive discontent is necessary for a good marriage. That comes off as negative, but it's really what makes each partner want to be better for themselves and each other. Taken too far it becomes abusive, but none at all and the marriage becomes stagnant which is equally dangerous. But, in the right proportion, this anxiety makes for a marriage that retains it's mutual desire (which is really IL) and mutual respect.
So how does this anxiety manifest itself? The easiest example is staying in shape together. I can honestly say my wife is as hot (if not more so) as the day i married her. I WANT to bang my wife as often as humanly possible, how many men married for 13 years can make that statement? My wife is a piece of ass and I see guys eye her all the time. Likewise I'm a bodybuilder and keep myself in condition. In my line of work, I get women in their 20's flirting with me often enough, and this confirms for her and myself that we are both desirable people - this is one example of this anxiety, and we both recognize it and respect each other for it. We even joke about it.
There are other ways this anxiety can be applied, for instance C&F goes a long way in marriage. Mrs. Tomassi loves just enough C&F attitude from me to reaffirm her perception of my confidence. As I said early, marriage is a life long set of sh!t tests and carefully used C&F is a tool that can be used to diffuse a lot of these before they even happen. Confidence is still the thing that makes a woman want a man, even in marriage. Generally a sh!t test IS a test of confidence. Prior to marriage, it's latent purpose is to help a woman determine whether a guy can provide for her long term security. After marriage, a sh!t test is used to reassure a woman that she married the right guy.
I have a lot of rules I pop off with about LTRs & marriage on this forum. I emphasize that a man not even become monogamous until he's 28-30 and that he shouldn't consider marriage until his mid 30s. Again, I state this not because I did so myself, but from my side of the fence I can see the huge advantages to doing so now. Marriage should be a last resort, something to be forestalled until a Man, by virtue of years of experience, has the ability to recognize with measurable accuracy, a woman who deserves what he provides her. The PRIZE mentality is essential. A man must be a Prince first, before he can be a King when he marries. After 13 years of marriage I can honestly say there are no appreciable advantages (outside of raising children) that a man cannot enjoy single that he can married. That's not meant to be pessimistic, but rather a caution to emphasize how important it is to disabuse yourselves of this AFC, romanticized, marriage-as-goal mentality. It's also not to say marriage is never worth it - remember I have a great marriage - just that marriage is complete advantage for women with negligible benefit for men. Marriage will either make a man's life or destroy his life; enter into thinking about it like this and you'll do well - is this person deserving of what I provide? Women will NEVER, even in the best of marriages, fully appreciate the sacrifices a man has to make in order to fulfill his commitment of marriage. This is why you have put your head into thinking whether she's deserving of your provisioning, security, confidence, attention, and that whole laundry list of prerequiste characteristics you have to meet for her acceptance, even when it goes against what you think is your kind and good-hearted nature. You must be as self-concerned about marriage as you would be in saving your own life.
This is important to know, because when I relate stuff about my marriage I often get the "well, you did everything right" response, when in fact every bit of what I enjoy with my wife today is due to me doing everything wrong. I had to unlearn what 26 years of feminized and emasculating teachings had taught me up to that point. I had come across a unique situation - a woman who actually wanted a Man to be a Man, and in all honesty I was completely unprepared for it. I was an AFC (really an rAFC by that point due to a psychotic, 4.5 year relationship prior to all this) and there was no SoSuave.com back then to inform me otherwise.
Mrs. Tomassi and I have very mature marriage, but by no means a boring or routine one. I like to think that we're a good match because we both had the benefit of maturing in our 20s prior to getting married and we're accepting of that. It's this experience that made us who we are now.
We're together, yet we have our own identities. This is very important because I see far too many AFCs - especially the most responsible, ethical, dependable ones - utterly lose themselves by this endless effort to identify themselves more with their wives over the course of a marriage. And this is only compounded by the lack of experiecne necessary to develop a strong sense of self needed to be a good Man, husband and father.
I can't give anyone a blueprint for a good marriage, I can only tell you what's worked for me. My marriage is strong because it's effortless. Mrs. Tomassi and I play on the same team and we have common purpose (particularly with our daughter). We're a good fit because we don't have to work at it, we don't need to keep it fresh because it never gets dull. I'm not saying it's a party all the time, but we have the ability to roll with circumstance. People wont believe this, but I've never had a fight with my wife that's lasted longer than half a day. And in 13 years this has happened maybe 3-4 times. This is important to me because in the LTR I was in just prior to meeting my wife I had what amounted to a 4.5 year struggle with an abject BPD woman. This time was spent in the pit of misery for me, however, there are things I learned in that LTR that I knew I could (would) never endure in a marriage.
I knew before I ever met Mrs. Tomassi that I could never be faithful to a woman who was less than what was necessary for my personal satisfaction. Does this sound "shallow" or "selfish"? Yeah, well, come to me after 13 years being married and see if it's not. I know myself, I've seen me do it. I've been the cheater and the cheated in my past. I could not be faithful to a woman who'd let herself go physically or one who would not be sexually available (based on real desire) in the long term. This is firmly established in my marriage. People are inclined to think it's "shallow", but when you're betting your future happiness, and the happiness of any children you'll have, in the long term this is in no way "shallow." For the same amount of effort and as much importance that women place on the characteristics that make a man "marriage material", men need to hold any potential wife up to the absolute highest standard for their own satisfaction.
I realize this is a very tall order considering the risk-to-reward ratio that a contemporary marriage presents. Is marriage worth it? No, it's not, and particularly when you know the realities of it. So that necessitates the person you do decide to marry to be exceptional, in fact so exceptional that you'll marry her in spite of the risk. It's important to understand that no woman will ever be ideal and that people do have shifts in personality and conditions as time goes by. I'm sure many people will see parallels with the mythical 'quality woman'in this, but I think knowing yourself and what you are capable of will give you a better idea of what you can deal with in marriage. That said, marriage should never be a man's goal. It should be an unrepressable byproduct of a good LTR. In other words, it should make sense despite the emotional investment, despite the easily identifiable consequences and despite knowing that what you're sacrificing will never be fully appreciated by your spouse.
I've posted on many a thread stating that, other than child rearing, there is no advantage for a man in marriage that he couldn't otherwise get outside of it. He sacrifices all of his potential opportunity by committing to her terms, exclusively for her own security. If this is the trade, and a Man does in fact want to be married in spite of fully understanding this (most men don't or refuse to) then she HAS to meet the highest set of criteria. Far too many children are the result of bait & switch marriages and ultimately spawn the next generation of like minded individuals.
Mrs. Tomassi is no push-over and she most certainly gives me sh!t tests even to this day. In fact I've described marriage as one life long sh!t test and I still hold to that mark, but try to see past this as being a negative. From the begining she's EXPECTED me to be positively masculine - to be the decision maker, to be the initiator, to have the ideas and to confidently execute them. Even in my worst failures, the fact that I attempted was more important than the outcome. This may not have been the case in the short term, but in the long term is where you can see the appreciation in the behavior. We compliment each other in our understanding of our gender roles.
There are so many aspects I can detail about what makes for a good marriage, but all of these really boil down to 2 things, genuine desire and mutual respect. Too many couples become complacent and comfortable in their marriages and this leads to a decline in both of these areas. A certain degree of subtle anxiety and constructive discontent is necessary for a good marriage. That comes off as negative, but it's really what makes each partner want to be better for themselves and each other. Taken too far it becomes abusive, but none at all and the marriage becomes stagnant which is equally dangerous. But, in the right proportion, this anxiety makes for a marriage that retains it's mutual desire (which is really IL) and mutual respect.
So how does this anxiety manifest itself? The easiest example is staying in shape together. I can honestly say my wife is as hot (if not more so) as the day i married her. I WANT to bang my wife as often as humanly possible, how many men married for 13 years can make that statement? My wife is a piece of ass and I see guys eye her all the time. Likewise I'm a bodybuilder and keep myself in condition. In my line of work, I get women in their 20's flirting with me often enough, and this confirms for her and myself that we are both desirable people - this is one example of this anxiety, and we both recognize it and respect each other for it. We even joke about it.
There are other ways this anxiety can be applied, for instance C&F goes a long way in marriage. Mrs. Tomassi loves just enough C&F attitude from me to reaffirm her perception of my confidence. As I said early, marriage is a life long set of sh!t tests and carefully used C&F is a tool that can be used to diffuse a lot of these before they even happen. Confidence is still the thing that makes a woman want a man, even in marriage. Generally a sh!t test IS a test of confidence. Prior to marriage, it's latent purpose is to help a woman determine whether a guy can provide for her long term security. After marriage, a sh!t test is used to reassure a woman that she married the right guy.
I have a lot of rules I pop off with about LTRs & marriage on this forum. I emphasize that a man not even become monogamous until he's 28-30 and that he shouldn't consider marriage until his mid 30s. Again, I state this not because I did so myself, but from my side of the fence I can see the huge advantages to doing so now. Marriage should be a last resort, something to be forestalled until a Man, by virtue of years of experience, has the ability to recognize with measurable accuracy, a woman who deserves what he provides her. The PRIZE mentality is essential. A man must be a Prince first, before he can be a King when he marries. After 13 years of marriage I can honestly say there are no appreciable advantages (outside of raising children) that a man cannot enjoy single that he can married. That's not meant to be pessimistic, but rather a caution to emphasize how important it is to disabuse yourselves of this AFC, romanticized, marriage-as-goal mentality. It's also not to say marriage is never worth it - remember I have a great marriage - just that marriage is complete advantage for women with negligible benefit for men. Marriage will either make a man's life or destroy his life; enter into thinking about it like this and you'll do well - is this person deserving of what I provide? Women will NEVER, even in the best of marriages, fully appreciate the sacrifices a man has to make in order to fulfill his commitment of marriage. This is why you have put your head into thinking whether she's deserving of your provisioning, security, confidence, attention, and that whole laundry list of prerequiste characteristics you have to meet for her acceptance, even when it goes against what you think is your kind and good-hearted nature. You must be as self-concerned about marriage as you would be in saving your own life.
