New Member Looking 4 Guidance!

[Mr CIDH]

He totally flaked on me. No explanation, but whatever, I don't care. I've even come to expect this from him. I never got the chance to wear that short skirt. His loss.

Strangely enough... my ex, (the one in jail) called me last night. He's been clean for 8 months now... and talking to him was very interesting! He apologized over and over for all the things he did and begged me for another chance, but I am resisting. It does seem as though he's a totally new person though, and he was very open and honest about himself, his feelings and the past. It was good to talk about some of the resentment I felt towards him. I'm not saying we're going to get back together, but it was healing to be able to get some of that out.

I am happy and content with my life as a single girl, but there are days I def get lonely and wish I had someone to love and spend time with. I figure good things are worth waiting for.

You like guys with low interest (gay or flaking).. have a jerk dude in jail who's bullsh1t talk you swallow and you even consider he might have 'changed' and 'are resisting' instead of 'get rid of him'. You don't want love, you want game. You are in denial like every woman. Nothing new here.

Dang... this DJ forum which explains EXACTLY what you are like and you still don't understand a thing about yourself. This proves every theory about women right once again. Women don't understand themselves they even understand themselves less than we do.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

You like guys with low interest (gay or flaking).. have a jerk dude in jail who's bullsh1t talk you swallow and you even consider he might have 'changed' and 'are resisting' instead of 'get rid of him'. You don't want love, you want game. You are in denial like every woman. Nothing new here.

Dang... this DJ forum which explains EXACTLY what you are like and you still don't understand a thing about yourself. This proves every theory about women right once again. Women don't understand themselves they even understand themselves less than we do.

Igetit - I'm not sure what is "working" because I'm just kind of fed up and disinterested anymore... so I'm not sure how that's a good thing.

I also haven't been doing a lot of 'complaining' I said I confronted him once or twice about not calling/texting when he said he would, but other than that I don't nag him. I just let him be. I give up, live my life, and sooner or later, he will call or text me.

I'm not trying to change him at all, it's not my place. However, I can and do choose to disassociate with people who don't have the courtesy and self-respect to honor their own word.

So, if you go by what women DO as opposed to what they SAY, what am I doing wrong by allowing him space and not harping on the subject? It's irritating, but our friendship is new, and I don't want to push him away with judgments and so forth.

KontrollerX - Nope, never dated a bouncer. LOL Odd question!

I do not have any 'close' female friends, but plenty of irritating bubble-headed acquaintances, (most of whom I work with).

As for my ex... he's an EX for a reason. I'm just saying it was nice to get some closure about things. I'm on the path to mental well-being and this was definitely helpful... to be able to talk to him about MY feelings for once. He has expressed a deep interest in "making things work between us" but I don't feel it's possible for me to ever be with him again.

Part of me does want to believe that things could be different, that people can change, and I honestly wish the best for him, but my mind is kinda switched to "single mode" now and I like having my own life and interests. Even if he had changed, he would be way too immersed in my life for me to be comfortable. It's best to keep him at a distance.

Mr CIDH - Yes, I'll admit, I like at least one guy with low interest... it didn't start out that way, but I guess kind of fizzled over time. I don't "have a jerk dude in jail" I KNOW a jerk dude in jail, who I DID get rid of 8 months ago. (DUH)

I want to know what "Game" it is that I want, because I truly do believe I want to be loved and appreciated like everyone else. You obviously know what's best for me, (even more so than I, even though I'm seeking advice and guidance here, not criticism).

Please tell me where this precious description of what I am like is, so I can understand myself. Geez I'm just so glad you pointed all of this out for me.

 

[Igetit!]

Igetit - I'm not sure what is "working" because I'm just kind of fed up and disinterested anymore... so I'm not sure how that's a good thing.

Boy,that Mr.CIDH hit the nail right on the head. you don't understand,pLaYtHiNg. You "don't get it". Even if you were to read up on exactly the same thing you're currently going through,I doubt you'd still be able to understand. You don't even realize what's going on while it's happening. Look,when I was talking about something "working",I meant working for HIM,the guy you like. What he's doing is working. You say you're not sure how that's a good thing. Well it is.....for him. You say your fed up and losing interest. Oh,really? So if he were to show up at your doorstep right now,and invite you to go out and hang with him,you'd turn him down and tell him to leave,right? Oh please. I don't how many other forums you're a part of,but here,we take that kind of trash out to the garbage. You know you'd be on this dude in a second if given the chance,right? Be honest. Well, if the answer is yes,then what he's doing is working. Despite you being angry? Yes. Despite you being fed up? Yes. Despite all the times he's flaked,broken promises,got your hopes up and then dashed them to the ground? Yes,yes,and yes.

Why? Well,that's a loaded question. Way,waaay too much to get into at 3 in the morning.

I also haven't been doing a lot of 'complaining' I said I confronted him once or twice about not calling/texting when he said he would, but other than that I don't nag him. I just let him be. I give up, live my life, and sooner or later, he will call or text me.

Oh,so you've confronted him about his flakey behavior. Hmm. You know what I say to that? So. So what? Ok,so you've confronted him. Yeah,and? Did anything change? Did the problem get resolved? Of corse not. He said whatever it was he said to get out of that moment,then it was business as usual. You confronted him. Big deal.

I'm not trying to change him at all, it's not my place. However, I can and do choose to disassociate with people who don't have the courtesy and self-respect to honor their own word.

Uh yeah. You can choose to disassociate with people who don't honor their word....as long as you're not sexally attracted to them. If a guy turns you on,then it won't matter if he's honest,genuine,or not. He can lie all he wants to because to women,it doesn't matter. The only thing they care about is how they FEEL when they're in his presense. As long as they FEEL passion with a man,his character is obsolete.

So, if you go by what women DO as opposed to what they SAY, what am I doing wrong by allowing him space and not harping on the subject? It's irritating, but our friendship is new, and I don't want to push him away with judgments and so forth.

Wait a minute....how old are you again? You CANNOT be this naive. Wow,you really are new here. I think you need to read up on some of the DJ bible. If this comment of yours is serious,then there's no point in trying to explain anything to you concerning the "go by what women do,not what they say" remark I made.
It'll just fly right over your head.

Please tell me where this precious description of what I am like is, so I can understand myself. Geez I'm just so glad you pointed all of this out for me. [

Ok,you asked for it. Here,check out this thread. It's from a woman who used to post here a few months ago. You are somewhat like her,but she was MUCH,MUCH worse off than you. All the gang is there trying to some sense into her. I hate hearing the end of a movie before I get a chance to see it. Spoils the ending. Therefore,I won't tell you what all went on with this girl,you can read it for yourself.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

WOW. I am SO glad you posted that thread! Okay, even *I* can see what was going on with this chic... 3 F****** years???? She never really seemed to accept responsibility for her own happiness and her own abilities to change her so-called 'emotionally abusive' situation! Of course, she *said* whatever she needed to to validate her side of the story.

I am so glad I'm not that bad, but I can see what you were talking about now.

I don't have much time to reply in-depth now, (ha ha just got a call from my sister to go pick up her dumb dog), but I will be replying with more when I get back.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR POSTING THAT THREAD!!!! :cheer:

 

[horaholic]

Im reminded of something funny my buddy (R.I.P.)used say: "Damn dude, I've had such a shytty day, if I was a chick, I'd go bang five dudes tonight."

The fact that you haven't gone out and banged other dudes when this guy is fvcking with you just shows that he has hooked you by being aloof. And to think I accused him of being a virgin. Maybe he's actually on this board, laughing his ass off right now, while getting his knob polished by a stripper! Just kidding, if he was a dj, he'd have already banged her.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

The fact that you haven't gone out and banged other dudes when this guy is fvcking with you just shows that he has hooked you by being aloof.

Actually... the less I talk to him, the less interest I have in talking to him. (Igetit - this is what I was talking about regarding what works... I wouldn't think he's doing a very good job if I lose interest and stop talking to him...) At first it made me wonder... "Why didn't he call?" but after awhile it was like, "He won't call, so I CAN go out and make other plans." Pretty bad huh? It gets old, and after a while it doesn't really bother me. Just move on to someone who will, right? No need to compromise my happiness.

On the other hand, it is possible HE lost interest because I did not have sex with him. (By the time I made up my mind to do so, there weren't anymore opportunities). I wonder if that was a subconscious desision...

And to think I accused him of being a virgin.

I did mention once or twice that he was more experienced than me, sexually.

Maybe he's actually on this board, laughing his ass off right now, while getting his knob polished by a stripper! Just kidding, if he was a dj, he'd have already banged her.

LOL I'm amused by this comment, because I'd wondered the same thing, jokingly, of course.

So, I've come to understand that I'm a female AFC... LOL I'll be doing my homework, and let's see if we can change that. My biggest issue will be getting over the ASD.

Then maybe I'll become "Don Juanita" LMAO

 

[SamePendo]

My biggest issue will be getting over the ASD.

Again. I can help you with that. Where are you from?

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

Anyway, you've got it easy! Just keep nice and slim, wear the skimpiest pink outfit you have and flutter your eyelashes. Haha, every male in the vincinity will be like moths to the flame. I wish I could get 1000 girls trying to jump my bones just by fluttering my eyelashes and showing some leg

LOL LOL That's a weird mental image...LOL

You would think that (I've got it easy)...but attracting a guy with a great personality and common interests takes more than good looks.

 

[pua1989]

yea cuz ur a fvckin slooter

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

yea cuz ur a fvckin slooter

I assume "slooter" isn't a nice thing to say?

 

[Kevin Feng]

I haven't met the guy and I haven't met you and I don't want you to take this totally personally as some sort of attack, just trying to be realistic with you. I'm 22 myself and I am a relationship type guy but I can confidently say that most of my friends are not looking to be in long term relationships.

I'm guessing at this point, you're looking for something more marriage or long term material. I think the age thing does make a huge difference, again not trying to be mean, but I just want to make you aware of that.

Anyway, I'm not trying to get you all bummed out, there are plenty of things you can do to "game" him.

He's 22 and in the peak of his sexuality, perhaps he's a little shy and you intimidate him a little because you're older. You may need to take the lead on this one, or perhaps just refer him to the forum, lol.

He's probably not as sexually experienced as you which is a good thing, here's your chance to really knock his socks off.

Bottom line, sex alone isn't going to win him over, though it does help a lot, it just comes down to the basics: relating to him, caring about him, etc etc.

-Kevin

 

[legolas]

The feminine insight on this post is pretty interesting. I find it interesting that women get frustrated because they can't (and think they shouldn't) take the wheel and drive the relationship. It should speak volumes about the necessity for us as men to be in the driver seat and move the relationship where we want it.

Plaything, the only thing you can do is to take direction and drive this relationship where you want it since it looks like he's not going to do that any time soon.

 

[legolas]

Plaything I forgot to ask you something. You mentioned being shy. I don't want to get too deep into this, but what is your biggest frustration and/or fear with that? On my reply I made the assumption that you'd have no issue taking the lead. Now I'm questioning that assumption. Is there an issue there?

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

I haven't met the guy and I haven't met you and I don't want you to take this totally personally as some sort of attack, just trying to be realistic with you. I'm 22 myself and I am a relationship type guy but I can confidently say that most of my friends are not looking to be in long term relationships.

I'm guessing at this point, you're looking for something more marriage or long term material. I think the age thing does make a huge difference, again not trying to be mean, but I just want to make you aware of that.

Anyway, I'm not trying to get you all bummed out, there are plenty of things you can do to "game" him.

He's 22 and in the peak of his sexuality, perhaps he's a little shy and you intimidate him a little because you're older. You may need to take the lead on this one, or perhaps just refer him to the forum, lol.

He's probably not as sexually experienced as you which is a good thing, here's your chance to really knock his socks off.

Bottom line, sex alone isn't going to win him over, though it does help a lot, it just comes down to the basics: relating to him, caring about him, etc etc.

-Kevin

Kevin, thanks for your post. I'm not bummed out at all... it would just seem as though his interest and my interest has fizzled out. I haven't heard from him since that last phone call. I assume he would have lost interest in me because I didn't have sex with him, and I lost interest in him because of his tendency to be inconsistent about contacting me when he says he will.

When we do get together, (and the last time I saw him was March 30th because he entered Job Corps), we have unusually deep conversation and connections to one another... which made him extremely special to me.

However, that cannot make up for his inconsistency. Whatever the excuse is, there is no need to say you will call, or make plans with someone if you don't plan on following through. It's not like I'm breaking his arm to make plans at all. I'm a pretty chill and patient person, but not to the degree that I will withstand this kind of treatment for very long.

The feminine insight on this post is pretty interesting. I find it interesting that women get frustrated because they can't (and think they shouldn't) take the wheel and drive the relationship. It should speak volumes about the necessity for us as men to be in the driver seat and move the relationship where we want it.

Plaything, the only thing you can do is to take direction and drive this relationship where you want it since it looks like he's not going to do that any time soon.

Legolas, I actually HAVE tried to steer our relationship towards a less-friend type place. I often initiated sexual discussions, and made it quite clear to him that I'm very much interested in a relationship, and yes, sex, with him. (But the sex thing I did tell him I was waiting for the 'right time' and place, which I understand is a big no-no to most of the men on this forum). I'm just not going to do anything unless I'm comfortable with it. By the time I got comfortable with the idea, I fear his interest was already gone.

Plaything I forgot to ask you something. You mentioned being shy. I don't want to get too deep into this, but what is your biggest frustration and/or fear with that? On my reply I made the assumption that you'd have no issue taking the lead. Now I'm questioning that assumption. Is there an issue there?

Yes, I actually am quite shy, which made telling him my feelings quite difficult. So I did so, through text messages and an e-mail. However, I am lucky that I was well-received and handled, even though a relationship might not have been what he was looking for. (I had also been confused because he initially started with the IOI's, so I thought that was what he was looking for). It's a free world and he is definitely free to change his mind.

Obviously my biggest fear with being shy, was obviously that I was feeling vulnerable, (as any shy person having feelings for another might), and my biggest frustration was overcoming those fears enough to tell him how I felt... only to have his interest seemingly fizzle.

I am not sure what went wrong here, but I am willing to learn.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

I've dealt a number of times with women who operate under plaything's modus operandi. They are all the same; she looks for damaged goods to match her own damaged or "tortured" existance. It probably spills over into other areas of her life in "tortured" artistic expression, menial career path or taking in wayward animals "that no one else will love." She despises perfection and finds comfort in flaws and failings.

I wouldn't say I necessarily "look" for these types, but there is no doubt my life has been full of them. I find it strange and interesting how I am attracted to, and am attractive to, these types. I definitely wouldn't say I'm "tortured" at all!

...of her man -who then is by now driven to relapse or prison...

I think that's a completely unfair statement. If I am subconsciously attracted to 'damaged' types, their actions and behaviors are completely THEIR responsibility, (and also something they are likely predisposed to, prior to meeting me). You cannot reasonably blame another for your own actions. That's ridiculous.

she suddenly finds Jesus and looks for a "good" guy. But when she finds the "nice" guy, she is always disappointed because her sudden desire to withhold sex to prove she's an equal "good girl" is incongruent with her evolutionary path to quickly spread her legs for the men on the "fringe."

Okay, Jesus has nothing to do with this, (LOL) and I hadn't been looking for anyone, actually, when S*** came into my life. I have always withheld sex in the the beginnings of my relationships, because I thought it would prevent me from being 'used'. So far, so good... I've only had sex with those I have been in long term relationships with.

She is hurt from her attempted journey into the mainstream and runs back to her comfort zone, spreading her legs for felons, thugs and players. Not because this is what she wants, but because this is what she needs.

I am working hard on not returning to my comfort zone, although I completely understand where you're going here. Returning to my ex, or getting involved with someone before I have complete mental wellness and self-appreciation could be detrimental to my progress.

There is no doubt I could not make this transition on my own, that's why I am actively involved in recovering. It took me awhile to find the right organization to recover with, though, because most were bent on labeling me as a victim, and I'm not.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

Burned!

So, my love interest now has a girlfriend!? Ouch! (At first I was kinda hoping he was talking about his dog... he has one named... Girlfriend). But I'm thinking not...

I caved and texted him after almost two weeks of not talking...

ME: Hey Turd, what r u up 2?

HIM: Hey you, I'm just chillin' What you doing?

ME: Wondering y ur so gay lol I'm driving 2 work. I got my bike the other day. How have you been?

HIM: What! I'm not gay, LOL How did you get it back to your place?

ME: LoL keep tellin' yourself that.Jay Kay! I hired sum1 to fix it 4 me, so he came w/me 2 pick it up, & it's at his place. It was a b*tch to trailer!

HIM: LOL well Im not. An are you guys together now or what?

ME: LoL What u mean by that? LoL Ur such a nerd. But I luv ya so I'll let that slide! LOL How has Job Corps been treating u?

HIM: Well that's good? Luv you too. An it's going really good. I made morale leader 4 my dorm f yeah

ME: I'm proud of u! That's so awesome, Babe! I really miss our hikes and sleepovers lol u need 2 hurry up and get out of there.

HIM: No answer.

ME: Uh well I gotta go in now. I love having a job! LoL Oh did I tell you? I got my Doobie back! So happy (Doobie is a dog).

HIM: I'm just chillin' with my girlfriend

ME: O that's y u haven't texted me lol that's cool

(The gay jokes weren't meant to offend, it's a joke because he's always saying how gay everything is).


So, even though I thought I really didn't care, this kind of shocked and hurt me. I thought he liked me, and maybe he does, but right now it kind of sucks.

Oh well. I have a breakfast date in the morning with a guy I've casually known for a couple of months. We'll see how that goes. He's a few years older than me, but I've always kind of had a crush on him.

Oh, the new security guard at work complimented me on my "very nice @ss" and said I was "beautiful" and that if he were single, he'd "Holla" at me. LOL and he wasn't creepy about it, either. Kinda weird, he must have sensed I was upset or something. It kind of lifted my spirits, after receiving that text. He has a girlfriend, though, so I'm not going there. But it was nice. All of my hiking is starting to pay off.

Thoughts, anyone? Besides not having sex with S***, did I do anything else wrong to chase him away? Maybe it's just convienence... I think his gf is also in Job Corps, (and maybe she puts out...?). Kind of awkward now, because I'm storing a bunch of my things at his parents' house. Not quite sure how to handle this, except to sit back and live my life. Remain friends and see what happens.

 

[Igetit!]

Oh well. Sorry things didn't work out as you hoped. But,it's just like I said in one of my previous replies about how us guys are different from you. All the not being straight forward,flaking,and other little annoying things he did would have caused us to have nexted him a long time ago. If I were you,I'd be upset partly at him,but more at myself for having ignored that signs and signals from him,and wasting so much time. That's where guys and girls differ:you probably got something out of the constant back and forth,him saying one thing,then doing another,the flaking,and not being sure if he liked you or not. It stimulated your emotions,therefore you hung in there waiting for him. I bet that even if he were to call you now,you'd just get right back in there,hoping and waiting again. That's just how women are.

So hold your head up. Maybe he'll call you and promise to see you.....then flake again. It'll suck as far as a relationship is concerned,but at least you'll get your emotional charge.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

IGetIt - Oh, I am upset with myself, I didn't meet him for a relationship type thing... we met to be friends. He initiated the 'more than friends' talks and discussions not long after we met. He initiated the kissing and whatnot. I am just upset with myself for allowing myself to become so attached and I really felt like he strung me along with IOI's and such. (I mean, he could have just said, plain and simple, that he doesn't like me that way, or whatever).

YES, I did forgive him on more than one occasion and acknowledge my part in deserving this. Like they say, you teach people how to treat you. I was a little more accommodating than I should have been. I mean, even just to be friends, flaking like that isn't acceptable.

It's really not that big a deal to me. I'm not going to judge him. I really don't think he doesn't like me, but it kind of stung knowing I poured my heart out, and he comes with this out of the blue. (I am fighting off the "what is wrong with me?" thoughts, but I know there isn't anything wrong with me).

I'm sure glad I didn't sleep with him! LOL

As far as the 'emotional charge' well I wasn't very happy wondering whether he liked me or not, then having him say that he does but then only act like 'friends' when we hung out. I've never been treated like that before so I wasn't really sure how to react... part of the reason I found and started posting at this forum.

Now I know better. I don't foresee myself hanging out with him anytime soon between his being at Job Corps, and having a girlfriend, and me working, and having my life to worry about. That's okay, though. I am content to have my own life and let him have his. And if he wants to hang out again sometime... well, we'll have to see about that. I'd be real tempted to stand him up, but I know I wouldn't want to stoop to his level.

edit: Why on Earth would I even consider this? Seriously, is there something wrong with me? I need to get my things from his parents' house and be done with him!

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

Hey Plaything, you're being silly. Look, you said you are hanging out with Doobie (or whatever) your dog, and then he said he's chillin' with his girlfriend (his dog). I mean really? Did you post that because you feel insecure and wanted confirmation that he was talking about the dog? Lool, it's pretty obvious

I actually thought at first that he was talking about his dog. But his dog is at home. I started to text him back asking him how he had Girlfriend at Job Corps... then I realized he meant A girlfriend. (Good thing that clicked before I sent the text). I'm really not dense... we met solely through and for our love of our dogs.

Oh well. His loss.

I post-poned my breakfast date with the other friend of mine. I was so tired when I got off work, so we're going to do lunch instead. Let ya'll know how it goes.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

Haha I know what you mean. I'm honestly fine. I've got so much more going on in my life... well a 22 year old might just be more trouble then he's worth... LOL JK I'm just going to keep on keeping on... sooner or later things will fall into place for me when the time is right.

I'm going to see his mom tomorrow... she wants a social call, I just want to get my stuff out of there! LOL It would be kind of awkward for him I imagine if he and his girlfriend ever went to his parents house and my things are all over the place! Besides, getting my stuff back will make it so much easier to make a clean break.

I still am feeling a little hurt because of the deep attachment I had for him, but I figure if he's happier with her, then I am sincerely happy for him. I just wish I kept myself in check instead of allowing myself to become vulnerable. Lesson learned... the hard way!