Need Advice!!!

RobLB

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It has been almost a year since I have been on this forum but now I need some help once again.

I am 41 years old and was married for 8 years and have been single now for 3 years. I have had my share of relation(sh1ts) in these last 3 years some I have seeked answers here before.

Well after my last girlfriend of 8 months I swore I would never fall in the "love" triangle again and keep the plate spinning tactic going. Everything was great, my self confidence was at a peak and I was dating and having a blast! Then I kinda start seeing this chick, who is 29, that I had actually known for a couple of years but was married. We actually started fooling around at the begining of her divorce, which I felt bad doing cause I had been in that same situation. She also has two kids.

The deal is, is that I explained to her that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend and that I did not want to get involved with anybody. One thing to point out to is that she cheated on her husband that last year they were together so I always had that statement "once a cheater always a cheater" in the back of my mind. Well months went by and the I slowly started to have more and more feelings for her. We have been going out now a little over a year and I have fallin in love with her and we are engaged.

Well the other night she comes over to my house, I cook dinner for her and she says she needs to leave and take her daughter home cause it was getting late and that she did not feel good. So I say goodnight and we tell each other how much we love each other and she leaves. Well I go and give my little girl a bath and after I see where she has tried to call me and she sends me a text saying she does not feel well at all. So I try and call her back and she doesnt answer the phone. 30 minutes go by and I still hear nothing from her. So I get some stomach medicine and head over to her house, cause she only lives 3 miles away, to check on her. Well i get to her house and her ex husband's truck is parked in the drive way. I get out and knock on the door, no answer. I go around back and dont see anybody in the house. So,.... I go to the bedroom window and look in and I see her ex laying behind her on the bed in the ole "spoon" position, kissing her on the head and rubbing on her while she's watching tv!! Both her kids are on the end of the bed playing and it's dark in the room. I could'nt believe what i saw!! I repeatedly tried to call her and banged on the door and she never answered. So i went home and freaked out for several hours until she called. She told me that he came over to take care of her cause she was sick and that she didnt come to the door cause he wanted to kick my ass for upseting the kids!!
So 2 days later I go over to her house to end it. She starts balling and crying saying that she doesnt have feelings for him and she doesnt want to lose me. I tell her my trust i had for was gone and if it was going to work out it would take a while for me to regain it.

My question is do I just end this or try and work things out with her?? Sorry for the long post and spelling but it's late at night and we've been on the phone all night and she's crying her heart out to me and I just don't know what to do.
 

KarmaSutra

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RobLB said:
Well the other night she comes over to my house, I cook dinner for her and she says she needs to leave and take her daughter home cause it was getting late and that she did not feel good. So I say goodnight and we tell each other how much we love each other and she leaves.
For this, and this alone, you deserve your punishment. Marry the b!tch. :cry:
 

lookyoung

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Your a 41 year old man, you should know better. If you marry this b1tch she will make your life a living hell. There are plenty of other girls out there. Get out there and spin some fvcking plates.

Once a cheater always a cheater. My feeling is that if a girl cheats on a man and he decides to take her back, no matter how much she cries and how much she loves you she will do it again. SUBCONCIOUSLY SHE WILL LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU AFTER YOU TAKE HER BACK.

Cures for being cheated on are:
1. Pick up a new hobby.
2. Spend more time at the gym.
3. Tap some azz.


If you marry this b1tch and when she fvcks your best friend don't say I didn't worn you.
 

##17

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RobLB said:
It has been almost a year since I have been on this forum but now I need some help once again.

I am 41 years old and was married for 8 years and have been single now for 3 years. I have had my share of relation(sh1ts) in these last 3 years some I have seeked answers here before.

Well after my last girlfriend of 8 months I swore I would never fall in the "love" triangle again and keep the plate spinning tactic going. Everything was great, my self confidence was at a peak and I was dating and having a blast! Then I kinda start seeing this chick, who is 29, that I had actually known for a couple of years but was married. We actually started fooling around at the begining of her divorce, which I felt bad doing cause I had been in that same situation. She also has two kids.

The deal is, is that I explained to her that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend and that I did not want to get involved with anybody. One thing to point out to is that she cheated on her husband that last year they were together so I always had that statement "once a cheater always a cheater" in the back of my mind. Well months went by and the I slowly started to have more and more feelings for her. We have been going out now a little over a year and I have fallin in love with her and we are engaged.

Well the other night she comes over to my house, I cook dinner for her and she says she needs to leave and take her daughter home cause it was getting late and that she did not feel good. So I say goodnight and we tell each other how much we love each other and she leaves. Well I go and give my little girl a bath and after I see where she has tried to call me and she sends me a text saying she does not feel well at all. So I try and call her back and she doesnt answer the phone. 30 minutes go by and I still hear nothing from her. So I get some stomach medicine and head over to her house, cause she only lives 3 miles away, to check on her. Well i get to her house and her ex husband's truck is parked in the drive way. I get out and knock on the door, no answer. I go around back and dont see anybody in the house. So,.... I go to the bedroom window and look in and I see her ex laying behind her on the bed in the ole "spoon" position, kissing her on the head and rubbing on her while she's watching tv!! Both her kids are on the end of the bed playing and it's dark in the room. I could'nt believe what i saw!! I repeatedly tried to call her and banged on the door and she never answered. So i went home and freaked out for several hours until she called. She told me that he came over to take care of her cause she was sick and that she didnt come to the door cause he wanted to kick my ass for upseting the kids!!
So 2 days later I go over to her house to end it. She starts balling and crying saying that she doesnt have feelings for him and she doesnt want to lose me. I tell her my trust i had for was gone and if it was going to work out it would take a while for me to regain it.

My question is do I just end this or try and work things out with her?? Sorry for the long post and spelling but it's late at night and we've been on the phone all night and she's crying her heart out to me and I just don't know what to do.

You can't trust her now. When will you ever be able to trust her? If she can't/won't not cheat on you when you're engaged (and her feelings for you are at a peak), what's going to happen 5 or 6 years into marriage?


End it.
 

decades

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you have a bad "picker". you found yourself a liar a cheat and a person who you can't trust. You are a rescuer. get out of this before you get stuck again. then go back to square one and make a plan to figure out why you keep choosing these damaged women who need rescuing. she is using you because she found a chump who hasn't figured "her" out yet. End it and don't let her off the hook because your rescuing tendencies feel sorry for her. She is playing you. Don't fall for her woe is me ACT. Don't fall for the Crocodile tears. Get some courage and do what needs to be done and tell her its 100% over, then go 100% no contact. Don't be her chump any more. Don't be "triangulated" ever again. It's a sign that you've been had. take time to figure out why you keep "falling for" and then "loving" damaged needy women you can't trust. Work on fixing your "picker".
 
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grinder

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Yeah, this is an easy one; to dump on the b*tch, next her and move on.

But...

The hard part is realizing its not her fault. Hum?

She's being exactly the same person she was from the beginning. The same person she will continue to be. She can't not be anything else.

So don't get mad at her for being what she is.

Until you get the issues handled that have you choosing low quality women, and accepting them, falling “in love” with them; You will keep choosing low quality women.

That's the real b*tch.
 

Latinoman

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I agree with the others.

She is also a low Quality mother. Confusing her children by telling her fiance that she loves him and then letting their dad spoon her. Disgusting behavior.

Dump her and stop 100% communication.
 

RobLB

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I knew the answer to this,... I guess I just needed to hear it. This is why I hate relationships. Somebody always gets hurt. Ths Sh1ty part about this is that I live in a small town so I will always run into this girl!

Thanks for all your reply's....
 

squirrels

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She's in bed with her ex. That's all that needs to be said.

Sorry, man. **** happens I guess.

I know it's hard to find at your age, but be careful about women with kids. The father can't really be GONE from their life, usually, so you really should've been paying more attention to that dynamic.
 

Rollo Tomassi

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Before I throw my hat in the ring here, let me get some more info on all of this.

What do you do for a living?
What does her ex do for a living?
Is she employed herself?
You say she's 29 with 2 kids, how old is the oldest kid?
Is this ex (the one she cheated on) her first husband and is he the father of her children?
Did she cheat on her ex with you or someone else (or both)?
How long has she been divorced from her ex and how long were they married?
You mentioned having several relation(sh!ts) in the 3 year interim from your own divorce to now, how did those end and why were they relationsh!ts?
How did your own 8 year marriage end?

My gut feeling is you've fallen in with a "career mommy" with this girl and the fact that she's 12 years your junior is blinding you to the obvious. You need to realistically assess what's lead up to this point and why you and she are in this as it is.
 

Sinistar

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RobLB said:
I knew the answer to this,... I guess I just needed to hear it. This is why I hate relationships. Somebody always gets hurt. Ths Sh1ty part about this is that I live in a small town so I will always run into this girl!

Thanks for all your reply's....
...the real question here isn't what you should do, it's whether or not you'll do it?

BTW, there's more to persistent's post that you may noticed on your first read. His posts are always spot-on (IMO). Once you've got some distance between you and her, come back and re-read what he wrote and let it sink in.
 

Bonhomme

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It appears you know what you have to do, RobLB: go back to doing what was working.
 

joekerr31

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wow. the fact that you even have to ask what to do in this scenario is troubling.

you also need to rethink your definition of love. personally i think you think of love in the traditional codependent fashion. which is why you are so blind to a womans faults and so easily hurt by them.

love does not absolve you of your own personal responsibility to take care of YOU.

love does not mean that you bind your happiness and self worth up with some other person. at best it means a state of mutual, mature, respectful support of each other.

personally i think the ones who treat love like its a drug are people who aren't happy with themselves and desperately want to LOSE themselves in someone else, and in doing so 'take away' their suffering. then when that person screws them its a double whammy, not only do they get screwed over by someone they trusted, but all their personal issues come crashing back in on them.

i continue to hold to the belief that if you become a WHOLE person first then NOTHING in this world can ever 'hurt' you. it can inconvenience you, but hurt you? never!

if you are the prize then anyone who screws you over is actually screwing themselves over because they are losing 'the prize'.

but oh well, 80% of guys will never understand this. and the 20% who do, 99% of them will never live it.

and so the drama of male female relationships continues on. :)
 

RobLB

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Rollo Tomassi said:
Before I throw my hat in the ring here, let me get some more info on all of this.

What do you do for a living?
What does her ex do for a living?
Is she employed herself?
You say she's 29 with 2 kids, how old is the oldest kid?
Is this ex (the one she cheated on) her first husband and is he the father of her children?
Did she cheat on her ex with you or someone else (or both)?
How long has she been divorced from her ex and how long were they married?
You mentioned having several relation(sh!ts) in the 3 year interim from your own divorce to now, how did those end and why were they relationsh!ts?
How did your own 8 year marriage end?

My gut feeling is you've fallen in with a "career mommy" with this girl and the fact that she's 12 years your junior is blinding you to the obvious. You need to realistically assess what's lead up to this point and why you and she are in this as it is.
Hmmm...well lets see.

I own my own business so I do fairly well for this part of the country. I have a new BMW and just bought a new house as well.

Her ex works for a good friend of mine at a music store. I forgot to mention I have known her ex for about 10 years. (small town)

She cuts hair and does fairly well with it.

Her kids are 4 and 8 and mine is 6. And yes her kids are from different fathers. The one she messed around with is her latest ex the father of the youngest.

She did cheat on her last ex but their relationship was already going south and she was doin it to get even cause he supposedly cheated on her. I started messin around with her while she was going through her divorce.

They were married 4 years.

And yes I had a bad relationsh!t right after my marriage. That story is here: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=780654#post780654

After this disaster I had a short 3 month fling with some drama chick and after that fizzled I started to get my life back together and was actually the happiest I've been in a long time! I was single, dating diffferent chicks and I would always be totaly honest to them and tell them I was happy BY MYSELF! Of course a part of me still wanted a family. I don't wanna be single when I'm 60 years old!
This girl just hung with me. She told me that she had liked me for a long time cause her and my sister were good friends so I would see her all the time but she was married so I didnt mess with her. (small town) It took me the longest time before i could even tell her that i cared about her. Of course I'm probably going to get flamed for this but the sex,..well it is unbelievable. I've dated alot of girls and I know deep down this girl is a good person. Her brother also passed away last year in a horrible motorcycle accident as well,... along with her divorce so maybe I felt sorry for her,..hell i dont know. My heart is bigger than my head sometimes and I think thats what gets me into this cr ap all the time.

Thanks again for your insight!
 

RobLB

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joekerr31 said:
personally i think the ones who treat love like its a drug are people who aren't happy with themselves and desperately want to LOSE themselves in someone else, and in doing so 'take away' their suffering. then when that person screws them its a double whammy, not only do they get screwed over by someone they trusted, but all their personal issues come crashing back in on them.
I agree to this...

I repeatedly told her this when we first started seeing each other. I begged her to be on her own and be happy with HERSELF not somebody else. I even had her reading my favorite book, "In the Meantime" and she said she couldn't finish it cause she didn't believe in it. She went from one marriage directly into another marriage and then into me. I know I'm as much to blame as her. I broke down and gave into her which I swore would never do.
 

Latinoman

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No one is saying she is a bad person. I am sure she abides by the law, etc. However...she is a cheater. Look at my thread that talks about math for "quality" women you want to consider for marriage.

I'm a very good man and friend. A great father and lover. But at this stage of my life I am a not so great ltr type of man. Certaintly, could not be a great husband. Why? Because I like DIFFERENT puz-zy. Does that make me a bad man? Nope. Would that make me a no so perfect husband? Yep.

By the way...she is probably having sex with him.

Dump her and stop 100% contact with her. If you have no choice, then deal with her the same way you would deal with a boss or judge.
 

Vulpine

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Marry
Have kid
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" ex
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" first ex
"mess with" second ex
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" first ex
"mess with" second ex
"mess with" third ex
Get divorce
Get half

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

:crazy:

Yeah, sign me up for the next person in line for that action! Man, I can't wait to see how great the sex is!

You were ENGAGED to this wh0re? WTF? Why don't you just stuff a few hornet's nests down your pants while you're at it?
:kick:
 

joekerr31

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RobLB said:
I agree to this...

I repeatedly told her this when we first started seeing each other. I begged her to be on her own and be happy with HERSELF not somebody else. I even had her reading my favorite book, "In the Meantime" and she said she couldn't finish it cause she didn't believe in it. She went from one marriage directly into another marriage and then into me. I know I'm as much to blame as her. I broke down and gave into her which I swore would never do.

its not about "blame". she's doing what she knows how to do. and as long as she has a guy willing to put up with her, she has no reason to change what so ever. there are LOTS of women who have ZERO desire to mature / evolve / change because all that matters to them is having a man and they know they can get a man any time they want by simply spreading their legs.

whether that is right or wrong, that's how she's living.

you on the other hand KNOW the danger signs and in this scenario choose to ignore them. so any suffering you are goign through right now is of your own doing, because you listened to your little head and not your big head.

you're deluding yourself by thinking that somehow just being with you will change her. it wont.
 

joekerr31

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:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: too funny!

Vulpine said:
Marry
Have kid
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" ex
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" first ex
"mess with" second ex
Get divorce
Get half

"mess with" someone else
Marry
Have kid
"mess with" first ex
"mess with" second ex
"mess with" third ex
Get divorce
Get half

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

:crazy:
 

Vulpine

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RT just tipped me off to the pattern.

Rollo Tomassi said:
My gut feeling is you've fallen in with a "career mommy" with this girl and the fact that she's 12 years your junior is blinding you to the obvious. You need to realistically assess what's lead up to this point and why you and she are in this as it is.
The cycle is stupid-obvious.

Our man Rob needs to better qualify his women. Small town or no, there is no value in a single mother with two kids of two different fathers. No matter how good the sex is, it doesn't erase the fuxups.

Lets see, this chick is a...

*counting on fingers*

...uh...

*counting on toes*

...uh, off the top of my head, I come up with 14 major fuxups.

first marriage
first kid
first divorce
first divorce effect on kid #1
second marriage
second kid
second divorce
second divorce counts twice because she didn't (or did) learn from the first
second divorce effect on kid #1
second divorce effect on kid #1 (didn't learn from first divorce)
second divorce effect on kid #2
second divorce effect on kid #2 (didn't learn from first divorce)
single mother
had ex in her bed with her

This chick is like a ride-sharing program.

RobLB...

move or travel if the pickin's are that slim, man, seriously.
 
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