My journey out of the Matrix.

[romangod]

Greetings my Mature Men. I seek your advice, good words and your prayers. A little history first…………….


In August of last year I suffered a brain aneurysm. It would have killed me if I didn’t react quickly enough and ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks but made a miraculous physical recovery by the grace of God. My friends and family are amazed and see a change in me that is viewed as inspirational, positive and hopeful. They say I’ve never looked better and I agree. I’m eating healthily, go to the gym, go for walks and keep busier than I ever have.

Spiritually, I’m coming to terms with my creator and am less judgemental; more open and show my love freely to my friends and family. I’m still trying to learn patience, which is a challenge I must over come.

However, there is a dark cloud that hangs over my head. My soul is restless and I have hidden issues I need to deal with. I’m not depressed or over-anxious but need some answers to some nagging questions.

Will this get better?

How do I overcome my fears and new vulnerabilities?

I’m now out of the matrix completely. Part of this is due to the fact that my sex drive has disappeared and also I now believe in the bigger picture it really means nothing.

Any comments, advice and even questions about my journey would be appreciated. The people here have been a great inspiration on my road to recovery and I thank you with all my heart.



.

 

[KarmaSutra]

The first step to self actualization is realizing we know NO-thing. All we have to use as any kind of foresight is what we've gained from our experiences which, in the grand design is minimal at best.

Find what it takes to make you the best you you can be. That's the best you can ask of yourself.

Props to you for getting your perspective back. Women are such a miniscule part of our lives it's easy to get wrapped up in attention garnering bullsh!t.

 

[joekerr31]

look in to alan watts, you'll find a lot of the answers you are looking for i think.

(couple of youtube vids of short alan watts lecture clips - ive posted these before)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MVXEiYyZKcY

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BZskWRwlaqE&mode=related&search=

you must embrace the mystery that is life. the mystery can be a beautiful thing if you are not afraid of it.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Romangod,


Much respect to you, man. And thanks for wanting to not just be "a man", but wanting to be a GOOD MAN-----one who wants to have a more positive and uplifting effect on the people around you.

But what do you mean by "nagging" questions?

And what do you mean by "new" vulnerabilities?

Do you care to elaborate?



Also, if you'd rather not speak more candidly in this open forum, please feel free to Private Message me.



Peace...one day.

 

[Last Man Standing]

You are coming to the realization that the spiritual self is much greater than the physical self! Seek God as your solace and you will attain peace of mind!!

The physical self is limited and temporal but your soul is eternal - your efforts should be towards attaining the eternal.

And say "No" to hos!!!

And yeah, what are your fears? Vulnerabilities?

 

[cordoncordon]

That's great that you recovered! Honestly.

But I don't get this by the grace of God thing.

If God healed you, then why did he make you sick in the first place? A test? I think the doctors had a little more to do with it. I'm always amazed by the people who recover from an auto accident praise God for their recovery, and yet that same accident killed 3 others. What? They didn't pray enough?

Why has God never healed an amputee? Just grow a new arm? And yet God has "healed" millions of accident or cancer victims? Might have something to do with the fact that you can't quantify or really see cancer or the healing of an organ. But you can see if a new apendage grew or not. God doesn't heal anything. YOU DO! The DOCTORS DO! The only way human kind will everf be able to grow a new arm is through genetic and stem cell research, not some "miracle".

Think about it.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Cordon, you are correct, but this gave him a new spiritual awakening - outlook.

 

[cordoncordon]

Cordon, you are correct, but this gave him a new spiritual awakening - outlook.

I just think he should give more credit to himself and the doctors for his getting better rather than some old guy with a robe and beard up there in the sky. The whole thing is just preposterous.

Not saying there is some greater force behind our existence, I do believe that, but man's made up delusion of what "God" is just makes me chuckle.

 

[romangod]

Thanks guys for your thoughtful and caring posts.


As for the "God" thing, this part is without question in my mind and in my heart. God is now a bigger presence in my life and I choose to put my faith in him. I'm not preachy about it but I do acknowledge him in my life. I've pursued the God angle intelectually and realize that one cannot know God through the intellect. When you believe in him you will see him. Some of you may understand what I mean and others will discount it with an arrogance or superiority that will be challenged one day.

When my friends and family tell me how hard they prayed for my recovery I can not discount a higher power. Actually, to believe in a higher power is very liberating. Especially from the Matrix.

As to my fears and vulnerabilites: I have'nt actually pinpointed what they are. It might be the fear of death, it might be the fear of not being able to love. Who knows? One thing I do know is that I'm more compassionate and caring to other people where I was quite selfish before. When I discuss this with friends and family they say they never saw me as selfish. In many ways I wasn't but in many ways I was a very selfish man. Never again.

An interesting side effect is that I have no desire for cheap sex without meaning. Previously, my pursuits were purely sexual and for self pleasure. I realize now how empty and unsatisfying those pursuits were. If anything, they held me back from real relationships and blocked my journey of self-awareness.


VU hit the nail on the head. I don't want to just be a man. I want to be a good man that leaves a legacy of hope, compassion, goodness and most of all, love. I believe I was already on that path before this happened to me but this was the final push that forced me to take the bull by the horns and move to a different level.

They had it right when they say "God is love". There is nothing sadder than one who cannot love or one who is not loved. More love in our lives will save us all and cherish it when you find it.

I hope I'm not being too preachy but this is what I believe to be the truth.


You guys here are great and I can honestly say I do care about you. My vision was screwed up and they took away my licence and this site has been so helpful at the times when I'm stuck at home with time to spare. It has provided many educational moments. Thanks.


Any questions?

 

[romangod]

Yo Romangod,


.

But what do you mean by "nagging" questions?

And what do you mean by "new" vulnerabilities?

Do you care to elaborate?





Peace...one day.

I guess it's not so much "nagging" questions. It's just that everything is different and new. It changes you and the challenge is to put it in perspective. The so called "big picture". I think the key for me is the virtue of patience. That is one of my stumbling blocks because I am impatient in coming to terms with the Pandora's Box that has opened. I have to practise patience to know things will get better and I'll have put everything in its proper perspective. I'm seeing progress but I just have to be patient.

As for the new vulnerabilities: I'm more sensitive and aware of things around me. In the long run I think that is a good thing. Previously, I was quite stoic but my stoicism has been replaced with deeper feelings and harder questions. I realize now that being stoic was just a defense mechanism.

I'm also more aware of my physical health. No more junk food and lots of vitamins and supplements. As I get out on some of my ventures with my friends I see a lot of unhealthy people and can't help but think they are accidents waiting to happen. I never thought this way before.

I was a lot more anxious a few months ago and my doctor recommended Zoloft. I decided not to take it and to try and overcome this on my own. I think I'm getting better every day. I think I made the right choice.

 

[romangod]

Cordon, you are correct, but this gave him a new spiritual awakening - outlook.

Bingo! :yes:

 

[Socialreject]

Another philosopher is born...

Becoming fully aware of ones own mortality, and frailty can be a very learning experience indeed.

Best of luck to you!

 

[romangod]

Another philosopher is born...

Becoming fully aware of ones own mortality, and frailty can be a very learning experience indeed.

Best of luck to you!

Thank you.

 

[LoneSilver]

I am glad to hear of your recovery RomanGod but saddened to hear about your sight. Is there any hope of recovering you sight?


LoneSilver

 

[romangod]

look in to alan watts, you'll find a lot of the answers you are looking for i think.

(couple of youtube vids of short alan watts lecture clips - ive posted these before)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MVXEiYyZKcY

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BZskWRwlaqE&mode=related&search=

you must embrace the mystery that is life. the mystery can be a beautiful thing if you are not afraid of it.

Excellent videos! I just gave them a look and they were very inspiring. Thanks.

 

[romangod]

I am glad to hear of your recovery RomanGod but saddened to hear about your sight. Is there any hope of recovering you sight?


LoneSilver

Thanks for your concern, LoneSilver. My sight is getting better. When I first got out of the hospital I was seeing double and had to wear an eye patch. My eye doctor said it was because of the connection between my left eye and my brain and that it should recover. Its getting better now but still not where it should be. They say it could take up to a year but I'm hopeful that it will be less, I'm seeing better now and I've got new glasses that I'm not used to wearing yet. Thanks again for your concern. Cheers!

 

[romangod]

A little update with the need to vent:

I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday and it was a total waste of time. He said I'm mildly depressed and that I don't need another appointment. I don't consider myself depressed and it didn't provide any answers. As I waited in the waiting room, I saw some really messed up people and couldn't wait to get out of there.

Four weeks ago I got medical clearance to drive again and went through a messed up system to let the ministry know. The local office supposedly faxed my medical and they said it should take 5-8 weeks. Today I called the toll-free number for an update and they said they've never received it. I hit the roof. I called my MPP (Member of Provincial Parliament) to take care of it so I don't lose the 4 weeks I've already waited. I'll be visiting his office this afternoon to twist their arms. Luckily, my sister will drive me.

The frustrations of an unorganized bureaucracy is testing my limits and patience.

 

[bornyesterday]

In your case it's not sufficient to go to a psychiatrist. Those people usually don't know anything besides giving medicine to every patient and symptomtreatment to patients with really bad mental illnesses of biological origin (like schizofrenia).

A psychotherapist is the way to go. They provide lots of different treatment options. There should be licenced therapists who are at least somewhat specialized in your type of problem.
I don't know how the medical system works in the usa but here I can get 15 treatments for free at the communal mental health centre. So at least for me it doesn't hurt to try.

 

[The Bat]

bornyesterday is right. Don't see a psychiatrist. Truth be told, they are not really trained to "shrink" you. They are only trained to medically treat psychologically disturbed patients such as schizophrenics. Obviously, you are not a psychologically disturbed patient.

From what you've been typing, it doesn't sound like you need to see a shrink. Is somebody forcing you to see a shrink or is this your choice you mentioned somewhere that I accidentally glanced over?

 

[romangod]

Thanks, guys. Nobody forced me to see the shrink. My family doctor made the appointment over a month ago when I was a little more anxious and confused. I decided to go just for educational purposes. It is covered under our health care plan so it didn't cost me anything. Psychologists are a different story. If I want to see one I'd have to pay out of pocket. I don't see a need for it as I am getting better every day and have a great support system of family and friends when I need them. I plan on conquering this new chapter in my life with hope, faith and love. It seems to be working. Thanks for your input and support. Cheers!