Most chaotic, confusing, intense and "hot and cold" dating relationship I've ever had

[Korrupt]

First date.. Awesome. Definite connection. Drinking, dancing, making out, sexual touching, ect.. Acts like she wants to have sex but "won't let herself" do it on a first date. Honestly, maybe even one of the best and most fun/exciting dates I've ever been on.

Second date.. Again, awesome, until it got to the point where we were about to f*ck but the alcohol got to me and it just wasn't happening.

*intermission of her blowing me off, then ignoring me, then eventually getting back to me and asking me to hang out again, leading to the third date*

Third date.. Extremely confusing!

I acted like a d!ck the first part of the date. Just wasn't feeling the same connection with her that I did on the first two dates, like something was off. Maybe I was pissed at her for what I thought was her playing games.. At one of the bars we went to, we seriously must have looked like a couple having emotional problems. Yeah, it was BAD.. I almost felt like I despised her and it got to the point where she was asking me if I wanted to go back to my car and go home. And for some reason she kept emphasizing how we're "friends" during the first part of the date, which she hadn't done before. Buuut when I think of "friends" I don't usually think of passionate make-out sessions, d!ck/p*ssy rubbing and having almost had sex the previous hangout (alcohol IS the devil).

I told myself I wanted it to be a good night, so I chugged my drink, we kissed, and I started to feel that spark come back. We danced at another place for a while, then went to a 24 hour diner. Everything was fun, light-hearted and sexual, until the night was over and she was driving me back to my car.. Don't even know what happened exactly, but she started saying all this sh!t like.. (just some of it that I remember, I obviously can't remember or type up EVERYTHING)

"I didn't pursue you"
"I'm not hard pressed for companionship"
"I can see a hot body/get a guy whenever I want"
"I don't think I've ever had a one night stand"
"The guys I work with do all that sh!t, but it's not something I'm into"
"I hang out with younger people because that's who's drawn to me and that's who I'm drawn to"

My thought was "where the hell did all this come from..?" I gave her the same kinda "I don't need you" bullsh!t right back that she was giving me, and when I made a comment about how I'm not looking for older women (yes, she's a bit older than me), I'm looking for girls I'm attracted to, I swear I saw her tear up. Shortly after that (almost hostile) little conversation, everything was cool again. We got back to my car, she parked, and we sat there, talked, listened to some music and some hot and heavy making out ensued. Then I left. CONFUSED.

Fourth date.. Can it really get any more f*cked up?

She contacted me less than 24 hours later, late Thursday night and invited me to hang out with her and one of her girlfriends Friday night (we were hardly even with the other girl, though, she just wanted to sit outside, smoke and have chumps buy her drinks). It went from having a fun time dancing, to going to her car and having a pretty heated conversation, which changed to a very emotional conversation, then to extremely sexual.

Alcohol and sleep deprivation being involved, the heated conversation started when I got upset at her because she said (multiple times, even in the middle of kissing) "you're lazy. Get off you're ass and do something," and telling me that I'm miserable. I responded by backing off and first asking her what she wants from me, then telling her she's not my mother. She responded with "nothing.. I don't want anything from you..." And that she wouldn't say it to me if she didn't care about me (though I don't know what this kind of "care" she's talking about is, exactly). I also couldn't get a straight answer on why she thought or felt that I'm miserable. All she said was "I'm the only one who would/could see it," and kept repeating "if I'm wrong just tell me and I'll never bring it up again.." We got in her car and the conversation turned from anger to more emotional/sad when I started asking her things. I told her that if I'm miserable and she can see it in me, then she must be miserable too. She told me that she has been married, and watched him, her first "true love," for a year and a half as he died of cancer, and she broke it off with her second "true love" for his and her own good. Pretty sure she was shedding a few tears at this point, and I was damn near myself.

She also told me a few more things (HER WORDS)..

- She smokes when she's not having sex (oral fixation and supposedly to keep her out of "trouble"), and that's why she smokes so much, especially with me.
- She never went through the casual sex phase and hasn't ever been interested in that kinda thing.
- When she has sex with someone she becomes attached, not in the clingy - calling all the time kinda way, but in the way that she wants to keep having sex with that same person. That's one of the reasons why she didn't/hasn't had sex with me, because she doesn't want to be attached. The other reason being that she doesn't want to have sex with me when she's been drinking.
- "I don't want to get attached to you.." and "Where is this going to go?" Then after seeming to be scared of getting attached I call her out and she says "I hurt, but I don't get hurt. You can't hurt me. No-one I've ever wanted to be with has ever not wanted to be with me."
- Told me that she doesn't "fit in" around here.
- Told me that she's in a "waiting place" and so am I, but for completely different reasons. (waiting place?)

Then it got sexual. Heavy making out, her using my hand to rub herself, her continuously touching me, straddling me in the passenger seat, us talking about what we want to do to each other, ect.. She ended up going down on me. Yeah, of course it felt good and I liked it, but it was mainly for her at that point. It seemed like that was what SHE wanted since I had moved her hand off my crotch 2-3 times before it happened while saying "not here." After that we kissed, just sat in the car and held each other for a bit, agreed that we both wanted to meet up next week then said our goodbye's (wanted me to contact her and tell her when I want to take her out, but not schedule anything right then).

Still very confused about all this.. How she actually feels/what she's thinking in regards to me, what she actually wants from me, or what's going to happen next. I just have this constant powerless and unsure feeling, like it seems like we're going to see each other again, but I'm not for sure.. At all... I've dated quite a bit and had my fair share of experience with women (of all ages) for my age, but I don't think I've ever felt THIS way about a girl.

 

[bigneil]

Sounds exactly like my last LTR (minus her smoking) which I ended up heartbroken from due to LDR, her BPD and my falling and getting oneitis.

Looking back, I wish I used NC more during the early stages because she used to freak out if I went even a few hours without replying. Instead, I kept trying and trying and watched her interest level decline to the point of no return. Watch out for moments of jealousy - I had just one jealous moment (after dating her 3 months) and that was what was the beginning of the end for us. I think you have to try not to show emotions and not to give her too much attention.

 

[Johnnyventana]

BPD Translator!

"She smokes when she's not having sex (oral fixation and supposedly to keep her out of "trouble"), and that's why she smokes so much, especially with me." She's telling you she gets into 'trouble' a lot.

"She never went through the casual sex phase and hasn't ever been interested in that kinda thing." She's had tons of casual sex.

"When she has sex with someone she becomes attached, not in the clingy - calling all the time kinda way, but in the way that she wants to keep having sex with that same person. That's one of the reasons why she didn't/hasn't had sex with me, because she doesn't want to be attached. The other reason being that she doesn't want to have sex with me when she's been drinking." Lie. She doesn't want you to get attached. She knows she will push you away.

"I don't want to get attached to you.." and "Where is this going to go?" Then after seeming to be scared of getting attached I call her out and she says "I hurt, but I don't get hurt. You can't hurt me. No-one I've ever wanted to be with has ever not wanted to be with me." True! She hurts all those around her. And she is able to flip a switch and paint you black and literally turn off any and all hurt when she's done with you. This will make your head spin.

"Told me that she doesn't "fit in" around here." She doesn't fit in anyway. Her insides are in turmoil because she has no actual 'self.' She only mirrors and steals other people's personalities.

"Told me that she's in a "waiting place" and so am I, but for completely different reasons. (waiting place?)" She is waiting for the magical knight in shining armor. Though he doesn't exist. No one could ever fulfill her bottomless pit of needs. You can't be him, no one can be him because it is her that has the problem.

Listen to her. She's telling you all you ever need to know about her. Run.

 

[Korrupt]

BPD Translator!

"She smokes when she's not having sex (oral fixation and supposedly to keep her out of "trouble"), and that's why she smokes so much, especially with me." She's telling you she gets into 'trouble' a lot.

"She never went through the casual sex phase and hasn't ever been interested in that kinda thing." She's had tons of casual sex.

"When she has sex with someone she becomes attached, not in the clingy - calling all the time kinda way, but in the way that she wants to keep having sex with that same person. That's one of the reasons why she didn't/hasn't had sex with me, because she doesn't want to be attached. The other reason being that she doesn't want to have sex with me when she's been drinking." Lie. She doesn't want you to get attached. She knows she will push you away.

"I don't want to get attached to you.." and "Where is this going to go?" Then after seeming to be scared of getting attached I call her out and she says "I hurt, but I don't get hurt. You can't hurt me. No-one I've ever wanted to be with has ever not wanted to be with me." True! She hurts all those around her. And she is able to flip a switch and paint you black and literally turn off any and all hurt when she's done with you. This will make your head spin.

"Told me that she doesn't "fit in" around here." She doesn't fit in anyway. Her insides are in turmoil because she has no actual 'self.' She only mirrors and steals other people's personalities.

"Told me that she's in a "waiting place" and so am I, but for completely different reasons. (waiting place?)" She is waiting for the magical knight in shining armor. Though he doesn't exist. No one could ever fulfill her bottomless pit of needs. You can't be him, no one can be him because it is her that has the problem.

Listen to her. She's telling you all you ever need to know about her. Run.

That opens my eyes a bit further, and her having BPD is definitely possible.

But why not f*ck me on the first date? And why be so willing to on the second, but not on the third or fourth? Why go through all this emotional bullsh*t with me? Why keep seeing me? What the hell does she want from me in all this?

And about running.. That's easier said than done at this point. I've been seeing another girl for a couple weeks now, and I like her, know that I'm going to see her again after we part ways, cool as sh!t and good in bed, but I don't FEEL the same with her as I do with the one in the OP.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Dude, you're fkd. "But why not f*ck me on the first date? And why be so willing to on the second, but not on the third or fourth? Why go through all this emotional bullsh*t with me? Why keep seeing me? What the hell does she want from me in all this?

And about running.. That's easier said than done at this point. I've been seeing another girl for a couple weeks now, and I like her, know that I'm going to see her again after we part ways, cool as sh!t and good in bed, but I don't FEEL the same with her as I do with the one in the OP."

All these are the typical questions people ask themselves. And she's snagged you hard with her intermittent bullshyte reinforcement. What she wants is how you are feeling right now. Search these and other forums hard for BPD. I don't envy you.

 

[Korrupt]

Dude, you're fkd. "But why not f*ck me on the first date? And why be so willing to on the second, but not on the third or fourth? Why go through all this emotional bullsh*t with me? Why keep seeing me? What the hell does she want from me in all this?

And about running.. That's easier said than done at this point. I've been seeing another girl for a couple weeks now, and I like her, know that I'm going to see her again after we part ways, cool as sh!t and good in bed, but I don't FEEL the same with her as I do with the one in the OP."

All these are the typical questions people ask themselves. And she's snagged you hard with her intermittent bullshyte reinforcement. What she wants is how you are feeling right now. Search these and other forums hard for BPD. I don't envy you.

I know.. This isn't going to end well for me the way it's going...

But what's in this for HER? Are you saying this is all a game of hers?

 

[Johnnyventana]

It's a game, but she doesn't know she's playing, which is what makes her so incredibly good at it. This is who she is, how she acts. She is driven by emotions that cycle rapidly, thus her different reactions from date to date, minute by minute.

Borderline Bible: http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

 

[Korrupt]

Holy sh!t.. Just after a little bit of reading from searching the forums, and from you're link I can say it's definitely a possibility that she's a BPD chick (hot/cold - push/pull and extreme sexuality), but GOD DAMN some of the stories on here are f*cking ridiculous, disgusting and crushing. Maybe this girl just has some baggage (husband dying, ect..) or maybe the full force of the BPD hasn't hit me yet. Either way, I'm going to keep reading and try my best to be on the look-out..

 

[Yo'Mama]

She smokes when she's not having sex? Lol, so either this girl has to be smoking cigarettes or smoking ****. Unbelievable.

I really wouldn't waste your time trying to figure out what she's thinking, why she thinks that way, etc. She's a crazy ***** - who the **** cares why she is the way she is. You should detach yourself fully from her. Don't get sucked into her bull**** psycho world.

 

[The_411]

Korrupt,

BPD women are masters of manipulation. They are so good at it they're capable of convincing us that their insanity is not insane.

The more time you spend the easier it is for her to play your attraction switches and have you eating out of the palm of her hand.

This girl has more red flags than Chinese New Year.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

I´ve been in a similar situation. Use the mirror effect and don´t show any emotion (once she senses you like her, her angry persona will push you away).

She will try to elicit emotions from you, that´s the game she wants you to play, don´t fall for that. If you don´t want to play simply go NC. Don´t try to understand why she does theses things, otherwise you´ll absorb her craziness.

 

[Korrupt]

Run, run, run.. Easier said than done...

Texted her today..

ME: Hey *name*, I think I still owe you that little tour of *area*.. So how about you get your sexy ass down here tomorrow night and I'll take YOU out?

HER: I'm sitting outside, listening to the rain, thinking about you.. Lol. *Friend we were out with on Friday* said she thought you were fun

ME: She was a cool girl.. But tomorrow night is an exclusive offer, just for you ..Unless you're afraid of how hard it is out here in the streets lol.

HER: Hahaha.. The mean streets of *area*.. I'll make sure I'm packin' some heat. I may be getting together with a friend tomorrow so it may be wed, that possible for you?

ME: Ahaha! Gotta be packin' in these streets! And yeah, wed works for me.

HER: I'll know by tonight if I can do tomorrow though, ok?

ME: That's cool. Just shoot me a text and lemme know.

HER: I'm gonna dress up a lil, tired of always being in jeans with you

ME: Hmm I like the sound of that.. I might just have to break out some khakis

HER: You always look nice

ME: Thanks, that's really sweet.. Can't wait to see you again, *name*

HER: You too, Korrupt

Now she's giving me all this lovey-dovey talk, kinda like a male AFC, buuut ironically enough, she didn't get back to me.. Another game? Purposely making me wait/keeping me on my toes? No idea.

 

[bean]

It's a game, but she doesn't know she's playing, which is what makes her so incredibly good at it. This is who she is, how she acts. She is driven by emotions that cycle rapidly, thus her different reactions from date to date, minute by minute.

Borderline Bible: http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

Damn dude I was about to post the same thing.



Korrupt,
As ****ty as it feels, chances are that you're getting played one way or another. Maybe she's not this evil psycho ***** that has her own agenda but there is definitely some manipulation going on. The thing about manipulators, especially in relationships, is that sometimesthey don't consciously know that they're manipulating you. They get hit with emotions, and respond in a way which feels right and works for them.

The point is, you're being manipulated and you have to figure out a course of action. If you think that she's a genuinely sweet person and that there's nothing major wrong with her, then you can deal with whatever problem you have with her. However, realize that based on what you've told us, and assuming that she's a legitimately sweet and nice girl, then be ready for something long term.

On the other hand, if she keeps raising red flags and keeps ****ing with you, or if you keep feeling like there's SOMETHING wrong, there's really only one thing you can do. If she knows that she's manipulating you then there's absolutely nothing you can do. Appealing to her guilt, logic, anything is useless and you'll just be digging yourself in deeper and deeper.




Again, realize that at some degree, you're being manipulated. Try to step back, take a breath, and think with your head- not with your **** and not with your heart.

 

[Johnnyventana]

She felt lovey dovey at that moment, and later felt different. Their emotions rapidly cycle like that. Any harmony, she will feel compelled to destroy.

 

[Quick]

I'm curious about what you want from this woman. If you just want sex, I'm pretty sure there are easier ways to get it. If you want a relationship, I'm damn sure there are less damaged chicks you can have one with.

Whether she has BPD or not, this emotional roller coaster is her territory not yours. A lot of the tips on here are aimed at giving girls the illusion of an emotional ride, because this is the type of thing that happens when you let them set the agenda and create an actual one. She's actually doing to you what you should be doing to her. She should be the one on message board trying to figure out what it all means.

 

[Die Hard]

I just read the thread title, nothing more. But just from reading that title, I'm still quite sure my advice will be spot on:

1. She's a BPD or another type of cluster B chick.
2. Eject from this girl right now.

 

[Korrupt]

I could POSSIBLY be dealing with a girl who has a personality disorder, but from some of the things I've read, I don't think she has BPD.

Her actions really haven't been as extreme as maybe I've made them out to be. She's never gone from extreme love to extreme hate with me. Odd, off color remarks? Yes. Going from "I love you and want to be with you all the time!" to "I hate you, you're a total a$$h0le!" - no. Even when I put the ball in her court and went no contact, she didn't suddenly blow up my phone for whatever reason. She just said "I know it seems like I'm being coy with you, but I DO want to hang out again," and told me that she'd hit me up when she got back from her trip, which (very surprisingly to me at the time) she actually did a week later. Also, for some reason, I think that if she had BPD I would have f*cked her by now.

She's never acted insanely obsessive either. No ridiculous amount of texts out of no-where or true batsh!t crazy behavior (I classify her actions and words as odd, weird, and/or bizarre, but not actually insane). Sh!t, two out of the four times we've been out together, one of her girlfriends has been with us and she's not only tried to set me up with them but also said sh!t like "can't you just go back to *area* and get laid?" She DOES seem to contradict herself a lot, even admits to thinking too much, and there's a good chance that she's a big liar half the time, but in my honest opinion, she seems like an older chick who has some serious baggage, mood swings, is insecure and whenever she feels herself losing control of the situation or "catching feelings" she tries to get back in control or ruin the moment by saying something odd or fighting me.

"I didn't pursue you"
"I'm not hard pressed for companionship"
"I can see a hot body/get a guy whenever I want"
"I hang out with younger people because that's who's drawn to me and that's who I'm drawn to"

These quotes, to me, just seem like the bullsh!t an insecure woman would say. I'm not throwing the possibility of her having BPD out completely, though.

Do I think I'm being manipulated in some way(s)? YES. Especially now. Not texting me about the date? What I think of is..

a.) She dead.
b.) Her phone broke
c.) She's too busy to send a text
d.) She's playing a game and f*cking with my head by purposely not letting me know what's going on

The first three being extremely unlikely in this situation.. I wouldn't tell, or imply to a girl that I'd contact her, then NOT, unless I wasn't interested and didn't care about seeing her, or I wanted to confuse her/f*ck with her head (which I HAVE done before. *It's Tuesday* "I'll hit you up tomorrow!" Then don't contact her till Thursday).

If it gets to 6pm tonight and I haven't received any text from her, I'm just going to send HER one telling her when and where to meet me tomorrow night and see what happens.

 

[The_411]

Korrupt,

Not all Cluster B women are overt or act out. Clearly, it's not my place to diagnose. I think the problem is that we're all seeing alarming red flags based on her behavior. In the end cluster B or not it comes down to her behavior and whether it is acceptable or not.

The push/pull behavior has you confused and that's what gets you hooked because it's intermittent reinforcement. You don't when the cheese (love/sex) is coming so you keep pushing the button.

Wht I'm seeing is extremely manipulative behavior with extreme low self-esteem from her. Those are hallmarks of Cluster B/BPD/HPD behavior.

she seems like an older chick who has some serious baggage, mood swings, is insecure and whenever she feels herself losing control of the situation or "catching feelings" she tries to get back in control or ruin the moment by saying something odd or fighting me.

"I didn't pursue you"
"I'm not hard pressed for companionship"
"I can see a hot body/get a guy whenever I want"
"I hang out with younger people because that's who's drawn to me and that's who I'm drawn to"

Alarm bells are ringing here. There's a lot of I'm not good enough mixed with I'm too good for you being mixed together. Again, hallmarks of a BPD/Cluster B chick but sounds a lot like HPD. This is eerily similar to the staff my ex HPD/BPD girlfriend would say.

Bottom line is that we can make suggestions but ultimately you have to make the choice.

 

[Korrupt]

Without typing up EVERYTHING, I'll post the (in my opinion) important parts of what happened..

She got back to me with a text that said "answer me!" I told her that I hadn't talked to her since Monday and she said that she had sent me a text that night (which I never received). Anyways, we ended up meeting last night and I showed her my area, treated her to dinner and we had a few drinks after that. It was a lot more.. Normal. Ha.

At one point during dinner she said to me "you know, this feels a lot like a date.. Is this a date?" When I told her yes, she ended up telling me that she got out of a relationship with a guy a lot younger than her last November (she broke it off), and that their relationship didn't start on sex. She also reiterated to me that she's very careful with her body and doesn't just "give herself away." A bit later on during the date I asked her about what she said last time we were together, about her not wanting to have sex because she doesn't want to get attached.. I asked her if it was because SHE doesn't want to get attached or because she doesn't want ME to get attached, to which she said that she doesn't want sex to be the reason she sees me/wants to see me.

What confuses me still though, is her affection mixed with sexuality mixed with sexual rejection. We'll make amazing, almost intense eye contact with each other, the passion when we kiss is off the charts, she'll take and hold my free hand while I'm driving, we'll sit on the same side in a booth, with my arm around her and I can sense she likes it, ect.. Then we'll have the sexual side; heavy making out, touching, her rubbing my crotch, telling me she wants to fck me, wants me in her mouth, but then she'll whisper in my ear "I can't sleep with you.." Then more affection and/or sexuality and eventually "I should go home.." More push/pull... But why?

At some point in the middle of us kissing I said "you want to know how I feel?" She nodded and I paused for a few seconds then said "I have fun with you.. And when I'm with you, nothing else matters.." She responded by saying "that's sweet" and kissing me. I also told her that I wanted to see her again soon, that we should do something this weekend. Just before we parted ways, she took my face with both hands, held me so my eyes were directly on hers and said "thank you," then we kissed and said goodbye. Texted her "Drive safe, *name*" and got back "Thank you, Korrupt. Sweet dreams "

 

[loveshogun]

I'm noticing the mood swing happened right after you couldn't deliver on the boning.

Not saying it's warranted on her part, but maybe she's frustrated and vindictive. The second part is something you have to worry about, because the logic (or lack thereof) goes "he didn't make me orgasm, so now I will ruin his life!"