We've been talking on the phone and texting for months (I know, bad move), but never had a chance to meet up since we're a few hours away from each other. She did invite me about 4 times before, but were usually short notice so I couldn't commit to it due to distance. The connection was there.
Before our first date, I noticed her becoming less chatty with me a few weeks prior, so I texted her mentioning to her how affected I was with her disappearance. She called me after, saying she was touched by it (and she was really genuine when she said it) and invited me to meet that Saturday.
Had our first date. Light dinner, glass of wine, then moved to another venue to chat outside after that place closed. Talked until 1AM, when that venue was also closing. As convo ended, we looked at each other for a few seconds, and I said to myself outloud, "I want to kiss you... I'm going to do it", and made a move to her. She met me halfway. It was beautiful.
Walked to our cars after and I asked if she wanted to make out some more in the car. She told me that she might be tempted to go to the hotel with me if we did that. That was the invitation. I asked her, and after a little bit of mandatory LMR, she agreed to go back.
We had sex at the hotel. She asked for a condom and I was happy to oblige. Long, slow lovemaking. Made her O lots of times. We went to sleep then I wake up later with her grinding on me, so was only happy to oblige. She eventually grabbed it and stuck it in, no condom. The second session was rougher, although not too crazy (no slapping, no hair pulling), just harder, more primal. Also plenty of O's here; but it was less synchronized and "breathing together" than the first one.
Here's my dilemma:
At 6:30AM she left the hotel flustered. And eventually texted me a few days later that she felt sad and ashamed about having sex without condoms. That she "self abandoned" and let her emotions get the best of her. That she freaked out when that happens. Text read like a goodbye, talking about how great a guy I was, and to "take care", and implying that we'd never see each other again when she said to just give the item she left on the hotel to someone else. Saying she needs to work on herself before a relationship ("not strong enough yet").
In my response I took my share of the responsibility for not insisting on a condom, disqualified myself as wanting a relationship, wanted to stay friends with her due to our connection (which is true, happy if we never have sex again).
Can someone give me advice on if this is salvagable?
I'm not sure if she has buyer's remorse for the hook up, feels slutty for what she did, is unattracted to me, or what.
Bit more context about her:
- former mormon but left (even though she's against that now, she still has guilt and conditioning to get through)
- she's had other ONS before
- low body count (I was her sixth)
Additional context I'm not putting a lot of weight to because we were in the heat of the moment while having sex:
- She said, "If we're going to be doing this without condoms, you can't be having sex with other girls"
- I said, "When you told me that you hooked up with that one guy, I got really jealous"
- I didn't cuddle her enough (barely, actually); and the post-sex talk wasn't enough I think to really give her comfort since we've both been up for close to 24 hours by that point.
