Lost girl after sex on 1st date. Buyer's Remorse, Auto Rejection, or Something Else?

[Solomon]

Let’s do the mental exercise: say you didn’t f her well enough. Would you want to be with someone whom you need to f real hard to make her change her opinion about you?

my bias answer would be hell no. A woman that’s really attracted to you won’t measure you only on sex skills. Her blood would be warmer than that.

I’m undecided about how to conclusively judge the behavior of your girl. These days many girls have so many traumas, that it may as well be true what she said. In any case, just remember, being pushy will get you nowhere.

Sounds like she has a lot of issues going on. You dodged a bullet. Think smarter next time though. Control your emotions and think logically.

I agree with these

what chick would leave a hotel at 6:30 am? unless OP did something crazy or was super disrespectful they had sex, and she leaves at 6:30 am? does this sound normal to you folks? Then you got someone mentioning taking her breakfast like what? at 6:30 am? ha ha

Women get buyer's remorse all the time, it's not always because the sex is bad, maybe she is dealing with another man, or other issues that we don't know about nor is it productive to speculate. because you will drive yourself insane doing so. This is one of the dark sides to having sex right away, sometimes women may FEEL it int he moment but then post O clarity comes in for women as well.

To answer OP's question having been in a similar situation this year (Except we didn't talk for months we spoke for a week and the girl and I weren't compatible ) There is no way to salvage this unless she comes around and even if she does, she is most likely to do it again is this something you're willing to put up with? iMO find options that live closer to you

Welcome to the site, keep your head up, put yourself out there and eventually you will win!

 

[The Duke]

We've been talking on the phone and texting for months (I know, bad move), but never had a chance to meet up since we're a few hours away from each other. She did invite me about 4 times before, but were usually short notice so I couldn't commit to it due to distance. The connection was there.

Before our first date, I noticed her becoming less chatty with me a few weeks prior, so I texted her mentioning to her how affected I was with her disappearance. She called me after, saying she was touched by it (and she was really genuine when she said it) and invited me to meet that Saturday.

Had our first date. Light dinner, glass of wine, then moved to another venue to chat outside after that place closed. Talked until 1AM, when that venue was also closing. As convo ended, we looked at each other for a few seconds, and I said to myself outloud, "I want to kiss you... I'm going to do it", and made a move to her. She met me halfway. It was beautiful.

Walked to our cars after and I asked if she wanted to make out some more in the car. She told me that she might be tempted to go to the hotel with me if we did that. That was the invitation. I asked her, and after a little bit of mandatory LMR, she agreed to go back.

We had sex at the hotel. She asked for a condom and I was happy to oblige. Long, slow lovemaking. Made her O lots of times. We went to sleep then I wake up later with her grinding on me, so was only happy to oblige. She eventually grabbed it and stuck it in, no condom. The second session was rougher, although not too crazy (no slapping, no hair pulling), just harder, more primal. Also plenty of O's here; but it was less synchronized and "breathing together" than the first one.

Here's my dilemma:

At 6:30AM she left the hotel flustered. And eventually texted me a few days later that she felt sad and ashamed about having sex without condoms. That she "self abandoned" and let her emotions get the best of her. That she freaked out when that happens. Text read like a goodbye, talking about how great a guy I was, and to "take care", and implying that we'd never see each other again when she said to just give the item she left on the hotel to someone else. Saying she needs to work on herself before a relationship ("not strong enough yet").

In my response I took my share of the responsibility for not insisting on a condom, disqualified myself as wanting a relationship, wanted to stay friends with her due to our connection (which is true, happy if we never have sex again).

Can someone give me advice on if this is salvagable?

I'm not sure if she has buyer's remorse for the hook up, feels slutty for what she did, is unattracted to me, or what.

Bit more context about her:
- former mormon but left (even though she's against that now, she still has guilt and conditioning to get through)
- she's had other ONS before
- low body count (I was her sixth)

Additional context I'm not putting a lot of weight to because we were in the heat of the moment while having sex:
- She said, "If we're going to be doing this without condoms, you can't be having sex with other girls"
- I said, "When you told me that you hooked up with that one guy, I got really jealous"
- I didn't cuddle her enough (barely, actually); and the post-sex talk wasn't enough I think to really give her comfort since we've both been up for close to 24 hours by that point.

You came across as a little soft/lack masculine leadership and it made her second guess her own behavior and a future relationship with you.

We've been talking on the phone and texting for months (I know, bad move), but never had a chance to meet up since we're a few hours away from each other. She did invite me about 4 times before, but were usually short notice so I couldn't commit to it due to distance.
-I'd of told her to come see me. Make her invest in you. Its a way for her to show her cards. You also have to understand the currency that men and women trade. You kept paying her in the form of free attention but got nothing in return until now.

You don't state that you went to see her but I'm guessing you did?

Before our first date, I noticed her becoming less chatty with me a few weeks prior, so I texted her mentioning to her how affected I was with her disappearance. She called me after, saying she was touched by it (and she was really genuine when she said it) and invited me to meet that Saturday.
-You conveyed how overly invested you were with a woman you have never met in person before. More weakness on display.
Women say all sorts of cute/touching bull**** to make you feel good. They are the best actors ever. I'm sure she was touched. It showed you were way into her. But it did nothing to make that pu$$y wet. It showed you are emotionally weak.

Walked to our cars after and I asked if she wanted to make out some more in the car. She told me that she might be tempted to go to the hotel with me if we did that. That was the invitation. I asked her, and after a little bit of mandatory LMR, she agreed to go back.
-You don't ask a woman if she wants to make out. You just start doing it. Its your job to know when its appropriate and when its not and proceed correctly. Once again you are asking for approval. Thats what women do. Thats not what successful masculine men do. It conveys to women that you are uncertain and makes them nervous and second guess. You are the captain of the ship, you don't ask the passengers which route you should take.

At 6:30AM she left the hotel flustered. And eventually texted me a few days later that she felt sad and ashamed about having sex without condoms. That she "self abandoned" and let her emotions get the best of her. That she freaked out when that happens. Text read like a goodbye, talking about how great a guy I was, and to "take care", and implying that we'd never see each other again when she said to just give the item she left on the hotel to someone else. Saying she needs to work on herself before a relationship ("not strong enough yet").
-This happens when a woman feels like a wh0re because buyers remorse set in. She might feel this way because you didn't cuddle with her afterwards. In your situation I would have made sure of it. There are times when just because you can fuhk a girl doesn't mean you should. Only you will know.

You set a relationship tone from the start. Not cuddling with her totally says "I don't want a relationship with you. I just want to wine and dine and fuhk. " What you displayed in your actions was perhaps not congruent with what you conveyed over the phone for the months leading up to the date. Congruency is very important for women.

Another possibility was maybe she was talking to some other guy and feels bad because she fuhked you. Maybe she had flashbacks to her ex.

I said, "When you told me that you hooked up with that one guy, I got really jealous"
-And another example that dries pu$$y up. You sound like a damn emotional woman. Go work on yourself.

In my response I took my share of the responsibility for not insisting on a condom, wanted to stay friends with her due to our connection (which is true, happy if we never have sex again).
-More desperate weak feminine behavior. She met a puppy dog, not a masculine man.

A woman is like water, forever changing shape. Sometimes she is tranquil and pleasing, other times she is raging, all based on her emotions and how she feels. They seek what they are not.

 

[The Duke]

Obviously this girl likes me enough to spend so much time and energy talking to me, and then sleeping with me.

Nah thats your ego talking. Typical man mistake. The fact that you are talking to her provides validation and attention that she desperately craves. Was all the time and money you spent on her worth one night of sex? You gave her several months of payment in the form of attention. Sounds like about a 10:1 deal to me. She got the better end of it.

 

[pipeman84]

what chick would leave a hotel at 6:30 am?

A divorced, former mormon currently 'spiritual' woman who's had several ONS ... in other words, a bat sh!t crazy one.

As I said, OP should count his lucky stars that he hasn't been accused of rape. A woman leaving a hotel room at 6:30am is not a good look. All she had to do was cry rape and he'd have been fvcked ... her word against his. Best case scenario: go through years of judicial process, time wasted, lawyers expenses etc, have his name plastered all over while she gets anonymity, irrespective of the trial result. Worst case: end up in prison with all that it entails (being butt fvcked, criminal record etc).

 

[Ricky]

Has she contacted you since that visit?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

At 6:30AM she left the hotel flustered. And eventually texted me a few days later that she felt sad and ashamed about having sex without condoms. That she "self abandoned" and let her emotions get the best of her. That she freaked out when that happens. Text read like a goodbye, talking about how great a guy I was, and to "take care", and implying that we'd never see each other again when she said to just give the item she left on the hotel to someone else. Saying she needs to work on herself before a relationship ("not strong enough yet").

You made her do the 'walk of shame' and you wonder why she doesn't want to get back with you?

I'm sorry, but if I had advice for you, it would be to understand women a little better before putting your penis in them.

 

[ruins]

You made her do the 'walk of shame' and you wonder why she doesn't want to get back with you?

I'm sorry, but if I had advice for you, it would be to understand women a little better before putting your penis in them.

I'm here to learn. Aside from cuddling, deep diving some more, and building more comfort, was there something else I could have done?
I'm here to learn from you guys.

 

[ruins]

You came across as a little soft/lack masculine leadership and it made her second guess her own behavior and a future relationship with you.

We've been talking on the phone and texting for months (I know, bad move), but never had a chance to meet up since we're a few hours away from each other. She did invite me about 4 times before, but were usually short notice so I couldn't commit to it due to distance.
-I'd of told her to come see me. Make her invest in you. Its a way for her to show her cards. You also have to understand the currency that men and women trade. You kept paying her in the form of free attention but got nothing in return until now.

You don't state that you went to see her but I'm guessing you did?

Before our first date, I noticed her becoming less chatty with me a few weeks prior, so I texted her mentioning to her how affected I was with her disappearance. She called me after, saying she was touched by it (and she was really genuine when she said it) and invited me to meet that Saturday.
-You conveyed how overly invested you were with a woman you have never met in person before. More weakness on display.
Women say all sorts of cute/touching bull**** to make you feel good. They are the best actors ever. I'm sure she was touched. It showed you were way into her. But it did nothing to make that pu$$y wet. It showed you are emotionally weak.

Walked to our cars after and I asked if she wanted to make out some more in the car. She told me that she might be tempted to go to the hotel with me if we did that. That was the invitation. I asked her, and after a little bit of mandatory LMR, she agreed to go back.
-You don't ask a woman if she wants to make out. You just start doing it. Its your job to know when its appropriate and when its not and proceed correctly. Once again you are asking for approval. Thats what women do. Thats not what successful masculine men do. It conveys to women that you are uncertain and makes them nervous and second guess. You are the captain of the ship, you don't ask the passengers which route you should take.

At 6:30AM she left the hotel flustered. And eventually texted me a few days later that she felt sad and ashamed about having sex without condoms. That she "self abandoned" and let her emotions get the best of her. That she freaked out when that happens. Text read like a goodbye, talking about how great a guy I was, and to "take care", and implying that we'd never see each other again when she said to just give the item she left on the hotel to someone else. Saying she needs to work on herself before a relationship ("not strong enough yet").
-This happens when a woman feels like a wh0re because buyers remorse set in. She might feel this way because you didn't cuddle with her afterwards. In your situation I would have made sure of it. There are times when just because you can fuhk a girl doesn't mean you should. Only you will know.

You set a relationship tone from the start. Not cuddling with her totally says "I don't want a relationship with you. I just want to wine and dine and fuhk. " What you displayed in your actions was perhaps not congruent with what you conveyed over the phone for the months leading up to the date. Congruency is very important for women.

Another possibility was maybe she was talking to some other guy and feels bad because she fuhked you. Maybe she had flashbacks to her ex.

I said, "When you told me that you hooked up with that one guy, I got really jealous"
-And another example that dries pu$$y up. You sound like a damn emotional woman. Go work on yourself.

In my response I took my share of the responsibility for not insisting on a condom, wanted to stay friends with her due to our connection (which is true, happy if we never have sex again).
-More desperate weak feminine behavior. She met a puppy dog, not a masculine man.

A woman is like water, forever changing shape. Sometimes she is tranquil and pleasing, other times she is raging, all based on her emotions and how she feels. They seek what they are not.

Harsh write up, but I think this is what I needed to hear. What I bolded is gold, for me. I don't know how I lost awareness of that situation. Hard lesson learned, for sure, since I really liked this girl.

I appreciate you taking the time to write this up!

 

[ruins]

Has she contacted you since that visit?

Just a text exchange where she said she would be open to maintaining a friendship after processing my text message more (I asked for it in a text before that when I disqualified myself as looking for a relationship; which is dumb of me now that I think about it -- makes her feel more like a slut and probably justified her leaving the hotel!). That was about a week ago.

 

[ruins]

I agree with these

what chick would leave a hotel at 6:30 am? unless OP did something crazy or was super disrespectful they had sex, and she leaves at 6:30 am? does this sound normal to you folks? Then you got someone mentioning taking her breakfast like what? at 6:30 am? ha ha

Women get buyer's remorse all the time, it's not always because the sex is bad, maybe she is dealing with another man, or other issues that we don't know about nor is it productive to speculate. because you will drive yourself insane doing so. This is one of the dark sides to having sex right away, sometimes women may FEEL it int he moment but then post O clarity comes in for women as well.

To answer OP's question having been in a similar situation this year (Except we didn't talk for months we spoke for a week and the girl and I weren't compatible ) There is no way to salvage this unless she comes around and even if she does, she is most likely to do it again is this something you're willing to put up with? iMO find options that live closer to you

Welcome to the site, keep your head up, put yourself out there and eventually you will win!

Thank you for the encouraging words! This makes me feel a bit better. I know I have a lot to work on with tightening my game up. Yes, her leaving at that time really blindsided me. Didn't think she'd be that upset. I think that's what caused me to write a post about it and ask the experienced Don Juans here, really triggered something in me.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I'm here to learn. Aside from cuddling, deep diving some more, and building more comfort, was there something else I could have done?
I'm here to learn from you guys.

You failed to make her feel secure and unashamed to become your wanton slut.

 

[Chow Mein]

This girl knows long distance would not work out, she just needed something strange and exciting like meeting a guy for drinks and end up back at a hotel. She’s a nympho.

You both had fun so all is well, my friend. On to the next

 

[The Duke]

I'm here to learn. Aside from cuddling, deep diving some more, and building more comfort, was there something else I could have done?
I'm here to learn from you guys.

If you were interested in a solid relationship of some type with her and she was as well(sounds like thats what this was) then the best way to handle these situations is to invite her to your town. You spent time providing free attention over the phone and you can bet she got something out of it so she needs to invest in you and come to you. Its a great way to test her interest level as well.

As far as the sex goes, by communicating for a few months you have set the stage for a relationship. She is going to have expectations and feelings that go far deeper than anything primal like hot sex with a random guy she just met. You have kind of put the cart before the horse here so its no longer just sex.

I 100% guarantee you that after you got done having sex, fell asleep and didn't hold her, she felt used, taken advantage of, and not cared for. Its why she left at 6:30am after a long day/nite. She laid there after sex and couldn't sleep because of how you made her feel. It was totally opposite of how you made her feel leading up to the date and on the date.

If its not that, then she is fuhking some other guy as well or has feelings for someone else.

I've had a few long distance girls over the years that I invested significant time up front before I met them. I enjoyed the conversations so I was getting something out of it, although not as much as I wanted. All of them I had come see me first. There was often sex on the first date but I always held them close afterwards and never had any of these problems.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

It doesn't matter

Women always complain about men doing one night stands and ghosting after they "got what they wanted". But women do it too.

Sometimes they just want to get ****ed down and then move to the next ****. Or, she in fact did not "get what she wanted" which is the same reason any sane man would also walk away from a woman after the first time they have sex - he didn't get what he wanted.

 

[Bingo-Player]

and I said to myself outloud, "I want to kiss you... I'm going to do it", and made a move to her. She met me halfway. It was beautiful.

- I said, "When you told me that you hooked up with that one guy, I got really jealous"

In my response I took my share of the responsibility for not insisting on a condom, disqualified myself as wanting a relationship, wanted to stay friends with her due to our connection (which is true, happy if we never have sex again).

OP I'm not sure how old you are but I mean this is some really bizarre stuff to be thinking / doing with a woman you've met once

It's a one night stand and it sounds like you were trying very very hard to romanticise it into a 6 part tv melodrama

Inexperienced men often make this mistake with women trying to reenact stereotyped romantic scenes from movies and novels believing she will melt into your arms because your so different to all the other guys

In reality all it does is create pressure that doesn't need to be there , women aren't goddess they are normal human beings that burp, fart and sh1t

I could be Barking up the wrong tree but it sounds to me like you've painted some sort of perfect fantasy world and when she's woken up in the morning she's realised she has been a wh0re none of it was real and has quite rightly run for the hills

This is the danger of building up such intensely perfect romantic scenarios with women. It places a tremendous amount of pressure on them too be perfect princesses and often they know damn well they aren't

9/10 You're better off just being very nonchalant about the whole thing .....theres a good reason women respond so positively too ****y funny & douche bags

There's often zero expectation or pressure from them , she can relax , be a slOOt, offer anal , theres no repercussion

 

[MatureDJ]

Do you have a micropen!s?

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Do you have a micropen!s?

You have to stop projecting your insecurities on others. Maybe go out and talk to women, mister micro everything?

 

[ruins]

If you were interested in a solid relationship of some type with her and she was as well(sounds like thats what this was) then the best way to handle these situations is to invite her to your town. You spent time providing free attention over the phone and you can bet she got something out of it so she needs to invest in you and come to you. Its a great way to test her interest level as well.

As far as the sex goes, by communicating for a few months you have set the stage for a relationship. She is going to have expectations and feelings that go far deeper than anything primal like hot sex with a random guy she just met. You have kind of put the cart before the horse here so its no longer just sex.

I 100% guarantee you that after you got done having sex, fell asleep and didn't hold her, she felt used, taken advantage of, and not cared for. Its why she left at 6:30am after a long day/nite. She laid there after sex and couldn't sleep because of how you made her feel. It was totally opposite of how you made her feel leading up to the date and on the date.

If its not that, then she is fuhking some other guy as well or has feelings for someone else.

I've had a few long distance girls over the years that I invested significant time up front before I met them. I enjoyed the conversations so I was getting something out of it, although not as much as I wanted. All of them I had come see me first. There was often sex on the first date but I always held them close afterwards and never had any of these problems.

So much gold in this response. Thank you!
Definitely implementing these insights for the next one: invite her to my town, post-sex after care, less primal and more intimate.

Although I think I'll try to go local this time around.
I got something from our conversations, too. Which is why I was bummed that we couldn't stay friends after that.

On to the next one...

 

[ruins]

OP I'm not sure how old you are but I mean this is some really bizarre stuff to be thinking / doing with a woman you've met once

It's a one night stand and it sounds like you were trying very very hard to romanticise it into a 6 part tv melodrama

Inexperienced men often make this mistake with women trying to reenact stereotyped romantic scenes from movies and novels believing she will melt into your arms because your so different to all the other guys

In reality all it does is create pressure that doesn't need to be there , women aren't goddess they are normal human beings that burp, fart and sh1t

I could be Barking up the wrong tree but it sounds to me like you've painted some sort of perfect fantasy world and when she's woken up in the morning she's realised she has been a wh0re none of it was real and has quite rightly run for the hills

This is the danger of building up such intensely perfect romantic scenarios with women. It places a tremendous amount of pressure on them too be perfect princesses and often they know damn well they aren't

9/10 You're better off just being very nonchalant about the whole thing .....theres a good reason women respond so positively too ****y funny & douche bags

There's often zero expectation or pressure from them , she can relax , be a slOOt, offer anal , theres no repercussion

Noted on the pressure. Yeah, kind of shot myself in the foot by talking to her for so many months prior to the meet up.
We always had deep conversations, so I should have made a conscious choice to insert more humor and light-heartedness in there.

Thank you!

 

[Ricky]

Noted on the pressure. Yeah, kind of shot myself in the foot by talking to her for so many months prior to the meet up.
We always had deep conversations, so I should have made a conscious choice to insert more humor and light-heartedness in there.

Thank you!

You could contact her without any outcome dependency on your part. More for experimental purposes