Looking for some help curbing some bad behavior I'm considering engaging in

[New_Journey]

This girl is full of trauma, medical conditions, and bull$hit of a life. Are you Neo from the Matrix who saves people?

What is it about her you like her that much? Do you think is luck that you found her when she was with nobody?

This is the typical case of Women weaponizing men's protective instinct. And then here he goes to save the damsel in distress because of her own damn choices in life.

Use this girl for what she is, a warm hole and a nice company, nothing more, nothing less.

 

[BPH]

Hey @BPH appreciate the tag, here are my thoughts.

Re bolded above, then don't. That's the bottom line, respect her boundaries here.

For whatever reason, she's not in an emotionally good place; it could be a combination of things.

Her comment that she would have joined her cat "on the other side" suggests she's severely depressed.

Everyone grieves differently. I am still grieving my dad's passing 10 years ago in some form or fashion; I also lost my mom and I lost my brother a couple of years ago. My precious dog died many years ago as well.

I still sometimes go through periods where I wish to be alone, in time they become fewer and far between.

It's only been a month, give it (her) time. There's no set timeline, again everyone's timeline is different.

Patience is your friend here do not push it or force it.

It's good you're still communicating but I would caution against making an impromptu visit to her home.

i also agree with some other comments that if you drive over to see her without an invite, putting forth that type of energy, it suggests you may be more serious about her than you are.

You say you only want FWB and yes friends can and do certainly show caring, buying a small gift to offer condolences.

However, in a FWB scenario those lines can often become blurred and if you're not serious about wanting a "relationship" you need to tread carefully so as to not to mislead her into believing you do or have serious intentions with her.

I do realize you're desirous (anxious?) to resume your FWB status but try to not let your desires and/or anxiety steer your ship.

It's best to respect her boundaries. Continue communicating, she will let you know IF/when she's ready to pick up where you left off before her cat passed away and whatever other emotional/mental health issues she's experiencing.

Good luck man.

Do you think @Prepostereax 's idea to get her a little stuffed cat with a note would be a nice gesture, or would that also be seen as forceful/pushing it?

That seemed like a decent enough idea that could be kind of a middleground.

Haaaa nobody in here

That was mostly to dissuade the keyboard warriors and theorycrafters who don't have any lived experience but love adding their 2 cents. So far it seems to have steered away the usual suspects.

This girl is full of trauma, medical conditions, and bull$hit of a life. Are you Neo from the Matrix who saves people?

What is it about her you like her that much? Do you think is luck that you found her when she was with nobody?

This is the typical case of Women weaponizing men's protective instinct. And then here he goes to save the damsel in distress because of her own damn choices in life.

Use this girl for what she is, a warm hole and a nice company, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm not looking to save her. She was with nobody because I met her soon after she moved back in with her mom and she didn't know anybody and doesn't go out often to meet people.

As far as what I like about her, she's a good person, at least from my experience. Like I said before, I generally like the women I sleep with and most times a FWB situation ends it's on their end, not mine.

She's a very sweet girl; I buy an energy drink once to have on the way home from visiting her one time and she asks me my favorite flavors and always has them in the fridge for when I visit. Even though she doesn't drink she asks me my favorite alcohol and has Captain Morgan shooters on hand. When I leave she stays awake waiting until I let her know I'm home safe. The Christmas gift of a quality gold chain to replace the one I broke was something I didn't expect from somebody I was only casually seeing, and she's never pressured me into anything more than what we currently were.

Wonderful girl with an unfortunate amount of medical and personal problems. She doesn't make her problems my problems and treats me well, so I treat her well.

Simple as that.

 

[Sega Genesis]

Do you think @Prepostereax 's idea to get her a little stuffed cat with a note would be a nice gesture, or would that also be seen as forceful/pushing it?

I think it could be misleading; again the lines between just a "friendship" and "friends with benefits" can be blurry.

Also ask yourself why you would? Are you seeking her validation and/or to get things back on track to where they were?

If so, that could be viewed as manipulative

On the other hand, if you want to send a small gesture because you care, with no expectation that she even respond, then okay send it.

A small card sending your condolences would be fine.

I do NOT recommend writing anything "touchy/feely," it's not appropriate under the circumstances and may be viewed by her as "too much," and over the top..

 

[BPH]

I think it could be misleading; again the lines between just a "friendship" and "friends with benefits" can be blurry.

Also ask yourself why you would? Are you seeking her validation and/or to get things back on track to where they were?

If so, that could be viewed as manipulative

On the other hand, if you want to send a small gesture because you care, with no expectation that she even respond, then okay send it.

A small card sending your condolences would be fine.

I do NOT recommend writing anything "touchy/feely," it's not appropriate under the circumstances and may be viewed by her as "too much," and over the top..

I want to get things back on track, but I also wouldn't make something like this about me.

If I were to do it I'd just get a little stuffed cat that looks like the one she lost, attach a little note saying something along the lines of "Hope you feel better" and leave it in her mailbox since she's always home.

 

[BeExcellent]

Do not get her a stuffed cat. You don't know her well enough for this; it may come off odd. If you think of it, get her a simple card that you are thinking of her and you are sorry for her loss, and leave it where she will find it after you see her next time.

That way you are kind/thoughtful in the moment but not intruding on her in any way; not expecting any sort of response.

What @Sega Genesis says is true. People grieve differently. How she grieves may not make sense to you and that's Ok.

Don't go over uninvited. You can always say "Let me know if you feel like company" and see how she responds.

 

[Sega Genesis]

If I were to do it I'd just get a little stuffed cat that looks like the one she lost, attach a little note saying something along the lines of "Hope you feel better" and leave it in her mailbox since she's always home.

How about simply a card and mailing it?

If me and a man I'd been dating (I don't do FWBs not my thing) but not yet in an exclusive relationship drove to my home and left something like what you're thinking in my mailbox, I'd find that a bit creepy tbh.

Other than that a card seems like a kind and thoughtful gesture BPH. But mail it.

JMO

 

[BPH]

and leave it where she will find it after you see her next time.

Specifically AFTER I see her next time? Not having seen her for a month is kinda the whole problem.

 

[Clockwerk50]

+3 on the condolences card.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The human mind deals with past trauma by re-living it. So the pet dying makes her have to re-experience the grief of losing her father.

 

[Sega Genesis]

She's a very sweet girl; I buy an energy drink once to have on the way home from visiting her one time and she asks me my favorite flavors and always has them in the fridge for when I visit. Even though she doesn't drink she asks me my favorite alcohol and has Captain Morgan shooters on hand. When I leave she stays awake waiting until I let her know I'm home safe. The Christmas gift of a quality gold chain to replace the one I broke was something I didn't expect from somebody I was only casually seeing, and she's never pressured me into anything more than what we currently were.

Wonderful girl with an unfortunate amount of medical and personal problems. She doesn't make her problems my problems and treats me well, so I treat her well.

Reading this^^ she sounds like a keeper! I know you don't want that right now ... just saying.

Yes please send her the card, lord you’ve got ME caring about her for chrissakes.

 

[BPH]

Reading this^^ she sounds like a keeper! I know you don't want that right now ... just saying.

Yes please send her the card, lord you’ve got ME caring about her for chrissakes.

I'll probably go this route. I'll check some stores tomorrow if anywhere sells cards with cats that look similar to hers and send something handwritten.

You mentioned you wouldn't drop this off but rather mail it, do you stand by that? She's a short drive and I've been there plenty of times and could deliver this in 30 minutes as opposed to 2-3 business days, but if you think it's less imposing to mail it as a standard letter.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Reading this^^ she sounds like a keeper! I know you don't want that right now ... just saying.

Yes please send her the card, lord you’ve got ME caring about her for chrissakes.

Bedridden women aren't keepers you silly woman

 

[BPH]

Found a card, wrote a short message, mailed it.

Apparently it won't arrive until Monday, and I could've delivered it in a half hour, but ok, let's see what happens, if anything.

 

[BPH]

@Sega Genesis @BeExcellent alright, wanted to provide a little update.

It's now been a full week from when my card should've been delivered. I sent her a message last Wednesday basically letting her know she should've received something in the mail and that she knows how to reach me if/when she wanted to talk to me.

Some background; we communicate almost entirely through Instagram DMs since she has some issue with her phone and only uses that for calls to/from her doctors. I don't know, anyway, almost all communication is through Instagram, and that's how it's always been with her, so here are some timelines:

• Last saw her 2 full months ago
• Last conversation with her before the cat was 1 week after that 2 months, and it was her telling me she had new bosses for me to beat next time I visited, and liking my Insta story
• The most recent, and last time she responded to me was 3 weeks ago, telling me she was still emotionally unwell and has had a hard time talking to people, that things have been getting worse not better, and that there's nothing I can do right now
• 2 weeks ago she read my message asking how she's doing, did not respond

Now, she's been online pretty much every day. She doesn't look at my stuff anymore, and doesn't post her own stuff, but she's following more accounts so she is doing SOMETHING.

What I kinda want to do is if I don't hear from her at all this week either I'd probably drive over to see what's up.

At this point, I don't feel like I'd be losing anything that's not already gone. I do like the girl and I'd prefer to keep seeing her, but if she's changed her mind about things I'd like to be made aware of that.

Objectively I know this is "wrong" because I should be meeting other women and having abundance and letting her grieve, but it's been 2 months over a cat that she's only had for 6 months - if that is the true nature of her absence.

So let me know if you'd strongly advise against this for some reason, but that's what's on my mind currently.

 

[BeExcellent]

@Sega Genesis @BeExcellent alright, wanted to provide a little update.

It's now been a full week from when my card should've been delivered. I sent her a message last Wednesday basically letting her know she should've received something in the mail and that she knows how to reach me if/when she wanted to talk to me.

Some background; we communicate almost entirely through Instagram DMs since she has some issue with her phone and only uses that for calls to/from her doctors. I don't know, anyway, almost all communication is through Instagram, and that's how it's always been with her, so here are some timelines:

• Last saw her 2 full months ago
• Last conversation with her before the cat was 1 week after that 2 months, and it was her telling me she had new bosses for me to beat next time I visited, and liking my Insta story
• The most recent, and last time she responded to me was 3 weeks ago, telling me she was still emotionally unwell and has had a hard time talking to people, that things have been getting worse not better, and that there's nothing I can do right now
• 2 weeks ago she read my message asking how she's doing, did not respond

Now, she's been online pretty much every day. She doesn't look at my stuff anymore, and doesn't post her own stuff, but she's following more accounts so she is doing SOMETHING.

What I kinda want to do is if I don't hear from her at all this week either I'd probably drive over to see what's up.

At this point, I don't feel like I'd be losing anything that's not already gone. I do like the girl and I'd prefer to keep seeing her, but if she's changed her mind about things I'd like to be made aware of that.

Objectively I know this is "wrong" because I should be meeting other women and having abundance and letting her grieve, but it's been 2 months over a cat that she's only had for 6 months - if that is the true nature of her absence.

So let me know if you'd strongly advise against this for some reason, but that's what's on my mind currently.

Don't. Certainly do NOT drive over there.

I know you care about this girl. But you really do not know her that well. She could have met a guy who sees her as gf material, be actively banging someone else, be strung out on meds, be mental. You don't know.

She has not included you in her inner circle. Realize that and accept it. If you were in her inner circle y'all would be in touch.

If you are genuinely curious about her welfare, send her a simple text and say:

"Haven't heard from you in a little bit. You doing Ok?"

Nothing more. Then you wait and see if she responds and if she does respond then how does she respond...

My hunch is she may leave you on read again & say nothing. Now. If she does that you blow her off. Period. Not your job to console her or save her.

Notice that you have a strong urge to save her. This is how screwed up women enmesh men, because a man's ego has a deep need to feel like the hero in the story. Digest that. You cannot save her from herself and she may pull you into the abyss if you are not careful.

Maybe she's depressed. She's not your wife; not your problem; she has shut you out; don't re-insert yourself. Leave her alone.

Give her the gift of your absence.

Here's something I'm observing about your recent content. You are predominantly self focused, in some cases to the exclusion of considering another POV. With this girl you still want to keep seeing her/banging her. You think her mourning the cat is excessive, etc.

But all that is all about you.

She knows (you have trained her to understand) that you contact her with interest in a FWB hook up. So she has been trained that contact with you equates to sex and meeting your needs.

What if her needs do not align with meeting your agenda? Your needs? I think she has distanced herself for that reason.

Let her go. Plates break. Quit chasing the interaction.

 

[BPH]

Don't. Certainly do NOT drive over there.

I know you care about this girl. But you really do not know her that well. She could have met a guy who sees her as gf material, be actively banging someone else, be strung out on meds, be mental. You don't know.

She has not included you in her inner circle. Realize that and accept it. If you were in her inner circle y'all would be in touch.

If you are genuinely curious about her welfare, send her a simple text and say:

"Haven't heard from you in a little bit. You doing Ok?"

Nothing more. Then you wait and see if she responds and if she does respond then how does she respond...

My hunch is she may leave you on read again & say nothing. Now. If she does that you blow her off. Period. Not your job to console her or save her.

Notice that you have a strong urge to save her. This is how screwed up women enmesh men, because a man's ego has a deep need to feel like the hero in the story. Digest that. You cannot save her from herself and she may pull you into the abyss if you are not careful.

Maybe she's depressed. She's not your wife; not your problem; she has shut you out; don't re-insert yourself. Leave her alone.

Give her the gift of your absence.

Here's something I'm observing about your recent content. You are predominantly self focused, in some cases to the exclusion of considering another POV. With this girl you still want to keep seeing her/banging her. You think her mourning the cat is excessive, etc.

But all that is all about you.

She knows (you have trained her to understand) that you contact her with interest in a FWB hook up. So she has been trained that contact with you equates to sex and meeting your needs.

What if her needs do not align with meeting your agenda? Your needs? I think she has distanced herself for that reason.

Let her go. Plates break. Quit chasing the interaction.

Alright, I won't even message her. She hasn't read my most recent so I'll just leave it at that for when/if she gives it a read.

 

[Sega Genesis]

What I kinda want to do is if I don't hear from her at all this week either I'd probably drive over to see what's up.

At this point, I don't feel like I'd be losing anything that's not already gone. I do like the girl and I'd prefer to keep seeing her, but if she's changed her mind about things I'd like to be made aware of that.

@BPH she has already made you aware it. .. through her silence.

I agree with @BeExcellent please PLEASE don't drive over there.. No offense but cringe (sorry).

I suggest not even calling to "see how she's doing," you have seen her online every day, you know she's doing just fine.

Let this go. IF she has a change heart, she knows where to find you.

By continuing to chase her when you're not getting anything back (and I mean that quite literally), you come off (in her eyes) as appearing quite desperate, you may even begin to repulse her which is NOT a place you want to be.

Respect her boundaries which she's conveying through silence.

Let her go. Plates break. Quit chasing the interaction.

100% agree.

I'm sorry it didn't work out as you hoped or wanted. As a super attractive guy, you're probably not used to that which may be part of what's driving you too.

 

[Sega Genesis]

@BPH I just want to add that not receiving so much as a "thank you" for the thoughtful card you sent was imo rude and reflects a clear lack of interest.

I mean she did not even acknowledge it!

I am now wondering if she's even depressed. It may have been an excuse to fade out slowly. I mean what is she doing online every singje day if she's so depressed?

What I'm also wondering is why you are still interested in pursuing this?

The girl could not be less interested. Imo.

Hard pill to swallow I realize that but seriously she's taking up too much space in your brain, way more than she deserves at this point.

Best to let it go.

 

[Divorced w 3]

@Sega Genesis @BeExcellent alright, wanted to provide a little update.

It's now been a full week from when my card should've been delivered. I sent her a message last Wednesday basically letting her know she should've received something in the mail and that she knows how to reach me if/when she wanted to talk to me.

Some background; we communicate almost entirely through Instagram DMs since she has some issue with her phone and only uses that for calls to/from her doctors. I don't know, anyway, almost all communication is through Instagram, and that's how it's always been with her, so here are some timelines:

• Last saw her 2 full months ago
• Last conversation with her before the cat was 1 week after that 2 months, and it was her telling me she had new bosses for me to beat next time I visited, and liking my Insta story
• The most recent, and last time she responded to me was 3 weeks ago, telling me she was still emotionally unwell and has had a hard time talking to people, that things have been getting worse not better, and that there's nothing I can do right now
• 2 weeks ago she read my message asking how she's doing, did not respond

Now, she's been online pretty much every day. She doesn't look at my stuff anymore, and doesn't post her own stuff, but she's following more accounts so she is doing SOMETHING.

What I kinda want to do is if I don't hear from her at all this week either I'd probably drive over to see what's up.

At this point, I don't feel like I'd be losing anything that's not already gone. I do like the girl and I'd prefer to keep seeing her, but if she's changed her mind about things I'd like to be made aware of that.

Objectively I know this is "wrong" because I should be meeting other women and having abundance and letting her grieve, but it's been 2 months over a cat that she's only had for 6 months - if that is the true nature of her absence.

So let me know if you'd strongly advise against this for some reason, but that's what's on my mind currently.

She found someone else buddy. If I had to bet. And it’s unfortunate if it’s true that you had these feelings for her that you suppressed and relegated your relationship to her to purely physical. You may want to look into that. Does this happen often, where you lose contact and then don’t realize it until it’s too late that something you cared about is gone and not coming back?

 

[New_Journey]

Everyone grieves differently. I am still grieving my dad's passing 10 years ago in some form or fashion; I also lost my mom and I lost my brother a couple of years ago. My precious dog died many years ago as well.

Holy $hit, did you guys have an accident or some $hit like that and you were the only survivor?