Logged in to facebook to download all my data -- to see THIS ??!!

[Boilermaker]

I dated her for 6 years. LDR/LTR/ FVCKED UP DR/ whatever you call it, I had it..
I practically married this girl. At the time I knew her, she had no directions in life, she was going to settle for a lousy Math Teacher position at a private institution. I was going for grad school; I encouraged her, helped her, filled her applications, wrote her emails, care about her whims ,anything, anything, socially, emotionally, financially, I supported her at ANY turning point in her life. Heck, I left my old car to her, I truly cared about this girl. Now she's a PhD Candidate. And believe me, I KNOW every INCH of that road.

She was 2 years older, and family-marriage oriented, and I didn't want to marry because it was just too soon, I didn't have experience, and after all that I had done, I hadn't wanted to sign a life-long commitment form with her. She was OK, in many respects, she was a good "wife" ..

We recently ended or relationship, and I had a Facebook account back then. If you "marry" someone for 6 years; you end up having 200 mutual friends in Facebook. I had many dear friends that I had lost contact earlier, in Facebook. I volunteered to deactivate my account because I knew if she'd see something about me, it would be heart shattering for her.

I left many good friends with whom I had no other means to communicate, and I still think Facebook is just a lousy gossip club. A friend told me the other day; to go back and collect my data, it turns out facebook now allows you to download everything you have up there ..

And what did I see ? .. My ex is "In a Relationship" with some dude who I remember quite well ..

He was hitting on her and I was warning her about this, not long, only 2 months ago.. Now the stalker becomes the lover, turns out, they have a "song", and all that itty bitty "likes" and other sh!t that goes on in facebook ..

And she has no problems of announcing this to the entire world ... ! I don't know you guys, but I think it's just fvcked up.

This is not somebody I fooled around for a week and dumped, she was with me for years ..

I know it's all normal and OK, we are not together blah blah, but what kind of sh!tty world is this ?.. Is it too gay to care about little details ? Like refraining from revealing your sex life in a PUBLIC website ?..

So Ok, I get it , you fvck this guy. But why the need to make it public ?

Fvck this, and fvck this world.

 

[jophil28]

\So Ok, I get it , you fvck this guy. But why the need to make it public ?

Fvck this, and fvck this world.

IT could have been worse - you could have married her and fathered her children .

BM you are seeing how some women lack any committment to honorable behavior in regard to respecting the LTR that they recently left ,and the guy who spent all that time in it .
IT is as if a 'switch' flicks to OFF in their head and they jump into the next adrenaline pumping adventure that comes along.
Their 'feelings' rule, dude.

Tough break man, however at the risk of flogging a comforting but trite message - you dodged a bullet

 

[Boilermaker]

wow. yeah i agree, you two were together for six years and she got over you so quickly. this is what i hate about facebook sometimes, it can create all sorts of **** for people.
if i were you, i'd delete her from facebook, you can still stay as friends with those other mutual friends. but the best way for "revenge" or so called, is to become better, live better, be happier. you know if you really desperate make a fake facebook account of some cute girl and write that you two are in a relationship then have her write all these comments on your wall. but bottom line is, just remove her from your life completely. she's made it obvious that she doesn't give a damn about you anymore. so don't care about her.

I am non-existent in Facebook. I was temporarily on and turned it permanently off this time.

I am not going to make a desperate attempt like that; I am just disgusted at this point.

She's made it obvious that she doesn't have any sense of respect and would do anything to get her attention bars filled up.

 

[runner83]

Yes, well life's tough, but this is the best way to move on:

the best way for "revenge" or so called, is to become better, live better, be happier.

Interesting that she hooked up with another guy so soon, and it made me wonder (since it didn't seem to be explicit in your original post) who actually ended it...

 

[Zunder]

Just about facebook in general.
I'm still on Facebook, but I have removed all photos of me (and family) but one - and it is of me at the pub having a beer. Thats it.
I no longer post status updates, and if I comment on anyone I make it short and to the point, and try to be somewhat funny but not over the top.
But really I guess I shouldn't be on the facebook thing at all as I know it really is just a HUGE attn vvhore thing for women, and afcs'.
Gawd some of these women....no, GIRLS, talk a whole lot of inane bullsh!t on fcbk.

 

[Boilermaker]

IT could have been worse - you could have married her and fathered her children .

BM you are seeing how some women lack any committment to honorable behavior in regard to respecting the LTR that they recently left ,and the guy who spent all that time in it .
IT is as if a 'switch' flicks to OFF in their head and they jump into the next adrenaline pumping adventure that comes along.
Their 'feelings' rule, dude.

Tough break man, however at the risk of flogging a comforting but trite message - you dodged a bullet

Thanks, Jophil. You have this precious gift..Whatever you say is soothing, however you say it. I really believe that I dodged a bullet.

Honorable behavior in an LTR must not depend on whether or not the other person is "complying" to your needs ...

They always find a way to be "right" always! I'll be a happy man if I can get ONE WOMAN (including my mother) to take responsibility of her actions and apologize in their relationship with men, only ONCE ...!

They think when it's about relationships, everything is fair game. Like war.

I am already feeling better, thanks for your post Uncle

 

[Boilermaker]

Yes, well life's tough, but this is the best way to move on:



Interesting that she hooked up with another guy so soon, and it made me wonder (since it didn't seem to be explicit in your original post) who actually ended it...

It was originally her decision. But I now know that it was a grand sh!t test. She was trying to "get to the next level" and used the mother-of-all-bombs.

And I didn't blink a second, and I used the opportunity to end it. and later on, we called it "We actually took a mutual decision" ..

But from her subsequent spiteful behavior, sometimes through friends and sometimes directly against me, I felt that she wasn't entirely happy about it.

Lastly, I couldn't stop myself and I found an excuse to call her today (about her left-over stuff in my place {{ we live in different cities now }}) and briefly brought up "his new boyfriend" ..

She started crying and told me it was all my fault because -- I 'll write this one in bold --

I couldn't be strong and I preferred to hand her over to others!

then she said there's nothing to talk about, and she added that I could donate her stuff to GoodWill and she hung up.

let me ask you guys now,

Can you believe her ? It's just unbelievable.

Isn't this a prime text-book example of how UNACCOUNTABLE and CONNIVING creatures women really are ?...

It's my fault she hooked up with the first guy that hit on her ..

 

[Falcon25]

Stop expecting people to live up to your character. People are just fuvked up man, especially this day and age. He was pursuing her and now he got her, it's a different life now. I saw the same stuff on myspace about six years ago. I almost married her, and the guy she hooked up with after was a friend of her best friend (which I knew some shivt was going down). The world is a dark and lonesome place is you let these things get to you. Just smile and move on. It's a life that's in the past.

Of course she's gonna say that, she doesn't want to blame herself. Ever heard a woman take the blame for anything? She's not gonna say anything that will hurt her. She doesn't want to seem like a sluvt.

 

[jophil28]

I I couldn't be strong and I preferred to hand her over to others!
..

She certainly has acquired the cunning female gift of shifting fault and accountability across to the male.

There are two criticisms and some serious shaming in the above .
She is accusing you of being weak and shaming you for it in the first half of the sentence, and then she piles on some more guilting by suggesting that your lack of committment revealed itself when you readily "handed her over to others" as if she were merely some inconvenience to you.
You are being accused of callous disregard.

BM, you were there through all this -you can buy into her attempts to wage some revenge filled hate or you can believe your own account of events, give it the value it deserves, and walk away with your dignity intact.


March on, soldier.

 

[squirrels]

The way I see it, that kind of crap is PRECISELY why you left her in the first place. You said yourself that she had no interest in REAL life and that while you wasted time trying to promote her advancement, she frittered it away on inane sh!t.

So she's f*cking someone else. Why does that burn you so bad? Is it your "Don Juan pride"?

We'd all like to think that every woman we've been with thinks of us as the "best she's ever had"...that when she finds a new man to f**k, every time he gives it to her, she's thinking of you the whole time.

Fat chance, casanova. It doesn't work that way. The mind of a woman is fickle. They don't take time to think about whether where they ARE is better than where they WERE...they just go where the wind takes them.

You could very well BE the best thing that's ever tried to happen to her...but in her mind, you're "back there" somewhere. Until one day when her children are grown enough to sort of take care of themselves and she FINALLY finds a SCRAP of time to sit down and think, she will never stop to consider this...and when she does, she will lament only briefly...then look for something else to capture her attention.

It's amazing what kind of creatures we are...always judging ourselves in the esteem of our peers. It really is a shame that women at some point became regarded as "peers", because they wield judgment in the most cavalier way. They don't judge a man's words or actions by whether they are noble or sensible or courageous...instead they judge them by whether they further HER immediate desires.

I know you want to second-guess yourself because you're stunned that she could be "so happy" with another guy...and he with her...but you don't know how "happy" he is with her. Chances are he's just a hapless victim who couldn't see coming what you saw. I envy the ignorant only for their ability to be happy amidst the "fail". I don't envy the "fail" itself. Ask yourself...would you want to switch places with him? Take on his life?

Probably not. Buck up...you're doing OK.

 

[Miles28]

Prodigy,

I don't know why you're calling the OP a loser. He has every right to be aggrieved. They were in a serious, long-term relationship. He helped her with many things.

He isn't disputing that she has a right to be in a new relationship but anyone with any modicum of class or sensitivity wouldn't have plastered it on Facebook.

The lack of accountability for women is something I have only recently begun to fully grasp and it is..... astonishing.

Miles

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

BOILERMAKER, you want to know what's really upsetting you? If you're honest with yourself the root of it is this; 6 years of the prime of your life are gone; spent with one woman who lacked the capacity to appreciate all of your White Knighting for her. This has got to be one of the most tragic results of the Matrix-think that's perpetrated on young men. They're so wrapped up in the fairy tale monogamy they've been conditioned for that they'll sacrifice all of the incredible options, ambition and potential just to "make it work." Tragic. Of course she's with this new guy. Emotional vampires need a constant supply of attention.

The good news is you're still young and you shouldn't have much problem realigning yourself. You need to unlearn what you've been conditioned to.

 

[zekko]

I understand your being hurt, but I really don't see what the problem is. You guys broke up. You don't have any claim on each other anymore. Now you're upset because she's moved on? That's what you should be doing.

I also think you'd be better off putting her on no contact rather than staying in touch with her. Talking to her just delays the healing. If she lives far away that should just make it easier.

I'm also beginning to think it's bad luck to ever help a woman advance her career. You're just giving her a step up, which makes her look higher on up the ladder.

 

[azanon]

Boilermaker,

Hey I'm glad you found this website, because there's some good information here to help you move away from the AFC behavior such as what is exhibited in your post. The links at the bottom of the message board are what I'm referring to.

It's hard to decide where to start with you. You say in your post, "I know we broke up/ended the relationship, but...." meaning you admit knowing that what happens afterwards not only doesn't matter, but is perfectly ok, YET proceed to whine about exactly that happening! For starters, where the hell are you getting the expectation that she has to wait X number of days, months, or years before moving on from you? To use an analogy, what is the proper amount of time needed to mourn a lost love one? TRICK QUESTION. However much time you need. For me, it would be a few hours.

If you ask me, you should actually respect this woman. A weak woman would whine incessantly over losing you for days or months on end, and would perhaps never be the same again. You must have had a good one. She was able to put a loss behind her quickly and move on with her life. She sounds like me! Powerful, in control....

There's one reason a DJ would deactivate a facebook account. Because it would be to HIS benefit. Quit worrying about anyone else, including "respect for your former girlfriend/pseudo wife", and start living life on your terms. Seriously dude, post less, and work on this AFC thing you have alive and well.

Why are you even looking at her facebook page? Rephrased, what part of moving on are you not understanding. To use a favorite expression of mine, you should only care about 2 things that might appear on her facebook page. That would be jack and s***. If you care about anything else, pause and reflect on your AFCness.

There's nothing wrong with the world. This world couldn't possibly be designed any better for those armed with the tools to exploit it. There are strong people (these are few) and there are weak people (these are many). I assure you with total confidence in my opinion that you are currently the latter. I'd be bold enough to even say that a DJ simply doesn't whine at all. I can't think of any example where a DJ would be warranted to do so.

 

[betheman]

Your ego has taken a big hit BM, you now realise this fragile, female isnt so bloody fragile at all, not so helpless AND she has made you feel responsible for it!
I really dont think all women are like this but spotting the ones that are....that is the task!
you have enabled this woman to be what she is, she has fed off you emotionally, the bloodsucker has a new victim.
you have to own up a little here, you were AFC! Im not having a dig, been there myself and it pulls your guts out.
Learn the lesson well and you will be stronger and this shouldnt happen again.

 

[azanon]

I'm a little surprised that most here (including RT) are thinking of this woman as weak/undesirable. If I read the post right, she's "A Ph. D. Candidate", with 200 friends, that also has the ability to move on with her life after a relationship ended. Hey Boilermaker, was she hot too? Anyway, what's not to like?

 

[L B]

Not to kick you while you're down op, but you two are not together anymore. She can do whatever the hell she wants. You didn't give her what she wanted, so she ended the relationship. You also agreed to it. In the real world, there is no cool down period after a break up. Whatever happens, happens.

One relationship I had years ago that ended. It ended because the girl got too comfortable with the relationship. We had no problem, no argument. It was perfect to me at the time. I was very faithful and never cheated on her. But she got bored. We agree to end it and become friends. That night I went out to party with my buddy and hooked up with some girl. I can't even remember the face of that girl for the life of me. So the ex and I were good friends for a few days until she found out about my night out. She got pissed and made it known to the world. I was like wtf? She caused so much drama for the next couple of weeks that I had to let go of my mutual friends because nothing is worst than a woman bent on revenge.

She got what she wanted (the breakup) and was pissed that I didn't "respect" the relationship enough to wait a few weeks or months too hook up with someone else. All I know was that the relationship ended, I don't owe her anything.

OP, what does she owe you? Do you want validation for time and energy spent on the relationship? All relationships are a gamble. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. In this case you give up the married life for personal freedom. Did you benefit more or did you lose more?

 

[Boilermaker]

Ask yourself...would you want to switch places with him? Take on his life?

Probably not. Buck up...you're doing OK.

Yes, I really wouldn't want to switch places with him, after my phone call it seems clear that he's victim of her calculated rebound behavior.
Waking up today, I feel that I care less, and I am coming to the conclusion that it's really for the best.

BOILERMAKER, you want to know what's really upsetting you? If you're honest with yourself the root of it is this; 6 years of the prime of your life are gone; spent with one woman who lacked the capacity to appreciate all of your White Knighting for her. This has got to be one of the most tragic results of the Matrix-think that's perpetrated on young men. They're so wrapped up in the fairy tale monogamy they've been conditioned for that they'll sacrifice all of the incredible options, ambition and potential just to "make it work." Tragic. Of course she's with this new guy. Emotional vampires need a constant supply of attention.

Precisely. I spent 6 years of my life... I waited her, didn't cheat on her, delayed my improvement in many many areas of my life... and for what ?...
To be shamed and vilified in the end.. Because I couldn't be strong! .. This is what drives me mad, she was the same girl 6 years ago, and I knew it. It was visible. But now I am loose. Now watch what I am doing to the NEXT one that comes along ..

I understand your being hurt, but I really don't see what the problem is. You guys broke up. You don't have any claim on each other anymore. Now you're upset because she's moved on? That's what you should be doing.

I also think you'd be better off putting her on no contact rather than staying in touch with her. Talking to her just delays the healing. If she lives far away that should just make it easier.

I'm also beginning to think it's bad luck to ever help a woman advance her career. You're just giving her a step up, which makes her look higher on up the ladder.

There's no problem. Nobody said there's a problem. But why would she cry and blame me immediately if she TRULY moved on? ... She didn't move on. And I genuinely don't care at this moment. I was thinking about HER life and goals more than I ever thought about myself. I worked my ass of all my life and she was starting at square-one when we met. I handled everything with a super-human effort. I think some of you guys are not really appreciating the fact that we were the two of us for 6 fvcking years..! OF course there's no problem .. It's Facebooking, and her choice of partner, and her way of handling the whole thing that are disgusting ..

It's hard to decide where to start with you. You say in your post, "I know we broke up/ended the relationship, but...." meaning you admit knowing that what happens afterwards not only doesn't matter, but is perfectly ok, YET proceed to whine about exactly that happening! For starters, where the hell are you getting the expectation that she has to wait X number of days, months, or years before moving on from you? To use an analogy, what is the proper amount of time needed to mourn a lost love one? TRICK QUESTION. However much time you need. For me, it would be a few hours.

Look, I know I am just one of those "posts" that you come and read, but just stop for a second and give it a second's think. I was with her for 6 years, and it ended less than 2 months ago. In October 20 I was in Florida, helping her find her new apartment, arranging her car, helping her get started in FSU, etc.. etc..

I did these intentionally, I loved this woman. OF COURSE, there's no X number of days of waiting time before she moves on. IF her intentions had been to really MOVE ON, then she would have been much more delicate and careful about the whole thing.

She's spiteful, regrets that her sh!t test failed, she tries to blame me for all of it. She hasn't shown her ability to move on in a relationship, she has just revealed her real self.

.. which is probalby not to be hated. But I am sorry; I couldn't help it.

Yes, I was a big time AFC. But it was ME who jumped out of this boat. And I sticked to my decision and NEVER considered going back. This is a last desperate stab and it hurt .. That's all there's to it, otherwise I agree with whatever you say.

What does she owe you?

That's a good question. Maybe she should sit down and answer that question herself. I am not even going to try. I mean, I can't describe it here really. I was the biggest white knight she might have ever seen, and maybe she will have ever seen.

You see, I am not mad at her getting together with someone. I am mad, because she PUT it up there on purpose JUST TO say "you handed me over" later on.

This is what really burns me. She's not moving on. She's spiteful and ungrateful.

 

[Boilermaker]

We'd all like to think that every woman we've been with thinks of us as the "best she's ever had"...that when she finds a new man to f**k, every time he gives it to her, she's thinking of you the whole time.

Fat chance, casanova. It doesn't work that way. The mind of a woman is fickle. They don't take time to think about whether where they ARE is better than where they WERE...they just go where the wind takes them.

You could very well BE the best thing that's ever tried to happen to her...but in her mind, you're "back there" somewhere. Until one day when her children are grown enough to sort of take care of themselves and she FINALLY finds a SCRAP of time to sit down and think, she will never stop to consider this...and when she does, she will lament only briefly...then look for something else to capture her attention.

It's amazing what kind of creatures we are...always judging ourselves in the esteem of our peers. It really is a shame that women at some point became regarded as "peers", because they wield judgment in the most cavalier way. They don't judge a man's words or actions by whether they are noble or sensible or courageous...instead they judge them by whether they further HER immediate desires.

It's a hard thought to swallow, but I think I have done it. You are absolutely right. I don't know what really burned me so bad, I think Rollo's assessment is very accurate.
I don't REALLY (believe me on this) care if she's with someone else. In fact that'd make me happy. I don't see her. It's the feeling that everything I have done for this relationship and for her is a waste. She's not appreciating it. She's not ending in good terms. How could it be different? She could have AT LEAST respected me for my white knight behavior and be just a little grateful. I'd have declared victory if I had achieved THIS much, with this woman. Anything else is OK - I am over it.

I should have outed years ago. And lots of people tried to get to me. I got to a very bad point with my brother and father at different stages because they tried to remind me ... that this resistance is futile .. I am wasting my and her time ..

But it wasn't easy. And I am out. I am finally free. I think this is what's really important.

 

[squirrels]

It's not "disrespect" for a girl to express happiness about dating another guy once she's broken up with you. I mean, suppose you were dating a girl who had been dating/living with/married to some other guy and she refused to talk about YOU in deference to HIM because "he did so much for her". Wouldn't YOU feel cheated?

Too much of that on this forum. Some things are going to hurt your feelings in life...it happens. But just because your feelings are hurt doesn't mean that someone is "disrespecting" you. There's always that instinct to get even, to "demand satisfaction" when your pride is injured...but sometimes the only person who can give you that satisfaction is yourself.

Life is a "waste" in the grand scheme of things. You trying to give joy to another human being isn't "wasteful"...but sitting around lamenting it is.

I'm glad you're coming around. Now go get you some.