Life should not be this hard (for the socially unadjusted)

[GQ_Confidence_1]

I'm worried about some of you guys that are 18, 19, 20, 21 years old or older and you've never gone out, dated, kissed a girl, or have done anything social in a long time. I don't think you realize just how isolated you are, and the toll that it takes on socializing and meeting new people.

If you’re in a real serious hole (and I’d consider past 20-21 and not going out a hole), you’ve got some work to do if you want to get better.

-You’ve got to genuinely care about yourself and your well being. I’ve seen posts on here about ..”well, I can’t do that. I can’t talk to her, it’s just not that easy. I’m this, I’m ___, I’m a fat computer nerd,…. in 8th grade, I had this happen to me…you just don’t understand.”

No one is holding you down. No one is keeping you where you are. No one is restricting where you go or who you meet in life. You are your own worst enemy.

If you’re the prototypical “computer nerd that can’t get girls”, change it! Your #1 priority shouldn’t be memorizing a bunch of lines, and then running back home to the computer if you get rejected.

Your priority should be, get out of the house. Go on a walk, do something everyday. I think a lot of depression and social anxiety comes from inactivity. No one is going to tell you that you don’t have enough to do everyday. You’ve got to pick yourself up, realize it, and change it.

I think what hurts a lot of guys on this site (and guys on other sites dealing with shyness and social anxiety) is that you’re just not comfortable with your life.

In going from non social to social, my big epiphany has been..."there's nothing wrong." There's nothing wrong. There's nothing out of place if I talk to someone. Your interactions with people should be automatic, you shouldn't even have to think about it. Inviting someone to the movies should be as automatic as opening your front door.

Watch old tv shows or movies. Watch I Love Lucy re-runs. When Fred and Ethel come over to Lucys to visit, there's nothing wrong. I see this all the time with people I know, when they invite someone over for dinner or to go out to a movie. Nothing is the matter, nothing is out of place. It's just the most natural thing in the world.

Every guy on this site could be going out constantly, talking to women everyday, with a minimum of a half dozen girls to choose from to $%&*. If you applied 10% of the DJ Bible, you’d be light years ahead of everyone else.

You don’t have to go out and pump yourself up with *confidence*, the way you’d stick a needle in your arm and pump yourself up with steroids. “There’s nothing wrong” is all the confidence you need.

I was in the supermarket last week and I looked through People Magazine as I waited in line. In it, was a photo of Shaun White (the snowboarder) having lunch with Heidi Klum. He’s no Brad Pitt, he’s kind of a weird looking guy. But there he was, having lunch with this knockout in a fancy Beverly Hills restaurant. She looked like she was having fun. What a cool moment that would be! Lunch with a super model on a great looking day in Southern California.

Can you imagine what that would turn into on here?!? Can you imagine the nightmare?!?

OMG, OMG, what do I say to her?? When do I call?? How do I act?? OMG, this HB 9 needs EC for 5 seconds, then transition to EV, then C&F. OMG, what if Seal comes over? How should I act?

I don’t want to make fun, because I’ve been on the other side of this advice, but my god, people make it in life. You shouldn’t be going through life like a robot, analyzing every 3rd thing you do and adjusting it like some kind of machine.

See the sunrise. See blue skys and the birds going overhead. In Southern California having lunch with Heidi Klum, it doesn’t get much better than that.

-Socialzing and meeting others shouldn’t be an experiment to you. It shouldn’t be a highschool chemistry class, where you pour a little of this and a little of that into a glass jar to get a result. If you want to feel “normal” in social situations, you’ve got to see it as completely normal.

Yesterday, I was in this girls bedroom, she had just gotten a new cat that she wanted to show me. It was just the most natural thing in the world. Natural, effortless kino. Naturally sitting on the bed together, legs right against each other. VERY comfortable with each other. We goofed around, I played around with a cap on her head. She’s just a friend, but it was still a fun afternoon.

You’ve got a chance to be in someones life. You can have an impact on their life and change it for the better. That’s a hell of a lot more rewarding than running around memorizing a bunch of acroynms and lines and turning life into a blur of techniques.

These are real people that you’re with. You’ve got to see them as such if you want to feel a connection with them. Support them. Pick them up when they’re down. You can do all the kino you want when you put your hand on your friends back, and just be there as a friend.

-People follow your lead in life. They mirror whatever you give them. If you give them, shy, reclusive, there’s something wrong with me, I don’t fit in, I’m weird, then that’s exactly what you’ll get back. And not an ounce more.

At age 28, I’ve realized that life is just a mirror reflection, you can’t escape it. It follows you wherever you go; it never lets up. Whatever you put out, you get back.

If you care about others, others will care about you back. If you tell someone that you love them, they’ll say the same to you. It’s real easy to feel good in life with that kind of equation.

It goes back to feeling comfortable with your life, and there’s nothing “wrong”. You can become very, VERY comfortable around women when you go through life like this. You can get into some outrageous situations, flirting with more women than you know what to do with.

Asking a woman out doesn’t have to be this trumped up production. You don’t need a marching band playing with fireworks in the background to get a girls number. It should be automatic. It should be effortless. People do it all the time.

I hope you guys just take a deep breath and open your eyes up socially and see more possibilities out there. Much success guys.

 

[mastersF]

Totally agree with you man. Thumbs up

 

[whistler]

Excellent

 

[Gubby]

This is already my idea of the way I need to think, but somehow it really means something to hear it from someone else. Thanks man, you've helped me.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

meh, I did a text search for "deadlifts" and nothing came up, so i won't bother reading.

 

[realsmoothie]

"there's nothing wrong". An interesting statement, and when I read it I can't help but remember Ricky's own epiphany from "American Beauty":

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. "

Life changed for me the moment I saw this scene, honestly. It was a crappy rainy November day, I was seeing this movie on my own because no one else I know was into anything except action or comedy. I walked out of there elated, almost crying. So when you say "there's nothing wrong", and give the example of just sitting there with that girl and her cat, I can see exactly what you mean.

Great post. Thanks for reminding me.

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

When you haven't socialized for awhile or had friends, it's very easy to slip into this pattern of thinking..."but there's something wrong with me."

I'm a "nice guy". I'm this. I'm that. I'm ___.

You silently go through life thinking...but there's just something the matter with me. I shouldn't have this behavior. I'm doing something wrong.

Some of you guys are disqualifying yourself from the game of life with this horrible self image. You don't follow through as a result. You don't ask girls out. You don't go for the kino, you don't go for the kiss.

I would bet that most guys on here felt "normal" to some extent as kids. You had birthday parties, you played with your friends outside. There was nothing "wrong" or the matter. None of you guys were on the internet at age 10, 11, 12 debating all this stuff. You're out doing stuff automatically; for me, that's where I wanted to get back to.

The less you think about it, the better off you'll be. I've socialized more in the last year, than in the last 5 years combined. Once you get in the rhythm of it, you realize...what's the big deal?

 

[fertileTurtle]

I got such a positive vibe from this post. Thankyou GQ, I'll be looking out for more good stuff from you in the future. In the mean time, keep it going.

 

[Automatic]

This really makes an awful lot of sense. Many things that really seem natural to others are so very difficult to me. In fact, I can see that there is nothing wrong with doing them, and they should be natural. I am of course talking about getting a girl's number, going on dates, etc... Thank you for the good post.

 

[Labourer]

nice posts, that's exactly how you should be thinking, I always used to be a confident person - i.e. comfortable with myself, not caring about what anyone thought of me, over the last fews years my confidence just dropped, I know the reasons but I won't go in them, slowly pulling myself together and this post really helped, cheers!

 

[KanajoGaHoshi]

I would bet that most guys on here felt "normal" to some extent as kids. You had birthday parties, you played with your friends outside. There was nothing "wrong" or the matter. None of you guys were on the internet at age 10, 11, 12 debating all this stuff. You're out doing stuff automatically; for me, that's where I wanted to get back to.

The less you think about it, the better off you'll be. I've socialized more in the last year, than in the last 5 years combined. Once you get in the rhythm of it, you realize...what's the big deal?

I didn't play with friends outside when I was growing up. I spent most of my time playing Atari, Nintendo, Sega, etc. Even when I was in pre-school, I normaly sat away from group of kids and isolated myself. So this "most natural thing in the world" isn't so natural for some people. Growing up I got picked on for being the biggest kid in each grade up till 6th, and probably had about a couple of friends in all. Plus I become somewhat of a bully since I got picked on, so that didn't help me either.

Granted, I know the original poster is trying to make a point to relax and do things naturaly, but some of us haven't even experienced what is "natural". I started working out a month ago, w/good diet/ in hopes to hieghten my self confidence, but it's been a no go. I'm in better shape with 9% body fat, but I still have yet to get myself to approach girls I see around campus, even if they are checking me out. I've been noticing it more lately, and I feel even more shy when they do.

I'm seeing a counseler right now about these problems, and I'm trying to work through it. One week at a time.

/Side note: I've posted here before, but I noticed my name came up on google search, so I changed it for that reason/

 

[BlaKTooth]

The main post is 100% gold.


Most people read this site to build up courage to talk to girls. But the problem isnt how they talk to the girls...


Thinking that they can't talk to girls IS the problem.

Probably want to read that line again and comprehend what its saying.


Stephen Covey talks about this idea constantly in his book The Seven Habits. One example he gives is of his son. While his son was growing up, he was a total, unadjusted loser. No friends, horrible grades, no sports skills.


He and his wife tried everything to get their son normal, to teach him to be successful. They'd go to every baseball game, practice for hours, tutor him, etc. Nothing worked.


Until they realized the problem. Since they saw their son as socially awkward, he was socially awkward. Even though they were trying to get their son to be normal, they always subconsciously communicated "you are inadequate" to him.


They decided to instead to focus on themselves, and believe that their son was okay. That he was normal.

And with that, their son started to believe he was normal too.

So what happened?


He grew up to be an all-state athlete, got straight A's, became the head of several student leadership organizations, and developed an excellent social life. Zero to hero.




"How you see the problem IS the problem."

 

[Jack McCrack]

You don't even have your age in your profile.

 

[temujin108]

thanks for the read , i appreciate this

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

I don't know about you guys, but I had a very different experience of life when I was a kid.

I wasn't super outgoing. I wasn't the type to run for class president or anything like that, but things just seemed to flow. I had my ups and downs, I had some friends move away, I did dumb things, like playing baseball in my driveway (with a real baseball) and breaking a bathroom window.

When I think of the kids in my elementary school, there were outgoing ones, shy ones, the trouble makers. Just a regular cross section of kids. But I don't think anyone was *that* alienated from society. You guys are in your 20's and grew up in the 80's and 90's, wasn't it more optimistic then?

I went out for Halloween for a while, and people were just out doing stuff. No one had to memorize 34 different things and call at just the right time for girls to go out with them.

I see guys here that try so hard and end up very disappointed. And then it seems like there's "everyone else" who is just out doing stuff and there's nothing wrong. WTF??

I got into Tony Robbins, personal growth and then as an off shoot, this site and others to try and improve my life. For me at least, this "personal growth" philosophy puts too much pressure on you to be doing everything at all times. I don't want to live like that.

The more rules you have towards friendship, people, women, dating, and life in general, the harder it'll be on you. You've got to have 32 things happen for you to be validated and for you to be accepted.

I met a woman a few years ago that made things so easy. Great personality, warm, friendly. She "collected" friends (in her words). She went through life so easy going, I had only known her casually for a few months and got invited to her birthday party. She made it seem so effortless. She probably had 50-75 people at that party (I couldn't go).

Then there's other people (i.e. on here), smart, educated, motivated, all these things, sitting at home, lonely and isolated, some really depressed. What can you say....I don't know guys...

 

[Cod3r]

Here lies YOUR problem mate...

You are viewing the world through YOUR eyes, you are explaining YOUR reality. So you were a normal kid growing up, so was i, but that dosen't mean the next person on this board was...

Wat if his dad emotionally wasn't there for him ?? Or his mom was murdered at the age of 5 ?? Or he was molested or unloved ?? Or 10000000 other things which were not apart of YOUR reality, but are apart of theres...

It isn't as easy as you make it out to be for most people. I was where you're at when I was in the prime of my game, I'd look at some of the people here and just call them 'losers' and wonder why they can't do the things I can do, but the truth of the matter is that, some of them never will be able to... plain and simple and for others, they may be able to do it but it'll take them YEARS AND YEARS of practice and experience just to get to a reasonable level, let alone anything great... harsh but true...

--
For me, sex has never been a big deal... sex with the model during fashionweek is my problem, but for the next guy kissing may not be a problem for him, but sex may be his deal, and for the next talking to girl may not be his problem, but kissing is his crutch and ect.... down to the poor guy who can't open up to anyone male or female...

You're assuming every guy has the same natural traits and that may be true, but those traits are hidden during years of childhood experience. If I was in the popular group at school when I was 4 or 5, most likely interacting within multiple cliques in HS and college won't be a big deal for me... but if I was made fun of and an outcast, interacting with people will be harder... It's unfair to just say "just go do it" wats the big deaL.....

That's like telling a man with no legs, just get up and walk... wats the deal ?? It's not only ignorant its also harmful because you raise their expectations of themselves and when they ultimately fail (since u've not taken the time to address each of their problems individually) its a monumental fall and it'll have long-term consequences for their lives....

You're blessed with being normal, I'm blessed with being normal... but alot of the guys on here just aren't normal (no fault of there own) they need MUCH more help than a website can offer them, they need professional help and i'm not saying that in a badway, they need some serious therapy plain and simple. I've read posts of people who were damn near suicidal because of lonliness or because they have had ZERO interactions with girls...

Telling them 'just do it' is arrogant to say the least and ignorant to say the most


-Cod3r

 

[rsxtreme]

I’ve realized that life is just a mirror reflection, you can’t escape it. It follows you wherever you go; it never lets up. Whatever you put out, you get back.

wow best thing ive read all day. good post too

 

[THE_ADDMAN]

this is an excellent post

props

 

[realsmoothie]

It isn't as easy as you make it out to be for most people. I was where you're at when I was in the prime of my game, I'd look at some of the people here and just call them 'losers' and wonder why they can't do the things I can do, but the truth of the matter is that, some of them never will be able to... plain and simple and for others, they may be able to do it but it'll take them YEARS AND YEARS of practice and experience just to get to a reasonable level, let alone anything great... harsh but true...


-Cod3r

I don't think he's saying it's "easy" for everyone... he's saying that a lot of us make it hard on ourselves. He's not prescribing anything or saying to "just do it". His post is more of a mood piece that establishes how the universe works... kind of a buddhist "be like water" thing.

I don't think it's arrogant at all. He's being very sympathetic.

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

Cod3r,

I'm just sharing some experiences and insights. Nothing more.

Some of the people here do need counseling or therapy. But not everyone. There's 23,000 members on this board. I've gone to other shyness or social anxiety boards, and there's alot of people out there. If what I share can help only 1 person, cool. I would encourage everyone to at least put your experiences out there, if you help only a few people out, it's worth it.

From personal experience, I know how fast life can go by and things can start to get out of hand. Middle school and highschool weren't my best times (to put it mildly), then you're 18-19-20 with poor social skills and a poor self image. Another few years go by, and you're getting behind in life. I'm 28, but more like 21-22-23 psychologically at least.

I didn't talk to a girl on the phone until I was 18/19. If you took the average life story on this site, I'd be placed right in the middle. I look back on all that now and I think..."wow, I made life hard". After more life experience, I've had this epiphany like..."ooohhhh, that's how you do it."

If others can relate, awesome.