Life should not be this hard (for the socially unadjusted)

[Cod3r]

Your priority should be, get out of the house. Go on a walk, do something everyday. I think a lot of depression and social anxiety comes from inactivity. No one is going to tell you that you don’t have enough to do everyday. You’ve got to pick yourself up, realize it, and change it.

I think what hurts a lot of guys on this site (and guys on other sites dealing with shyness and social anxiety) is that you’re just not comfortable with your life.

In going from non social to social, my big epiphany has been..."there's nothing wrong." There's nothing wrong. There's nothing out of place if I talk to someone. Your interactions with people should be automatic, you shouldn't even have to think about it. Inviting someone to the movies should be as automatic as opening your front door.

Watch old tv shows or movies. Watch I Love Lucy re-runs. When Fred and Ethel come over to Lucys to visit, there's nothing wrong. I see this all the time with people I know, when they invite someone over for dinner or to go out to a movie. Nothing is the matter, nothing is out of place. It's just the most natural thing in the world[b/].

Read the bolded sentences you wrote... I have problems with those tidbits

Telling people there interactions with people SHOULD be automatic and that its the most natural thing in the world are ignorant because most are going to look at their own life and see these things are NOT automatic and its not sooooooooo natural and ask themselves 'wats wrong with me' ?? There lies the problem...


-Cod3r

 

[DJinTraining06]

Thanks for the that, that just made me think. Ur totally right.

 

[6-heads lewis]

Here lies YOUR problem mate...

You are viewing the world through YOUR eyes, you are explaining YOUR reality. So you were a normal kid growing up, so was i, but that dosen't mean the next person on this board was...

Wat if his dad emotionally wasn't there for him ?? Or his mom was murdered at the age of 5 ?? Or he was molested or unloved ?? Or 10000000 other things which were not apart of YOUR reality, but are apart of theres...

It isn't as easy as you make it out to be for most people. I was where you're at when I was in the prime of my game, I'd look at some of the people here and just call them 'losers' and wonder why they can't do the things I can do, but the truth of the matter is that, some of them never will be able to... plain and simple and for others, they may be able to do it but it'll take them YEARS AND YEARS of practice and experience just to get to a reasonable level, let alone anything great... harsh but true...

--
For me, sex has never been a big deal... sex with the model during fashionweek is my problem, but for the next guy kissing may not be a problem for him, but sex may be his deal, and for the next talking to girl may not be his problem, but kissing is his crutch and ect.... down to the poor guy who can't open up to anyone male or female...

You're assuming every guy has the same natural traits and that may be true, but those traits are hidden during years of childhood experience. If I was in the popular group at school when I was 4 or 5, most likely interacting within multiple cliques in HS and college won't be a big deal for me... but if I was made fun of and an outcast, interacting with people will be harder... It's unfair to just say "just go do it" wats the big deaL.....

That's like telling a man with no legs, just get up and walk... wats the deal ?? It's not only ignorant its also harmful because you raise their expectations of themselves and when they ultimately fail (since u've not taken the time to address each of their problems individually) its a monumental fall and it'll have long-term consequences for their lives....

You're blessed with being normal, I'm blessed with being normal... but alot of the guys on here just aren't normal (no fault of there own) they need MUCH more help than a website can offer them, they need professional help and i'm not saying that in a badway, they need some serious therapy plain and simple. I've read posts of people who were damn near suicidal because of lonliness or because they have had ZERO interactions with girls...

Telling them 'just do it' is arrogant to say the least and ignorant to say the most


-Cod3r

Great post, class act.

Let's not forget legit mental disorders. Try telling an autistic person to 'act natural'. Or a manic depressive to 'suck it up'

Imagine this (true story): you have an embarassing handicap that plagues you everytime you open your mouth, yet it's not physically visible. And what is physically visible is repulsive. When you get made fun of all through school, at some point avoiding bullying becomes priority #1, well ahead of grades, family, parties, etc. Friends and girlfriends are an abstract concept, all of your time and energy is devoted to devising clever schemes to avoid being mocked. The classroom is a warzone, your moves are calculated and methodical. Every day that you manage to avoid humiliation, you've won.

Your shirts are always drenched in sweat, you're awlays on high alert. Tense muscles. Blinking is risky. You've developed extroardinary hearing, razor-sharp at picking up subtle laughter among your peers. Whenever you see someone laughing across the room, you debate whether or not they are laughing at you. They often are. You never raise your hand in class, you never say anything that goes against the norm. Actually, you just never say anything.

Your goal is to be invisible. You agree with everyone about everything, hoping this will cut the conversation and they won't have any reason to make fun of you or get angry at you. You have no identity, no opinions, no feelings. Your 'gift of self' has been robbed.

And then, at 21, your handicap disappears. And coincidentally, you're not quite as ugly. You now realize the luxuries of being 'normal', and are bitter and depressed over the unjust and uncontrollable torment you've suffered the past 10 years... If you could only go back and start all over with your new sense of freedom and hope... But you can't. You're a grown man with the mind of a child, the time of youthful mistakes is long gone, it passed you by. And now it's time to make some friends, and *gasp* even get a girlfriend if you're lucky.

"just act natural", right?

Gee, thanks.

 

[Cod3r]

^ ^ Glad you understand what I'm saying... Plain and simple its not as easy for some people, that's just a fact... Just because it's easy for me, its arrogant to assume it's easy for the next guy



-Cod3r

 

[samaka]

Glad you understand what I'm saying... Plain and simple its not as easy for some people, that's just a fact... Just because it's easy for me, its arrogant to assume it's easy for the next guy

I really don't think the OP is being arrogant. I've read heaps of posts on this board - from techniques to 'chick logic' to field reports. The logic behind all the posts is good but I just can't put it into action.

There are people out there who have the ability to converse, who are smart, funny, motivated, but they can only act it in a platonic or professional manner. The reason behind it is because being sexual is a foreign experience, and for whatever reason they feel bad whenever they are, despite knowing that is completely natural.

This is what plagues me. I'm 22, never had sex, never kissed, never hugged, never held hands, never done anything with sexual intent. I'd say it's a fear of rejection (but I don't know for sure - as it's what I'm trying to overcome at the moment). Regardless, you feel what your doing is wrong (in a distorted sense of the word).

Really, the OP's affirmation has to be given real world examples. It should read:

"There's nothing wrong with touching her on the arm while we talk."
"There's nothing wrong with asking her to go to the movies."
"There's nothing wrong with being ****y and funny."

and most importantly

"There's nothing wrong with her finding out that I like her."


That's my interpretation - maybe I'm reading it differently to you.

 

[de silva]

Here lies YOUR problem mate...

You are viewing the world through YOUR eyes, you are explaining YOUR reality. So you were a normal kid growing up, so was i, but that dosen't mean the next person on this board was...

That's really what virtually everyone on this board does. They are hit with a realization regarding their specific situation, and the next thing you know, they are writing long, rambling posts which they market as the answer to everybody's problems.

Telling them 'just do it' is arrogant to say the least and ignorant to say the most

It really depends on what the 'it' refers to. In anybody's development, there's always a 'next step'. So if the 'it' refers to that next step, I wouldn't call 'just do it' an arrogant piece of advice.

 

[Technical1]

bump!

 

[Mad Manic]

I don't know if anyone else feels like this, maybe they do but they don't mention it because it just doesn't sound right, but I don't think I actually like socialising with people and unless they are very funny or particularly interesting then it doesn't bother me if I'm alone or whatever. You could call me introverted if you wish, but in many circumstances I can be extroverted if there is any interest on my part. From my perspective I see things as very molded, fabricated, society seems almost machine like churning away in the same fashion each day with little to no change. I think that's why it's hard to brake out of habits and 'change', what 'change' really means here is to conform to society's standards of what is acceptable and cool and seen in a positive light. Like very briefly, people already assume going out and drinking means you are 'better' than one who doesn't 'go out and drink' because it's seen as social and extroverted. That's just social brainwashing, as my mum says, 'people in this country don't know how to talk to each other and warm to each other, that's why they need alcohol so badly'. Fair point? Perhaps.

MM

 

[DJ_Matthew]

Screw that, I'd rather stay isolated and pown noobs all day.

 

[Jitterbug]

Life is hard, but we often make it harder on ourselves by setting big expectations. It's easier if we tackle it one small step at at time, and don't go crazy looking for some big bang teach-yourself-in-24h solution to be as good as "that guy".

Some people are natural in a certain field and have it easier. It's hard to understand why other people are struggling with something you find so easy to do. I'm a dancer and people tell me that I'm a natural. I've never thought of myself that way and find it hard to understand why they're struggling with basic posture, footwork and rhythm. I tell them just relax, do this and do that, and you'll be good. Very rarely they would get it. Why can't they? It works for me. It's so easy, I barely have to make any serious effort. Heh.

See what I mean?

 

[DjSoOHain]

NO stfu, life is simple... we human's overcomplicate and oversimplify things.. You learn how to socialize, you make friends, you do fun activities, while doing these activities you meet new people... and etc. I mean what is so complicated about that ? The only reason why you are bitc-hing about this is because you probably have big insecurities or you are the one overcomplecating things.... Life is simple, and it should be simple

 

[comic_relief]

Very good post

comic_relief

 

[wolf116]

I don't know if anyone else feels like this, maybe they do but they don't mention it because it just doesn't sound right, but I don't think I actually like socialising with people and unless they are very funny or particularly interesting then it doesn't bother me if I'm alone or whatever. You could call me introverted if you wish, but in many circumstances I can be extroverted if there is any interest on my part. From my perspective I see things as very molded, fabricated, society seems almost machine like churning away in the same fashion each day with little to no change. I think that's why it's hard to brake out of habits and 'change', what 'change' really means here is to conform to society's standards of what is acceptable and cool and seen in a positive light. Like very briefly, people already assume going out and drinking means you are 'better' than one who doesn't 'go out and drink' because it's seen as social and extroverted. That's just social brainwashing, as my mum says, 'people in this country don't know how to talk to each other and warm to each other, that's why they need alcohol so badly'. Fair point? Perhaps.

MM

I know what you're talking about Mad Manic.

 

[Rob19]

What if your an ugly dude? Where do you go about that

 

[ItsOnNow]

I have had this problem for quite some time now,and I still have not found a way over it. Perhaps I am making too much out of it,I suffer from some of the problems you mentioned. This greatly concerns me. I do feel like I am behind most people,hell,for a while i felt like I was behind 12,13, year olds in some ways. How much of it is true,and how much is just in my head I don't know. I mean,I do want to be the get up and go type of person,not the memorize perfect lines,obsess over every little detail type of person. I am concerned that alot of this may come from too much time on the computer.

 

[HeadStrong]

And then, at 21, your handicap disappears. And coincidentally, you're not quite as ugly. You now realize the luxuries of being 'normal', and are bitter and depressed over the unjust and uncontrollable torment you've suffered the past 10 years... If you could only go back and start all over with your new sense of freedom and hope... But you can't. You're a grown man with the mind of a child, the time of youthful mistakes is long gone, it passed you by. And now it's time to make some friends, and *gasp* even get a girlfriend if you're lucky.

"just act natural", right?

Gee, thanks.

Err....you're only 21!!! Youthful mistakes are over? You can still make mistakes, goof up, whatever! Just try! I think the whole point in the post is that you have to tell yourself you are normal and that your every interaction is completely normal. As long as you don't believe that then it never will be. Only you can make things awkward.

 

[Master Bates]

Err....you're only 21!!! Youthful mistakes are over? You can still make mistakes, goof up, whatever! Just try! I think the whole point in the post is that you have to tell yourself you are normal and that your every interaction is completely normal. As long as you don't believe that then it never will be. Only you can make things awkward.

Yeah, but at 21 you're pretty much at the end of your adolescence. Those years are probably the most influential and formative of your life, and it's difficult to just leave behind any insecurities, anxieties and hang-ups you might have from years of difficulty during your adolescence. The way life treats you during those years pretty much hard-wires your personality for good, and it can be a life long struggle to undo it.

 

[MooseGod]

I think the whole point is "live in the moment." Sure, you may have had a rough childhood, but it's over now. Take a deep breath. Relax. I think the main problem with a lot of "mature" people is that they have forgotten how to just have fun.

None of us know where we're going. We only know where we've been, and where we are now. Make the most of it, you've only got one life to live.

 

[HeadStrong]

Yeah, but at 21 you're pretty much at the end of your adolescence. Those years are probably the most influential and formative of your life, and it's difficult to just leave behind any insecurities, anxieties and hang-ups you might have from years of difficulty during your adolescence. The way life treats you during those years pretty much hard-wires your personality for good, and it can be a life long struggle to undo it.

Hardwires your personality for good? Hell no! You're a pessimist! If this kid really wants to change he will! He will take the steps, go for it, and ACT! Life is about action. College is nothing but prolonged adolescence so its the perfect time to do a 180 b/c most ppl in the college environment are trying to do the exact same thing. Find out who they are, fvck up a little, and of course get an education. Ive seen a lot of people change from hermits to extroverts. It is not unusual and it is not very hard b/c in college you have a trillion opportunities to go to social gatherings and if you completely fvck it up, who gives a fvck!? There's 15,000 other kids at the school, its very likely you may never see that person again!

 

[BChris]

I think the whole point is "live in the moment." Sure, you may have had a rough childhood, but it's over now. Take a deep breath. Relax. I think the main problem with a lot of "mature" people is that they have forgotten how to just have fun.

None of us know where we're going. We only know where we've been, and where we are now. Make the most of it, you've only got one life to live.

Priceless

I truly forgot how to have fun with other people.

Well Im in this situation too and Im 19. In my opinion the real problem here is when a person is introverted because in my experience I dont actually want to quit doing things that I do (reading, blogging, programming, video games) to be talking with someone on the phone. So the problem is that deep inside your mind you want to be introverted but your concience tells you that you should have more friends and a girlfriend. The solution is very simple but the actions are very hard to implement. The solution is to actually decide what you really want to do and what you dont want to do. But implementing this is very hard but obviously not immpossible.

Stop thinking and start doing!