Is there any solution? I feel like there's no good answer for me. It's all a mess

[BergischerLöwe]

By now any of you regulars on here have probably seen my posts about the problems I have meeting women. As the years have gone by it's clear that I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and even after posting on here regularly for the better part of three months looking for advice I'm still left with no answers as to how to solve the problem I'm in. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that trying to date or meet the kind of woman I really want is a futile effort and that it's unrealistic to think that I'll ever achieve my goals as far as my love life. Right now there's major obstacles preventing me from meeting women and I'm not sure if they're even anything I can stop.

Firstly, I've only ever been able to meet women from apps. I've used apps since I was 18 and to this day it's the only way I know how to meet women. However these have tended to be mid tier women that are far more attracted to me than I am to them, most of them were a tier or two below me in looks. Over the past few years I've gotten diminishing returns from apps, in both quality and quantity of matches. Nowadays I'm lucky to get one or two matches a month to the same kind of mid tier women I've mentioned before, and when I message them I either get no reply or the convo fizzes out very fast. Recently I caved and started paying for hinge again but I know it's not going to do me any good. Usually I have nothing in common with the women on dating apps, and this hurts my chances too. I'm more of a niche guy so already only specific kinds of girls would potenially be attracted to me. But most of the time the kinds of girls that swipe right on me are ones I'm not attracted to. Apps are a complete dead end yet I'm forced to rely on them.

Before anyone says "just meet girls in real life, bro", let me explain why that option isn't viable either. To this very day, I have never gotten with any girl that I've initially met irl. It hasn't happened like that at all. I have no experiences of pulling the cute girl from class when I was in college, or hooking up with a woman from a party, or being introduced to a girl via social circle and eventually dating her. I have none of those fundamental experiences with meeting women irl that normal guys are supposed to have. Historically, whenever I've come across a woman irl that I found attractive, I've suppressed my attraction since I always know that nothing will come of trying to pursue her. There have been a couple times where I've gotten girls' numbers irl, but each time that happened the woman approached me first and they were all women who had boyfriends so they were already spoken for. I can count the number of times that's happened on one hand, and every time getting the number was the furthest it went.

I have absolutely no way of meeting women naturally in real life. I can't do cold approach since it's not compatible with my nature as an introvert, and I'm scared to death of being labelled as a creep for trying it. None of the traditional cold approach venues would work for someone like me. I don't like going to bars unless my band has a gig and I wouldn't find the sort of woman I'm looking for there, and the thought of approaching women in public places such as malls and grocery stores is just cringe. There's no way I would ever have any success with cold approach. The learning curve is so steep the I'll just get discouraged and give up, and even if I stick it out I wouldn't get any better results than what I've been able to achieve online. There are some guys that aren't suited to cold approach, and I'm one of them.

Meeting women via hobby groups social circle, and warm approach is also out. My social circle is small and there's no possibility that I could be introduced to a woman thru it. The last time in my life that social circle may have been an option was back when I was like 18/19, but even then it didn't happen. Hobby groups also won't work since my hobbies tend to be solitary, niche, and male dominated, so there's no hope of meeting women thru those channels. I'm religious, but there's no dateable women in the religious circles I frequent so that's also not an option. I'd love to meet a woman via an irl warm approach somehow, but I've never been able to build rapport with a woman I've first met irl, asked her out, and actually gotten with her. There's nothing suggesting that I'm even capable of doing that since I've made it to 27 without it ever happening. If it wasn't for apps, I'd still be a virgin, and now that apps no longer work for me I'm royally screwed. I'm also convinced that if there are girls out there who are really compatible with me, they're hanging out at home most of the time and not really showing themselves irl, so I have no chance to actually meet them. But like I said, even in the unlikely event that I meet a girl irl I'm never capable of turning that opportunity into anything.

In short I don't think there's anything I can do besides make peace with my situation, keep fruitlessly swiping away on apps, and hoping and praying I luck out. I wish apps worked better for me since I'll never be able to meet women irl, and the women from apps just aren't what I'm looking for either. I hate this hellscape that is the modern dating scene, I hate being forced to exclusively rely on apps to even be seen by women, I hate not having any options to meet women irl, I'm just sick of all of it. What do I even do in a situation like this when fate is railroading me into being perpetually unsatisfied with my dating life and never being able to meet and date the kind of women I actually want. It's so frustrating, and even on this forum nobody has been able to give me a viable, realistic, sensible answer to solve the problems I've described. Is there anything I can do, or is it over? Please be honest and realistic about what my options are, if I have any

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

I’m sorry if I don’t know this information and it’s been posted before.

How old are you? I just looked you’re 27.
Do you have the absolute best physique you can?
Do you have a solid job?
Do you dress well?
Do you have a good haircut?
Are you significantly disfigured?
What is your ethnicity?
You’re articulate and can compose sentences properly in English, therefore I assume that you’re well read? The classics?
Are your tastes in women unreasonably high? That is, are you a 6 only attracted to 8’s and above? Too old for your target women? 27 looking for teens?

 

[Gamisch]

You are :
- the fat dude who says the gym is no option because...he doesn't like to be around ripped guys

-the poor guy qho says work is no option because he ...lacks experience to get a dream job

- the junkie who refuses to get clean because....he is "just addicted " for so long now.

You are the worst type of student one can think of. You refuse to follow orders/ go by the manual and then complain that you unable to get shyte done like others who DO follow the manual and obey the rules of the game.

I have zero sympathy for you untill you are willing to put effort into improvement and I will let everyone know about your real shytty attitude.

Yet another stupid azz thread that will lead towards NOTHING. A NOTHING burger without sauce.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I’m sorry if I don’t know this information and it’s been posted before.

How old are you? I just looked you’re 27.
Do you have the absolute best physique you can?
Do you have a solid job?
Do you dress well?
Do you have a good haircut?
Are you significantly disfigured?
What is your ethnicity?
You’re articulate and can compose sentences properly in English, therefore I assume that you’re well read? The classics?
Are your tastes in women unreasonably high? That is, are you a 6 only attracted to 8’s and above? Too old for your target women? 27 looking for teens?

1. I lift weights and have decent muscle, but I need to get below 20% bodyfat. But I've always naturally been over 20% and it's like my body won't let me get any lower than that. I'd say physique wise that's the main thing holding me back.

2. I don't have any career unfortunately, my college major is useless and I have no real career prospects to speak thereof. Because I have ADHD I doubt I'm even capable of holding a job. The closest thing to work experience I have is my recording and touring experience as a bass player in a rock n roll band.

3. I dress reasonably well, whenever I wear nicer clothes it's always more of a vintage style tho. Like for example whenever my band has a show I like to wear bright floral shirts and bell bottoms. So basically what Led Zeppelin was wearing around 1969. If I'm just running errands I just wear either a t shirt or a tank top and jeans. As for shoes I almost always wear loafers, though sometimes I wear beatle boots if my band has a gig.

4. My hair looks good but my hairstyle is more niche. I have long, curly, blonde hair that's a little past collarbone length right now. Most people who have complimented me on my hair say that it looks like that of Robert Plant or Blake from Workaholics. The longest I've ever had my hair was a little more than halfway to waist length, but that was like eight years ago. I haven't had short hair since 2009. As for facial hair, I can't grow a full beard but I have a handlebar mustache with the ends turned up. I'm German so it just grows in that way lol.

5. I am not physically disfigured in any way

6. I am an ethnic German

7. I'm pretty well read and know six languages to some degree, though half the languages I know are classical or liturgical languages. My native languages are German and English. I've indeed read some classical literature, mostly Germanic or Vedic.

8. My tastes in women aren't unreasonable. I'm not going for instagram models or women who look like they're made of plastic. The kind of girls I'm most attracted to physically would probably be like a seven in the face but with a good body and a nice rack. For some reason I find that combination attractive, maybe because a girl with just a decently pretty face is less intimidating to me. However I seem to mostly attract women who are slightly overweight. In the past I would tolerate this if the girl had a nice rack but since I got into lifting several years ago I've wanted a girl with a better body than that. But girls don't care if you lift, and lifting has had no effect on the quality of women I've been able to attain.

9. Ideally I would want to date a woman between the ages of 20 to about 25 or 26. I don't go for anyone younger than 20

 

[BergischerLöwe]

You are :
- the fat dude who says the gym is no option because...he doesn't like to be around ripped guys

-the poor guy qho says work is no option because he ...lacks experience to get a dream job

- the junkie who refuses to get clean because....he is "just addicted " for so long now.

You are the worst type of student one can think of. You refuse to follow orders/ go by the manual and then complain that you unable to get shyte done like others who DO follow the manual and obey the rules of the game.

I have zero sympathy for you untill you are willing to put effort into improvement and I will let everyone know about your real shytty attitude.

Yet another stupid azz thread that will lead towards NOTHING. A NOTHING burger without sauce.

I really don't feel comfortable approaching women tho. I'm not making excuses, I just see no evidence that it would work. The fact of the matter is that most women today are hostile to the prospect of men approaching them, and if I tried to approach I would just be bothering them. I can't shake the feeling that I would be bothering a woman by approaching her and that she has better things to do than be chatted up by me, the weird long haired German guy. Since I hardly have anything in common with any women, they won't be receptive to my advances. For me to actually get anywhere meeting a woman irl, the woman would have to approach me, and I can never count on that

 

[ManlyMan]

I think if the passion to get good at this was there for you. you would do it.

approach anxiety or any other obstacle would be easy to overcome. it can be hard to figure out conflicting motivations/desires. things like approach anxiety.

could try googling desire repulsion by captain jack

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Until you address your fundamental issues, which you are aware of, no progress can be made. The endless posts looking for answers to the same questions is a waste of your time and everyone else’s.

Perfect your physique, you know what’s needed although you toss platitudes to avoid the hard work.

Fix your wardrobe, again, you can,
you just don’t want to. If you don’t know where to start go to a fine clothier and have a woman put together some outfits for you, including shoes.

Deal with your hair, again what you’re doing isn’t working, time for change - maybe go for a clean-cut look. Hair grows back.

I doubt your degree nets not one opportunity that would bring you more wealth or an actual career. If it doesn’t suit you go back to school and get one that does.

So far everything you’ve said is a platitude that you believe exoneretes you from having to do the work.

Until you fix things nothing will change. What you’re doing now isn’t working, so change it.

1. I lift weights and have decent muscle, but I need to get below 20% bodyfat. But I've always naturally been over 20% and it's like my body won't let me get any lower than that. I'd say physique wise that's the main thing holding me back.

2. I don't have any career unfortunately, my college major is useless and I have no real career prospects to speak thereof. Because I have ADHD I doubt I'm even capable of holding a job. The closest thing to work experience I have is my recording and touring experience as a bass player in a rock n roll band.

3. I dress reasonably well, whenever I wear nicer clothes it's always more of a vintage style tho. Like for example whenever my band has a show I like to wear bright floral shirts and bell bottoms. So basically what Led Zeppelin was wearing around 1969. If I'm just running errands I just wear either a t shirt or a tank top and jeans. As for shoes I almost always wear loafers, though sometimes I wear beatle boots if my band has a gig.

4. My hair looks good but my hairstyle is more niche. I have long, curly, blonde hair that's a little past collarbone length right now. Most people who have complimented me on my hair say that it looks like that of Robert Plant or Blake from Workaholics. The longest I've ever had my hair was a little more than halfway to waist length, but that was like eight years ago. I haven't had short hair since 2009. As for facial hair, I can't grow a full beard but I have a handlebar mustache with the ends turned up. I'm German so it just grows in that way lol.

5. I am not physically disfigured in any way

6. I am an ethnic German

7. I'm pretty well read and know six languages to some degree, though half the languages I know are classical or liturgical languages. My native languages are German and English. I've indeed read some classical literature, mostly Germanic or Vedic.

8. My tastes in women aren't unreasonable. I'm not going for instagram models or women who look like they're made of plastic. The kind of girls I'm most attracted to physically would probably be like a seven in the face but with a good body and a nice rack. For some reason I find that combination attractive, maybe because a girl with just a decently pretty face is less intimidating to me. However I seem to mostly attract women who are slightly overweight. In the past I would tolerate this if the girl had a nice rack but since I got into lifting several years ago I've wanted a girl with a better body than that. But girls don't care if you lift, and lifting has had no effect on the quality of women I've been able to attain.

9. Ideally I would want to date a woman between the ages of 20 to about 25 or 26. I don't go for anyone younger than 20

 

[Gamisch]

Until you address your fundamental issues, which you are aware of, no progress can be made. The endless posts looking for answers to the same questions is a waste of your time and everyone else’s.

Perfect your physique, you know what’s needed although you toss platitudes to avoid the hard work.

Fix your wardrobe, again, you can,
you just don’t want to. If you don’t know where to start go to a fine clothier and have a woman put together some outfits for you, including shoes.

Deal with your hair, again what you’re doing isn’t working, time for change - maybe go for a clean-cut look. Hair grows back.

I doubt your degree nets not one opportunity that would bring you more wealth or an actual career. If it doesn’t suit you go back to school and get one that does.

So far everything you’ve said is a platitude that you believe exoneretes you from having to do the work.

Until you fix things nothing will change. What you’re doing now isn’t working, so change it.

He a troll , dont you get it.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[Hippocrates]

>I'm scared to death of being labelled as a creep for trying it.

I would just like to suggest that this might mean that you have some psychological issue with your sexuality that you should probably try to work out. I say this as someone who felt similarly in the past and now am largely, though not entirely, over it.

There is no good reason why you should feel that there is something wrong with you offering sex to women. Most men on the planet want to have sex with women. Most women on the planet want to have sex with men. If you feel that there is something wrong about you going up to a woman you don't know and trying to turn her on, my question is, why? Why would you feel worried about being labeled a creep for it? Every single day, millions of people do exactly this, and many of them succeed. Not just men do this, either. Women hit on men they don't know pretty often, too. There is nothing wrong with it.

I have been rejected many times but almost never have I been rejected in a way that the woman seemed to think that I was a creep. That has been super uncommon in my experience. There really isn't much to worry about unless you are hitting on women who have angry, jealous boyfriends or you are trying to do it in some culture where trying to hit on strange girls is out of the norm, I guess. In San Francisco where I live, I have literally never had any such experience. I've been rejected, but it was almost never something where the girl seemed to think that I was being creepy, it was just like she didn't want to have sex with me, at least right now.

I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't try a lot of this seduction stuff in some ****hole like Saudi Arabia. But in San Francisco, at least, I can count maybe one genuinely nasty rejection out of probably hundreds of times I have tried to hit on women. The rest of the time when I got rejected it was polite. So for me there is basically no possible bad consequence from trying cold approach. It has worked for me a few times and when it doesn't work, it's not that bad.

 

[corrector]

Ask your folks to set you up.

 

[Millard Fillmore]

From the way you describe your situation it's clear you are trapped in your perceived identity.

"It's not compatible with my nature"
"I'll get discouraged and give up"
"There's no way I could ever have any success at cold approach"

&c.

As you think so shall you be.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

So because something hasn't happened before it can never happen?

Either be open to change and seek it out or stay stuck in your rut.

Life is about change and how you adapt to it. About time to force yourself to find out.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone bubble you reside within if you ever want to grow as a person and as a man.

There is no easy button to press. You will have to accept that you are going to fail a lot at first, but you will learn from it and those failures will lead you to successes if you allow them to.

 

[corrector]

So because something hasn't happened before it can never happen?

Either be open to change and seek it out or stay stuck in your rut.

Life is about change and how you adapt to it. About time to force yourself to find out.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone bubble you reside within if you ever want to grow as a person and as a man.

There is no easy button to press. You will have to accept that you are going to fail a lot at first, but you will learn from it and those failures will lead you to successes if you allow them to.

This. Enough with the excuses, time to execute.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Ask your folks to set you up.

Not possible

 

[BergischerLöwe]

From the way you describe your situation it's clear you are trapped in your perceived identity.

"It's not compatible with my nature"
"I'll get discouraged and give up"
"There's no way I could ever have any success at cold approach"

&c.

As you think so shall you be.

All those seem to be objectively true tho. I’m describing my situation as I see it

 

[BergischerLöwe]

>I'm scared to death of being labelled as a creep for trying it.

I would just like to suggest that this might mean that you have some psychological issue with your sexuality that you should probably try to work out. I say this as someone who felt similarly in the past and now am largely, though not entirely, over it.

There is no good reason why you should feel that there is something wrong with you offering sex to women. Most men on the planet want to have sex with women. Most women on the planet want to have sex with men. If you feel that there is something wrong about you going up to a woman you don't know and trying to turn her on, my question is, why? Why would you feel worried about being labeled a creep for it? Every single day, millions of people do exactly this, and many of them succeed. Not just men do this, either. Women hit on men they don't know pretty often, too. There is nothing wrong with it.

I have been rejected many times but almost never have I been rejected in a way that the woman seemed to think that I was a creep. That has been super uncommon in my experience. There really isn't much to worry about unless you are hitting on women who have angry, jealous boyfriends or you are trying to do it in some culture where trying to hit on strange girls is out of the norm, I guess. In San Francisco where I live, I have literally never had any such experience. I've been rejected, but it was almost never something where the girl seemed to think that I was being creepy, it was just like she didn't want to have sex with me, at least right now.

I mean don't get me wrong, I wouldn't try a lot of this seduction stuff in some ****hole like Saudi Arabia. But in San Francisco, at least, I can count maybe one genuinely nasty rejection out of probably hundreds of times I have tried to hit on women. The rest of the time when I got rejected it was polite. So for me there is basically no possible bad consequence from trying cold approach. It has worked for me a few times and when it doesn't work, it's not that bad.

But like I said women nowadays are hostile to being approached. It’s clear they dont want me to bother them. I’ll never be one of those guys capable of approaching at this rate. I think I should go all in on dating apps, pay for them, improve my profile, and swipe on them all day. I think with that I have more of a chance. At least the women on apps actually want to be talked to, at least sometimes

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Until you address your fundamental issues, which you are aware of, no progress can be made. The endless posts looking for answers to the same questions is a waste of your time and everyone else’s.

Perfect your physique, you know what’s needed although you toss platitudes to avoid the hard work.

Fix your wardrobe, again, you can,
you just don’t want to. If you don’t know where to start go to a fine clothier and have a woman put together some outfits for you, including shoes.

Deal with your hair, again what you’re doing isn’t working, time for change - maybe go for a clean-cut look. Hair grows back.

I doubt your degree nets not one opportunity that would bring you more wealth or an actual career. If it doesn’t suit you go back to school and get one that does.

So far everything you’ve said is a platitude that you believe exoneretes you from having to do the work.

Until you fix things nothing will change. What you’re doing now isn’t working, so change it.

I’ll continue to work on physique. As for my hair I won’t cut it short, I look worse with short hair. If I went back to school idk what I’d even study. I’ve pretty much given up on having any actual career, if I got a job it would probably be nothing more illustrious than working at a guitar store. I applied for a job at one last year but I didn’t get it. I wish I could make money in music but that’s impossible unless you’re super famous. As for wardrobe I have plenty of nice clothes already.

 

[BergischerLöwe]

I think if the passion to get good at this was there for you. you would do it.

approach anxiety or any other obstacle would be easy to overcome. it can be hard to figure out conflicting motivations/desires. things like approach anxiety.

could try googling desire repulsion by captain jack

Approaching would never be fun for me, and the women would be able to sense that. I think if I lived 100 years ago or earlier I would be one of those guys who got married via arrange marriage, but such institutions no longer exist. If there was some way in which introductions could be made for me I would be more at ease, but it’s unrealistic to expect that. Like I said if I ever met a woman irl and eventually came to date her, as it stands now she would have to approach me. This is also foolish to expect. Even the mid women ive attracted on apps I would have never approached irl. Sometimes I think I should use a paid matchmaking service. I’m open to the idea of mail order brides but every mail order bride service looks sketchy

 

[BergischerLöwe]

Jeebus Christ.

1. it's not your body that's keeping you fat - it's your food choices and activity level.

2. Why do you have a degree if you don't work? Why do you have a useless degree? Why are you not even trying to work? Why are you blaming ADHD for your general lack of function?
^ I'm adhd (diagnosed) making 150k/year WITHOUT a degree...

3. stop dressing like your mom pick out your clothes.

4. I don't think I would want to emulate a single person from workaholics.

5. -
6. -
7. -
8. Your expectations are WAY too high for who YOU are.
9. -

Okay, I think that about covers it.

It’s not that I’m not trying to work, it’s more that my situation hasn’t loaned itself much opportunity for that. My adhd prevented me from getting good grades in high school and college, meaning that going to a good college and studying anything that may have led to a lucrative career were out of reach for me. I’m articulate and intelligent but my condition has prevented me from obtaining good credentials. Idk why you assume I dress like my mom picks out my clothes, and I’m not consciously trying to look like Blake from Workaholics, it’s just a coincidence.

 

[Pierce Manhammer]

Look man. What you’re doing is not working. The solution is to change it. Seems like you’ve made your choice so therefore you should just be happy with your situation because inaction will keep you in exactly the same place you are right now. Digging in your heels and resisting the idea of changing yourself to achieve your goals is childish. I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as ADD, yet somehow I’ve managed to be successful with women and in my careers.

Man the f*CK up.

I wish you the best of luck. I’m out of this discussion.

I’ll continue to work on physique. As for my hair I won’t cut it short, I look worse with short hair. If I went back to school idk what I’d even study. I’ve pretty much given up on having any actual career, if I got a job it would probably be nothing more illustrious than working at a guitar store. I applied for a job at one last year but I didn’t get it. I wish I could make money in music but that’s impossible unless you’re super famous. As for wardrobe I have plenty of nice clothes already.