How to get out of Oneitis / Bad Period

[djzulu]

First of all I want to thank everybody on this board for their insights in the past 5 years – it has always helped me get back on my feet when I was down – thank you!

I was going to post a ‘Help Me Get Rid of Oneitis!’ thread, but instead I decided to get proactive and share what I am doing to get out of my bad situation. Hopefully this thread will help others who are struck with oneitis.

My Situation

Without going into too much detail– during the past 1-2 years was very busy with work and was spinning plates. Since I was busy with my career I never committed to any one girl – and they knew it. Overall there was one that I really liked and I just never let myself get too emotionally involved. I hurt her since she fell for me and I had to break up the relationship a couple of times – she was being a biach but I guess she had valid reasons. When we got back together the last time (around 6 months ago) we started just seeing each other and fvcking.

It was better since she was ok with being just fvck buddies but I was starting to develop feelings for her – a big project at work ended and I had more time. I also artificially slowed work down since I wanted to start doing other things (hobbies, my own business etc).

One day she decided to end the relationship – she found someone else who was there for here 100% (he was probably promoted from plate status to bf since I figure he was around for a while). It was kind of funny since he was a total AFC and I was the jerk and I never believed that she would pick him over me. I couldn’t blame her since I gave her hell, and at the same time was pretty sure that I could move on. We cut off all contact. I placed a calendar on the wall and started counting the days – goal: to sleep with 3 girls within 30 days and forget about her.

But it wasn’t that simple – I did fvck some girls, even had a fvck buddy for a couple of months but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It got so bad that I was determined to get her back, but now it was too late because she moved on. We had a great connection and I started wishing I was there for her when she wanted to be with me. I figured that if I told her how I really fell about her (I never told her how I felt) she would realize that there is something there that is worth working for – big mistake. And slowly but surely the biggest oneitis I ever had started to develop.

Without getting into details of our last interaction, in which I desperately tried to get her back and she was ‘confused’, saw both her bf and me for a few weeks, left her current guy for me then went back to him, I realized that I have to move on. I cut off all contact (Facebook, MySpace, Messengers etc) and am still going through a tough time, but things are looking better. In my opinion, what makes it harder in this situation is that I always took her for granted and the fact that we did have a connection.

Action

If there is one thing that I know for sure is that oneitis is a psychological phenomenon and that you can learn a ton about yourself when you get it. Here is what I have decided to do to alleviate the pain and to change my life:

- Cut down the amount of time I spend on work
- Start engaging in my passion – something I have not taken the time to do since I was in my 20’s
- Started dating new girls

Unfortunately, dating other girls hasn’t helped much so far – I even had sex with a few. It’s just that I don’t care and her face is stuck in my mind. But starting to pick up my hobbies has changed my life – now everyday I look forward to my after-work time, no more 20 hour work days.

I firmly believe that this oneitis happened for a reason greater than me just missing that girl – after all there is a reason that I never considered a serious relationship with her in the past. Balance in my life was off – not enough socializing, too much work and neglecting my true passions.

It’s still extremely difficult for me, this is the hardest I ever had it (since I was a teenager) but I guess we always learn something. She’s a great girl, but I am sure that once she is out of my mind I will look back and realize that she was not for me.

Advice About Dating While Infected with Oneitis

It’s really hard to socialize and date when you have oneitis because you just don’t care. You see that hot girl smiling at you, but you don’t make the extra effort to make a move since your mind is fixated on ‘the one’. You therefore must force yourself to take action:

- If a girl is sending you signals – get her number even if you don’t like her
- Make it a goal to talk to girls and go on dates even if you think that it is a waste of time
- If you get a chance to bed one – do it even if she’s not the hottest girl in the world
- HB6-7 with a brain are better than HB9’s that can hardly communicate since you need to find someone you can relate to – that way you will see that there are others out there that you can connect to (that works for me)

Another important piece of advice – you should move on immediately. I started to move on, then tried to get her back, then had to start from scratch. Had I not spent so much time trying to get her back things would have probably been way better right now.

I hope this helps other people out there who are going through the same thing. Will keep updating this post with my progress…

 

[Mxrider01]

Thank you.

Good advice.

Its not easy, Just basically going through the same process myself.

I like the calender of "goals" so to speak. I may try that. I did start a personal journal to document my progress each day. I will incorporate some goals into that.

Post your progress, it helps to give it away and simply talk about it.

 

[djzulu]

I believe that one of the major reasons for my oneitis is isolation: in this day and age where everything is online it is easy to be lonely, especially if your day consists of starting at a computer screen...

It's harder to socialize since we lose our social skills and by the time we get home after a long work day, all we want to do is rest. When we do finally find a girl that we connect to we start depending on her and when she is gone we are lonely again. If she could only be back, life would be so much better - that's the beginning of our oneitis.

I would say that socializing and meeting up with friends might even be more important than dating other girls. I had a girl over last night (our second date) but I still ended up thinking of my oneitis. She is cute but apparently not what I am looking for. I will try to meet some more people this week. This is my second date this week (I made out with both) but still no major progress - I guess the goal is to be persistent.

 

[jophil28]

There are a lot of myths propogated on this site .There a many beliefs that some of you hold just because someone here wrote their 10,000 word opinions in credible phrases and 'told you so'. Unfortunately those tomes are not usually inspired by the author's empirically proved experience.


There is nothing problematic about being 'besotted' by one particular woman PROVIDED she is worthy of an LTR commitment from you, and YOU are emotionally and physically available to be in one with her.

Being a 'jerk' may get a girls' interest, for a while, but it won't keep the girl....or more correctly, it won't keep the ones that you really want. Being a 'jerk' is a PUA tactic or a characteristic which is exploited to trigger SHORT TERM attraction in order to set the woman up for rapid seduction....f*k and chuck...But it also will keep the low quality woman, the cruisers and the losers, the career 'victims' and the women who have few other choices. Thats why jerks often have 'fan clubs', but they never have functional healthy relationships.

That is what happened to you. You believed that being a jerk would hold her just where you wanted her for as long as you wanted - and you lost to a chump.

Lesson learned ?

 

[djzulu]

JoPhil:

I wasn't being a jerk on purpose - I thought that I made that clear in my post. I am in my mid thirties and am done playing games - she was just another plate at the time. I just didn't commit to her where we were dating - was not in the frame of mind for a relationship and too focused on work, and was not ready for an emotional commitment. I just came out as a jerk since I never chased her around - and according to her all of her previous bf's used to be jealous etc - I wasn't.

The lesson I learned is that you need to be engaged in what you are passionate about and not work 24/7 just to put more $ in the bank. I didn't only lose her, I lost a lot of things that I love doing and am finally getting them back. So maybe this oneitis is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[PeeGee]

My brother and I disagree on various things in regardless to relationships but we both agree on a few things.

He said something once and I've not been able to really get over it: If you're interested in a girl, sleeping with other girls will not deter your attraction.

As far as I can imagine, the only way you really get over a oneitis is to completely replace her in every sense -- she can't be as prominent in your life, you have to be dating better women than she is, and you need to be emotionally detached from her.

Several posters here have said this, and I tend to agree (I think Str8up said it): if you have more than a passing interest in a girl who is not 'yours' for whatever reason (sees you as a friend, has a boyfriend, etc), you are in a dangerous position.

I think that's an adequate solution to both of our problems -- downgrade this girl until she is single or you replace her in your life.

 

[djzulu]

My brother and I disagree on various things in regardless to relationships but we both agree on a few things.

He said something once and I've not been able to really get over it: If you're interested in a girl, sleeping with other girls will not deter your attraction.

As far as I can imagine, the only way you really get over a oneitis is to completely replace her in every sense -- she can't be as prominent in your life, you have to be dating better women than she is, and you need to be emotionally detached from her.

Several posters here have said this, and I tend to agree (I think Str8up said it): if you have more than a passing interest in a girl who is not 'yours' for whatever reason (sees you as a friend, has a boyfriend, etc), you are in a dangerous position.

I think that's an adequate solution to both of our problems -- downgrade this girl until she is single or you replace her in your life.

Agreed. This girl is not in my life anymore - and I totally agree that I need to find an adequate replacement, and I believe that I will. Just want to add one more thing - spending time on your hobbies / passion goes a long way; if it wasn't for my passion things would be much harder.

 

[djzulu]

The Dynamics of Oneitis

Oneitis is a one-sided situation, one where you are the one who is handicapped. Therefore, even if the girl eventually does show some interest – you will always be suspect to emotional pain. Let’s take my situation above:

1. I was pursuing the girl – she left her bf for me and then went back to him
2. She was the one in control – I was the one controlled, even though I sometimes tried to hide my feelings for her, it was totally useless.

When you are emotional it is hard for you to function and therefore you can’t just ‘be yourself’. Relationships should just flow - all of the successful relationships that I had were balanced; there might be pain when you break up, but they should flow while you are together.

On the other hand, all my messed up relationships were unbalanced; in most cases I was on top and she was on bottom, in some we were on the same level. It just took me a while to understand that I was getting pushed down in this one.

If you are feeling that you are losing control – get out immediately. If it is meant to be she will start chasing you down.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Redefining ONEitis

Have a read.

 

[djzulu]

Rather, I would set it apart from this healthy protector/provider dynamic since ONEitis essentially sabotages what our natural propensities would otherwise filter. ONEitis is insecurity run amok while a person is single, and potentially paralyzing when coupled with the object of that ONEitis in an LTR. The same neurotic desperation that drives a person to settle for their ONE whether healthy or unhealthy is the same insecurity that paralyzes them from abandoning a damaging relationship - This is their ONE and how could they ever live without them? Or they're my ONE, but all I need is to fix myself or them to have my idealized relationship

I totally agree - however it all depends on the context of the word. I have a nihilistic approach to life and agree with you that there is no such thing as 'The One' but in my case oneitis is another term for irrational infatuation. When I try to look at the situation objectively I realize that something is awfully off - there is no way that this girl can be so great - but some 'switch' went off in my brain and is telling me otherwise.

In my estimation ONEitis is an unhealthy psychological dependency that is the direct result of the continuous socialization of the soulmate myth in pop culture.

In my case and in plenty of others the infatuation with one single individual is not necessarily linked to 'the soulmate myth', you develop some sort of codependency with that person (whether real or imaginary) and really believe that you can't be without them. I would compare the feeling of oneitis to a drug (as many others have in similar posts), however in oneitis it's a little different - you are craving something and your brain has tricked you into believing that you need that person to satisfy that desire.

The funny thing is, in many cases, if you really had that person you would realize that you are still missing something in your life since you would still be missing that 'something' - the problem is within you and oneitis is the external misrepresentation of the antidote.

 

[Heretolearn]

good thread - thanks for sharing. Your last post holds the solution

 

[djzulu]

Things are still a little difficult - I am taking action but can't get her out of my mind... yet...

- Have been dating new girls
- Went to a bar the other day - my friend who was supposed to meet me there ended up not showing up, instead of getting mad I just ended up talking to 2 girls. Got #s - I LJBF them since they weren't my type but now I have some girls to go out with
- Slept with a fvck buddy this weekend - this girl lives out of town and we always had fun together. We still had fun, but she noticed something was different about me.

And finally - have been putting a lot of time into my passion. It's as if the void that was created by my last girl is being filled by my passion - haven't been like this in over 10 years... I am even considering getting more serious about it and putting work in 2nd place (something I haven't done) - maybe this onetis situation was a warning call that my life was unbalanced. In fact, during the past month or so, the only time that I am happy is when I am engaged in my hobby - which is now turning into much more than a hobby...

How long before I manage to 'move on' mentally? Are there any other activities that I could be doing? Any suggestions are welcome.

 

[Unprez]

It's refreshing to read posts from someone so humble. You realize where you screwed up and are making things better. So many people here get irate and defensive. You're on your way, my friend. Time is the most important factor in getting over oneitis, but you've shortened the timespan for yourself by going no contact. Well done.

agreed, good stuff

 

[horaholic]

You might want to dig below the surface, and try to figure out why you're so attached to this girl. What is so special about her to you? Maybe even talk to a professional. Is this girl very similar to your mother by chance? Apparently, we are drawn to that type, even if they arent what we desire. Other than that, you're doing everything right, by spinning plates, and no contact. We cant help our feelings. Usually, we find someone better, and forget about her, but then theres that girl who, while not suitable for a relationship, just pushes all of our attraction buttons, like no other can. I dont know if you believe in EFT or not, but you might want to look into it, and see if that helps you. I'm not totally sold and convinced about it, but I am trying it just to see if it works, as I have a similar problem, (except these days Im not in pvssy abundance, but when I was, it didnt help) and I am unable to move on.

 

[djzulu]

Samspade:

It's summer...if you have the money, plan something fun and different for yourself. Think of it as money you would have spent on your GF. Go skydiving, hang gliding, take a trip, etc. Get your buddies together for a weekend of drinking and whoring.

I have been investing a lot in my hobby. I don’t like traveling that much, maybe because I have been doing so all my life (work, family etc.) and I don’t have too many friends here (since I move around a lot for work) but I am working on making more friends. I feel that when I travel it makes me feel better, but when I get back everything goes back to normal.

One of my clients is in another town and has offered to get me an apartment so that I can spend more time there (am currently doing a lot of remote work for them) – was thinking that would be an interesting change.

It's refreshing to read posts from someone so humble. You realize where you screwed up and are making things better. So many people here get irate and defensive. You're on your way, my friend. Time is the most important factor in getting over oneitis, but you've shortened the timespan for yourself by going no contact. Well done.

Thanks – I appreciate the positive remarks


Horaholic:

You might want to dig below the surface, and try to figure out why you're so attached to this girl. What is so special about her to you? Maybe even talk to a professional. Is this girl very similar to your mother by chance? Apparently, we are drawn to that type, even if they arent what we desire. Other than that, you're doing everything right, by spinning plates, and no contact. We cant help our feelings. Usually, we find someone better, and forget about her, but then theres that girl who, while not suitable for a relationship, just pushes all of our attraction buttons, like no other can. I dont know if you believe in EFT or not, but you might want to look into it, and see if that helps you. I'm not totally sold and convinced about it, but I am trying it just to see if it works, as I have a similar problem, (except these days Im not in pvssy abundance, but when I was, it didnt help) and I am unable to move on.

Here are the main reasons that I think I got attached to her:

- I moved to this town and was lonely – she was one of my first ‘plates’
- We connected on another level – many girls that I have dated in the past feel a strong connection with me, but with her it was on a different level; it’s as if we had the same worldview about everything, we also share the same passions / hobbies.
- Spending so much time on work made me even more lonely / less social so our connection grew stronger. The problem was (as I mentioned above) I took her for granted and didn’t want to open up to her emotionally

The most interesting thing is that physically she is not the hottest girl on the world and there are little quirks about her that I was sure I couldn’t live with (the way she talks, handles herself etc – all physical things). Maybe it was those physical things that made me stay distant all this time, and maybe she is just not for me and I have oneitis blindness ;-) However inside she was a great person (either that or I had no better alternative ...).

I think there is something bigger behind this oneitis that I have to figure out - something about my life - and I am doing my best to find out what it is and change it. As I have mentioned above, I have been putting too much time into my career and neglecting other aspects of my life. That's something that is changing as I type these lines

What’s EFT?

 

[amoka]

First of all I want to thank everybody on this board for their insights in the past 5 years – it has always helped me get back on my feet when I was down – thank you!

I was going to post a ‘Help Me Get Rid of Oneitis!’ thread, but instead I decided to get proactive and share what I am doing to get out of my bad situation. Hopefully this thread will help others who are struck with oneitis.

My Situation

Without going into too much detail– during the past 1-2 years was very busy with work and was spinning plates. Since I was busy with my career I never committed to any one girl – and they knew it. Overall there was one that I really liked and I just never let myself get too emotionally involved. I hurt her since she fell for me and I had to break up the relationship a couple of times – she was being a biach but I guess she had valid reasons. When we got back together the last time (around 6 months ago) we started just seeing each other and fvcking.

It was better since she was ok with being just fvck buddies but I was starting to develop feelings for her – a big project at work ended and I had more time. I also artificially slowed work down since I wanted to start doing other things (hobbies, my own business etc).

One day she decided to end the relationship – she found someone else who was there for here 100% (he was probably promoted from plate status to bf since I figure he was around for a while). It was kind of funny since he was a total AFC and I was the jerk and I never believed that she would pick him over me. I couldn’t blame her since I gave her hell, and at the same time was pretty sure that I could move on. We cut off all contact. I placed a calendar on the wall and started counting the days – goal: to sleep with 3 girls within 30 days and forget about her.

But it wasn’t that simple – I did fvck some girls, even had a fvck buddy for a couple of months but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. It got so bad that I was determined to get her back, but now it was too late because she moved on. We had a great connection and I started wishing I was there for her when she wanted to be with me. I figured that if I told her how I really fell about her (I never told her how I felt) she would realize that there is something there that is worth working for – big mistake. And slowly but surely the biggest oneitis I ever had started to develop.

Without getting into details of our last interaction, in which I desperately tried to get her back and she was ‘confused’, saw both her bf and me for a few weeks, left her current guy for me then went back to him, I realized that I have to move on. I cut off all contact (Facebook, MySpace, Messengers etc) and am still going through a tough time, but things are looking better. In my opinion, what makes it harder in this situation is that I always took her for granted and the fact that we did have a connection.

Action

If there is one thing that I know for sure is that oneitis is a psychological phenomenon and that you can learn a ton about yourself when you get it. Here is what I have decided to do to alleviate the pain and to change my life:

- Cut down the amount of time I spend on work
- Start engaging in my passion – something I have not taken the time to do since I was in my 20’s
- Started dating new girls

Unfortunately, dating other girls hasn’t helped much so far – I even had sex with a few. It’s just that I don’t care and her face is stuck in my mind. But starting to pick up my hobbies has changed my life – now everyday I look forward to my after-work time, no more 20 hour work days.

I firmly believe that this oneitis happened for a reason greater than me just missing that girl – after all there is a reason that I never considered a serious relationship with her in the past. Balance in my life was off – not enough socializing, too much work and neglecting my true passions.

It’s still extremely difficult for me, this is the hardest I ever had it (since I was a teenager) but I guess we always learn something. She’s a great girl, but I am sure that once she is out of my mind I will look back and realize that she was not for me.

Advice About Dating While Infected with Oneitis

It’s really hard to socialize and date when you have oneitis because you just don’t care. You see that hot girl smiling at you, but you don’t make the extra effort to make a move since your mind is fixated on ‘the one’. You therefore must force yourself to take action:

- If a girl is sending you signals – get her number even if you don’t like her
- Make it a goal to talk to girls and go on dates even if you think that it is a waste of time
- If you get a chance to bed one – do it even if she’s not the hottest girl in the world
- HB6-7 with a brain are better than HB9’s that can hardly communicate since you need to find someone you can relate to – that way you will see that there are others out there that you can connect to (that works for me)

Another important piece of advice – you should move on immediately. I started to move on, then tried to get her back, then had to start from scratch. Had I not spent so much time trying to get her back things would have probably been way better right now.

I hope this helps other people out there who are going through the same thing. Will keep updating this post with my progress…

I wish I had read this earlier. I was in the same boat as you... she found another man and the only way she'd get back with me is if I propose to her. I nearly did, in fact we went to look at diamonds. Then I came to my senses... NO WAY.

 

[djzulu]

I wish I had read this earlier. I was in the same boat as you... she found another man and the only way she'd get back with me is if I propose to her. I nearly did, in fact we went to look at diamonds. Then I came to my senses... NO WAY.

I read your thread - never go back to a lady on her terms - she needs to be kneeling before you begging for you to take her back, that way you stay in control. If you go back on her terms you give her all of the power.

 

[horaholic]

I read your thread - never go back to a lady on her terms - she needs to be kneeling before you begging for you to take her back, that way you stay in control. If you go back on her terms you give her all of the power.

But even when they they beg for you back, the go right back to the way they were a week later. People dont change. Some people evolve, though, but its a slow process. You shouldnt go back unless there was something about yourself that destroyed the relationship, that you have fixed yourself, but good luck convincing the girl.

 

[djzulu]

Filled up the day with activities:

- Went out with two girl-friends to an art show
- Met with an old friend for a drink
- Had a girl come over later this evening

But still am stuck with thoughts of my last girl. It's as if my mind is playing tricks on me 'you should just call her again, tell her how you feel' bla bla when it's pretty obvious that she is with someone else now and that if she wanted me back she would be calling 24 /7.

As I have mentioned before, I think this is a reflection of something bigger in my life that is off and that I have to fix, it's just very hard figuring out what it is.

 

[djzulu]

Guys, hands down, this is harder than I thought. It is having a negative effect over my entire life. I think that working from home and being alone most of the day is not making this any easier.

I have plenty of social interaction during my spare time - but maybe it is of the wrong kind. I might need to focus on targeting places with high quality women... when will this craziness be over?

I wish there was a plan - A->B->C, will try to come up with some more ideas. As usual, any comments are appreciated.