How to get out of Oneitis / Bad Period

[djzulu]

Things are still tough - have been dating, going out with friends and meeting new people, but I still realize that I miss her a ton.

Maybe oneitis is not the correct definition, I am just experiencing the feeling of a loss. I have a strong urge to contact her and tell her how I feel, and that I am sorry for not being there all this time - but I guess you guys will hit me on the head with a bat for even mentioning that...

Maybe it's time to break the rules and just follow what I feel? After all, she did end up with the 'Nice Guy' who was there for her... I am just having all these regrets.

If someone is still following this thread - will appreciate some points of view.

 

[djzulu]

I have realized that one of the hardest things to do is to 'let go'. We keep holding this 'hope' in our mind that the dynamics in a situation will change, but they probably won't - at least not in the near future.

We have to 'let things go' and come to an understanding that it is not going to work. Once we make that step, things are pretty much downhill from there imho.

It is only today that I have internalized the concept of 'letting go'. Up until now I knew that I have to move forward, but today I realized that it's more than moving forward; it is changing my though process.

Furthermore, the more that I think about this - it is not really a oneitis issue but a breakup issue. We were together in some sort of way for a while and there was a time when we felt the same way for each other. It turned into oneitis when she decided to let me go and I refused to let go.

So right this moment, I am putting this relationship behind me and moving on with my life.

Hope this clears some things up for the rest of you who are struggling with the same issues.

 

[djzulu]

Another thing that I found helps me out a lot is just going out for lunch / dinner / the bookstore etc. and looking at random cute girls - not the HB10 Gucci sunglasses and LV handbag type, just plain girls who smile back at you and have a nice conversation with you. They make me think 'There are more cute girls out there who I can connect to'.

This is the key - connecting to women since just fvcking more HB's doesn't do it. I never had oneitis for a total hottie since those I have dated were either messed up in the head or were just not right for me - I am sure there are exceptions out there, haven't seen one yet.

 

[djzulu]

I don't know if anybody is following this thread - but things are not getting better even though I am being proactive:

- Was at a party with buddies of mine yesterday
- Had a girl I am seeing sleep over

It's still difficult - all these mood swings are having an effect on my work. Did anybody go though this that bad before? Breakup etc?

 

[amoka]

I am following your post thoroughly... I'm in the same problem debating whether to contact my ex or not. In my case, she leaves a block from me but never seen her in like a week now because she has a male "friend" staying over. Her male friend's wife kicked him out of her house and he is sleeping out at her place. Plus her new "boyfriend" is in town...

I just feel like calling her. In fact, today I went to her office early in the morning to talk to her but she was not there...

 

[djzulu]

I am following your post thoroughly... I'm in the same problem debating whether to contact my ex or not. In my case, she leaves a block from me but never seen her in like a week now because she has a male "friend" staying over. Her male friend's wife kicked him out of her house and he is sleeping out at her place. Plus her new "boyfriend" is in town...

I just feel like calling her. In fact, today I went to her office early in the morning to talk to her but she was not there...

Do you have more info about your situation? Thread?

I know it's hard - believe me - but you need to cut off all contact since you are still too emotional (and so am I). You will just get hurt - if you read my first post, when I tried to get her back it backfired since I was too emotional and was not being myself.

We have to get our strengths back and then one of two things will happen:

1. We will realize that we don't care about our ex'es anymore
2. We will be able to confront them as men, not as pu$$ys

I know it's hard, believe me I am going through the hardest period in my life, but there is no upside right now when you are on the bottom and she is on the top.

 

[amoka]

Sh!t, I just contacted her to come pick me up from my lab... she is coming. Haven't seen her in about a week. Will update you later.

 

[jacob]

djzulu, bro I'm so grateful to read your post, I gotta suck it up and humble myself I feel the same as you. I lost her at the end of 2008 along with my job so it's been tough.

We didn't talk for like 5 months but I kept checking up on her myspace and found out she was leaving the island so I sent her a message. she responded then unprivated her page and I noticed some comments from this dude. and I felt like we just broke up all over again. now I can't stop thinking about her face and the things we did I told her I wanted to see her before she left and if she still works at the place. But she said that she has a boyfriend now and she doesn't want to disrespect him, so if I meet her she has to bring him along. I said Fuk that cuz it's only gonna hurt me and that I'll talk to her later cuz my break was finished and i had to go back to work. This happened at the beginning of May her b-day was on the 25th I haven't contacted her since, I deleted my myspace cuz I can't control my urge to check up on her.

I want to go to her working place cuz I don't know when shes flying off but fuk everytime I go she's just left or not working that day. So I'm fricken depressed and totally feeling AFC. Dude your story is just like mine. Bro thanks for posting I needed to know this is a common thing in relationships.

 

[djzulu]

djzulu, bro I'm so grateful to read your post, I gotta suck it up and humble myself I feel the same as you. I lost her at the end of 2008 along with my job so it's been tough.

We didn't talk for like 5 months but I kept checking up on her myspace and found out she was leaving the island so I sent her a message. she responded then unprivated her page and I noticed some comments from this dude. and I felt like we just broke up all over again. now I can't stop thinking about her face and the things we did I told her I wanted to see her before she left and if she still works at the place. But she said that she has a boyfriend now and she doesn't want to disrespect him, so if I meet her she has to bring him along. I said Fuk that cuz it's only gonna hurt me and that I'll talk to her later cuz my break was finished and i had to go back to work. This happened at the beginning of May her b-day was on the 25th I haven't contacted her since, I deleted my myspace cuz I can't control my urge to check up on her.

I want to go to her working place cuz I don't know when shes flying off but fuk everytime I go she's just left or not working that day. So I'm fricken depressed and totally feeling AFC. Dude your story is just like mine. Bro thanks for posting I needed to know this is a common thing in relationships.

I know it's tough, but you can't go see her - especially on those terms. She has moved on and you have to move on too. Check out my response to Amoka - you are on the bottom now, we have to get back on top. As long as you interact with her while she is on top it's a losing situation.

Don't get me wrong - I fight my emotions everyday - since she lives so close by, subconsciously everytime I am outside I look out for her. She also has a myspace page but so far I haven't been there... used to visit it everyday, but I made a decision not to go there anymore.

Furthermore - no advice on this forum is 100% ok - even my advice is not bulletproof since nobody has all of the information about your situation. So take everything you read here with a grain of salt. Always remember that the pain that we all feel is responsible for beautiful art / poetry / music etc. So without this pain the world would look totally different - just trying to be positive

 

[jophil28]

Sh!t, I just contacted her to come pick me up from my lab... she is coming. Haven't seen her in about a week. Will update you later.

YOu know better that to do that..Why do some of you guys persist in setting yourself up for more pain and probable disrespect.
Meeting with a recent ex who is seeing other guys is just scratching open a wound that is starting to heal...And she is likely to rub salt into it. She has all the power and you will be smelling of desperation..Guess who wins ?

Sheesh..talk about self destructive behavior.

 

[djzulu]

Sheesh..talk about self destructive behavior.

There is no need to criticize - all of us come from diverse backgrounds and it's hard to judge someone's situation when you don't have all of the information. We are here to support each other.

With that said, I am working on putting together some sort of 'Get Off Oneitis' plan where we will get out of this together. I was in this situation before, a little different but similar, and I got out of it within a few months. My next post will include the steps that we need to take. Anybody out there who is during / after a breakup or infected with oneitis is welcome to join.

 

[jophil28]

I am following your post thoroughly... I'm in the same problem debating whether to contact my ex or not. In my case, she leaves a block from me but never seen her in like a week now because she has a male "friend" staying over. Her male friend's wife kicked him out of her house and he is sleeping out at her place. Plus her new "boyfriend" is in town...

I just feel like calling her. In fact, today I went to her office early in the morning to talk to her but she was not there...

Oh, and stop doing those stupid 'drive bys'. Doing that shyte is just going to keep you emotionally connected to the trainwreck.

 

[jophil28]

With that said, I am working on putting together some sort of 'Get Off Oneitis' plan where we will get out of this together.
.

Perhaps you need to get out of your own 'oneitis' first and then give the board a report on how YOU achieved your objective..

 

[djzulu]

Perhaps you need to get out of your own 'oneitis' first and then give the board a report on how YOU achieved your objective..

We are working here together - if you're not going to be supportive, please refrain from posting.

 

[amoka]

alright here we go: she picked me up yesterday and dropped me off at my place then she went home. I called her back 20mins later and she picked up. I told her she come to my place but she said she was about to go to sleep because she has a presentation to give the following morning but it is alright if I want to come over to her place. Well, I went to her place because I also planed on going to a bar by her place that evening.... alright, we talked for like 2 hours about "nothing". She got pissed off that I took her out to get a ring but later decided to not engage to her. Anyway, since she has to wake up early, I left her place to go to the bar and at about 3:30 I was drunk enough to call her. When she picked up, I told her I am coming over her place because I was a bit drunk. Well, she said ok. I went to her place and stayed for 10 mins, talking about nothing. Then I decided to go back home because I wanted to sleep on my own bed.

This morning, she called but I was asleep, she text message but I was asleep. Then she came over to my place in a sexy attire, smelling with an exquisite perfume. She "just wanted to make sure I got home safely" then she left like 2 mins later. She looked sexy in that dress. Anyway, we will be going out later today with her friends. I will update how things go. Her friends like my company...

 

[jophil28]

We are working here together - if you're not going to be supportive, please refrain from posting.

NO, you are not working together, you are sobbing together. You and the other two are totally lost without a map or a compass.
Maybe when you are ready to listen you will start to open your ears and your mind to what you NEED to hear.
Right now you just want consolation and sympathy, NOT good advice.

 

[djzulu]

I just realized something more important, at least in my case. I am not going through oneitis but a post-breakup syndrome. Never really had one of those since I never cared about a girl so much.

This one is a little harder since I am going through a major change in my life right now and I was the one who made this not work - but I think that it happened for a reason.

I guess it will take time, dealing with the pain is part of the healing process. I don't think there is a 'magic formula' you just have to reconsider your life, learn from mistakes and move forward.

 

[amoka]

I do not have oneitis. There are other women I go out with but with her, we spent over two years together and I ended the relationship several times during which she tired getting back with me. Deep down, I know she wants me back but do I really want her back?

 

[djzulu]

I do not have oneitis. There are other women I go out with but with her, we spent over two years together and I ended the relationship several times during which she tired getting back with me. Deep down, I know she wants me back but do I really want her back?

That depends on so many things. Overall, there is a reason you ended the relationship several times and you are hesitating to take her back. You just have to be true to yourself to realize if you are keeping her away for the right reasons.

In my case, I now know that I was pushing her away from me for the wrong reasons. However, it probably wouldn't have worked in the first place because I was hesitating.

I usually say, where there are doubts - there is no doubt; if you are hesitating to get back with her then you are probably not ready or she's not the right one for you. Try to figure out why you are hesitating - had I done that when I got back to her (we broke up a couple of times too), things would have been easier.

 

[djzulu]

NO, you are not working together, you are sobbing together. You and the other two are totally lost without a map or a compass.
Maybe when you are ready to listen you will start to open your ears and your mind to what you NEED to hear.
Right now you just want consolation and sympathy, NOT good advice.

In life one is confronted with situations - sometimes you walk about thinking you know it all, but then you are humbled and you realize that you don't. In my line of business the greatest experts are humbled all the time, I therefore would not rush to criticize / pass judgment on other people.

Getting over a breakup is a process, and part of the process is realizing that you need to get over it and move forward. If you don't realize that there are painful feelings involved, and you keep those feelings trapped inside, you are just taking a longer road to recovery.