How do I let go, or should I even?

[SW15]

If anything, @SW15 posts my body count more than me, usually to tell somebody "hey if this dude living at his parent's house in Delaware of all places can make it work, surely you can too".

Appreciate the mention.

Your lifetime work in seduction is impressive.

Delaware is a bit of a pussie wasteland for those who are older than their early 20s. Getting laid while in school in Delaware seems easier than getting laid after school is done.

You manage to find ways to get laid despite some significant obstacles.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Appreciate the mention.

Your lifetime work in seduction is impressive.

Delaware is a bit of a pussie wasteland for those who are older than their early 20s. Getting laid while in school in Delaware seems easier than getting laid after school is done.

You manage to find ways to get laid despite some significant obstacles.

I’m not sure this speaks so much to OP as it does to the state of affairs in Delaware. What happened the time he came to New York?

I appreciate OP putting his pain and truth out here - let’s value his work in honesty, self reflection, commitment to improving- maybe let’s not hold him out as a seduction guru quite yet.

 

[BPH]

Currently, I have not made a decision; I have neither booked my flight nor informed Dave that I'm unable to make it.

The overwhelming majority of the responses here have been "don't go" to various degrees and for various reasons. The people who suggested I still go are my immediate family (mother, father, brother) and @Rainrain . I've mentioned that they're the only ones who think I should go, and they respond that it should be a sign that the people who know me the best, in person, all are in agreement on how they think I should proceed.

So what I'll do here is simply play a little Pro/Con with myself about going vs. not going and see if it gives me clarity if I write things out rather than overthink.

Why Go

• I've never been to a bachelor party and it would be a new experience
• I enjoy weddings and would likely have a good time at this as well
• I've never been to Nashville and have heard it's a lot of fun
• I could always choose not to go to the wedding if I don't enjoy this experience
• Even if I decide to go for my selfish reason and experience, why should that matter?
• There would be other guys in our mutual friend group that are fun to hang out with and would be nice to see
• I've already spent $250 towards this for our group reserving the AirBNB and stocking it with groceries
• Dave has apologized for this incident multiple times, more sincerely during and after the pandemic when he began to take religion more seriously
• I have expressed these feelings to his face before, and he understands where I'm coming from and does not try to get me to see it from his perspective
• I did not have these thoughts or apprehensions about going until I saw Sara on Facebook and thought back to this incident
• This invitation could be an olive branch, as @Rainrain had mentioned, where Dave is looking to reconcile what he's done and wants to include me because we had been good friends despite this incident
• A majority of my resentment lies with the fact that Sara has received the opposite of a comeuppance, and not with Dave
• My family argues that people change, this girl shouldn't be that important to me, and that I should take on new fun experiences

Why Not Go

• This was probably the worst thing ever done to me, and it was done by my best friend at the time
• Similar to what @Bokanovsky said about submission, I would be putting myself in a situation where I cannot up and leave if things are going badly for me
• Dave did apologize, but initially, it was only to appease me and not because he believed he was in the wrong, reasoning that this girl was his ex too
• I probably would not have forgiven him if I hadn't been forced by my superiors to be amicable co-workers while on duty
• I probably would not have continued hanging out with him if I had other single friends that would go out
• The fact that seeing Sara interrupted my day to such an extent means that despite blocking her in several places I am not rid of her, and maybe to rid myself of her I need to rid myself of BOTH parties that caused that pain
• Now that these thoughts and feelings have resurfaced, I may not be able to fully enjoy this celebration, especially if I end up very drunk and these thoughts come to mind
• The majority of this forum believes that going for my own selfishness would reflect poorly on me and my character and that reconciling with Dave, despite how long ago this incident was, would be a weakness on my part
• I'd end up forfeiting a considerable amount of time, and likely money by spending this weekend away
• I'd end up forfeiting considerably MORE time and money if I ended up also attending the wedding

I'll likely edit and add to this post in the morning when I've given it more thought, but as it stands I haven't heard or read something that's made up my mind about this. Unfortunately, I don't have too many friends that I'd aspire to be more like, and therefore I don't want to ask their advice on this, because I know how most of them will answer.

 

[BPH]

I've talked to some more of my family and friends about this.

What's odd is that everybody who knows me personally has said that the pros outweigh the cons and that they would go and have a good time, reasoning that the event happened a long time ago, I don't care about the girl, and Dave has apologized.

Meanwhile, almost everybody here has suggested I cut him off entirely, not go, and wouldn't have engaged with him at all if this had happened to them, reasoning that I was forced into submission and that event has clearly left a scar that I have not gotten over.

I still haven't decided, but now I'm leaning more towards not going. Part of me thinks that if I go, I'd be forced to overcome this and be comfortable with the past, able to move forward - whether that means attending his wedding or just using the bachelor party for a fun experience where I'm around some friends.

The other part of me thinks that I need to remove any chance of running into her or him to avoid being reminded and brought back to that event. That, along with the fact that I wouldn't have forgiven him if it didn't impact my job, seeing as we were co-workers. All this even though he's apologized, and more recently meant it, because I still happened upon Sara living a happy life with no remorse for doing such a s****y thing.

 

[TheGambino]

I would not go, never accept disrespect in your life. Don’t play yourself.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I would not go to that guy's bachelor party or wedding. I would have ceased contact with him a long time ago.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Ghost them both for good, never think about them, and move on.

 

[The Diver]

What's odd is that everybody who knows me personally has said that the pros outweigh the cons and that they would go

Just remember that the majority of your friends are most likely blue-pill men who are probably submissive individuals themselves.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Way way way overthinking this. Bachelor parties are just parties. I would be more concerned if I were Dave given the amount of mental energy you have spent on him.

I’ll take the other side here. Go, have a great time, and if you have a date then bring one of those fillies you have in your deep stable of Delaware chach and bang her at the wedding off the hotel balcony in Dave’s view and throw him a high five in the morning on the way out of the breakfast.

 

[TheGambino]

Don’t go don’t play yourself

 

[BPH]

Way way way overthinking this. Bachelor parties are just parties. I would be more concerned if I were Dave given the amount of mental energy you have spent on him.

I’ll take the other side here. Go, have a great time, and if you have a date then bring one of those fillies you have in your deep stable of Delaware chach and bang her at the wedding off the hotel balcony in Dave’s view and throw him a high five in the morning on the way out of the breakfast.

...

 

[Canadian_Man]

Just remember that the majority of your friends are most likely blue-pill men who are probably submissive individuals themselves.

While I agree that he shouldn't go based on what's been said, there might be more to why personal friends and family believe he should go.

Hypothetical example, maybe Dave is someone OP spends a lot of time with, and the loss of this "friend" could leave a (short-term) void for OP, and OP's family/friends are factoring this context into it.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I've talked to some more of my family and friends about this.

What's odd is that everybody who knows me personally has said that the pros outweigh the cons and that they would go and have a good time, reasoning that the event happened a long time ago, I don't care about the girl, and Dave has apologized.

Meanwhile, almost everybody here has suggested I cut him off entirely, not go, and wouldn't have engaged with him at all if this had happened to them, reasoning that I was forced into submission and that event has clearly left a scar that I have not gotten over.

I still haven't decided, but now I'm leaning more towards not going. Part of me thinks that if I go, I'd be forced to overcome this and be comfortable with the past, able to move forward - whether that means attending his wedding or just using the bachelor party for a fun experience where I'm around some friends.

The other part of me thinks that I need to remove any chance of running into her or him to avoid being reminded and brought back to that event. That, along with the fact that I wouldn't have forgiven him if it didn't impact my job, seeing as we were co-workers. All this even though he's apologized, and more recently meant it, because I still happened upon Sara living a happy life with no remorse for doing such a s****y thing.

Dave isn't responsible for your crazy attachment issue to this women, ESPECIALLY after he was also involved with her before you were, you are.

Stop blaming him for your inability to stop living in fantasy land with this woman.

 

[BPH]

While I agree that he shouldn't go based on what's been said, there might be more to why personal friends and family believe he should go.

Hypothetical example, maybe Dave is someone OP spends a lot of time with, and the loss of this "friend" could leave a (short-term) void for OP, and OP's family/friends are factoring this context into it.

I think they're just wanting me to enjoy myself and have an experience. Dave lives in CA now so I'll never see him normally.

Dave isn't responsible for your crazy attachment issue to this women, ESPECIALLY after he was also involved with her before you were, you are.

Stop blaming him for your inability to stop living in fantasy land with this woman.

This isn't about attachment to this woman, this is about not being able to get over being wronged by both of them - and the fact that she serves as a reminder of it.

I do not care about the b****, I hate her.

 

[BPH]

Alright, I've come to the decision that I'll not go to either the bachelor party or the wedding.

I'm just here one last time to ask how you guys suggest I do that;

Let him know why?

Ghost?

Ghost and block both?

Wondering if this deserves any consideration since my family thinks I should say why I changed my mind, but friends wouldn't even give him that.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

I do not care about the b****, I hate her.

I'm not coming down on you, bro, but hating is caring. Hate is the negative polarity of Love.

If you truly didn't care, you'd be indifferent. And indifferent people don't open threads about this.

 

[Vanderdonck]

Alright, I've come to the decision that I'll not go to either the bachelor party or the wedding.

I'm just here one last time to ask how you guys suggest I do that;

Let him know why?

Ghost?

Ghost and block both?

Wondering if this deserves any consideration since my family thinks I should say why I changed my mind, but friends wouldn't even give him that.

I can only speak for myself and how I would handle. I'd just politely decline and ghost/block. If it's causing that much aggravation it doesn't deserve to be in my orbit. I would ghost and block all these people, in fact. But I wouldn't waste energy justifying my decision.

As for all the anger and resentment...well IME the only thing I can control is my action and reaction to things. Can't control others. So let them do and be whatever they want, that's their business. A bytch doesn't appreciate me or wants to break up? Fine. A "friend" wants to fukk my ex even though I told him it would bother me? Go ahead brah. I'll adjust accordingly, not everyone gets the privilege of being in my orbit and they had their chance. IME a lot of anger is me simply not moving past the initial reaction ("I don't like this") and hanging on to it, then being mad at myself for not detaching. Nothing wrong with being pissed off but one must accept, dismiss, and get on with life.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Alright, I've come to the decision that I'll not go to either the bachelor party or the wedding.

I'm just here one last time to ask how you guys suggest I do that;

Let him know why?

Ghost?

Ghost and block both?

Wondering if this deserves any consideration since my family thinks I should say why I changed my mind, but friends wouldn't even give him that.

When in doubt, think 'man'.

What would a 'man' do?

He invited you. Politely decline. As a man.

That is it.

In the long run, there is no room in your heart for anger, grief, resentment. Just avoid this path. It is a path for misfortune.

Also, no need for explaining. You should avoid excessive speech. The more you say, the more room for error you create.

 

[BPH]

Done.

 

[parabellum]

Do not associate with people who lack integrity.

Better yet, expect everyone to lack integrity, just different amounts.

 

[Dr_jitsu]

This relationship was over the second she said she was moving to Florida. You should not have devoted any thought to her after that moment.