How do I let go, or should I even?

[Plinco]

Everyone is saying to forgive and forget, but how exactly does one forgive and forget?

Move on and stop focusing on it. OP needs to feel like he deserves a better situation in his life and focus and pursue accordingly. There's tons of other potential friends and women out there that's better for him. Getting revenge in this situation is not going to accomplish anything.

 

[The Diver]

Offered me friendship? What are you talking about?

Why do I hold resentment? I was emotionally invested in her and the way things ended was dishonest, so I wasn't happy about it but it's college and life went on, no big deal...

But then my best friend f***s her in the bed next to me in a shared hotel room, after much protesting by me, and you're asking me what she did wrong and wondering why it bothers me?

How do you think you'd feel if your best friend f***ed an ex you used to care about, who did you wrong, a few short feet away from the bed you're in, after being threatened into submission?

How the hell do you think this is about ego? I don't want to see her, but when I do, like I did on Facebook, I'd not like to see that her life is on the up-and-up. I'd like for her life to suck a little bit, to see that karma has made its way around to her, that there was some sort of justice in the world.

This thread was about whether this resentment should hold me back from moving forward with plans that I made with Dave, seeing as I still harbor resentment about the situation, but directed at her, not him. I think you kinda missed the point here.

Let me see if I understand.

Many years ago you dated a girl. At some point, she breaks up with you. You convinced her to get back to you. She did for a short time, then broke up with you, this time for good. You did some stupid s*"t, and eventually, she ghosted you all together. ( Can't see dishonesty here on her part.).

A few years later, you crossed paths and she bangs your best friend one meter away from you.
Ok, so at this point we can establish she's a trash.

Your friend apologized sincerely, you kind of forgave him, and you both moved on.

This friend invited you to his bachelor party, which you excepted.

Then, after all this years, from nowhere, this girl popped up and brought up some bad memories.
you didn't block her up because you wanted to see how she's doing in life.
And because she is doing well, after all these years, you resented her even more than before. And because of this trash girl you resent ( not your male friend), you considering again if to go to his party , even though you have no resentment toward him .

So, after all these years, with all the experience and the knowledge you gained , you let a trash girl from the far past affect your life decisions, today.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

That's the language we know how to use here on this forum, or between men for that matter.

"Look at what a weak man you are for allowing the world to affect you!"
"Other people are trash for doing trashy things!"

Thankfully, there is some nuance to the 2nd.
When it comes to oneself, there is little guidance on how to go about letting go, even when it is explicitly asked for.
What's the purpose of putting another down, if you cannot touch base and give what is asked for?

Im busy over here. I won't sit down for too much longer and do my thing.
B, you hate my journal, but the last four pages or so are almost exclusively about letting go.

Letting go begins with letting be.
You can decide that blocking someone's existence from your life is what you need in that moment, but that doesn't get rid of the blocked energies inside of you. Which is what you're experiencing now.

The way that I know, is to sit with it. To sit with yourself. That, when you feel your trigger, you stop looking for solutions and start looking at it and getting as close to being it as you can.
To allow your pain and emotion and to let it exist.
To accept it and develop comfort with it.
To investigate it and come to further understand it.
Then to nourish it; to be friendly with your inner world, rather than a tyrant.

It's quite opposite to what we are taught.
But we can relax our shoulders and our chest, and we can breathe deep and let go of the shards we store in our hearts.

It can help to write letters to each of them, so that you can get the words out of your mind and have more clarity and ease when you meet them.
The revenge is your own honest equanimity.
And that's your work.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken? That trauma is deep inside of you, did you get therapy? Its not too late though, remember, people post on social media what they wanna show, you don't know the history

Frankly, I'm amazed at the power some women seem to hold over guys who think they're 'Don Juans'.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Thread shows my take I’ve often posted on this forum: hardly any “relationships” mean a damn thing. It amazes me that men have such emotional investment with women that will be gone from their lives or were never even really in them.

 

[BPH]

Many years ago you dated a girl. At some point, she breaks up with you. You convinced her to get back to you. She did for a short time, then broke up with you, this time for good. You did some stupid s*"t, and eventually, she ghosted you all together. ( Can't see dishonesty here on her part.).

She started seeing someone else while we were together. She then created the family vacation as a fake reason for wanting to break up, when really it was because she was getting feelings for this guy. Talking to the sister revealed she never mentioned me, but she did mention him - and remember, SHE was the one who wanted to be exclusive. So that's what I mean by dishonesty.

Your friend apologized sincerely, you kind of forgave him, and you both moved on.

Initially no, he apologized "if I really feel that way about it" at first. The sincerity came later, around the pandemic when he rediscovered religion and we hung out after the lockdowns. Semantics, but wanted to be specific.

And because she is doing well, after all these years, you resented her even more than before. And because of this trash girl you resent ( not your male friend), you considering again if to go to his party , even though you have no resentment toward him .

So, after all these years, with all the experience and the knowledge you gained , you let a trash girl from the far past affect your life decisions, today.

I resent her to the same degree, but I was not happy to her doing well. And because I still have that resentment towards her, I wanted to get that experience off my chest and see what this community thinks - mostly about whether that should affect these upcoming events with Dave and whether people on the forum would still even associate with him.

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken?

Look, I know you think a certain way about me. Purely because I sleep around and am not financially successful. I don't know what it is, maybe you feel because you're in a better position than me that you should be having the same level of success? I don't know, but your comments read similarly every time. You sound like overall excellence is needed in every area of life to be excellent in any one area or something.

I sleep with a multitude of women because I enjoy variety. I was doing that both before and after this girl.

Frankly, I'm amazed at the power some women seem to hold over guys who think they're 'Don Juans'.

Yes, because we as men are not allowed to have f***ed up. I was 19. I was emotionally overinvested in this woman at the time.

Your logic would be like telling Arnold Schwarzenegger he can't call himself a bodybuilder because at one point he was weak...

Thread shows my take I’ve often posted on this forum: hardly any “relationships” mean a damn thing. It amazes me that men have such emotional investment with women that will be gone from their lives or were never even really in them.

I was 19. I was not proud of how I handled the situation when I was with her and it was one of the first times I liked a girl enough to be exclusive with her.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

Yes, because we as men are not allowed to have f***ed up. I was 19. I was emotionally overinvested in this woman at the time.

I'm talking about now, dude. Are you still emotionally over invested in this woman?

 

[BPH]

I'm talking about now, dude. Are you still emotionally over invested in this woman?

No.

 

[AmsterdamAssassin]

No.

See? Progress.

 

[TheGambino]

Bro I would not go to the wedding. I would def skip that girl in front of my buddy if I were Dave.
Block her everywhere and you will feel better when time passes.

Been there done that believe me, similar sh*t ten years ago.

only fvck with people that give you a good vibe and feeling not fvcking Dave, fck that guy

 

[BPH]

You're confused and taking the anger on people you don't know, I just ask a question. We all go with what you post.

This is why you wasted your life chasing tail instead of developing into a great man cause you got your heart broken?

This is your definition of "just asking a question".

Doubt. A guy who has slept with over 90+ women, has a great physique, attracts beautiful women, according to you, and is still attached to a wh0re who was dating another guy same time as you, one thing that happened 7 years ago, is either a liar or you have serious issues that you need to take care before it ruins you life forever.

There it is...

1. Living with his parents at 30

Correct.

2. No job

No, it just doesn't pay very well which is why I'm working to figure out how I'm going to escape it.

3. Giving advice and posting everytime how many women you've slept with

When's the last time I've done that? If anything, @SW15 posts my body count more than me, usually to tell somebody "hey if this dude living at his parent's house in Delaware of all places can make it work, surely you can too".

4. Saying how ripped you are and great a physique you have

I literally never do that...I think I described my appearance once, and it was to provide background for the fact that I modeled and to let people know that I'm not some fat, short, ugly guy that somehow overcame all odds to find success with women.

Do you really think you're the only one who got his heart broken at that age? Grow the fvck up man, you're 30, you're not a special snowflake, we all have been broken, we all have suffered for b!tch who did us wrong. You're just bored in your parents house and you wrote this post for attention.

Uhh no, I don't think I'm the only one, but there aren't people I can talk about it with, which is why I came here; to get an outside perspective of how I was feeling and how I should proceed.

I think it's ironic you talk about therapy. You talk about me bragging about my physique, but at the very least your last 2 profile pictures have been you flexing for a selfie. You offer very abrasive advice and yet your profile and postings are private. I think that you very much wish that my success with women is a lie, because you yourself achieved excellence in all these areas EXCEPT that one - or at least not as much as I have, and don't think I deserve it. So your goal is to discredit me or take shots at me, like you did with that "question".

If anybody needs to grow up, it's you, especially seeing as you're even older than I am.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I would not go to that guy's bachelor party or wedding. I would have ceased contact with him a long time ago.

Agreed. It's one thing for him to date your ex; it's something else entirely to bring her to a shared room and fvck her right next to you. It takes a real degenerate to do the latter.

 

[Bokanovsky]

This may come across as selfish, but this did genuinely interrupt my day and I'm wondering if I should let this go, and if I should, how. Clearly if it's affected me enough to write out this post I must still be carrying that resentment.

I don't know what would satisfy me; an apology, acknowledgement that she was a s****y person, her life to suck, I don't know..some sense of justice. But I still carry this.

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

 

[The Duke]

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

It's why I said he still has AFC tendencies he needs to work on.

 

[Canadian_Man]

F*ck Dave.

You should have cut contact with him long ago.

Eat the loss of your AirBnB payment.

Take it as a blessing that Sara popped up on your FB feed again recently, it helped uncover this opportunity for change. Albeit at the cost of some present-day pain.

And don't make it a scene if you distance yourself from Dave.

No need to sour his wedding.

 

[TheGambino]

I think I understand why you feel this way. The common thread that runs through your posts is "submission". More specifically, submission to Dave. First, you submitted to his outrageous demand to let Sara spend the night at your hotel room (you felt like you had no other choice). Later, you submitted by continuing to refer clients to him (you felt like you had to do it because you were coworkers). After leaving that job, you submitted by continuing to hang out with him for reasons that are not entirely clear (I'm assuming you wanted to be part of his social circle). And now you are about to perform the coup de grace act of submission by attending the wedding of a guy who has publicly humiliated you and caused deep psychological wounds. You really need to grow a pair and cut Dave out of your life.

This

 

[SW15]

If anything, @SW15 posts my body count more than me, usually to tell somebody "hey if this dude living at his parent's house in Delaware of all places can make it work, surely you can too".

Appreciate the mention.

Your lifetime work in seduction is impressive.

Delaware is a bit of a pussie wasteland for those who are older than their early 20s. Getting laid while in school in Delaware seems easier than getting laid after school is done.

You manage to find ways to get laid despite some significant obstacles.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Appreciate the mention.

Your lifetime work in seduction is impressive.

Delaware is a bit of a pussie wasteland for those who are older than their early 20s. Getting laid while in school in Delaware seems easier than getting laid after school is done.

You manage to find ways to get laid despite some significant obstacles.

I’m not sure this speaks so much to OP as it does to the state of affairs in Delaware. What happened the time he came to New York?

I appreciate OP putting his pain and truth out here - let’s value his work in honesty, self reflection, commitment to improving- maybe let’s not hold him out as a seduction guru quite yet.

 

[BPH]

Currently, I have not made a decision; I have neither booked my flight nor informed Dave that I'm unable to make it.

The overwhelming majority of the responses here have been "don't go" to various degrees and for various reasons. The people who suggested I still go are my immediate family (mother, father, brother) and @Rainrain . I've mentioned that they're the only ones who think I should go, and they respond that it should be a sign that the people who know me the best, in person, all are in agreement on how they think I should proceed.

So what I'll do here is simply play a little Pro/Con with myself about going vs. not going and see if it gives me clarity if I write things out rather than overthink.

Why Go

• I've never been to a bachelor party and it would be a new experience
• I enjoy weddings and would likely have a good time at this as well
• I've never been to Nashville and have heard it's a lot of fun
• I could always choose not to go to the wedding if I don't enjoy this experience
• Even if I decide to go for my selfish reason and experience, why should that matter?
• There would be other guys in our mutual friend group that are fun to hang out with and would be nice to see
• I've already spent $250 towards this for our group reserving the AirBNB and stocking it with groceries
• Dave has apologized for this incident multiple times, more sincerely during and after the pandemic when he began to take religion more seriously
• I have expressed these feelings to his face before, and he understands where I'm coming from and does not try to get me to see it from his perspective
• I did not have these thoughts or apprehensions about going until I saw Sara on Facebook and thought back to this incident
• This invitation could be an olive branch, as @Rainrain had mentioned, where Dave is looking to reconcile what he's done and wants to include me because we had been good friends despite this incident
• A majority of my resentment lies with the fact that Sara has received the opposite of a comeuppance, and not with Dave
• My family argues that people change, this girl shouldn't be that important to me, and that I should take on new fun experiences

Why Not Go

• This was probably the worst thing ever done to me, and it was done by my best friend at the time
• Similar to what @Bokanovsky said about submission, I would be putting myself in a situation where I cannot up and leave if things are going badly for me
• Dave did apologize, but initially, it was only to appease me and not because he believed he was in the wrong, reasoning that this girl was his ex too
• I probably would not have forgiven him if I hadn't been forced by my superiors to be amicable co-workers while on duty
• I probably would not have continued hanging out with him if I had other single friends that would go out
• The fact that seeing Sara interrupted my day to such an extent means that despite blocking her in several places I am not rid of her, and maybe to rid myself of her I need to rid myself of BOTH parties that caused that pain
• Now that these thoughts and feelings have resurfaced, I may not be able to fully enjoy this celebration, especially if I end up very drunk and these thoughts come to mind
• The majority of this forum believes that going for my own selfishness would reflect poorly on me and my character and that reconciling with Dave, despite how long ago this incident was, would be a weakness on my part
• I'd end up forfeiting a considerable amount of time, and likely money by spending this weekend away
• I'd end up forfeiting considerably MORE time and money if I ended up also attending the wedding

I'll likely edit and add to this post in the morning when I've given it more thought, but as it stands I haven't heard or read something that's made up my mind about this. Unfortunately, I don't have too many friends that I'd aspire to be more like, and therefore I don't want to ask their advice on this, because I know how most of them will answer.

 

[BPH]

I've talked to some more of my family and friends about this.

What's odd is that everybody who knows me personally has said that the pros outweigh the cons and that they would go and have a good time, reasoning that the event happened a long time ago, I don't care about the girl, and Dave has apologized.

Meanwhile, almost everybody here has suggested I cut him off entirely, not go, and wouldn't have engaged with him at all if this had happened to them, reasoning that I was forced into submission and that event has clearly left a scar that I have not gotten over.

I still haven't decided, but now I'm leaning more towards not going. Part of me thinks that if I go, I'd be forced to overcome this and be comfortable with the past, able to move forward - whether that means attending his wedding or just using the bachelor party for a fun experience where I'm around some friends.

The other part of me thinks that I need to remove any chance of running into her or him to avoid being reminded and brought back to that event. That, along with the fact that I wouldn't have forgiven him if it didn't impact my job, seeing as we were co-workers. All this even though he's apologized, and more recently meant it, because I still happened upon Sara living a happy life with no remorse for doing such a s****y thing.